chief19spixi
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2007
- Messages
- 778
Daily joke thread......
- Thread starter tellnotails
- Start date
PolynesianPixie
Creating my own fairy tale realit
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2007
- Messages
- 5,005
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a car or even in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh**."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a car or even in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh**."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"
Born 2 Fish
I'D RATHER BE FISHING.
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2008
- Messages
- 12,373
WDW,,where you never have to grow up.
And you can be Grumpy all day long.
Or you can be Goofy to the bone.
BRDof3
Humpty Dumpty had a lousy PPO
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Messages
- 3,721
Ain't it the truth. While I refuse to grow up, I can't avoid the tell-tale signs of growing old. Not with my wife and kids around to remind me several times a week.
BigDaddyRog
<font color=red>Ask me about my cartoon pitch<br><
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2007
- Messages
- 7,149
While I may easily be the most immature moron on this board, I have to say....I fit waaaay too many of those!!!!
/
auntie
<font color=darkorchid>It's a really lovely way to
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2003
- Messages
- 7,311
Haven't looked through the entire thread..so I'm not sure if this one's been added..but I got a chuckle out of it.
________________________________________
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his
50th anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go a back and a get her!"
__________________
________________________________________
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his
50th anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go a back and a get her!"
__________________
ntsammy5
DIS Legend
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2006
- Messages
- 12,094
I wouldn't count on that.
auntie
<font color=darkorchid>It's a really lovely way to
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2003
- Messages
- 7,311
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big ****s, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
_______________________
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big ****s, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
_______________________
Shan-man
¿sɐɯʇsıɹɥɔ lıʇ, sʎɐp ʎuɐɯ ʍoH
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2008
- Messages
- 2,806
While technically not a joke, I get a kick out of these. They play for about a 1/2 second at the end of Chuck Lorre productions (i.e. Big Bang Theory). 
SHRILL BAD, DUSKY GOOD: No man can happily work or vote for a woman whose voice sounds like a mom or wife yelling at him. Whether running a Fortune Five Hundred company or running for office, women should practice speaking like Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. (If you have small children present, rent Who Framed Roger Rabbit and check out Jessica Rabbit.) POWER WORDS: Down through the ages there have been secret words and phrases that a select group of women have known and used to give them control over men. Use them wisely and you'll be on the other side of that glass ceiling before you know it. A short list includes: panties, huge, amazing and "anything you want, just hurry." For increased effectiveness, say these power words like Kathleen Turner. B**BS: If you got' em, flaunt' em. If you don't got' em, buy' em. (CAUTION: This will cause other women to hate you. Do not despair. Once you and your terrific rack are running things, you can fire the jealous b**ches.) POLITICALLY CORRECT FLIRTING: There is no such thing. That being said, if, by subtle words or actions, you can make a man feel sexually viable, he will act like a fool and you can steal his job. If you think that's cruel, you're not ready to break through the glass ceiling and should instead consider marrying a fat guy with hedge fund money and a history of confusing his erection pills with his heart medication.
* The views and opinions of Mr. Misogyny are not endorsed, held, or shared by Chuck Lorre Productions, Chuck Lorre, anyone who works for Chuck Lorre, or any of his friends, neighbors and relatives.
** The same goes for Shan-man, his associates, family and acquaintances! I like Palin... though she can be a bit shrill. LOL
CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #215
*Mr. Misogyny's Tips For Breaking Through
the Glass Ceiling
*Mr. Misogyny's Tips For Breaking Through
the Glass Ceiling
SHRILL BAD, DUSKY GOOD: No man can happily work or vote for a woman whose voice sounds like a mom or wife yelling at him. Whether running a Fortune Five Hundred company or running for office, women should practice speaking like Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. (If you have small children present, rent Who Framed Roger Rabbit and check out Jessica Rabbit.) POWER WORDS: Down through the ages there have been secret words and phrases that a select group of women have known and used to give them control over men. Use them wisely and you'll be on the other side of that glass ceiling before you know it. A short list includes: panties, huge, amazing and "anything you want, just hurry." For increased effectiveness, say these power words like Kathleen Turner. B**BS: If you got' em, flaunt' em. If you don't got' em, buy' em. (CAUTION: This will cause other women to hate you. Do not despair. Once you and your terrific rack are running things, you can fire the jealous b**ches.) POLITICALLY CORRECT FLIRTING: There is no such thing. That being said, if, by subtle words or actions, you can make a man feel sexually viable, he will act like a fool and you can steal his job. If you think that's cruel, you're not ready to break through the glass ceiling and should instead consider marrying a fat guy with hedge fund money and a history of confusing his erection pills with his heart medication.
* The views and opinions of Mr. Misogyny are not endorsed, held, or shared by Chuck Lorre Productions, Chuck Lorre, anyone who works for Chuck Lorre, or any of his friends, neighbors and relatives.
** The same goes for Shan-man, his associates, family and acquaintances! I like Palin... though she can be a bit shrill. LOL
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
PHONES IN CHURCH
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued
with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.' Seeking out the
pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to
visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and
around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and
the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in North Carolina, upon entering a church in
Greenville, NC, behold he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.' Fascinated, he asked to talk to the
pastor. 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in
each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is
a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other
churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'
I love this part............................
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now.
This is God's Country. It's a local call.'
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued
with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.' Seeking out the
pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to
visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and
around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and
the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in North Carolina, upon entering a church in
Greenville, NC, behold he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.' Fascinated, he asked to talk to the
pastor. 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in
each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is
a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other
churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'
I love this part............................
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now.
This is God's Country. It's a local call.'
PolynesianPixie
Creating my own fairy tale realit
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2007
- Messages
- 5,005
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes .
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids ;
keep his assigned house clean ,
correct all homework ,
and complete science projects ,
cook , do laundry ,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives ,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing .
Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment ,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment .
He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.
He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house ,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done .
The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily ,
adorn t hemselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes ,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed .
During one of the six weeks ,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.
They must attend
weekly school meetings ,
church , and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them , dress them ,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes .
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids ;
keep his assigned house clean ,
correct all homework ,
and complete science projects ,
cook , do laundry ,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives ,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing .
Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment ,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment .
He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.
He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house ,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done .
The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily ,
adorn t hemselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes ,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed .
During one of the six weeks ,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.
They must attend
weekly school meetings ,
church , and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them , dress them ,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.
Hey thats my life.
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella
Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable
condition, and Louella has been charged with ...
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella
Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable
condition, and Louella has been charged with ...
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 8,253
I just couldn't resist...
Little Johnny strikes again. Hilarious
A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he had decided to be
different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'
Little Johnny strikes again. Hilarious
A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he had decided to be
different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2008
- Messages
- 21,062
Not a joke, but...
Al, on our way back from WDW we spotted this post my DS loved it.
Thanks to all for making our drive feel a little shorter with this board and John's chat.
-
New BaubleBar x Disney Character Accessories
-
Construction Photos from Disney's Wilderness Lodge & New Lakeshore Lodge
-
Limited-Time Treats for Oga's Cantina Now at Disneyland
-
Disneyland 70th: New Walt Disney Talking Figure Merch
-
Bob Iger Could Learn What NOT To Do From C.V. Wood
-
New Photo Booths Are Rolling Out at Walt Disney World
-
New Limited-Time Treats for Disneyland 70th Have Arrived!
Receive up to $1,000 in Onboard Credit and a Gift Basket!
That’s right — when you book your Disney Cruise with Dreams Unlimited Travel, you’ll receive incredible shipboard credits to spend during your vacation!
CLICK HERE
That’s right — when you book your Disney Cruise with Dreams Unlimited Travel, you’ll receive incredible shipboard credits to spend during your vacation!
CLICK HERE
