Could you use some jokes to take your mind off the war?

[SuiteDisney]

I'll put them all in this thread because I know people are looking for info on the war and I don't want to take up too much space on the opening page of the CB....
___________________________
English

Women's English:

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.

Men's English:

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any flippin dress
and let's go home!

 

[SuiteDisney]

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there
was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road.
Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You
need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and
scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey
up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the
opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up
the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch
hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over
a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for
picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo
immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway
with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I
thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today
we're going to Sea World!"

 

[Cinderellafifi]

LOL!

 

[SuiteDisney]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying
hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked
the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little
Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under
her bedroom, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever
are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...

"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

[SuiteDisney]

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about!" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the
old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone, "They're getting a divorce? I don't think do so!"
she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix
immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until we get
there. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "It worked. They're coming for
Thanksgiving and paying their own way. Now we have to
think up something for Christmas!"

 

[SuiteDisney]

- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

- Garbage would take itself out.

- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle."

- Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

- Two words... "Ally McNaked."

- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you
were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.

- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you."

- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

- "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out
of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into
your car like Fred Flintstone.

- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

 

[SuiteDisney]

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"

Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"

The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"

 

[ennazus]

hee hee hee!!

Thanks, Laura!

 

[SuiteDisney]

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the
Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means
to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began
to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so
beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her
skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make
her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem
ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

 

[Cinderellafifi]

Thanks for posting these! I called my husband to read the Women's English and when I got to "Do what you want = you'll pay later" I was laughing so hard I could not even speak! DH laughed too, saying these were certainly all about me!

This was just what my day needed!

 

[oddball27]

ROTFLOL!!! Very funny!! Thanks!!!

 

[doxdogy]

Not really a joke. If you have ever owned or own a dachshund you can definitely relate to the song.

I Am Dachshund

(to the tune of I Am Woman with apologies to Helen Reddy)

I am dachshund, hear me snore
On the laps that I adore
And I try to sniff other dogs’ hind ends
But I am down here on the floor
With a face you can’t ignore,
No one better call me weiner dog again.

Yes, I’ll fight
But I don’t like snow or rain,
Usually quite nice,
At nail trims I’m a pain.
When I want to, I will eat anything.
I am long, I am invincible,
I am dachshund.

You can bribe but never chase me
‘cause it only serves to make me
more determined to achieve my get away
Although your legs are longer,
My determination’s stronger
When will I get this human of mine trained?

Yes, I’m wise
Even if I am small sized
I eat lamb and rice,
And look how much I’ve gained
If I want to, I’ll bark at anything.
I am long, I am invincible,
I am dachshund.

 

[SuiteDisney]

Good one, doxdogy! My grandmother breed dachshunds and they were lovely dogs.


EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for
European communications, rather than German, which was the other
possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as
EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also,
the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear
up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make
words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the
languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze
unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar
changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

 

[thelooneyhouse]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam," he said courteously. "Is the restaurant still open?" enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no." came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you car to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like, hmm, cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist noodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though...they really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully."

"Oh...well perhaps you would care to contribute these thoughts to our Guests Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thank you!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused a moment, then scbribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

 

[SuiteDisney]

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother...

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head...

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face...

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not...

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face...

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Wow, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you really messed up my life...

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming...

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime...

 

[thelooneyhouse]

No offense to the blondes out there.....

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland.After being in a car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left",so they turned around and went home!.

 

[SuiteDisney]

Click HERE!

 

[SuiteDisney]

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing
relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike
most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends
who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up
your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman
whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your
name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One
of them is bound to be better than the one you already
have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had
already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER--this chain brings luck. One woman's pit bull
died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive
tackle. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE
CHAIN! One woman broke the chain, and got her own
husband back again.

 

[SuiteDisney]

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've
travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it is such a
nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh
at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper, then .... Oh my
goodness you forgot to pull your zipper down!

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a
smoking jacket, WHY would anyone
want to wear a wind breaker??

And best of all....
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.