College tuition bombshell & budget buster..need opinions

[wdwfan16]

Nope, didn't know he was applying. He doesn't live with us and this isn't the first time that such a thing was "sprung" upon us - as in, everything is taken care of and he's already accepted, we'll just let you know after the fact. After 11 years of this, I've given up arguing about it.

The difficulty is that in order to afford this on an on-going basis, I will have to take a larger student loan debt myself and use this money to pay for his school - if I had $3000 sitting in the bank that wasn't already earmarked for living expenses over the next several months, I would give it to him without hesitation. Using my loan money isn't an impossibility, but not my ideal situation either.

If it was your DD would you take out the extra loans to pay for her or tell her your SOL? I am sure I already know the answer. You did not put away 1 penny in 11 years for hims?

Also you say your income will be 4x or 5x larger in just a year. That $3K extra should be a cake walk to pay at that time.

 

[seashoreCM]

Play a game of "who will blink first" with the school.

Don't pay for his tuition, have him go to the school to see what kind of resolution can be had. Your only pressure (if needed) on the school is if it rescinds his admission requiring re-application and possible non-re-admission all the while you maintain a front of not having money.

The solution can well be a deferred matriculation while he spends a year earning some money.

 

[Skatermom23]

I would pay the small amount he is asking for. He secured around 10K to go to school and that is no small task these days. I know you said he wasn't working but he must have been putting some effort into his school work and applications etc. To me that is showing initiative. My guess is that he is already planning on taking the Stafford loan for his extra share.

 

[ShannonMB]

Pay for his tuition. $3K is not a huge amount. You should be glad that you DH does not have to pay the entire amount. I know guys whose divorce decree said they had to pay 100% of the tuition for the kids at the college of the kid's choice.

Take out an extra $3K in loans for your college and then pay it for his college.

If it was your DD would you take out the extra loans to pay for her or tell her your SOL? I am sure I already know the answer. You did not put away 1 penny in 11 years for hims?

Also you say your income will be 4x or 5x larger in just a year. That $3K extra should be a cake walk to pay at that time.

So then are you guys opposed to his taking out subsidized loans and having OP and her husband pay them IF/WHEN he graduates? I understand the idea of helping your kid with his education, but I don't see a downside here. He's the one who changed the game plan with no input from his dad.

I LOVE the idea of making paying the loan contingent upon graduation. And I think that's extremely generous! Obviously the kid has NO financial stake in his arbitrary decision to go to a more expensive private school, and I know from experience that having that can be a key to success. Lots of kids these days think money grows on trees, and they have no concept of their parents' financial situation. Maybe it's time for him to realize that it takes lots of hard work to get where you want to be in life -- I could be wrong, but it sounds like the concept of hard work hasn't hit home with him yet.

Best of luck to all of you, and don't let ANYTHING get in the way of finishing YOUR schooling! You are doing this to give ALL of you a better life!

 

[crisi]

I'd have him take out the loan. You planned at the level you were communicated to and made your priorities based on that. And it doesn't sound like he's done much planning either, since he hasn't held a job. Tell him that if he is successful, you'll be happy to pay more when you are out of school yourself next year (and maybe pay off this loan), but right now, private school isn't in the budget for you either.

 

[wdwfan16]

So then are you guys opposed to his taking out subsidized loans and having OP and her husband pay them IF/WHEN he graduates? I understand the idea of helping your kid with his education, but I don't see a downside here. He's the one who changed the game plan with no input from his dad.

I LOVE the idea of making paying the loan contingent upon graduation. And I think that's extremely generous! Obviously the kid has NO financial stake in his arbitrary decision to go to a more expensive private school, and I know from experience that having that can be a key to success. Lots of kids these days think money grows on trees, and they have no concept of their parents' financial situation. Maybe it's time for him to realize that it takes lots of hard work to get where you want to be in life -- I could be wrong, but it sounds like the concept of hard work hasn't hit home with him yet.

Best of luck to all of you, and don't let ANYTHING get in the way of finishing YOUR schooling! You are doing this to give ALL of you a better life!

I am not sure who the guys are. Both posts were mine. I would be fine with that IF that is the deal for the DD (her bio child) too.

 

[punkin]

I really think we're going to encourage him to take the small subsidized loan and then we will either pay it off next year when I graduate or in 4 (hopefully) years when he graduates. I want him to enjoy this time in his life in terms of high school graduation and preparing for college and I don't want him stressed out and I think that might be the solution that keeps us all sane for now.

If he has a subsidized loan available, have him take it and then you can repay it after he graduates (before the interest starts to accrue).

It's a 4-year interest free loan.

ETA: I would not make it contingent on him graduating though. I would pay it off regardless because I think your DH should pay for the education, you are just having a temporary cash flow issue because of DSS's poor planning, but in my mind it is still your responsibility.

 

[tommya60]

Did anyone ask when the school needs the money? Can it be paid monthly--likely about $300 a month for the school year? Is your husband continuing his child support payments, paying direct to son for living expenses or could that money go towards the college expenses? Securing a $10,000 scholarship is no small accomplishment, but the fact that two family members will be attending can change the FASFA forms, did you or your husband give him information for the FASFA? Did you contact your school and let them know the change in circumstances--it never hurts to ask if help is avaliable!

 

[msmayor]

Did anyone ask when the school needs the money? Can it be paid monthly--likely about $300 a month for the school year? Is your husband continuing his child support payments, paying direct to son for living expenses or could that money go towards the college expenses? Securing a $10,000 scholarship is no small accomplishment, but the fact that two family members will be attending can change the FASFA forms, did you or your husband give him information for the FASFA? Did you contact your school and let them know the change in circumstances--it never hurts to ask if help is avaliable!

OP indicated that the son does not live with them. FAFSA only considers the household income and status of the custodial parent, so the OP and her husband's situation is not relevant for FAFSA purposes.

 

[lorac4disney]

My stepdaughter tried to spring something like this on us when she was graduating high school. She had it all figured out. In her mind, since we were no longer paying her mother child support, we "owed" her that money each month for spending money, plus she "needed" us to buy her another car because the one she had just wasn't good enough anymore and she expected us to cover the cost of her tuition and books.

I was flabbergasted and outraged. As much as I was willing to HELP (with help implying that she was contributing as well), I was not willing to foot the entire bill nor any portion of it with that attitude. My stepdaughter got a rude awakening and an introduction to the real world.

I agree with the other posters who said to have him take out student loans for the amount he is short. If and only if he graduates, you agree to repay the loan for him. Otherwise, it should be on his dime if he drops out or doesn't finish. There are also work study programs which he could sign up for where he can work for the university in exchange for part of his expenses.

For me, part of going to college was learning to take responsibility for yourself and your own expenses. The phrase "broke college student" comes to mind. I agree that he needs to share in some of the expense even if that means he needs to get a summer job to cover the payments until he can get a student loan.

 

[ajh88]

If it was your DD would you take out the extra loans to pay for her or tell her your SOL? I am sure I already know the answer. You did not put away 1 penny in 11 years for hims?

Also you say your income will be 4x or 5x larger in just a year. That $3K extra should be a cake walk to pay at that time.

The biggest difference for me is that DD will not be choosing a school that is out of our budget without us knowing about it going into the process. Honestly, if it were her, she would be getting a subsidized loan that we would agree to pay when she graduates assuming all other variables are equal (our income, etc.). IF she chose a school that we could afford to cover 100%, we would pay 100% with no loans (I'm not holding my breath for that one though) - just as we would have paid for his community college for the next 2 years at 100% with no loans.

And yes, that is my point - if we were a year in the future, $3K is not a problem at all - but the school won't let him go for free for a year. From this point moving forward (from now until I graduate), $3K represents about 20% of our yearly income.

As for savings (a different PP) - yes, we *had* savings, but over the past few years it has dwindled. I've tried to keep as much as possible because I knew this last year was going to be rough. I am the primary wage-earner, which means that I have paid for DSS throughout the years - I'm not bitter, it was by choice - and we paid private school tuition for him all years except last year (he ended up in public school for his senior year).

My DD has gone without (and goes to public school) because we were on the hook for DSS's private education - so I guess the game of what I would do for DD doesn't play as much for me because from my perspective, she has sacrificed (without knowing it) for his education already.

Thanks to all for the perspectives - I knew I'd get a variety of opinions and experiences here!

 

[MrsPete]

Interesting situation -- lots of twists and turns.

A thought that hasn't been brought up yet: Where do you think he would be most successful next year? Do you think he belongs in community college or at the expensive private school? Do any other alternatives exist in between "very cheap" and "super expensive"?

My thoughts on the money: Although I am almost always very anti-loan, I think it's the right option in this situation. You're not 18 and you understand how that debt will affect your future (if you promise to repay it for him), and it's very realistic to think that your income is going to skyrocket in the near future. This is not a typical scenerio. I would sit down with him and look at what he might expect to earn after graduation and let him see how the loan will affect his future -- if he's responsible for paying it himself.

Other people have given you good advice: Have him take out a loan, and you promise to pay it back once he's graduated. OR since I see that you have a daugther who'll need a college education in a few years, it might be fair to tell him that you'll pay X amount upon graduation (could be half, could be whatever you feel is fair and reasonable for your finances).

About his lack of interest in working: I wouldn't give him a single dollar of spending money for college. A college student who has a dorm room and a meal plan isn't going to go without anything necessary. Let him figure out how to get money for the laundry, pizza, gas, etc. If he's smart enough to get into college, he's smart enough to do this, and it may well be the kindest thing you ever do for him.

HOWEVER, still on the topic of the need for a job, I would give him plenty of support in looking for a job. My high school seniors tend to fall into two categories in the "looking for a job" thing. Half of them go out and find a job -- they just seem to instinctively know how to do it -- and they're fine. The other half go to the mall with a friend, pick up applications here and there, return them, and sit back waiting for a call. They don't grasp that that's not enough. If he needs help locating a job, I'd absolutely help him go through the steps to obtain employment.

I would make the offer of help contingent upon a couple things:
- He graduates in four years; if he doesn't do it in four years, the later years are on his own.
- He earns whatever grades you deem appropriate (all As and Bs, or whatever).
- He works every summer, all summer and saves the lion's share of his earnings for school . . . starting NOW.

Finally, I don't think you're putting your own education ahead of his. Finishing this degree helps everyone in the family. Of course, everything I've said is with the assumption that pharmacy jobs are available and you'll be working shortly after graduation.

 

[mjkacmom]

ITA. It's obviously time your stepson learned a dose of reality: that money doesn't grow on trees and his decisions or lack of preparation hurt other people. I truly think coughing up the money at this point is setting a bad example of what he can get away with. Great, he wants to go to an expensive private school rather than a community college or state school..

Expensive private school! I know people who are paying $40,000 a year for college. He found a very inexpensive private school, got scholarship money, and is only asking his dad and stepmom for $3000, and paying $3000 himself. I would be overjoyed if I only had to pay $3000 a year for my child's college education.

I do like the idea of having him take out a loan, and offering to pay it if he gets his degree. I also don't think parents have to pay 100% for college, but should pay something. We only have about $12,000 saved for each child (will have more by the time they graduate HS), and hope they get some scholarships.

 

[StephMK]

What did he get the scholarship for? What program does he want to study there - what was the reason for choosing this school? I think only asking for $3k is a great bargain & I agree w/the posters to tell him to get the loan but you will be responsible for paying it back.

He must be doing some things right if he was able to secure a significant scholarship & possible grant. What are his academics & activities like? I know I could write that my DD has no interest in a job but if I told you her schedule, there is little chance an employer would work around her commitments. I've told her that her "job" is to keep her grades up & do well at her activities. That will hopefully pay off in scholarships that would total far more than a PT job.

I think you could definitely explain that if he wants your help, he should keep you in the loop but I don't think asking his dad to contribute $3k to his education is unreasonable at all. Best wishes to both of you in school!

 

[dzorn]

If he has a subsidized loan available, have him take it and then you can repay it after he graduates (before the interest starts to accrue).

It's a 4-year interest free loan.

ETA: I would not make it contingent on him graduating though. I would pay it off regardless because I think your DH should pay for the education, you are just having a temporary cash flow issue because of DSS's poor planning, but in my mind it is still your responsibility.

And if he does not graduate and fails some classes why should his parents or step parents pay for that.

I would have him take out the loan for what he needs. Let him know you will cover 1/3 of the load provided he has gotten good grades.

I would suggest a job to start saving up.

I would let him be know he is responsible for a 1/3 of the loan (I am assuming it would be for the total cost including what other parent was not able to contribute) , without good grades he would be 100% responsible. I would also plan on paying more than that 1/3 without his knowledge and see how he does.

If he matures and shows responsibility with graduation I would pay more than the 1/3 and all if I could afford it.

Denise in MI

 

[dzorn]

If he has a subsidized loan available, have him take it and then you can repay it after he graduates (before the interest starts to accrue).

It's a 4-year interest free loan.

ETA: I would not make it contingent on him graduating though. I would pay it off regardless because I think your DH should pay for the education, you are just having a temporary cash flow issue because of DSS's poor planning, but in my mind it is still your responsibility.

Yes it was some poor planning by his parent but it is not the step parents responsibity.

Having a step parent pay for college wonderful if they can afford it but it is not their responsibility. It is his parents decision if they want to be responsibl e for it or not.

DD both know we are saving for college for them, but they also know they will not see a penny of it if they cannot be responsible people.

Denise in MI

 

[arihillfarm]

5) Would it be incredibly insensitive/bad/wrong of me to suggest he get a small, subsidized Stafford loan to cover "our" $3000 portion this first year?

No, not at all and I was going to suggest this very thing. You should explain to him the situation with your finances and if I were in this position, I would let him know that we would pay off his loan upon graduation as a gift to him.

-Astrid

 

[dzorn]

The biggest difference for me is that DD will not be choosing a school that is out of our budget without us knowing about it going into the process. Honestly, if it were her, she would be getting a subsidized loan that we would agree to pay when she graduates assuming all other variables are equal (our income, etc.). IF she chose a school that we could afford to cover 100%, we would pay 100% with no loans (I'm not holding my breath for that one though) - just as we would have paid for his community college for the next 2 years at 100% with no loans.

And yes, that is my point - if we were a year in the future, $3K is not a problem at all - but the school won't let him go for free for a year. From this point moving forward (from now until I graduate), $3K represents about 20% of our yearly income.

As for savings (a different PP) - yes, we *had* savings, but over the past few years it has dwindled. I've tried to keep as much as possible because I knew this last year was going to be rough. I am the primary wage-earner, which means that I have paid for DSS throughout the years - I'm not bitter, it was by choice - and we paid private school tuition for him all years except last year (he ended up in public school for his senior year).

My DD has gone without (and goes to public school) because we were on the hook for DSS's private education - so I guess the game of what I would do for DD doesn't play as much for me because from my perspective, she has sacrificed (without knowing it) for his education already.

Thanks to all for the perspectives - I knew I'd get a variety of opinions and experiences here!

Just be thankful the end of you schooling is in site.

If you have been paying private tuition for him for an number of years you have already contributed to him getting the scholarships he has and would let him get the loan.

If you have taken out student loans don't underestimate how much those will cost.

Denise in MI

 

[crisi]

Expensive private school! I know people who are paying $40,000 a year for college. He found a very inexpensive private school, got scholarship money, and is only asking his dad and stepmom for $3000, and paying $3000 himself. I would be overjoyed if I only had to pay $3000 a year for my child's college education.

I do like the idea of having him take out a loan, and offering to pay it if he gets his degree. I also don't think parents have to pay 100% for college, but should pay something. We only have about $12,000 saved for each child (will have more by the time they graduate HS), and hope they get some scholarships.

But its still $3k more than they have, or have planned for. And its a significant chunk of their income next year.

This is a situation where someone needs to take out a loan, or he needs to find the money somewhere else, or he needs to postpone school or go on his original plan. Her responsibility - as a non-custodial step parent, is only to provide input on whether the first is possible for their family.

Since DSS applied not only for the school on his own, but the scholarship on his own (all which does show some motivation), he was planning this for some amount of time without ever saying "hey Dad and StepMom, there is this opportunity.....and I'm not sure if its going to work but if it does, I might need some help." Had he done that last fall, I think I'd be saying they should figure out a way to pay, even if that means its their loan.

 

[horseshowmom]

Regarding a question asked my another poster, it would seem that the OP has been working a substantial amount of hours as she worked her way through school. I happen to have a daughter who will also be starting on pharmacy school rotations, and I am amazed at the number of hours the OP has been working while in school. I can also understand why she would be a little perplexed by a child who has made no effort to work when she has been working so hard.

OP, I totally get your situation. Quite honestly, if it were your own daughter, you would probably tell her to go to community college at least for the first year until your finances stabilize. However, because it is your stepson, your situation isn't as simple (even though a couple of posters are trying to act like you're trying to shortchange him because he isn't your biological son).

If it were me, I would feel the same way you do, but I would agree to pay the $3000 as long as he took it out in a loan and successfully completed his classes for the year. I don't see a thing wrong with that.