CONFUSED BRIDE!! Please Help!! Opinions Needed!!!

[briar*rose]

Hello all!!

I am in need of direction.

I feel that I've become the most bi-polar bride-to-be ever and I need to find my way out of this jumble of ideas, planning and decicion making before my head explodes.

So I'm turning to you.....well, yous.

I'm going to explain my entire story in hopes that maybe someone can make sense of it, because I can't.

In the beginning (always a good place to start), I never thought that I would want a Disney Wedding. I've been going to Disney since I was 2 and I love it but I just never found myself to be one of those "princess-y" types. Long story short....over time, I found that Disney Weddings don't have to be all fantasy and prince charming...that you could have something more simple and not so flashy (not that flashy is bad....it's just not me).

The idea slowly made it's way into my brain, and there it sat (for many years...let's say 2)

My DB (now DF) and I have been together for almost 6 years now and we've lived together for 5. We both love Disney and try to go every year. On our last trip (our third together, see trip report HERE) he asked me to marry him. His train of thought was that since he didn't think we'd be able to afford a Disney Wedding we could at least have a Disney Engagement....which was totally awesome of him!!

Fast forward ..... >> To the start of wedding planning (end of October). My mother and father and his parents both made seperate guest lists (as did we) so that we could have an idea of how many people we were looking to invite, how many we could cut etc, etc....preliminary stuff. Now, my immediate family ALONE is 8 people, my mother has 3 other sisters (with families) and my father has 6 other bros and sisters (with families, who have families)....my point is...I have a HUGE family. DF does not. The final lists were 100 from my mother & father, 50 from DF's parents and 50 from us....200 PEOPLE!! With that...we started looking at halls and trying to set a budget. (I'm going to get into money so people who can't deal just be forewarned) We set a budget of $20,000 to $25,000.....did I mention we live on Long Island. That's cheep especially for 200 people but I was okay with the budget and we began to look into visiting some halls.

All the while DF keeps joking about getting married in Disney, to which my response was to look at him sideways. The reason being, right after we got engaged we had looked into a Disney Wedding (via the WishBook) for 100 people and it came to within our budget but for half the people. Then we began considering the fact that by requiring guests to travel makes gift giving practices a little different. Here in NY it is customary to give money as a wedding gift, having a destination wedding greatly reduces the amount of gifts a couple recieves, especially with half the people of the original guest list. Being as that we are not rich and we are footing the bill for our own wedding we found that a Disney wedding might not be the right way to start out our married life......dead broke....but with a bunch of pretty pictures.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be spoiled or sound like I'm getting married for money because I'm not. I love my fiance more then anything and I'd get married in a chapel in Las Vegas with Elvis as a witness if I had to but I can't spend $20,000 on four or five hours of partying without some sort of small fraction of a return. $20,000 can pay off our car and our credit card debt not to mention any other outstanding debts we have....a Disney Wedding just felt financially irresponsible.

So like I said....we had started to look into some halls on Long Island. This was about 2 weeks ago, and we have an uncompleted list of halls to visit and a budget that just seemed so silly. Someone told me that it was customary for the parents to pay for the plate of any personal friends they would like to invite, however my DF wants to pay for it ourselves, with no help for parents (though it was offered, DF doesn't like to take "hand outs" and I respect that). So I started to think...Why do I want to pay for all these friends of parents and long lost cousins and way-extended family members to party on our dime when I never even see them? I became upset and angered by the idea that so many people who didn't even know DF and I as a couple would be there for our most vunerable moments and our first moments as husband and wife. I want to share that moment with people I actually know (i mean, i know them but you get what i mean...i hope). If I have a wedding here on Long Island I feel I'm obligated to invite all of these people, because they would be offended if I did not.

I became annoyed and pissed off that I'd be getting married in some crappy hall that we had no emotional ties to as a couple and would probably never see again. I realized, this man will be my one and only husband and I want to marry him some where special with people who are special....somewhere that means something to us.

So I brought the DW up to DF again. This time he wasn't so receptive. He was the one who suggested it last time and I'M the one who said no, so he was a little annoyed with the fact that I changed my mind (which is understandable....I hate when I suggest something and he says no, only to suggest it again later). Anyway, he asked me why? if the financial reasons kept us from doing it then what has changed?...I told him what I just said above and he couldn't argue. I had talked to my mother the day before to see what she would say (since she had the most guests on her list) and she was thrilled by the idea. She suggested to have 50-60 people for a Disney Wedding (which would run us about $15,000) and then have a party in a small American Legion type place with all the people who we couldn't invite to Florida, which would be paid for by the two sets of parents.

GREAT IDEA MOM!!! So I ran that past DF.....he liked the idea but was now considering things that we didn't get far enough to consider before when we talked about a DW.....would some members of his family make it to/have enough money to attend? Half of my family are DVC members so getting my share of people down is no problem....but I dont want to wind up with just MY family there....we haven't spoken to DF's family yet because we wanted to get a real idea on just how much this Disney Wedding would cost us (the WishBook is good....but doesn't include everything)....so I'm going to call them today to see about getting more info....

....So at this point we are stuck between two worlds....do we just stay here and throw the big wedding and invite everyone or do we go away and have a seperate party upon our return? is that tacky? how should we approach mentioning the thought of a destination wedding with DF's parents?

I'm so confused!! What would you do????

 

[princessdisneybelle]

Alot of us have gone through the same thing. Most of us just told our families that we really wanted a wedding with the closest people to us there. I am having a reception when I get back to Texas for he people that couldnt make it to the wedding. I think alot of brides do that. And no its not tacky. Its actually gonna be more of a party then formal reception. Just really go wth what makes you and your DF the happiest. Seems like your parents love the idea. Now just talk to his. Good luck with whatever you decide. I know is a hard decision.

 

[orangetiggs]

wow, you have been through it all.

We got engaged on 2nd sept this year and I have always said that I wanted a disney wedding but when my DF finally asked (we have been together 7 years) I was shocked and knew that he was not 100% keen on the idea of a disney wedding.

After some talking (about an hour!) Disney was decided! We knew that since not everyone whats to go to florida for thier holiday as it is a bit expensive for us to come over that we wouldnt have many people which suited us as we do not like being centre of attention.

We told people and there first reactions were oh no not disney! which really hurt but I thought what the hell its our wedding and if they wanna join us they can!

We are having at least 18 that have confirmed to come and its in 2008 so plenty of time to save.

As none of my family and DF family can come apart from parents we are having a reception back home so that everyone can come and maybe have our wedding blessed so its like a whole wedding again so grandparents can see us get married!

So I can agree with only inviting a few to florida and then have a huge party when you get home

 

[karentan]

i say do whatever makes you happy. if people really care for you they'll understand. you're the one that'll be looking back on this day for the rest of your lives and it's got to be what makes you the happiest. we had a party for people who couldnt make it when we got back.

ps: hi orangetiggs, i'm from essex too, its a small world! whereabouts are you? (i'm from southend)

 

[TinkBride]

We went through the same emotions as well. We went from a wedding of about 175 guests to an intimate wedding with 18 guests.

DF and I really sat down and thought about it. Our feelings were "why pay 30.00 a plate for people to eat and drink on our dime when we don't even know them all that well?"

We went around and around and around. I was in the middle of planning a wedding at home when we changed our minds. My parents loved the idea, less hassle, less money to spend, and more of a carefree relaxed happy day, rather than trying to pull things together and being stressed out day of.

DF's parents were the kicker. When we told them they laughed at us. LAUGHED! Once we explained our thinking and feelings we got them to come around. They are still not crazy about the idea, but they will be there with smiles.

Our parents are hosting a reception in our honor when we get home to include all of those who were not able to come. This way they can be a part of this moment in our lives without the added expense and we can enjoy our day the exact way we want to.

I understand your anger and frustration regarding a large wedding for people you see once in a blue moon. Go with your gut. It is your and your DF's day. Enjoy it your way!

Good Luck!

 

[jasnal]

My DF and I went to the same thing but in the end he told me it was my day and you only get married once. You will remember this day for the rest of your life and its your wedding so I thing you should do what makes you happy!! You can still have a get together with all the people you dont invite to the wedding when you get back. And you can bring the pictures from the wedding or watch a video of the wedding so everyone can see!!! Good luck with whatever you choose!!!

 

[jojoandhb]

We're having a Disney wedding with 17 people, and only 2 are from his family. It just worked out that way because his mother and sister are afraid to fly and won't drive.
I think it's perfectly normal to feel "bad" about doing what you really want because it leaves some people out. Those people will understand, and if they can't come, they'll be invited to your party back home.
It's your day, and if you don't do what you truly want, you'll regret it. Do you want to look at your wedding pictures forever and think "I wish I'd had a Disney wedding?"
When I first started planning, people were upset. I heard, "Why Disney?" and "It's so expensive." and "We can't make it." I felt bad, and I was going to change my plans and have a wedding back home at a hall my grandpa likes. But, in the end, that just wasn't going to make me happy. So, we're back to Disney, and I get all giddy when I look at Disney wedding cakes and flowers. I know in my heart, it's the right place.

 

[ForKeeps]

Briar Rose,

I hope a destination wedding + reception back home isn't tacky because if it is I'm the tackiest . I'm not even doing a big reception when we get back.

Convincing my parents of a DFTW was a cinch. I think my dad was jumping up and down . And DF's parents....well....after explaining why we wanted to do it they were in full support as well. I felt weird about having a big reception back home because I thought it would wind up defeating the purposes of us having an intimate wedding at Disney. We came up with the idea to have a "wedding tour" instead. Between DF and I we have friends and family all over Ontario. It was unrealistic to ask any subset of them to drive 6+ hours for a reception. They're essentially going to be backyard parties, and we're kind of doing a rockstar theme -- tickets instead of invites, VIP tags, t-shirt favours. We'll play the video, look at pictures, hang out and each cake (nothing fancy). This way everyone gets to celebrate, it's not a huge expense, and we get to draw out the wedding for like half a year It was a tough sell to my mom at first. I think she had a hard time envisioning it. And she wanted to invite like 150+people just from her side of the family. So for extended family (her aunts, her cousins, my grandmother's brothers and sisters -- yes all included on her list ) we're going to send a copy of a DVD that DF is going to put together (with bonus features, slideshows of us when we were younger etc) with a package of microwavable popcorn. All of our friends think it's the greatest idea ever (mostly because they say they didn't enjoy their own big shindigs).

So I don't think it's tacky...but maybe I'm the wrong person to comment

 

[sunsh1ne]

I also am from long island. And i wanted a smaller wedding so that i could get more of the special things instead of spending money on just peoples plates. I made the decision to have a disney wedding and who ever wants to come down can. I hope i helped at all.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I'm from NJ. I have always wanted the princessy DTFW ever since I heard they existed in the late 90's. I thought carefully about the guests and the money issues just like you, for me the religion issue was just as complex, but that is neither here nor there.

Basically, my advice is to imagine that you've already made the decision to have a WDW wedding, imagine how you would feel walking down your aisle, at your reception, etc. Then imagine the same scenario, except at home. Imagine how you would feel walking down your aisle there, and at your reception there. Think carefully about how you feel either way and write it down if you like. The words, thoughts and feelings that come to you will help you make the decision that is right for you. If you imagine yourself at home desperately missing WDW, then you know you need to choose WDW. If you feel yourself thinking warmly about everyone there, or feeling happy because of financial security, then you know you need to choose that. If you imagine yourself at WDW uncomfortable because of finances or missing other guests that you couldn't invite, then you know you need to choose to stay home. If you imagine yourself instead squealing with delight over first glimpsing your wedding site at WDW, then you know a WDW wedding is for you! Imagine yourself looking at the pictures, would you really feel like you're just broke with a bunch of pretty pictures? If so, then WDW wedding isn't for you.

I decided that I would definitely rather have a few days of feeling like princess and prince and making my dreams come true than have a party here full of people I'm just not that close to. Let's face it, you can't have 200 best friends! Truthfully, it sounds like a lot of your guest list (half; 100) is your parents' guest list. Are you close to all of them? But, again, you might be. If you'd miss all those people, then choose a wedding at home. Also, you mention money. I have the same concerns. I know that I would probably get more in gifts if I had a wedding in NJ, but I *know* I would regret selling out my dreams for a few extra dollars. When I imagine myself looking at my pictures, I think it would make me feel special for the rest of my life - like I'd achieved something I always wanted. I feel like the happiness it would bring me would last longer than anything else I would buy with some extra cash.

That said, if you are really struggling with finances it isn't worth it - however since you're planning on spending 20-25k anyway, I guess that's not the case. You have to do what feels right to you and what will make you happiest once it's all said and done and you're left sitting on the couch in your sweatpants with just the scrapbook and the memories.

Good luck with everything! Congrats on your Disney engagement and good luck with your planning!

 

[ExCPKate]

I completely understand your dilemna as I was dealing with a similiar situation last week (if you search, you should be able to find the thread.)

We felt the exact same way, and went through the exact same emotions. If you can get both of your families on board--and I strongly recommend talking to them before booking anything--then I say go for Disney. After lots of debating, we decided to do a small custom and invite 75 people (we only expect about 30-35 to come.) Then when we get back home we will have a reception for everyone who couldn't come. It seemed like the best solution to avoid the ho-hum home wedding/reception to please hords of people we hardly know!

When you think of marrying your DF and if it was only the two of you, where would you go? If Disney is the answer then follow your dream! But believe me, I know how hard it is when everyone and everything is pulling you in all sorts of directions!

Good luck with your decision and keep us all updated!

 

[StephSFL]

It really comes down to what you want! If Disney is a place that would make you happy- it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling and you have ties to it- then I say do it.
You can do a Disney Wedding on any budget. The key with Disney is that anything they do is great. You won't have to worry about vendors canceling at the last minute or anything like that- it will be exactly what you want! A huge benefit is knowing you have a wedding planner who does it all- no stress (besides having to wait sometimes for them to call you back).
I definitely think the reception when you get back home is a great idea- you could do a really fun theme like recreating Disney at the hall (make park tickets as invites, dress as tacky tourists, etc.) or have something more "conventional" for those who chose not /were unable not go. Ok! I love any reason to have a party!
The people who care about you will want you to be happy and if a DFTW is what you all want, they will understand.
I hope everything works out. Please keep us updated.

 

[briar*rose]

Okay well...not much to update on but thank you all so much for your words....they really do help!! And everyone had such great ideas!

DF and I have been going over things for the last few days, sort of laying all the cards on the table. I called Disney on Friday with some questions that I had (general ones about needing theme park admission for a Living Seas reception and stuff about kids and room blocks, DVC and when I can book) and since I can't book until Feb. 1st 2007 (wedding is supposed to be February 29th, 2008) DF and I have a little bit of time to weigh our decision.

We are going to sit his parents down this weekend and see what they think.....cross your fingers for me!!

My parents (well more like my mom) is over the moon for the idea of a Disney Wedding which does make things easier since she's coming up with all these reasons why I SHOULD do it in Disney. lol

We have decided that if we do a DFTW that it will be a small custom of about 60-70 ish people....I expect all or most of them to come.

What I want to do...is get married in the morning in the Japan Pavillion, then have a lunch reception at the Living Seas then have an Illuminations Dessert Party. I don't know how much that will cost or if it's even possible but that would be my dream for a DW!! We'll have to see how things turn out i guess....I should probably let DF in on my idea lol

...maybe this thread will become a planning journal by February!!!

 

[TinkBride]

What I want to do...is get married in the morning in the Japan Pavillion, then have a lunch reception at the Living Seas then have an Illuminations Dessert Party. I don't know how much that will cost or if it's even possible but that would be my dream for a DW!! We'll have to see how things turn out i guess....I should probably let DF in on my idea lol

I think this is too cute! You sooooo have your mind made up on what you really want, it comes out in this paragraph. Good Luck with whatever you decide!

 

[JonetteA]

Briar*Rose,

We had the same amount of people, well around there anyways, and sorta did the same thing. Wedding in the UK Rose garden gazebo, reception CG, and an Illuminations Dessert Party. It is possible and it can be done!!!!

 

[briar*rose]

JonetteA, I totally copied you and contacted both Randy and STVS about their services!! Both have my date open YaY!!....DF wants a semi-accurate estimation of what a DFTW will cost before we make the final decision ....he's a pain in my butt but I understand why he wants that...I guess it's better to have a clearer idea of what we are walking into before we get ourselves into something we can't pay for. I hear from alot of people that once you add in attendant charges and all the tax and gratuity etc, etc that it winds up being a few thousand more then originally planned....

....eck...I have this habit about going on and on about money!! grr! I never thought about money so much in my life!

But...we ARE getting closer to a decision!! YaY!!

ps if anyone feels comfortable speaking about costs....please PM me, I would love the financial advice/heads-up....what to splurge on? what not to get?? etc. etc.....

 

[shellytc]

Since you asked...

I have been married twice. The first time was a full wedding with all the relatives, etc. I don't remember hardly any of it. It wasn't "for me", it was my mothers wedding. we even laugh about it now. The second (and lasting marriage), we went to the Ritz Carlton in Naples, Fl., just the two of us and were married at sunset in the garden overlooking the beach. Fabulous. I remember every minute of it. We still are thankful that we did it this way. And it makes for some good stories.

Go with your heart, only plan what you can afford and go for it.

As for DF's immediate family... maybe some of your famly can pool some DVC points and help them with lodging? That may help them "agree" with your decision...

Shelly