Daily joke thread......

[ntsammy5]

Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ?


On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's
sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there
are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's
views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for
a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation
you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the
money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide
promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House
Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker
Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite
person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally
witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She
also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in
Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to
Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

 

[fldisneyfamily]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the best computer programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... JESUS SAVES."

 

[fldisneyfamily]

Getting a new deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

[des1954]

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding.
As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball."
He replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said..
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, "What's your name?" "Patty" she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross."

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...

"Dang, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!"

 

[BRDof3]

http://coralvillecourier.typepad.com/community/2009/02/sorry-bill-id-rather-kiss-my-new-boss.html

She just didn't feel like going down to her knees to kiss Bill.

 

[fldisneyfamily]

How to tell a Redneck Hunter with a DUI Conviction!!!!!!

 

[fldisneyfamily]

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

 

[2goofycampers]

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

 

[LuckyinGa]

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!!

 

[fldisneyfamily]

10 Things that Would Happen If Microsoft Made Cars

And the funny part is, we would all think that these things were perfectly normal ...

1. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
2. We would all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
3. The US Government would get subsidies from an auto maker first.
4. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a “GENERAL CAR FAULT” warning light.
5. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
6. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
7. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought CarXP or Car2000, but then you would need to buy more seats.
8. Occasionally your car would die for no reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would accept this as normal.
9. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
10. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years. [Can you say MacinCar?]

 

[AuburnJen92]

"Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it..."

 

[fldisneyfamily]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started…

 

[AuburnJen92]

A new supermarket opened in New Haven , Michigan . It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear
the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats. In the liquor department, the fresh, clean,crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying..
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.





I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

[big kahuna1]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
~til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any Relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He Drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his Lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old Mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
Minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so Consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he Nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and Disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how Nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in Agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

 

[ntsammy5]

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

How about for rent?

 

[tellnotails]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have
plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as
you can.


Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks.

Then try 50-LB potato sacks and then eventually try to get to a position where you can
lift a 100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I 'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 

[AuburnJen92]

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered?'


And that, my friends, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

 

[clkelley]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is ----- DEAD!

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he says, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays all over him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,

He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves; hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..


(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,





"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."