Daily joke thread......

[fldisneyfamily]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

 

[fldisneyfamily]

Alert!

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

 

[AuburnJen92]

This is too funny!

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[michelle9343]

Two ninety year olds go to a lawyer to get a divorce
the attoney asked ' why after 70 years of marrige would you want a divorce?







They reply "we were waiting for the kids to die."

 

[AuburnJen92]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


< B>Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.



So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

 

[AuburnJen92]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said.. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?

 

[LuckyinGa]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks!!

You didn't even see it coming did you? Gotcha!

 

[hopeisb4u]

Why does everyone love a mushroom??


Because he is a FUN-GI!!! hee-hee!

I know..>I know...but it makes me laugh!

 

[AuburnJen92]

> > The Husband Store
> >
> > A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
> >
> > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
> >
> > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> >
> > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
> >
> > She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> >
> > 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
> >
> > So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
> >
> > 'Wow', she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> >
> > She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
> >
> > 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> >
> > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
> >
> > She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
> >
> > PLEASE NOTE:
> > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
> >
> > The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> > The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
> >
> > The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[des1954]

A husband and wife had just finished watching a show on A&E about psychology. The wife says: "Wow! I learned a lot from that show. How about you?" The husband says: "Just to see how much you learned, make a statement that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife pauses to think about this. Finally she says
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Your private part is definitely larger than all your friends'!"

 

[tellnotails]

Wal-Mart has everything!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener . (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[Goofyseven]

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . .

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when

the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that

are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general

speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing

of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the

slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain

cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,

making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 

[ynottony99]

I don't know how I could have missed this thread all this time!??!?! I just saw it today for the first time.

 

[bord1niowa]

People said O'Bama would be President "when pigs fly"...we now have Swine Flu.

 

[ntsammy5]

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the

slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain

cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,

making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Cliff Claven is a very intellegent guy.

 

[ntsammy5]

That's just wrong -maybe accurate - but wrong!

 

[Goofyseven]

May have seen this b4 but,

> A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
> pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
> toward him out of a cloud of dust.
>
> The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
> sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
> "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
> herd, Will you give me a calf?"
>
> Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
> peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
>
> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
> connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
> page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
> exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
> satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
> The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
> exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
>
> Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
> image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
> MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
> email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>
> Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-
> tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and
> says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
> Bud.
>
> He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
> with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>
> Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
> what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>
> The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
> why not?"
>
> "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
>
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>
> "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
> even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
> already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
> dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than
> me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people
> make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of
> sheep. ...
>
> Now give me back my dog.

 

[disney92]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its
stop in New York .This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did
not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their
anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as: .
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it................................................................









Sinko De Mayo.

 

[tellnotails]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a Auburn Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "