Confused about my wife and my marriage

[ADecentGuy]

Oops.

 

[mrsksomeday]

Have you thought about going into individual counseling so you can sort out your own feelings? Like you said:

"Shouldn't I be the one who should be overwhelmed with the bad feelings?"

She has to own her own guilty feelings, you have to own your side of the relationship. Counseling really can help.

 

[ADecentGuy]

Have you thought about going into individual counseling so you can sort out your own feelings? Like you said:

"Shouldn't I be the one who should be overwhelmed with the bad feelings?"

She has to own her own guilty feelings, you have to own your side of the relationship. Counseling really can help.

I've been a few times so far. Talked independantly with our marriage counsellor, seen someone else on my own as well, talked with a close friend about everything. I'm trying to be responsible for my own contributions (of which there are many).

I guess I feel a little selfish that most of her focus is on how bad she feels about herself and how hurting me makes her feel bad about herself, etc. It's mostly about how upset she is, with very little acknowlegdement of how I am doing, but I think this is because it's so painful for her to discus how her actions have hurt me deeply.

So confusing.....

 

[Pea-n-Me]

She says she's "not ready to talk about it with anyone yet".

She better get a move on. It's unfair to make you wait given the circumstances. You've given a lot of consideration to her; you need to be thinking in terms of yourself, too. You cannot make her change or do anything she doesn't want to do. The only thing you can change is your own reaction. She may actually be looking for you to be firm here. She's got some complex issues she needs to work out, and you need to understand your part in it, too. These are the things that become clear with counseling.

 

[Kat&Dom]

I've been a few times so far. Talked independantly with our marriage counsellor, seen someone else on my own as well, talked with a close friend about everything. I'm trying to be responsible for my own contributions (of which there are many).

I guess I feel a little selfish that most of her focus is on how bad she feels about herself and how hurting me makes her feel bad about herself, etc. It's mostly about how upset she is, with very little acknowlegdement of how I am doing, but I think this is because it's so painful for her to discus how her actions have hurt me deeply.

So confusing.....

I am so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. Her secret lifestyle is so completely opposite to how your upbringing sounds that I don't think there would have been any reason for you to suspect or realize what she was doing.

I too had my world fall apart when I discovered my ex was cheating. He continues to make bad choices for his life that hurt him most of all. I am just trying to keep my son from being collateral damage in his downward spiral. It is so hard to watch someone you care for self-destruct.

I know the pain that you are feeling and what helped me get through was focusing on being the best parent I could be for my son. Right now, I am both mom and dad to him because his dad is not at a place where he can be a good daddy. He is just in such a downward spiral - it is heartbreaking to watch. My priority is my son's health and happiness - I forgave my ex for the cheating because I know there is something lacking in him that he is trying to fill by the cheating. He feels so unworthy and makes bad choices that make him feel even more worthless. Our marriage is done but I do hope that he finds a way to be a happy person and live a good life. I want him to be happy and healthy because he is my son's father.

My heart just breaks for you because I can see in your posts that you are trying to understand and get past your pain and make sense of life. You did not do anything wrong and I am so sorry you got hurt by her bad choices. And whether she was in a depression or drunk - she still made a choice.

I think that it is so awesome that you are talking and getting support for yourself - it will help you work through all the various emotions that one goes through in this type of situation. Do get yourself checked for an STD - hopefully, you are fine but your wife is not living a safe lifestyle so you need to protect your health for the sake of your small children. They need you to be healthy both physically and emotionally.

Again, I am so, so sorry that this happened to you.

 

[ERICS MUM]

I just wanted to say yeah your a decent guy, and I'm soo sorry. The post suggesting being tested for std's is right on you need to do that right away. It seems to me there is more going on with your wife than simple depression, I would insist on a full psych evaluation, some of her behavior suggests perhaps something like bi-polar disorder. If that were the case then it would shed a whole new light on what was happening with her.

It might be wise to take a close look at your finances, and make sure nothing is going on there, and you also might want to legally have your house in order so to speak. It's awlful to have to think that way but you have children to think about and want to be able to continue providing and caring for them to the best or your ability.

As far as your future with your wife, you have to be able to forgive her and let it go. If you can't both of you will be miserable, because you would always be suspicous of her everytime she walked out the door. If you can't let it go and it would always be on the back of your mind then it might be time to start thinking of parting ways, I hope for your sake and your kids it can all work out and you find peace with whats going on with your wife. If you need any more big sister advice or to just vent we'll be here.

My thoughts exactly, you put it so well. This is such a difficult situation and to be honest it's going to take a lot of time and effort from both of you to resolve one way or another. Do you have support from close family, church minister etc ?.

All I can do is wish you well for the future whatever you decide. You obviously are "a decent man" and will find a way to do what's best for all of you.


Linda xxx

 

[ut*disney]

First, let me say how sorry I am you are going through this.

...most of her focus is on how bad she feels about herself and how hurting me makes her feel bad about herself, etc. It's mostly about how upset she is, with very little acknowlegdement of how I am doing, but I think this is because it's so painful for her to discus how her actions have hurt me deeply.

So confusing.....

She does discuss the details with me, as much as I ask for, although we have to do it in small doses as she gets overwhelmed with feeling terrible about herself. (Shouldn't I be the one who should be overwhelmed with the bad feelings?)

...She says she's "not ready to talk about it with anyone yet" ...

You said her promiscuous behavior happened while she was heavily drinking. However, the first time she took a job out of the house, she started this email/text relationship with a guy. Was she drinking while she was working?

In my opinion, all of this sounds like she is being manipulative. It sounds like she is using excuses as to why she does not want to discuss this much.

She owes it to you to discuss this whenever you want.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.