Crying It Out

[Jenn Lynn]

I do not like CIO. However, when I transitioned Avery from our bed to her bed at 1 1/2 I had to let her cry a little. I would lay down with her for a little bit, then get up. I pretty much stood by her door, where she couldn't see me. Really it only took about 2 days. The second day was not nearly as bad.

DH, on the other hand, could not stand it. He kept saying he couldn't do it. I asked him WTH did he think I did for her nap? She is fine and she always knew I was right there.

Good Luck!

 

[DWhittles]

Let your husband rock the older one to sleep.

I nursed both of my kids to sleep. I could never have let them cry it out.

Ya know, I was thinking about doing that. I'm just the kind of mommy who cannot listen to my baby cry. It twists me up inside and my stomach hurts!
How long did you rock your babies to sleep for? When did you finally decide that they had to do it on their own and how did you do it?

 

[DWhittles]

Let your husband rock the older one to sleep.

I nursed both of my kids to sleep. I could never have let them cry it out.

Ya know, I was thinking about doing that. I'm just the kind of mommy who cannot listen to my baby cry. It twists me up inside and my stomach hurts!
How long did you rock your babies to sleep for? When did you finally decide that they had to do it on their own and how did you do it?

 

[Blondy876]

We used to joke that our oldest (5) was our "practice baby" and my dh and I would always apoligize for trying things out on her.

Madie was given a bath, read a book and rocked to sleep for about 9 months. She also slept in our room. It got to be a huge chore. Not the bath and the book but having to rock her (sometimes 1/2 hour or longer) to sleep. We finally decided to cut the rocking down to 10 minutes and then put her in her crib. Yes, she cried but I would go in and pat her tummy and tell her it was alright then leave. I would sometimes have to repeat this several time but after about 2 weeks she was putting herself to sleep (even at naps) with no problem.

Fast forward to our youngest dd (born in October):

She slept in our bed for about 5 weeks, then we just decided that we were too tired. Not only did I move her to her own crib and put her to bed while she was awake but I also moved her to her own room. She may cry for a minute or so when I put her down for bed or nap but then she settles in and looks around until she drifts off. Everyone is so much happier. We all get to sleep this way. I would never have done it this early with our first but we learn. It is easier to start the habit of going to sleep on their own when young rather than trying to break a bad habit later on.

BTW if the baby cries for more than 3 or 4 minutes I go in and get her because I know that she's not ready to sleep and needs me. I just didn't want anyone thinking that I was heartless.

 

[DWhittles]

Let your husband rock the older one to sleep.

I nursed both of my kids to sleep. I could never have let them cry it out.

Ya know, I was thinking about doing that. I'm just the kind of mommy who cannot listen to my baby cry. It twists me up inside and my stomach hurts!
How long did you rock your babies to sleep for? When did you finally decide that they had to do it on their own and how did you do it?

 

[transparant]

Transparant,
How far apart are your kids age wise?
My kids will be only 16 months apart so my big boy will still to me be just a baby.
I wish he would just fall asleep on his own one day with no crying...
I'm going to check out those books today and see what they have to say.

My oldest 2 are only 11 months apart. Right now they are 13 & 14, and there is a period of time when they are the same age. EVERYONE thought they were twins! LOL! My 2nd and 3rd are 20 months apart, 3rd and 4th are 2 years apart, 4th & 5th are 2 years apart and 5th & 6th are 22 months apart. I'm a huge fan of Dr. Sears - and attachment parenting (I also teach attachment parenting classes) - so it's basically a parental decision. I always tell people, "If it doesn't feel right to you - don't do it". Crying it out just never felt right to me or my dh. Go to - askdrsears.com and read some of his advice - A lot of parent find him extremely helpful.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

My oldest 2 are only 11 months apart. Right now they are 13 & 14, and there is a period of time when they are the same age. EVERYONE thought they were twins! LOL! My 2nd and 3rd are 20 months apart, 3rd and 4th are 2 years apart, 4th & 5th are 2 years apart and 5th & 6th are 22 months apart. I'm a huge fan of Dr. Sears - and attachment parenting (I also teach attachment parenting classes) - so it's basically a parental decision. I always tell people, "If it doesn't feel right to you - don't do it". Crying it out just never felt right to me or my dh. Go to - askdrsears.com and read some of his advice - A lot of parent find him extremely helpful.

Love Dr. Sears!

 

[HappyMommy2]

Your son is so adorable!!
You could try a gradual process--first rocking him till sleepy then holding his hand through the crib slats till he falls asleep, then later just sitting by his crib till he's asleep, and so on. This type of thing worked when I wanted to get my 2-year-old back to sleeping in his own bed after he'd been sleeping in my bed for many months while DH was deployed. DS also had the bad (for his teeth) habit of wanting a milk bottle in the night for a long time, so I phased that out gradually as well (first went to diluted milk/water, then to just water, then to just a sippy water next to his bed at bedtime). Both kids are great sleepers now, 4 and 2 with no "bad" sleep habits at all. Gradual seems to work best with my kids but every kids is different and I imagine some may require a few tears in the process.

Just a note on the topic of major crying-it-out (as advocated in some books)--I've been learning about orphanages in Eastern Europe. The caregivers there try their very best, but they are usually so terribly understaffed that the children suffer much neglect. If you walk into one of the baby orphanages, you will often find that it's unnaturally quiet, with no babies crying. Why? Because there aren't enough people to take care of them--the babies all just have to "cry it out" and they've done that for so long that they all learn that they might as well not cry, since no one is going to come and take care of them anyway. The emotional consequences of this can be devastating to this children.

That is chilling to me. Anyone who does CIO must balance it out with a huge amount of loving care during the daytime.

Best wishes! You are going to have so much fun with two little ones very soon!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Personally, I feel there is a huge difference between letting a toddler fuss for 10 minutes before going in to check on them and "Cry It Out."

This is an issue you are going to have to decide for yourself. One thing to keep in mind however, small children are big creatures of habit. If you want them to accept a new routine, then you have to work through the period where that routine becomes habit.

For myself, when my children started walking, we became very constant in their bedtime routine. Bath, pajammas, go to the kitchen to get a drink, into their bedroom where they go into the bed, story, and then the parent leave. Anytime their routine is changed, they will fuss a bit. My children always get a clean diaper, food, a drink, or any other emergency need that might have at night. But one thing they don't get is Mom or Dad sitting in their room for hours to entertain them. Over a series of nights, if Mom or Dad goes in to pat their back a bit, talks to them...and reassures them - I have found that the fussing stops.

My youngest son is probably my worst sleeper. But he doesn't cry at night when he wakes up. He just gets up and plays with his toy for awhile and then climbs back into bed once he is sleepy. I ofen wake up at night and hear him in there singing to himself. I've decided that I'm fine with that.

 

[decker96]

Have you tried getting him to go to sleep on his own yet? He might surprise you. When my oldest was about 10 months I started thinking that the rocking her to sleep thing might not be such a good idea for the long term. So one night I just took her up to her room, read her a couple stories, rocked her for a couple minutes and then put her in her bed. She cried for about a minute and it wasn't really even a bad cry, more a fussy cry and then went to sleep. Never had a problem after that.
Of course, I know it's not always that easy! We tried the same with our youngest and she would scream and cry so much she would make herself throw-up. Going in every 10 minutes didn't work either because it would just get her more upset when you left. After two nights of that, I gave up. I also read the No-Cry Sleep Solution another poster mentioned and there were alot of good ideas in there. Now she goes to bed every night with no rocking, walking or anything (she's 15 months now). She may fuss a minute or two, but then goes to sleep.
Good luck, I know how hard it can be. I could never let my kids just cry for a long period of time either, it made me sick to my stomach!

 

[RadioNate]

I just wanted to clarify some things when I said "crying it out" worked for us. I think we all have very different ideas of what that means. I certainly didn't shut my child in his room for hours while he screamed. I definately wasn't ignoring him or neglecting him like he was in some understaffed orphanage.

I comforted him, held his hand, rubbed his back, talked and sang to him..what I didn't do was rock him until he fell alseep or feed him to sleep with a bottle (which is what he wanted and why he would cry). I reassured him and told him he was safe and loved and then I left his room. If he continued to cry 5-10 minutes (yes I would clock watch) I would go back in and start over. When he woke in the middle of the night I waited 5 minutes after the 1st night he found the water cup and never even really fussed again. After 3 or 4 nights he stopped waking for the cup. 5 minutes seems like FOREVER when a child is crying but after actually looking at a clock, I was amazed how fast we were actually going in there. We weren't giving him time to settle on his own, once we did he quickly learned to sleep on his own and there has been no lasting effects.

I don't think I'm mean, heartless, cruel or neglectful at all. I just think people have these horrible visions of us plugging our ears to screaming children when that isn't the case at all (yes I'm a little sensitive today).

 

[issa]

I also "cried it out"

I breast fed ( still do actually) and slept in our bed till she turned 1

gradually I moved her more into her own crib. By crying it out - I meant she cried but i was there talking and singing and she held my hand...but i did not pick her up or feed her.

I discovered two things...She LOVES to lie on her back and have her backed rub and that will get her to relax and drift off. so i would rub her back for a min and that allowed her to relax enough to sleep on her own. ( I do not mind the good night ritual of kisses and a pat on the back)

2) I would sing softly....if she screaming..she simply CANT hear me...so she has to quiet down in order to listen to her lullaby..combine with a back rub we have a sleepy, crib bedded child

It worked for us..she now will wake up at about 6am ...and then she comes into our bed for some morning cuddles and num nums..stays in bed cuddling till 7..when i wake up older child for school.

life is good

2

 

[Christine]

I just wanted to clarify some things when I said "crying it out" worked for us. I think we all have very different ideas of what that means. I certainly didn't shut my child in his room for hours while he screamed. I definately wasn't ignoring him or neglecting him like he was in some understaffed orphanage.

I comforted him, held his hand, rubbed his back, talked and sang to him..what I didn't do was rock him until he fell alseep or feed him to sleep with a bottle (which is what he wanted and why he would cry). I reassured him and told him he was safe and loved and then I left his room. If he continued to cry 5-10 minutes (yes I would clock watch) I would go back in and start over. When he woke in the middle of the night I waited 5 minutes after the 1st night he found the water cup and never even really fussed again. After 3 or 4 nights he stopped waking for the cup. 5 minutes seems like FOREVER when a child is crying but after actually looking at a clock, I was amazed how fast we were actually going in there. We weren't giving him time to settle on his own, once we did he quickly learned to sleep on his own and there has been no lasting effects.

I don't think I'm mean, heartless, cruel or neglectful at all. I just think people have these horrible visions of us plugging our ears to screaming children when that isn't the case at all (yes I'm a little sensitive today).

Ditto!!!

I don't think any of the books are advocating that you let you baby cry for hours or treat them like they are in an orphanage. They specifically state they you keep checking on them every 5-10 minutes.

 

[totalia]

I think some mommies are far too sensitive. Kids cry. Its what they do.

Your son needs some distance from you. If he cries every time he's apart for you, its a sign that you need to let go a little. It's also not healthy for him to be so dependant on you that he needs to be in your arms in order for him to fall asleep.

Perhaps that's harsh to say but its also the truth.

Now, that's not to say I don't understand. I do. I love it when the nephew falls asleep in my arms and I love him dearly but he also doesn't get to do that every time he falls asleep (not even with his mommy) and its much better for both of them.

I say let him cry it out even though it hurts you. Both of you need it.

 

[transparant]

I think some mommies are far too sensitive. Kids cry. Its what they do.

Your son needs some distance from you. If he cries every time he's apart for you, its a sign that you need to let go a little. It's also not healthy for him to be so dependant on you that he needs to be in your arms in order for him to fall asleep.

Perhaps that's harsh to say but its also the truth.

Now, that's not to say I don't understand. I do. I love it when the nephew falls asleep in my arms and I love him dearly but he also doesn't get to do that every time he falls asleep (not even with his mommy) and its much better for both of them.

I say let him cry it out even though it hurts you. Both of you need it.

I disagree with this. First of all...her child is still a "baby" not a "kid". You are right in saying that babies cry - its what they do. But...they do it for a reason. They cry because they are lonely, or sad, or hungry, thirsty, hurt, sick, etc. As a mother and father, you are the 2 people that your child trusts most in this whole world. I'm not saying that all crying is bad. I find nothing wrong with letting the baby cry for a few minutes - but I think after a few minutes a parent should go to him. Babies also go through a period of seperation anxiety that is a perfectly normal part of development. Most babies experience it and its normal...and they cry. Its not a sign that they *need* to be away from you more often at all.

It's also not healthy for him to be so dependant on you that he needs to be in your arms in order for him to fall asleep.

This is also a false statement. Studies show that when parents practice attachment parenting (carrying/wearing your baby, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc.) their babies cry less, and become more independent children and adults. This is a proven statistic and I will look it up to post it if you'd like.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I think some mommies are far too sensitive. Kids cry. Its what they do.

Your son needs some distance from you. If he cries every time he's apart for you, its a sign that you need to let go a little. It's also not healthy for him to be so dependant on you that he needs to be in your arms in order for him to fall asleep.

Perhaps that's harsh to say but its also the truth.

Now, that's not to say I don't understand. I do. I love it when the nephew falls asleep in my arms and I love him dearly but he also doesn't get to do that every time he falls asleep (not even with his mommy) and its much better for both of them.

I say let him cry it out even though it hurts you. Both of you need it.

This whole line of thinking disturbs me. Children are supposed to be dependent on their parents. That's why we don't send them off until they are 18. Heck, I STILL depend on my parents for emotional support and I am 27.

 

[GEM]

I disagree with this. First of all...her child is still a "baby" not a "kid". You are right in saying that babies cry - its what they do. But...they do it for a reason. They cry because they are lonely, or sad, or hungry, thirsty, hurt, sick, etc. As a mother and father, you are the 2 people that your child trusts most in this whole world. I'm not saying that all crying is bad. I find nothing wrong with letting the baby cry for a few minutes - but I think after a few minutes a parent should go to him. Babies also go through a period of seperation anxiety that is a perfectly normal part of development. Most babies experience it and its normal...and they cry. Its not a sign that they *need* to be away from you more often at all.



This is also a false statement. Studies show that when parents practice attachment parenting (carrying/wearing your baby, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc.) their babies cry less, and become more independent children and adults. This is a proven statistic and I will look it up to post it if you'd like.

Yeah, what transparant said . . .

I'd write more, but I have to go nurse my 20 month old to sleep - which I will happily continue to do until he is ready to give it up on his own, which I feel relatively sure will happen before he goes off to college.

(Diana - Have you read "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabth Pantley? I haven't, but a lot of moms I know and respect absolutely love it. Best of luck with whatever you decide!)

 

[Dopeygirl]

I'm glad to see this thread and the book recommendations, in particular. I'm not sure I can handle the full-blown CIO method but I also don't want to "train" her that I'll come rushing at every little whimper. So striking a good balance, with the scale tipped away a bit from CIO, is my goal. While we aren't having sleep issues yet, establishing good sleeping habits is something I really want to make sure I do. In all the reading we did before E was born, I somehow neglected to read much on sleeping!! I do have a routine with her I try to stick to (bath, little massage & PJs, story, nurse, story) and I've been putting her down drowsy sometimes. When she goes down drowsy, she'll usually stay down. So, so far I'm pretty happy. Waking up still happens 2-4 times a night (usually to nurse) but since she's only 3 months old, not unexpected!! LOL

 

[luv2nascar]

you're pretty much sunk. You have already formed the bad habits with him. We made those mistakes with oldest. She hated sleeping alone and we caved all the time. DD#2 I made my mind up I was sleeping through the nights with no baby in bed with us. We have stuck to it mostly. She is a much better sleeper than her sister. It took us 5-6 painful years to get her sister sleeping through the night on her own.

DD#2 is 18 mos old and has just moved into a big girl bed because she could get out of the crib. She sleeps in a full size bed with bed rails. She has a noise machine that plays waterfalls, beach sounds, etc. She mostly sleeps through the night. Most nights from 9pm to 7am.

Good luck and keep trying when it fails. Don't give up that's what they count on you giving in. I was never one for letting their one cry it out either. So we've managed to get them sleeping through the night without crying.

 

[WilmaBud]

I never let my kids cry it out. I'm a mom 24 hours of the day - not just the waking hours. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a 1 year old being dependent on his mother.

I wish I could offer some magical solution, but I have one who's always been a great sleeper, and one who's always been very needy at night.