Confused about my wife and my marriage

[ADecentGuy]

Can't believe I'm writing about this in a public forum, but I created a separate profile as I post semi-regularly and feel more comfortable keeping this separate.

I am 35 years old and am married to the girl I started dating back when we were 17 years old. We dated for several years and lived together for a couple years before getting married about 7 years ago. We've been together literally half our lives and have seen each other through so mony things, university, young adulthood, family tragedies, the birth of our two children (3 and 5 years old).

The last couple years have been tough as my wife went into post partum depression after the birth of our daughter 3 years ago and despite taking medication, has never fully come out of it. In late January, I discovered e-mails from my wife to another person that were clearly at the transition point from an emotional relationship to something more. When I asked about it, she denied everything until I was clear about what I saw. This lead to 1.5 months of visits with a counsellor and her getting increasingly mad at me for being hurt over what she called "nothing, just some fun with a nice guy" and also for invading her privacy and reading her e-mail. Believe me, this was not just innocent fun and she had carefully deleted several e-mails and hundreds of text messages to this person. There were pictures involved and suggestions of meeting with a purpose. She dyed her hair, quit her job, had wide mood swings. This was not the person I thought I knew.

In the last 2-3 weeks, she admitted that she had taken herself off her anti-depression medication shortly before this situation started. She has started taking the right medication again and in her words "began seeing clearly" again. I felt we were now working on healing.

As part of the counselling and trying to figure out where we are going, I raised the question of some other situations from several years ago that I now have questions about. I asked for brutal honesty, so that we could lay out all our cards and see what we have to work through.

I got more than I bargained for.

For the entire 10 years of our relationship before we married, she had a series of situations ranging from emotional (not physical) relationships with coworkers for several months, to "making out" with others when out dancing with her girfriends, to full on one night stands with strangers picked up from bars or parties. Some of these were with random people, some were married. This was going on consistently over 10 years, unknown to me, my friends, and our "couple friends" I have asked, but with full knowledge of her best friends. It seems most people in our lives had no clue.

Now since we've been married and had children, there has been apparently no situations, other than the recent one, but learning that our entire relationship leading up to our marriage was based on false beliefs is hard to take. I feel like I wasted my youth being true to someone who had no feeling of obligation to be true to me. I can certainly chalk some of the early stuff up to being young, as we were teenagers when we started going out after all. Kids do dumb things. But the worst of the situations happened as we got older (late 20's) with probably the worst one only a few months before I proposed. Nearly everything involved heavy drinking when she was away from me.

I am hurt and confused. On the one hand, I now know she had very serious untreated depression for all our time together, but it was not so bad that she had no concept of right and wrong. She covered all of this up very well. She has been faithful since we got married and started having kids, but on the other hand she has spent the last several years either pregnant or as a stay at home Mom. Hard to get involved with anyone when you're constantly toting around kids. The recent situation developed at the first part time job she has taken since the kids and is essentially her first independant foray outside our circle of neighbors and friends in years.

I want to be a good and understanding man and work through this and be supportive to her needs and considerate of the untreated depression she has suffered with through her life (she admits to everything now and this makes her feel terrible and worthless), but I am having a tough time separating this from years and years of betrayal and in many cases behaviour that could have been dangerous to our health and lives. On top of this, she is now confused about life and ambivalent about whether she want to be with me.

I see now that we moved in together for the wrong reasons, got married for the wrong reasons, and although I would never trade them for anything maybe had kids for the wrong reasons. Underneath it all, I know we genuinely care for each other, but don't know if there is love there on her side, or if there ever truly was to begin with. I can't turn away from her at this time as she's going through a crisis of her own, but I don't want to sign on for more pain. I can't be certain this won't happen again, and she admits she isn't even sure of herself anymore as she never really saw this behaviour as a whole or saw herself as an unfaithful person, just a series of isolated incidents that she had suppressed and put behind her one at a time.

I want to be a good person and love and support my wife as I promised to, but the last week has been the worst of my life and I can't go through this again. I can't only count on the fact that if she takes a pill and doesn't drink she'll never behave this way again, particularly since she's not even sure she wants to be with me.

This has gone on much longer than I expected. I guess I needed to vent. I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to cope with all of this information and the feelings it brings. I don't want to screw up my kids, but I don't know if we can be together in the long term.

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!

Hopefully clarity and healing will come with time.

P.S. I will freely admit that I have not always been a perfect partner. I could have been more understanding, provided more physical contact, and been kinder many many times over the years, but I don't feel that I have been a bad husband or partner. I am a good man a good father and deserve to be treated with love and respect.

 

[D1sneymum]

Go ahead and vent! It's a good way to get your feelings off your chest. As for advise I don't have any. It's for you and yours to decide. I will pray for you and your family that you get through this and make the best decision for you and your family. God Bless

 

[mrsksomeday]

She has hidden several affairs whether it be emotional or physical and had one night stands. Depression is not an excuse to cheat. She wasn't depressed enough NOT to hide everything from you for years. It sounds like you never really knew the real her, she put on a mask of what she wanted to be, what she thought you and others wanted her to be and led a double life.

I suggest getting STD tested (I don't care if she says there has been nothing physical since your marriage, please do it) and work on individual and couples counseling if you think the marriage is worth saving.

Once trust is broken it is extremely hard to get back. You will be wondering if she is texting, calling, or IMing with someone, that would be the natural response. I would work on what you want out of life, what you want a marriage/relationship to be, and if she should be a part of that future.

Don't stay in a marriage because you want to do the "right thing" figure out what you want your future to be and see if she fits into it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you . It is good to get the feelings out, vent away. I am going to PM you a couple of links to some sites that you might find helpful.

 

[JoShan1719]

I second both individual counselling and marriage counselling. The individual will help you explore what you want and need in your life, as far as whether to stay with her or move on. The marriage counselling will help you two work through your issues together.

This is a difficult situation and, like most things in life, I don't think there's a right or wrong choice. But a choice does have to be made, and you have to live with that choice once it is made. I also think you should get tested, just to be sure everything is clean. Even if she was safe, condoms, birth control, etc. don't protect you from STDs.

I wish you the best and hope you come back to keep us posted.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with the above advice.

If it doesn't work out, how do you think your wife will be?

Before you do anything rash, you should think all of your options through carefully and be sure to get your ducks in a row.

Wishing you the best.

PS I have seen this website recommended here before: www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[Christine]

I'm so sorry to read what you have been through.

The politically correct thing to say is to continue with counseling and work on these issues. But honestly, I'm not feeling it.

Your wife has some very, very, very deep issues that she needs to resolve. These are going to take years. You may not be the right person for her. But if that is true, that is not what caused her behavior. I believe that your wife needs constant outside validation from men and, until she gets past that, your relationship with her is going to be at risk. My guess is that you have been and will continue to be her "safe haven" or her "life raft" as she sails through the very choppy waters of her life.

Having children certainly complicates what the right thing to do is. I'm not one who believes in staying together for the sake of the children. In 99% of the cases the kids know something is weird and they get messed up because of that. Divorcing doesn't screw up your kids. In fact, in can allow two dysfunctional parents to become healthy on their own. I personally don't think I could ever trust her again.

 

[Sadie Chez]

I just wanted to say yeah your a decent guy, and I'm soo sorry. The post suggesting being tested for std's is right on you need to do that right away. It seems to me there is more going on with your wife than simple depression, I would insist on a full psych evaluation, some of her behavior suggests perhaps something like bi-polar disorder. If that were the case then it would shed a whole new light on what was happening with her.

It might be wise to take a close look at your finances, and make sure nothing is going on there, and you also might want to legally have your house in order so to speak. It's awlful to have to think that way but you have children to think about and want to be able to continue providing and caring for them to the best or your ability.

As far as your future with your wife, you have to be able to forgive her and let it go. If you can't both of you will be miserable, because you would always be suspicous of her everytime she walked out the door. If you can't let it go and it would always be on the back of your mind then it might be time to start thinking of parting ways, I hope for your sake and your kids it can all work out and you find peace with whats going on with your wife. If you need any more big sister advice or to just vent we'll be here.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Excellent points in the last two posts. I agree.

 

[Floydian]

...I personally don't think I could ever trust her again.

And I think this is one of the biggest issues the OP, or anyone in this situation, will have to face. The love and devotion and feelings may or may not remain. But no matter what, the simple idea of whether you can ever truly trust this person again is going to affect everything else. Be aware of it and be honest with it.

Best of luck to you during this difficult process.

 

[ADecentGuy]

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when nobody's looking."

Your signature seems especially fitting for this topic.

 

[ADecentGuy]

Thanks so much for all the responses and words of encouragement everyone. It really helps when I feel so lost.

I'm going to read it all and take it all in, as well as check out the links that were mentioned here and also PM'ed to me. I'm actually out of town travelling for work this weekend, and about to leave to catch a plane home so not much time to read yet. I'm sure I'll have more to say after catching up with it all.

Since the "one night stands" were several years back and apparently protection was used (but with heavy drinking involved I guess who really knows), I hadn't really even considered getting tested for anything but better safe than sorry. Never imagined I would have to be doing that as a married man.

 

[DipsyDoodles]

You really do sound like "ADecentGuy" and you deserve a decent gal. I hope that you find her. Be strong and take care of yourself and your children....they are lucky to have you as their dad!!

 

[minkydog]

Has there ever been any suggestion of bipolar disorder? Because a lot of what you're saying fits. The hiding, the risky behaviors, depression that won't lift, multiple affairs of one sort or another, extreme irritability, the inability to see yourself as others see you, the inability to recognize that your behaviors are hurtful and wrong. Very very typical of bipolar mania. A lot of people think that mania is this great big party high or complete breaks with reality, but it can manifest in many differnt ways including everything you just described.

I have bipolar.

If you want to save your marriage you're wife is going to have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. This is not the job of a family doctor--they are not equipped to manage this. Anti-depressants taken alone are well known to kick off mania. The longer depression goes on, the worse it gets. Most people who have bipolar are treated with mood stabilizers AND anti-depressants. I'm on three different meds and I now have a completely normal life.

If you cannot make your wife understand that her seeing a specialist for this is CRITICAL to saving your marriage, then I think your marriage is lost. She very well may not comply. If not, I imagine she will continue to jerk you around until you get sick of it.

We can't make other people do what we want, but we can create boundaries that keep us safe. Right now, I'm guessing that you don't feel very safe, emotionally, in this marriage. Even if she will not seek treatment, I think you should. It would help you understand better what's happening in your life and probably would give you some insight as to what to do next.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Fellowship9798]

Best of luck to you in this difficult time.

 

[ADecentGuy]

Thanks to everyone for the responses. Here's another long one....

She has hidden several affairs whether it be emotional or physical and had one night stands. Depression is not an excuse to cheat. She wasn't depressed enough NOT to hide everything from you for years. It sounds like you never really knew the real her, she put on a mask of what she wanted to be, what she thought you and others wanted her to be and led a double life

Thanks, I did get the PM. I find myself naturally wanting to "give some slack" because of the depression, but I know I shouldn't. It's not as if she was a nutcase. She was (and is) a fully functioning adult with an honors university degree in psycology, a career, kids, friends, etc. I know there's no excuse, but I think my brain wants to find some way of justifying it or placing blame on something out of her control so it doesn't hurt me so much that she did this.

If it doesn't work out, how do you think your wife will be?

Wel, it could go a few ways but probably one of two. First, she could take all this in and make some major changes to her life and outlook. Second (and I think more likely) if we don't continue together, she will feel terrible for a few weeks or months, gradually convince herself that it really wan't that bad and that everything was justified as she has done with all these things before, and suppress it into oblivion. I could see her dating again relatively soon and being excited by the new "thrill of the hunt" as that's some of what she was looking for before.

I didn't mention before that after the first emotional affair came out, 2 or 3 weeks later while we had agreed we were working together on determining how we would move forward, she signed up for an online dating site. She closed her account 2 or 3 days later. When I came across this, she accused me of spying on her again (really wasn't, I was checking e-mail and the addresses were in the Internet Explorer drop-down address bar) and said that she had "a moment of weakness and lonliness and thought nobody would ever lover her so she wanted to see what was out there". Not very encouraging.

Your wife has some very, very, very deep issues that she needs to resolve. These are going to take years. You may not be the right person for her. But if that is true, that is not what caused her behavior. I believe that your wife needs constant outside validation from men and, until she gets past that, your relationship with her is going to be at risk. My guess is that you have been and will continue to be her "safe haven" or her "life raft" as she sails through the very choppy waters of her life.

Very true. I've been the rock there for her when she's drifted, although I had no idea how far. She does have huge issues in her family and childhood (drinking, various kinds of abuse, drugs). As a teenager she drank, never knew her father or had any father figure, and looked for attention and "love" by being flirty with boys and being mildly promiscuous. Looking back now, I feel stupid and foolish since I should have seen this coming, but when we started together at 17 years old, as a normal middle class kid with a good family I couldn't comrehend the impact of her background. She wanted a different life than what she had so she followed my lead and it felt like it was a good fit, but obviously she never escaped the problems, just stuffed them into a box that still overflows from time to time ever since. Most people who knos her have some idea of her background but they all hold her up as an example of "overcoming" a troubled past. She's obviously not willing to talk about any of this with anyone she knows as she's ashamed of herself.

Has there ever been any suggestion of bipolar disorder? Because a lot of what you're saying fits. The hiding, the risky behaviors, depression that won't lift, multiple affairs of one sort or another, extreme irritability, the inability to see yourself as others see you, the inability to recognize that your behaviors are hurtful and wrong. Very very typical of bipolar mania.

(Editted out a bit)

If you want to save your marriage you're wife is going to have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. This is not the job of a family doctor--they are not equipped to manage this.

(Editted out a bit more)

If you cannot make your wife understand that her seeing a specialist for this is CRITICAL to saving your marriage, then I think your marriage is lost. She very well may not comply. If not, I imagine she will continue to jerk you around until you get sick of it.

This has come up in marriage counselling. She's been asked questions about her behavious and various possible conditions. She has tended to admit to some general mild charteristics of a few things, but then she brings up her honors degrees in psychology and brushes these things off as "she knows what they are and she doesn't have them". The counsellor seemed to accept her word on this and moved on.

If I were to suggest an evaluation, based on past experience she would (has) react angrily and suggest that because of our marriage difficulties I am just trying to make her look crazy.

And I think this is one of the biggest issues the OP, or anyone in this situation, will have to face. The love and devotion and feelings may or may not remain. But no matter what, the simple idea of whether you can ever truly trust this person again is going to affect everything else.

That is the true. I don't know how to trust after all these years of deception, plus the fact that I really feel that she is only talking with me now on a superficial level and when we talk about our relationship and the affairs, she is answering questions and talking, but only out of a sense of obligation to me or as some kind of "punishment" for herself. She won't admit this, but her actions and demeanor make it pretty clear to me.

 

[Christine]

Very true. I've been the rock there for her when she's drifted, although I had no idea how far. She does have huge issues in her family and childhood (drinking, various kinds of abuse, drugs). As a teenager she drank, never knew her father or had any father figure, and looked for attention and "love" by being flirty with boys and being mildly promiscuous. Looking back now, I feel stupid and foolish since I should have seen this coming, but when we started together at 17 years old, as a normal middle class kid with a good family I couldn't comrehend the impact of her background. She wanted a different life than what she had so she followed my lead and it felt like it was a good fit, but obviously she never escaped the problems, just stuffed them into a box that still overflows from time to time ever since. Most people who knos her have some idea of her background but they all hold her up as an example of "overcoming" a troubled past. She's obviously not willing to talk about any of this with anyone she knows as she's ashamed of herself.

At 17, never in a million years could you see that coming. I would venture to say that only a 40 year old with lots of life experience could have predicted that.

I had a very similar upbringing/childhood as your wife and also married young. It took me probably 15 years to realize that I married to save myself from that lifestyle. It's been very hard. I'm a more low-key, risk adverse person so I have not acted on some of emotions/feelings but I do know they are there and I understand your wife's motivations more than you can imagine.

 

[ADecentGuy]

At 17, never in a million years could you see that coming. I would venture to say that only a 40 year old with lots of life experience could have predicted that.

I had a very similar upbringing/childhood as your wife and also married young. It took me probably 15 years to realize that I married to save myself from that lifestyle. It's been very hard. I'm a more low-key, risk adverse person so I have not acted on some of emotions/feelings but I do know they are there and I understand your wife's motivations more than you can imagine.

My parents were concerned when we started going out as they picked up bits and pieces of her past from when she talked about her life at home, but over the years they came to love and respect her and fully accept her into our family. They became a second set of parents to her, encouraging her all the way through university and taking her into their home for several years after a bad experience with a roomate. In fact the time when she lived in my family home (I was living elsewhere at the time) was when she had some of her worst behaviour. Maybe she fell into the role of a child acting out against her family. Who knows.

It's interesting to hear that it took you so many years to come to the realization about where you came from and why you married. I sure wish my wife had been more "risk averse".

Thanks for your reply and for everyone's comments. It's a lot to think about.

She's talking with me about it all in small doses and seems to be open about everything, but I'm cautious about believing anything. She talks to me, but is unwilling to talk in detail about this with any of her close friends or independantly with a counsellor. Without accepting some kind of counselling for herself, I don't think I can believe she's really ready to face things.

 

[ADecentGuy]

FellowTraveller:

I received your PM, but since I don't have 10 posts under this profile yet I can't send back a reply.

Thanks for your comments and support.

 

[mrsksomeday]

She's talking with me about it all in small doses and seems to be open about everything, but I'm cautious about believing anything. She talks to me, but is unwilling to talk in detail about this with any of her close friends or independantly with a counsellor. Without accepting some kind of counseling for herself, I don't think I can believe she's really ready to face things.

I know it is your marriage and your life, but if it was me I would be telling her that if she wanted a chance at the marriage working individual and marriage counseling would be crucial to continue with the relationship.

Being unwilling to talk in detail is hiding things. If she is hiding things you can't trust her, if you can't trust her there is no real relationship, you both are just going through the motions and that is not fair to either of you. That is no way to live life.

The questions and resentment will keep festering like an infected wound, until she can own up to what she has done for YEARS, this situation will not get better.

 

[ADecentGuy]

I know it is your marriage and your life, but if it was me I would be telling her that if she wanted a chance at the marriage working individual and marriage counseling would be crucial to continue with the relationship.

Being unwilling to talk in detail is hiding things. If she is hiding things you can't trust her, if you can't trust her there is no real relationship, you both are just going through the motions and that is not fair to either of you. That is no way to live life.

The questions and resentment will keep festering like an infected wound, until she can own up to what she has done for YEARS, this situation will not get better.

She does discuss the details with me, as much as I ask for, although we have to do it in small doses as she gets overwhelmed with feeling terrible about herself. (Shouldn't I be the one who should be overwhelmed with the bad feelings?)

But her inability so far to seek help for herself through friends or counselling is something that I think will prevent her from making any real changes in her own head. She says she's "not ready to talk about it with anyone yet" but if she waits too long, I fear she may just suppress all her guilt and negative feelings again, just as she did before, until the pain is dull and she can't remember why any of this was such a big deal.

I hope for the best, but I need to be cautious and protect my own interests. It just hard for me to think that way.