Cremation/Ashes issues

[Sonya]

So my DMIL has lost her brother, mom, and both in-laws and both her kitties in the past year. It has been a very hard year. 15 years ago she lost her husband. She, her DH, and in-laws decided to be cremated. For some reason her in-laws got her DH's ashes. She assumed that they had them in the house some where.
Well now that the in-laws are gone she finds out that they scattered his ashes and their ashes (will be scattered) in the "scatter garden" and they made a plaque that says just their 3 names, it doesn't include DMIL's name.
She is very hurt by this. First they didn't tell her. Plus they eliminated her altogether. And finally she cared for them after her DH died and did EVERYTHING for them. Laundry, shopping, taking them wherever they needed to go, etc.
I think that she will get over it. DH and I have told her to get a new plaque made with all 4 names. That isn't where her DH and she wanted to be though!

I don't know if I really have a question, I think this was more of a vent. But I welcome your opinions.

 

[powellrj]

It would really tick me off too, but because she was younger when her DH died, maybe they assumed she would remarry and want to be buried with her new DH. Still its no excuse for the way they behaved.

 

[TEENEE]

Even though her dh's ashes are scattered in one place his spirit is with her and their children.

 

[BillSears]

I'd get a new plaque made with her name and her husbands on top in big letters with the In-Laws names in small print. She outlived them and she gets the last word.

I know she didn't want to be spread there but her choice now is to be spread there with her husband or to be spread somewhere else without him. She just has to decide which is more important to her. She could always have her ashes split between 2 places.

 

[SundancePass]

I would urge your DMIL to go to the nearest place she can be by herself, scream her lungs out in anger and hurt, let it go, and be scattered where she wants to be scattered. One cannot make up for the hurt others caused, but to be consumed by it gives the dead people power over your DMIL's life...and that is not good.

I am thankful she is still alive with everyone else passing in the past year but her DH. Hopefully she will live many, many more years and will always have her DH with her in her heart.

This is a huge hurt. I hope she can get over it (I know, I know) and past it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[cgcw]

I'd get a new plaque made with her name and her husbands on top in big letters with the In-Laws names in small print. She outlived them and she gets the last word.

Me too - except I'd exclude the in-laws names. They already made the decision to have their name included on their plaque.

It sounds like something my MIL would do. After all, I'm not "family" in their eyes. Almost 20 years of marriage and I still am the outsider. I'm sorry for the hurt she's feeling.

 

[koolaidmoms]

Even though her dh's ashes are scattered in one place his spirit is with her and their children.

I would get a new plaque made and have half of my ashes spread with DH then get a second plaque made for just the two of us where we wanted to be and have the other half spread there. Maybe she can take up a little piece of the ground and transplant it to the new spot too.

 

[GeorgeG]

I guess it's more of an issue for some than for others. For me, ashes should be disposed of in a place the deceased would have liked and let it go at that. I'm not one for keeping an urn full of ashes anywhere in the home or garden. I'd be happy having my ashed dumped somewhere in WDW, but it would have to be on the sly (what are they gonna do... kill me?).

 

[diznygirl]

I guess it's more of an issue for some than for others. For me, ashes should be disposed of in a place the deceased would have liked and let it go at that. I'm not one for keeping an urn full of ashes anywhere in the home or garden. I'd be happy having my ashed dumped somewhere in WDW, but it would have to be on the sly (what are they gonna do... kill me?).

No, they will vacuum you, and you will spend eternity in a Disney vacuum bag!



I'd probably be really mean and scatter their ashes someplace else. Then have a plaque with just mine and DH's names for the "scatter garden" and have my ashes scattered there. So it would just be the two of us - no in-laws!

Mean but oh-so satisfying.


I suppose the more mature way would be to have a new plaque made with four names. I hope your friend finds a way to deal with this that will give her peace.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'd get a new plaque made with her name and her husbands on top in big letters with the In-Laws names in small print. She outlived them and she gets the last word.

Good idea!

Or just leave their plaque there but add her own name on another plaque?

I would urge your DMIL to go to the nearest place she can be by herself, scream her lungs out in anger and hurt, let it go, and be scattered where she wants to be scattered. One cannot make up for the hurt others caused....

Agreed.

...because she was younger when her DH died, maybe they assumed she would remarry and want to be buried with her new DH.

Definitely possible. My stepdad remarried not even 3 years after my mom died; before, he would have been included in the family plot, but then he sent the info all to me and my brother, so I guess he won't be there now.

Still doesn't mean the in laws should have acted like that, they should have told her what they were doing, especially since they obviously kept close contact.

 

[Sonya]

I'd probably be really mean and scatter their ashes someplace else. Then have a plaque with just mine and DH's names for the "scatter garden" and have my ashes scattered there. So it would just be the two of us - no in-laws!

Mean but oh-so satisfying.


I suppose the more mature way would be to have a new plaque made with four names. I hope your friend finds a way to deal with this that will give her peace.

Yeah, we have joked that we guess grandma will be in the fireplace dust bin. But we would never do that. DMIL will get over this, but I know I would be mad as heck. Her husband had been gone 10 years and then they decide to scatter his ashes and not tell her. Now 5 years later she finds out.... crazy. I have no idea why they didn't tell her so she could decide if she wanted to be there and her name on the plaque.

 

[DisneyMomOK]

I am sitting here reading this in absolute shock! Don't people think a MINUTE before they do things like this. Were they senile? Was there some sort of dementia that would cause them to be so cruel? That is just shameful. You are so good to try and help your DMIL through this hurtful and sad situation.

 

[Evil Genius]

Did she ever ask about the ashes? I don't understand why she didn't have them. You are all forgetting that these are their son's ashes. If she didn't ask about them or let them know that she had other plans after all these years, they did what they felt was best for their son.

 

[daisax]

This wasn't discussed for 15 years?

 

[ZPT1022]

Did she ever ask about the ashes? I don't understand why she didn't have them. You are all forgetting that these are their son's ashes. If she didn't ask about them or let them know that she had other plans after all these years, they did what they felt was best for their son.

They should have asked her BEFORE they decided what to do with them. She should have been included in whatever little ceremony or whatever that I presume they had. That was a huge thing that she was left out of.

If DH died tomorrow, *I* get the final say in what happens- not his mother. Yes, he's her son, but I'm his wife. He and I are the ones who have talked about this sort of stuff. Were it up to them, DH would be buried in a suit with the full funeral/wake/church deal, which is not his style at all.

Then again, I'd never let my MIL have the ashes so it's a moot point.



Sonya, I am sorry for what your mother in law is going through- that is really rather crappy that they treat her like family in some regards (allowing her to do everything for them) but for such an important thing they went behind her back and basically screwed her over.

 

[arminnie]

I'd probably be really mean and scatter their ashes someplace else.

And I would add a little "fire hydrant" for the doggies to mark it on a regular basis.

 

[mommy*RN]

I would get a new plaque made and have half of my ashes spread with DH then get a second plaque made for just the two of us where we wanted to be and have the other half spread there. Maybe she can take up a little piece of the ground and transplant it to the new spot too.

I like this idea

 

[Evil Genius]

They should have asked her BEFORE they decided what to do with them. She should have been included in whatever little ceremony or whatever that I presume they had. That was a huge thing that she was left out of.

If DH died tomorrow, *I* get the final say in what happens- not his mother. Yes, he's her son, but I'm his wife. He and I are the ones who have talked about this sort of stuff. Were it up to them, DH would be buried in a suit with the full funeral/wake/church deal, which is not his style at all.

Then again, I'd never let my MIL have the ashes so it's a moot point.



Sonya, I am sorry for what your mother in law is going through- that is really rather crappy that they treat her like family in some regards (allowing her to do everything for them) but for such an important thing they went behind her back and basically screwed her over.

I have my husbands ashes in my house not at my MIL's without presumably a mention in 15 years that she would either want them or that she had plans for them. I feel bad for the parents. As they got older they didn't know what else to do. I'm sure they didn't feel they could approach their dil without upsetting her. They did what they thought was right. I'm shocked at the mean things folks are coming up with.

 

[ZPT1022]

I have my husbands ashes in my house not at my MIL's without presumably a mention in 15 years that she would either want them or that she had plans for them. I feel bad for the parents. As they got older they didn't know what else to do. I'm sure they didn't feel they could approach their dil without upsetting her. They did what they thought was right. I'm shocked at the mean things folks are coming up with.

Like I said, I'd have never allowed DH's ashes to go to MIL's house in the first place, but who knows how they ended up with his parents. Maybe she was moving and thought that their house was a safer place than a moving box and just never asked for them back. Who knows? I do still think that before putting the ashes in a final resting place that she should have been consulted.

I don't think I said anything mean, just that I know DH's wishes more than the rest of the family. I would think that is pretty normal


If you don't mind my asking, do you plan to scatter your DH's ashes or keep them with you? We just lost a family member this week so we've been talking about the whole "what I want my memorial to be like" thing, and we've agreed that whoever survives the other one will keep the ashes so we can have our final resting place together. I can't imagine not being with my DH, but another family member said that we were weird and morbid for keeping ashes to be scattered together.