Daily joke thread......

[BigDaddyRog]

Friends & Family: Will be very appologetic for spilling an entire pitcher of a fancy frozen adult beverage.
Fort Fiends: Will grab a straw, drop down and start cleaning up the mess they've made.

Friends & Family: Will invite you to dinner and serve you on their finest china
Fort Fiends: Will serve you on plastic plates that were washed with the sewer hose, but not before dropping most of your food on the ground first.

Friends & Family: Might look down their nose at you for camping instead of choosing a 5 star resort.
Fort Fiends: Couldnt care less if you crawled out of a ratty, hole ridden tent...but may be very concerned with why your golf cart aint going at least 25mph!!!

Friends & Family: Will tell you how they really wish you could make it to their vacation destination with them and hope that maybe you can make it next time.
Fort Fiends: Will offer you the sand pad behind their set up at no charge just so they can get you drunk for a week!!

Friends & Family: Might offer to pick you up and give you a ride to the party.
Fort Fiends: Will offer to pick you up...but if all of your beer wont fit in the golf cart...the beer gets the first ride...they MIGHT be back to pick you up after they drop off your beer!!

 

[Just Beachy]

This is why I prefer the Fort Fiends over my most of my family!!!

 

[PolynesianPixie]

Man.....that is poetry!

 

[2goofycampers]

Those deserve a thread of their own.

 

[ftwildernessguy]

This is why I prefer the Fort Fiends over my most of my family!!!

Exactly. I talk to you guys more than I talk to my brother, and I'd rather spend my vacation with you guys than him, too.

 

[AuburnJen92]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.


10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[Brer Bear]

Classic!!

My only suggestion...

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Too bad your butt is so damn wide!

 

[AuburnJen92]

Classic!!

My only suggestion...

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Too bad your butt is so damn wide!

that can be #12

 

[Born 2 Fish]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...


* Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

* Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

* In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

* You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

this may have been posted already if so, then enjoy it again


A Teenager Is

-a person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

 

[2goofycampers]

Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming.

The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school."

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Auburn.

The Alabama student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out."

The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Credit Crunch One Liners
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.

How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on Sunday night.

A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza Margherita? A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.
-------------------------------------------------
Radio Finance Discussion
Heard on a BBC radio 5 live 'phone in programme' discussing the world economic recession:

Caller:- 'Thanks to my financial adviser I now have a small fortune.

Presenter: That's very interesting, tell me more.

Pause……………..


Mind you, I started off with a large fortune.'
-------------------------------------------------
Last week Guy talked to his bank manager. The manager, Mr Evans said 'Guy from now on, I am going to concentrate on the big issues*.

Today I saw Mr Evans outside Wal-Mart, and he sold me a copy!


Footnote*
The Big Issue is a UK magazine sold by the homeless.
--------------------------------------------------
The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

 

[AuburnJen92]

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
(I just couldn't help it.)

 

[heatair]

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
(I just couldn't help it.)

That was BAD...








Can I use it? I have friends that may enjoy it....

Thanks.

 

[AuburnJen92]

Of course....all corny jokes are for public use here!
(you should have seen the ones I had on chat last night!!!!!)

 

[AuburnJen92]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy."

 

[Just Beachy]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy."

 

[des1954]

http://coralvillecourier.typepad.com/community/2009/02/sorry-bill-id-rather-kiss-my-new-boss.html

 

[LuckyinGa]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

 

[tellnotails]

The Right Answer

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old
for this' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and
said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a
reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Two years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day sir,' replied the trooper.