Crazy husband - Restraining order

[nutterbutter2010]

My friends DH is totally nuts. He wants a divorce (because his mommy told him so....) but won't go file because he thinks that if he does, that means he loses everything, but if she files, she loses everything... Little does he know that in NJ, everything is split 50/50 regardless. He tapes their phone converstations, saying mean things trying to provoke her into saying something he could use in court against her. He put a tracking divice in her car (without her knowledge of course) to track where she goes all day long (shes a SAHM). He gets updates via his cell on who she calls / gets calls from on her cell.

She told me about all this (plus more...) and I kinda looked at her like she was crazy - she needs to get out of there!!! She kept telling me that she was staying so she could "gather more evidence" against him. I was like, OK, well, if you stay much longer, I guess the police can get the finger prints off your dead body as evidence soon.... Not even my saying that fazed her, it was like she was trapped.

So anyway, on Thanksgiving, she says that she wants her family over, her mother, sister, and her two kids. He says that he won't give her any money to buy the food (shes not on the bank account, and has no credit cards or anything - when she told me that 5 years ago, I told her she needed to fix it ASAP - guess that never happened....) and gives her a really hard time. He either gave in and gave her money, or her family brought all the food (I didn't get all the details) but they come over for Thanksgiving, and this MORON calls the cops to the house 3 times!!!!! He just keeps telling the police that he wants them out of his house. They of course tell him that they have the right to be there since the other owner of the house wants them there, if you don't like it, you can leave, or go into another part of the house, etc. On the 3rd call, the police tell him that if he calls again, they will arrest him.

So on Friday, my friend files a restraining order on him which gives her custody of their 2 year old daughter and the house, though shes staying with her mother right now. The police were camped outside of her mothers house for 2 days because they thought he may come there. She has a court time on Tuesday, and is trying like hell to get a lawyer for it.

The damage this guy is doing to her and their daughter (like telling the 2 year old that her mother is a lesbian....) is insane. Does anyone have any advice or experinece with anything like this? Whats going to happen at this hearing? She has yet to file for a divorce, but says that will come soon.... It should have happened 6 months ago!









Just want to add - if I have any spelling mistakes - I don't want to hear about it. I've even been PMed by a Disser about spelling something wrong - I don't care. This isn't a term paper, or the SATs!!!

 

[mickeymedic]

What state does she live in? If she lives in NY I could PM you with a Lawyer recommendation.

ETA - I just re-read your post...I see she is in NJ. Can't help there...I wish her the best of luck!

 

[janey99]

Her court date on Tuesday is probably in family court. What she was likely issued on Friday is a temporary or emergency restraining order, in order to secure her and her child's safety for some emergent time period (like one week). They are signed by judges based on paper applications that one party fills out, without hearing information from either side.

On Tuesday, she and her DH will appear, and a judge (possibly the same judge but not necessarily) will hear what both she and her husband have to say, and consider whether the temporary order should be extended for a significant period of time, like six months or a year.

The judge may also consider (sorry, I don't know the exact procedures in NJ) whether her DH has to make support type payments to her for the daughter and for her daily living expenses for some period of time while he is restrained from being in the house or having contact with her, if the continuing order is granted. I also don't know if custody or visitation issues are discussed in this particular hearing, but they may be.

It is not necessary to have a lawyer for these types of proceedings, as long as she can keep her cool and tell the judge completely and in an orderly fashion what she has been subjected to. If she has any papers or other examples of his treatment, it would probably be helpful to have them. She should be prepared to discuss his treatment of her that is abusive - verbal abuse, physical abuse, withholding money for daily living expenses, stalking, terroristic threats if he has made any. She should also have a rough accounting of her basic living expenses that she requires to support her daughter, and evidence that she has no money of her own. All of this will help the judge evaluate her situation. (However, she should not expect that the judge will make her DH pay all her expenses with no expectation that she herself may have to work towards getting a job, probably sooner rather than later)

Best of luck to your friend. I used to assist women in getting these types of orders in the Phila. DA's office, and the first step is often the hardest. She should not be surprised by any tactics her DH might use, whether it is telling outright lies about her that put her in a bad light, or acting like an angel in front of the judge, at the other end of the spectrum, to try to make her look crazy, or even acting profusely apologetic and lovey dovey. The more she keeps her cool, the better off she will be.

Jane

 

[Disney Doll]

Tell your friend to get a lawyer now.

 

[cabanafrau]

The police were camped outside her mother's home for two days???? How on earth did that happen?


Your friend needs not only an attorney, but an excellent attorney immediately.

 

[mickeylove2]

to your friend. This is similar to a situation I am going through with my BFF. Her ex spent 2 years in jail for beating her so badly that she was hospitalized. When he got out a few months ago he started harrassing her, she went to the police, they did nothing. He broke into her father's home and beat her and tried to kidnap her 3yo DD- he lost his rights to her. The neighbors had to come to her aid. The cops again did nothing so she filed for a restraining order for her and her DD.

He still harrassed her, cops did nothing, even though they knew exactly where he was because he was calling from a land line. She got scared so she and her DD came to my home. They stayed for 2 months and as soon as he found out where I lived, he came to my home, kicked in my front door and was coming after her DD. I had her in the tub at the time so I locked her in the bathroom and while I was trying to reason with him, he hit me a few times and then put a gun to my head and said he wanted his DD.

My friend was on the phone with the police the whole time. As he broke through my bathroom door, I started beating the crap out of him with a golf club. He dropped his DD and ran out of my house. Even though I live less than a mile from the State Police Barracks and have 5 cops that live in my development, it took 35 minutes for the 1st officer to respond.

While the police were at my house taking the report down, he called my phone, the officer answered it and he started threatening to kill me and the cop on the phone, said he was coming back would be there in 15 minutes and bullets were gonna fly. What did the cops do, made me pack up a bag and told me to find somewhere to stay for the night. I left my house and they didn't even follow me to make sure I got to where I was going.

He is still walking around harrassing me and my BFF and all the cops can do is right up a report. So, again good luck to your friend, she's gonna need it!

 

[Rora]

Tell your friend to get a lawyer now.

This should be the first thing she does. And she better do it quick. She needs to start keeping record of the crazy things he does/says.

What a horrible situation. She's certainly in my thoughts.

 

[Shutterbug]

to your friend. This is similar to a situation I am going through with my BFF. Her ex spent 2 years in jail for beating her so badly that she was hospitalized. When he got out a few months ago he started harrassing her, she went to the police, they did nothing. He broke into her father's home and beat her and tried to kidnap her 3yo DD- he lost his rights to her. The neighbors had to come to her aid. The cops again did nothing so she filed for a restraining order for her and her DD.

He still harrassed her, cops did nothing, even though they knew exactly where he was because he was calling from a land line. She got scared so she and her DD came to my home. They stayed for 2 months and as soon as he found out where I lived, he came to my home, kicked in my front door and was coming after her DD. I had her in the tub at the time so I locked her in the bathroom and while I was trying to reason with him, he hit me a few times and then put a gun to my head and said he wanted his DD.

My friend was on the phone with the police the whole time. As he broke through my bathroom door, I started beating the crap out of him with a golf club. He dropped his DD and ran out of my house. Even though I live less than a mile from the State Police Barracks and have 5 cops that live in my development, it took 35 minutes for the 1st officer to respond.

While the police were at my house taking the report down, he called my phone, the officer answered it and he started threatening to kill me and the cop on the phone, said he was coming back would be there in 15 minutes and bullets were gonna fly. What did the cops do, made me pack up a bag and told me to find somewhere to stay for the night. I left my house and they didn't even follow me to make sure I got to where I was going.

He is still walking around harrassing me and my BFF and all the cops can do is right up a report. So, again good luck to your friend, she's gonna need it!

Have you contacted the prosecutors office or local councilman or other official?

 

[nutterbutter2010]

She called me yesterday to ask me if I knew any lawyers, so shes doing that. I know of one, my sisters divorce lawyer, and we also went to school with his daughter, so she should have called him by now. She also called someone her sister knows who works for the state. He can't help her, but hes looking for local people that are good that can help. The biggest problem is that she needs to meet with some N-O-W and have them at the court tomorrow with her. Finding someone thats good with availability may be hard. But she said that shes not looking for a divorce lawyer right now, just someone to go to court with her....

 

[kafitty]

He is still walking around harrassing me and my BFF and all the cops can do is right up a report. So, again good luck to your friend, she's gonna need it!

holy moly, i don't know where you live, but i'm NEVER moving there!!

the cops should have issued restraining orders based on the threats alone, nevermind the actual abuse that occured.

y'all need to go to court, and quick.

 

[just4today]

How is he getting updates on his cell phone about her calls? I didn't realize that was possible.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

How is he getting updates on his cell phone about her calls? I didn't realize that was possible.

Beats me. Maybe its because its the same plan? Or maybe hes actually just going through her phone every night, I don't know, I don't have all the details. I know that he gets updates via his cell from the GPS he put in her car (without her knowing of course). She snooped through his phone a few weeks ago to find that one out.

 

[minkydog]

Your friend needs a lot of things, including a heavy dose of common sense. First, she needs to get out of that house--she's not safe there. Second, she needs a divorce lawyer STAT. She also needs to get her own cell (a month-to-month plan would work) and she needs to have a mechanic remove that GPS. This man is a lunatic and it's only going to escalate.

I would highly recommend she seek help from a battered women's shelter. There are lots of ways to be abused, not just physical. If this woman is so cowed that she doesn't work, doesn't have access to a bank account or a credit card, and has this crazy man following her every movement and she's been willing to put up with that she is exhibiting classic signs of battered woman syndrome.

ANd one other thing, OP--don't be surprised if she decides NOT to leave him. Women who are trapped in an abusive relationship often do not leave until the abuse becomes so serious that she cannot stay OR he kills her.

 

[lillygator]

how do you know he put a gps on her car without her knowing and if she is your friend why haven't you told her?

 

[nutterbutter2010]

Beats me. Maybe its because its the same plan? Or maybe hes actually just going through her phone every night, I don't know, I don't have all the details. I know that he gets updates via his cell from the GPS he put in her car (without her knowing of course). She snooped through his phone a few weeks ago to find that one out.

how do you know he put a gps on her car without her knowing and if she is your friend why haven't you told her?

Obviously she did find out. She was going through his phone, and found it on there as I said above. Shes the one who told me. I have no contact with the man what so ever.

 

[lillygator]

oh I guess I misunderstood what you meant.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

oh I guess I misunderstood what you meant.

Trust me, if I knew someone was stalking my friend, I'd let her know! However, she knows about the damn thing, and still does nothing about it. I told her to take the car to a garage and have them find where it is (its hidden) but shes all wishy washy about it, and kind of blows over the comment. I told her to bring the car over to my house, my DH would find it, again, blows it over.

I love my friend - I've known her since 2nd grade, but if shes not willing to do anything about it, theres nothing I can do. When I asked her if she had gotten the divorce papers yet, she almost get annoyed with it. She was like, I'm just dealing with this right now.... blah blah blah. I'm about to wash my hands of it all truthfully. If she wants my help, I'm here, but she doesn't.

 

[minkydog]

Trust me, if I knew someone was stalking my friend, I'd let her know! However, she knows about the damn thing, and still does nothing about it. I told her to take the car to a garage and have them find where it is (its hidden) but shes all wishy washy about it, and kind of blows over the comment. I told her to bring the car over to my house, my DH would find it, again, blows it over.

I love my friend - I've known her since 2nd grade, but if shes not willing to do anything about it, theres nothing I can do. When I asked her if she had gotten the divorce papers yet, she almost get annoyed with it. She was like, I'm just dealing with this right now.... blah blah blah. I'm about to wash my hands of it all truthfully. If she wants my help, I'm here, but she doesn't.

This is very typical behavior in battered women's syndrome(battering can be done emotionally, mentally, or physically). Sorta like it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. IN other words, she's afraid to change things. SHe's comfortable with the status quo, even though it's unpleasant.Try not to get too invested in this because you're going to be frustrated and hurt. She's NOT going to do anything about this. She doesn't want a divorce. She thinks if she just acts right and "improves" her husband will treat her better. She also may believe that she deserves the mis-treatment and all the advice in the world isn't going to change her mind. It can take YEARS for a battered wife to the point that she's ready to grow up and leave.

My advice to you (not that you asked) would be to continue to be a sounding board if you want. I probably would limit it, though, because people like this will go on and on endlessly about their problems but they don't really want to fix them, they just want to complain about it(and they get a LOT of attention for doing it.) Don't say negative things about her husband because she's going to stay with him and when the dust settles she's going to resent you for saying bad things about him, rather than being mad at him for being and obnoxious idiot.

 

[manning]

=mickeylove2;34513467 he came to my home, kicked in my front door and was coming after her DD.:

Boy if that was my house he wouldn't be harrassing anyone anymore. He would be dead.

Has anyone, you including you, filed any charges against him? I would coming think coming thru your door and threatening you with a gun would give him jail time.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

This is very typical behavior in battered women's syndrome(battering can be done emotionally, mentally, or physically). Sorta like it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. IN other words, she's afraid to change things. SHe's comfortable with the status quo, even though it's unpleasant.Try not to get too invested in this because you're going to be frustrated and hurt. She's NOT going to do anything about this. She doesn't want a divorce. She thinks if she just acts right and "improves" her husband will treat her better. She also may believe that she deserves the mis-treatment and all the advice in the world isn't going to change her mind. It can take YEARS for a battered wife to the point that she's ready to grow up and leave.

My advice to you (not that you asked) would be to continue to be a sounding board if you want. I probably would limit it, though, because people like this will go on and on endlessly about their problems but they don't really want to fix them, they just want to complain about it(and they get a LOT of attention for doing it.) Don't say negative things about her husband because she's going to stay with him and when the dust settles she's going to resent you for saying bad things about him, rather than being mad at him for being and obnoxious idiot.

I think your right about everything. She had her time in court with him today. I called her cell, but she never answered, and never called me back. I won't be calling her again - who knows what happened. For all I know, he could have shown up with flowers and chocolates, and she forgave him..... I want to know whats going on, but if she doesn't answer the phone, theres not much I can do, KWIM?