College: Who Pays - Parent or Kid?

[runwad]

I went to a commuter school 15 minutes from home. Lived at home and college was the best years of my life. I in no way felt jipped because I didn't live at school. I got involved in a sorority and other campus activities and had a blast. So I don't have the mindset that you have to live away at school to get the full college experience. Heck I did practically live at school. I only went home to shower, eat and sleep, then I was heading back to college for this or that. The key to a great college experience is getting involved whether you live at the college or at home. I think I had the best of both worlds and hope my children enjoy their college years as much as I did.

 

[westjones]

Well my twins (who are commuting from home) are about 6 weeks into college now and the commuting is working out fine so far.

They have both joined groups that have helped them meet new friends. One is on a sports team and went to a weekend long tournament last weekend and was gone for two nights. The other has a 'retreat' coming up with one of her groups in a couple of weeks and has met several new friends in that group.

Just today my girls brought home someone they met in a class and they all went shopping together.

Both of my girls have friends living in the dorms and have gone over to visit many times.

I realize it isn't for everyone, but it is saving us $17,000 a year (since we have twins) and we honestly can't afford the dorms.

So for anyone who is thinking of doing this to save money.....so far, it working out for us.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't get why when someone says they feel living in a dorm is a worthwhile experience a bunch of people come on and act like we're saying that students who don't get that experience are doomed.

This entire thread, people have talked about providing the best options for their student that they can AFFORD. No one has said, go into massive debt for things you can't afford. If I couldn't afford for my child to go off to school and live in a dorm, we wouldn't do it. That doesn't keep me from thinking it's the best case scenario for him.

My thoughts exactly. I lived in a dorm and had a great experience -- an experience that cannot be duplicated at any other time in life. 18 isn't really an adult yet, and it is a halfway step to independence -- not a bad way to ease into adult responsibilities. My daughter is having a similar experience now.

No one anywhere on this thread has actually predicted gloom and doom for any student who doesn't live in a dorm. Given that roughly 25-30% of the American adult population has a bachelor's degree, the majority of Americans have not lived in dorms -- and, clearly, they're not all doomed. That's just twisting and stretching words, or -- as you said -- "acting like we've said" . . .

But I do agree with you that, if it is financially viable, living in a dorm gives the student the best shot at success in college. Living on campus immerses the student in school 24/7. Living on campus is a constant reminder that the student has made a four-year commitment to his education and that it is his primary focus.

Some people will not fit into the dorms for whatever reason. Some people will not be able to afford the dorms. So those groups have to figure out what's best for them, but that doesn't mean that on campus living isn't very beneficial for those who do fit the traditional student profile and who can afford it.

 

[xCourxCorex]

I think living in dorms CAN be a way for some students to gain more independence, but it is definitely not for everyone. Cost should definitely be a factor in making this decision. For me, living on campus was actually not *much* more expensive than living at home - my financial aid from school gave me a grant, which paid for a good portion of the room/board costs. My senior year, when I decided to commute, the grant was reduced, as the expense was not there.

There are good things about living in the dorms - it can be an easier way to meet people and make friends, you are closer to all the campus activities all the time, it can be a sense of community within a floor/dorm building, there are no parents/adults watching over you 24/7, so you must learn to be independent with your work, going to classes, etc.

But your student may also have the experience of "party buildings" - obnoxious, immature dorm-mates or even roommates who are up until 3am, drinking, dancing etc. Your student's dorm may not have that tight-knit community feel; many of the students may travel home on the weekends; your student may feel trapped or stuck at school and not excel. Sure, living with another person (or 2 or 3) provides real-life experience in problem-solving and learning to deal with differences... sometimes those can interfere with your student's life and well-being.

I don't think it's right to generalize about dorm-living. For some, it may provide a chance to learn to live independently, and for others, it may be a free-for-all no parents party for 16 weeks at a time. It largely depends on the type of person the student is. While some may be mature enough to understand that they are there for academic purposes, with all the added benefits of dorm life; others may not care that they(student loans) or their parents (footing the bill, taking loans etc) are shelling out thousands of dollars a year.. that type of student certainly does not benefit from dorm life in the manner that some are proclaiming.


In my personal experience - I lived on campus for 3 years, at a very small school. There was lots of drama, not always a lot to do on weekends besides go home/work, or go out to a party, and I eventually decided to go home and commute for my senior year. Things I learned from living with others in the dorms: roommates can be crazy, girls have even more drama than I thought, 18-21 year olds are incredibly immature, and I became proficient at doing my own laundry in a community-setting...

Things I learned commuting from home for one year: how to manage my schedule, what to do with down-time between classes without a room to go nap in, managing time / driving and traffic from home to school, managing money (no "meal plan"), coordinating group projects when living 20+ minutes from other students, focusing more on school work with less distractions at home, being able to work more hours at part time job.

Just my 2 cents

 

[DawnM]

Unless you went to boarding school from the age of 8 until you graduated from high school.

Dawn

My thoughts exactly. I lived in a dorm and had a great experience -- an experience that cannot be duplicated at any other time in life. 18 isn't really an adult yet, and it is a halfway step to independence -- not a bad way to ease into adult responsibilities. My daughter is having a similar experience now.

 

[westjones]

If you can afford it, dorm life has it pluses.

But if you can't afford it, and you don't want to finance the dorm room through loans, then I just wanted to say that from what I am seeing with my twins, it is possible to commute and still make friends and be a part of the college life and have a really good college experience!

With so many things, it is all about money. Just like so many kids have their own car. We can't afford that. We bought one extra car and my twins have to share. I am sure it is a great experience to have your own car. But we can't afford it.

So I think it is great for those of you who can pay for all of this for your kids. If I could I would. If I won the lottery today, my girls would be in the dorms next semester! (won't happen though because I don't buy lottery tickets).

 

[Woth2982]

For me personally living in a dorm was a great experience. I was basically dropped off at college and said have fun, you can't come home for at least a month. I did much better academically in the dorm than I think I would have at home. I am one of those people who does not like to be hovered over or interrupted when I am studying. I am dyslexic so I have to occasionally read things several times before it sinks in, and knowing my mother, she would be CONSTANTLY hovering over me, "did you your homework? Why Aren't you studying?" etc etc. which would probably have led me to not do anything and borderline fail out. At the dorm I had the freedom to do my work around my schedule and not feel like I was being nagged. I was also co-dependent on my parents at the time, and needed to be two states away from them to learn to figure out problems on my own. I had a ton of debt when I graduated (which was finally paid off this summer, and now I am trying to buy a condo), but I do not regret for one minute my decision to move away and live in a dorm. My last two years of school I had a kitchen and no meal plan, so I had to learn some life skills as well. I was much better in the classroom than the kitchen though.

 

[brockash]

I paid most of it, however we plan to pay for our kids. I just think it's kinda setting them up for failure and teaching an example opposite of what we generally do as far as spending money, taking out loans etc. I know many people can't afford to, and you never know, we may end up in a position one day that we are not able to keep saving and putting away money for them for college, but if we are fortunate enough to afford it, then we'll absolutely be paying for it (with the strict understanding that we will only be paying for the classes needed for whatever BA they choose only once, and they must get a C or better in all classes etc.) I'm all for helping them and getting them on their feet, but I won't just waste my money.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

As I have experienced both I can tell you that save for the fact one isn't living at home, they aren't at all similar.

Unless you went to boarding school from the age of 8 until you graduated from high school.

Dawn

 

[DawnM]

Then your experience was far different than mine.

As I have experienced both I can tell you that save for the fact one isn't living at home, they aren't at all similar.

 

[Schmoodle]

OP, the answer to your question depends on a family's financial situation and values. For us, I feel like college is one of the things I want to give my kids to help them get a solid start in life. Education is very important to us and has given my family the life we are lucky to lead and enabled me to be able to give that same opportunity to my kids. I don't like the thought of them starting out with lots of debt from college. I have close friends who have told their kids that they are responsible for paying for their own undergraduate degree (two are in college now). This is not based on their financial situation but purely on their values. I feel badly for those kids, as they are very smart and hard workers. But on the other hand, there is a benefit to not being handed everything! I have no doubt they will go on to great things. My college roommate, who is still a close friend, had to pay for her own education, which she did through working/saving, and government grants. Her mother was the sole support of 4 kids and no way could afford to pay for her. She managed, but that was 30 years ago. With the cost of college now, I don't see how any young person could get through college without help.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

You either had an overly liberal boarding school or a ridiculously restrictive college dorm experience. I don't recall having to gain permission from my parents to wander off my college campus whenever I wished to do so...

Then your experience was far different than mine.

 

[DawnM]

No on both accounts.

You either had an overly liberal boarding school or a ridiculously restrictive college dorm experience. I don't recall having to gain permission from my parents to wander off my college campus whenever I wished to do so...

 

[DawnM]

You do what works best for your kids and your family.

It will be different for every family.

I certainly will not argue that our way is the only way, but I will not sit back and be told my way is wrong and I must do it the way another decides for me.

Dawn

If you can afford it, dorm life has it pluses.

But if you can't afford it, and you don't want to finance the dorm room through loans, then I just wanted to say that from what I am seeing with my twins, it is possible to commute and still make friends and be a part of the college life and have a really good college experience!

With so many things, it is all about money. Just like so many kids have their own car. We can't afford that. We bought one extra car and my twins have to share. I am sure it is a great experience to have your own car. But we can't afford it.

So I think it is great for those of you who can pay for all of this for your kids. If I could I would. If I won the lottery today, my girls would be in the dorms next semester! (won't happen though because I don't buy lottery tickets).

 

[disneyfan2kids]

...
But I do agree with you that, if it is financially viable, living in a dorm gives the student the best shot at success in college. ...

I haven't read this whole thread - but had to comment that MY experience varies DRASTICALLY from this statement.

I have experience with coaching HS teenagers for 20+ years (and in turn watching them go off to college). I base my thoughts on overwhelming evidence for the situations I've watched happened (as well as my own familys experience.)

I've found that what I've seen is that living at home and/or commuting to college has shown that they have a better shot at success at college. I've seen WAY too many HS kids "party" their way thru a year or 2 of college and then drop out/fail out. In almost every single case...the student was living in the dorm and couldn't separate "fun" time vs. "school" time. However, in cases where the student was commuting and at home...they typically understood that school was for learning...and was separate from their "social" life. In the large majority of cases (again - only from what I HAVE SEEN) the % of people I watched not make it thru school were largely the "dorm" kids. (And I watched their parents throw away tens of thousands of dollars to allow their kid to party....so sad.) The majority of kids that stayed home for school...did really well...because school was simply that... "school."

NOW - before everyone jumps on this...I'm speaking from what I've seen... I do NOT believe that every college kid in a dorm is drinking their college years away. I'm simply speaking for what I've seen transpire over the past 20 years...with the kids I've known.

Edited to add: Of the 5 sbilings in my family...the only one who didn't finish school was the one that lived AT school. He sure had fun and talks about that year and half of college fondly...but never finished. Don't get me wrong...I had MORE than my fair share of fun in college...I even got beach homes with my friends each summer in order to "live away" from my mom and be independent. BUT - school was school...I was paying ALOT for school...and it was to get a degree regardless of what was happening on campus on the weekends. YMMV.

 

[MrsPete]

I haven't read this whole thread - but had to comment that MY experience varies DRASTICALLY from this statement.

This may've been your experience, but your experience is drastically different from the norm. Most people who live in dorms do not spend all their time drinking and do not drop of out school. This is rehashing this whole thread, but studies do show that students who at least start out in dorms are more likely to go on to graduate from college. That's why so many colleges require students to live on campus for at least a year.

Yes, clearly these studies are somewhat flawed in that 1) colleges who participate in these studies may not be completelyl unbiased in their methodology, and 2) students who can live in dorms come from middle and upper-class families, and those students are more likely to arrive prepared for college and are more likely to graduate anyway. But that doesn't negate that numerous studies have shown that for most students, dorms make for a good start.

 

[ssawka]

I've found that what I've seen is that living at home and/or commuting to college has shown that they have a better shot at success at college. I've seen WAY too many HS kids "party" their way thru a year or 2 of college and then drop out/fail out. In almost every single case...the student was living in the dorm and couldn't separate "fun" time vs. "school" time. However, in cases where the student was commuting and at home...they typically understood that school was for learning...and was separate from their "social" life. In the large majority of cases (again - only from what I HAVE SEEN) the % of people I watched not make it thru school were largely the "dorm" kids. (And I watched their parents throw away tens of thousands of dollars to allow their kid to party....so sad.) The majority of kids that stayed home for school...did really well...because school was simply that... "school."

Having seen this happen to many students at the large university that I attended, I noticed a common trait. Generally speaking, the students that partied too much and failed out usually had extremely strict and controlling parents. They were not given any freedom during their high school years and when they went away to college and were away from their parents, they went crazy.

 

[disneyfan2kids]

Having seen this happen to many students at the large university that I attended, I noticed a common trait. Generally speaking, the students that partied too much and failed out usually had extremely strict and controlling parents. They were not given any freedom during their high school years and when they went away to college and were away from their parents, they went crazy.

Very good point... I bet that contributes!

 

[disykat]

Having seen this happen to many students at the large university that I attended, I noticed a common trait. Generally speaking, the students that partied too much and failed out usually had extremely strict and controlling parents. They were not given any freedom during their high school years and when they went away to college and were away from their parents, they went crazy.

Interesting. I've seen something opposite. Kids whose parents expect them to party often end up doing it.

I think both extremes probably encourage that behavior.

 

[westjones]

Interesting. I've seen something opposite. Kids whose parents expect them to party often end up doing it.

I think both extremes probably encourage that behavior.

I have seen this also.