Daily joke thread......

[2goofycampers]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

[DaveInTN]

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

 

[mnsprk]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.

Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)





God replied:


I didn't recognize you!"

 

[Lil' Lisa]

Good one!

 

[M&N]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Clarksburg West Virginia. After "last call" the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so APPARENTLY intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on 5 different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car and switched the wipers on and off-- it was a fine dry summer night--flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[mnsprk]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick
the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

awesome !!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!??

 

[jriae2000]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!??

 

[Lil' Lisa]

 

[kampfirekim]

Good One Born to Fish! I never knew that about penguins. Looks like March of the Penguins would have covered that! You guys are killing me! My jokes are corny, but here goes....

A piece of string go into a bar. The bartender quickly asks himto leave saying "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Sad and embarassed, the string leaves the bar, then he gets a great idea! He pulls his ends apart, ties himself into a knot and goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey! I told you we don't serve pieces of string in here. Aren't you a piece of string?" To which the string replied, "No I'm a frayed knot!"

A dog goes into a bar with crutches and a bandaged foot. The bartender asks, "What can I do for you pardner?" The dog replied, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"

Sorry, I know it wasn't much, but it's all I've got! (I know your all thinking "Thank goodness for that!)

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Good One Born to Fish! I never knew that about penguins. Looks like March of the Penguins would have covered that! You guys are killing me! My joke is corny, but here goes....

A piece of string go into a bar. The bartender quickly asks himto leave saying "We don't serve pieces of string in here. Sad and embarassed, the string leaves the bar, then he gets a great idea! He pulls his ends apart, ties himself into a knot and goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey! I told you we don't serve pieces of string in here. Aren't you a piece of string?" To which the string replied, "No I'm a frayed knot!"

good one

 

[Born 2 Fish]

An older man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the room, he says " I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing turns to his wife and asks, "WHAT DID HE SAY."

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR

 

[WhitShores]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs... Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style? It makes makes your nose look too short."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? suppository?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 live in a house together. One night the 76 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".

The 74 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

[kampfirekim]

GOOD ONE!

Did you know that there were cars in bible times?

They were all in one "Accord"!