College tuition bombshell & budget buster..need opinions

[clutter]

I'm just disgusted right now because we spoke with him and he basically told us he didn't even know how much the school cost when he decided he would go there. That seems nuts to me.

I really think we're going to encourage him to take the small subsidized loan and then we will either pay it off next year when I graduate or in 4 (hopefully) years when he graduates. I want him to enjoy this time in his life in terms of high school graduation and preparing for college and I don't want him stressed out and I think that might be the solution that keeps us all sane for now.

I think this is a good plan.

HOWEVER, I think you and DH need to have a serious sit-down with him.

Where does he think he's going to get the money to grab a burger with his friends? Buy some ice cream? Supplies? Snacks for the room? Toiletries?

I'm thinking the $6000 he's short now is for tuition/room/board. Not books or fun. He probably needs more than he knows about right now, so he's got the summer to earn it.

 

[punkin]

Yes it was some poor planning by his parent but it is not the step parents responsibity.

Having a step parent pay for college wonderful if they can afford it but it is not their responsibility. It is his parents decision if they want to be responsibl e for it or not.

DD both know we are saving for college for them, but they also know they will not see a penny of it if they cannot be responsible people.

Denise in MI

This is true, but how do you separate the step-mother's money from the father's?

On a side note, why is this child not "responsible?" He secured a large scholarship for himself. Believe me that is not so easy.

 

[wdwfan16]

The biggest difference for me is that DD will not be choosing a school that is out of our budget without us knowing about it going into the process. Honestly, if it were her, she would be getting a subsidized loan that we would agree to pay when she graduates assuming all other variables are equal (our income, etc.). IF she chose a school that we could afford to cover 100%, we would pay 100% with no loans (I'm not holding my breath for that one though) - just as we would have paid for his community college for the next 2 years at 100% with no loans.

And yes, that is my point - if we were a year in the future, $3K is not a problem at all - but the school won't let him go for free for a year. From this point moving forward (from now until I graduate), $3K represents about 20% of our yearly income.

As for savings (a different PP) - yes, we *had* savings, but over the past few years it has dwindled. I've tried to keep as much as possible because I knew this last year was going to be rough. I am the primary wage-earner, which means that I have paid for DSS throughout the years - I'm not bitter, it was by choice - and we paid private school tuition for him all years except last year (he ended up in public school for his senior year).

My DD has gone without (and goes to public school) because we were on the hook for DSS's private education - so I guess the game of what I would do for DD doesn't play as much for me because from my perspective, she has sacrificed (without knowing it) for his education already.

Thanks to all for the perspectives - I knew I'd get a variety of opinions and experiences here!

Your DH is 39 and his is not contributing to the family income?

 

[sk!mom]

I'm impressed with an 18 year old who has shown the initiative to get everything worked out and down to the last $6000.

DH and I would pay our half without question. In your situation with money that tight, my DH would find a parttime job. $3000 should be pretty easy to earn. I have a friend in a situation similar to yours and her DH delivers pizza three nights a week to make the extra they need.

Once the school is taken care of, I would tell your stepson that he will be resposible for spending money through a Summer or part time school year job.

BTW, what does your DH say about this situation?

 

[horseshowmom]

Your DH is 39 and his is not contributing to the family income?

She said primary not only.

 

[mjkacmom]

But its still $3k more than they have, or have planned for. And its a significant chunk of their income next year.

This is a situation where someone needs to take out a loan, or he needs to find the money somewhere else, or he needs to postpone school or go on his original plan. Her responsibility - as a non-custodial step parent, is only to provide input on whether the first is possible for their family.

Since DSS applied not only for the school on his own, but the scholarship on his own (all which does show some motivation), he was planning this for some amount of time without ever saying "hey Dad and StepMom, there is this opportunity.....and I'm not sure if its going to work but if it does, I might need some help." Had he done that last fall, I think I'd be saying they should figure out a way to pay, even if that means its their loan.

Which I why I suggested a loan that the parents can pay back when he graduates. I was just surprised that anyone would think $3000 is considered expensive when it comes to college. Community college here costs $4000 a year in district, $8000 out of district.

 

[wdwfan16]

She said primary not only.

How much could that be? They make ~15K a year and she works 30 hours per week. If she gets minimum wage she is bringing in ~11K. If the DH got another job he could pay the $3K out of that money.

 

[wdwfan16]

Which I why I suggested a loan that the parents can pay back when he graduates. I was just surprised that anyone would think $3000 is considered expensive when it comes to college. Community college here costs $4000 a year in district, $8000 out of district.

I don't know what their CC costs but you make a great point. The OP was willing to foot the entire bill for CC and that could be more than $3K.

 

[deerhart]

I would offer the same amount you were planning to pay for him to go to CC.

BTW what is Mom contributing of the $6k and what is the son contributing?

My freshman year of college, I had a $5k deficit (after my student loans). I had made almost $2300 from working my senior year and summer that I plunked down and my parents took out a $2500 parent plus loan. That was ALL my parents could afford to pay for my entire schooling (though they would send me spending money if I needed it). I also worked 15-20 hours per week through work study and had saved enough up by the next summer to purchase a computer for me.

My school wasn't cheap. We are talking $22k tuition and at least 5k room and board and that was over 15 years ago that I started (its now in the $32-$35k range, but if I went now, I would have had NO student loans as the school would have footed everything through their endowment)

 

[horseshowmom]

I don't know what their CC costs but you make a great point. The OP was willing to foot the entire bill for CC and that could be more than $3K.

I guess the cost must vary greatly across the country because ours doesn't cost anywhere near that much. Of course, I'm only talking about tuition not room and board.

 

[crisi]

Which I why I suggested a loan that the parents can pay back when he graduates. I was just surprised that anyone would think $3000 is considered expensive when it comes to college. Community college here costs $4000 a year in district, $8000 out of district.

Sorry, I realized you did and was agreeing with you, but in that run on sort of way that wasn't clear. I even thought "I should go back, that sounds like I disagree" - and the WORK actually got in the way of the DIS.....

 

[suedaisy]

My humble suggestion-

Whatever you decide to cover for him, do the same (knowing that the dollar will change over time) for your other children, especially when step children are involved...

 

[NotUrsula]

Whatever else you do, OP, DON'T take out an educational loan for yourself and use it to pay his tuition. Technically, that's fraud, and if your lender found out about it, they could call your loan.

If anyone gets an educational loan to cover his tuition, it should be him.
I think he deserves some credit for managing to gather up as much aid as he has, but if you don't have the money right now, then you just don't have it. (He probably has no idea how much money your family actually earns at this time.)

 

[dzorn]

This is true, but how do you separate the step-mother's money from the father's?

On a side note, why is this child not "responsible?" He secured a large scholarship for himself. Believe me that is not so easy.

Yes but don't plan on spending money you do not have. That is not responsible.

I would also suspect that he has not realized how much extras will cost: laundry, books, and a social life. He made the decision without the input of his father then he should not expect his father to pay the bill.

The responsible thing to do is look at all your options and say

"Dad how much can I count on you and step mom to contribute so I can figure out what my college options are?"

I would expect my child do this so I would expect the same from a step child.

Denise in MI

 

[Skatermom23]

I would guess your stepson has received his statement of costs. Since the school costs around $17,000, I would suspect that his "total costs" are estimated at ~$21k. They include books and personal expenses in this number. If he got a loan of $10K and he was probably offered a Stafford subsidized loan of $3500 and an unsubsidized loan of $2000, which leaves him around ~$5500 short. My guess is he is already planning on "using" that Stafford option, but still needs your help for the rest. I suggest a good long talk is due.

 

[pipermae]

I'm probably going to flamed for this, but here's my opinion:

Firstly, congrats to the OP for almost being done with your own schooling!

I honestly don't think you're under any obligation to pay for your SS's schooling. There are many universities out there where you can get a quality education for much less than $17,000 a year. To claim he didn't know how much the school was until after he had been accepted shows a lack of planning and responsibility. Honestly, that should have been one of the first things he looked in to when he considered this school a top contender. That also should have been something discussed long before he actually applied for the school - especially if the original plan was to attend a community college first (a cheaper way to get Gen Ed classes out of the way).

I think the way he handled it ("It's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission" kind of attitude) is a less than adult way to handle this situation.

Will he be commuting, or is this living on campus? What will he do for book money? Food? And obviously he'll want to keep up some social aspect of his live, where will the money come from for those things? What about bills? Sounds like someone needs a job.

Speaking as a broke college student with several jobs, my parents only foot any bills when an emergency or unplanned event happens (like I owed taxes because a camp I worked last summer didn't take any out and filed me as self-employed) but they do not chip in for tuition, normal bills (cc, car insurance, cell phone), my car (paid in full by myself), books, etc. In fact, because they offer me a rent free place to live (I commute the 45 min. to school) I contribute to the house when I can (groceries, I allow the family to share my Netflix plan, etc.). And it's taught me responsibility with my money.

If you still feel the need to pay the $3k your SS has surprised you with, I agree with other PPs. Explain to him that you currently do not have the finances to help him due to your schooling (which, being that close to being done should not have to be put on hold) and have him take out a loan. IF he graduates, pay that loan off. IF he decides to drop out, or he fails out, let him know that the loan will then be his responsibility. And, as another PP said, whatever you do for SS, be prepared to do the same for your other children.

Now, good luck with your final year of Pharmacy school!

 

[allison443]

How much could that be? They make ~15K a year and she works 30 hours per week. If she gets minimum wage she is bringing in ~11K. If the DH got another job he could pay the $3K out of that money.

I think there must be a back story here...OP stated $3000 is 20% of their income till she finishes school so she, her dh and dd are living on $15K? I don't get it either. Maybe dh is out of work?

I also wonder what the dh says about this..I don't think we've heard that yet.

Wasn't there any sort of discussion about college costs a few years ago? Especially with OP herself going back to school, figuring out the costs, financial aid, applications, etc. didn't it dawn on OP or her husband to say, gee, stepson is almost college age. What are we going to do about it? Or were you just looking at it as child support was ending, and you wouldn't have to pay anything further? It sounds like a lack of communication all around...did you ever sit the kid down and ask what he wanted to do, where he applied, how much you could help if at all, how much his mom would pay if at all, etc.

I agree with those who said $17K no longer qualifies as an "expensive private college". Yes, it's more expensive than community college, but for a private college that is very CHEAP tuition!! Many colleges (with room and board) are over $50K, and tuition alone is over $30K.

OP for my dd's college tuition we have a payment plan that the college offers, it is adminstered by an outside company. We make three payments over the course of the year but I think some schools also offer monthly payments. Maybe that is something that could be worked out.
Otherwise I think the Stafford loan is the best idea.

 

[allison443]

I don't know what their CC costs but you make a great point. The OP was willing to foot the entire bill for CC and that could be more than $3K.

Actually OP said in her first post that she was planning to give him a few hundred in August and a few hundred in January to "help" him with tuition and books. She said they expected to contribute $500 to $1000 for the year. I didn't get the impression that was the total cost, though.

 

[eliza61]

Some non monetary issues I think should be addressed. I apologize if these have been asked before.

- it sounds like you have some small resentment. Why? I mean I have kids and the only thing I expect is the unexpected.
- Why did he change his mind about community college? You admit that he's a great kid so he may have an extremely good reason for now wanting to go to a 4 year school.
- Can your dh and his mother come up with a plan?
-why can't he work? has anyone talked to him about getting a job. You say he is a responsible teen so I think if he is mature enough he will understand the financial situation. I've never understood why people don't talk finances with their teens.
Have you and your dh sat down with him and a piece of paper and pencil?
Show him the numbers and viable solutions.

 

[bunny]

Not to be negative, but have you actually seen the paperwork to prove that he needs this money? He may just be saying that to get you to fork over the $3,000. It doesn't seem like he involves you in his decision making and then expects you to give him money with no input. I am a stepmom so believe me I know how that is. Figure out how much you can give him. Offer him that at least for this year and tell him you will revisit it next year after you graduate. He can get a part time job to come up with the rest of the money. Another alternative would be to have his mom pay for the first two years and your husband pay for the last two.

As far as the OP's daughter goes, it is her and her husband's responsiblity the same as it is her husband's and his ex's responsiblity for her stepson. The OP is not responsible. If dad is unemployed and stepmom is a housewife, the kid may be out of luck. I always see on these boards how stepparents should butt out. But when money is involved, they are always criticized for not paying up. Her stepson should not have the same advantages as her daughter if neither of his biological parents can afford them. In the OP's case, her stepson is going to private school while her daughter goes to public school. Where is the outrage over that?