College tuition bombshell & budget buster..need opinions

[ajh88]

My stepson is 18 and will be graduating in a couple of weeks. We are very proud of him in most aspects - he's an overall great kid, he's intelligent, kind, and thougtful (well, pretty much so, as far as 18 year old boys go).

A little background: I am preparing to start my 4th and final year of pharmacy school. This year is all clinical rotations - meaning I'll be spending 40 hours a week in "on the job" type training, only NOT getting paid (actually, I'm paying the school on obscene amount of money for these opportunities). This means I will not be working as much (right now, I work about 30 hours a week while in school full time) and we have been preparing for a lean year. When I graduate, I fully anticipate an increase in our income of at least 4 fold and possibly close to 5 fold over what we make now - it's just that it is still a year away.

OK, so up until about 3 months ago, DSS was planning on attending community college for 2 years because he wasn't really sure what he wanted to pursue. I was thinking that was great because we could swing a few hundred dollars in August and January to help with tuition and books (and once he transferred, I would be out of school and better able to help him financially). Well, he has since decided to enroll in a private 4 year university to the tune of $17000 a year (not as bad as it could be, but still surprising to us!).

He has secured a scholarship and has applied for another grant, but as of now, his shortfall is over $6000. He has asked us to pay half (which I suppose is fair enough), with the first payment of $259 due on May 24th!! My May budget definitely does NOT include an extra $259 right now.

I need some impartial opinions because I feel a little emotional about this and I'm not sure if I'm being entirely fair. Here are some of the things I've considered:

1) I'm really putting my own education ahead of his - is this fair of me to do right now? Me not finishing school right now is NOT an option!

2) I know that my parents would have done this for me in a second - I got a full scholarship to undergrad so it was never an issue - but this makes me feel guilty (and selfish) for not being gung-ho about shelling out money we don't have right now. I will also say that I worked all throughout college - I had one job for all 4 years and a 2nd job for my last year and a half. I know he isn't me, but I also know how hard I worked when I was in school.

3) Yes, I've known college was coming for awhile - but as I said, we were prepared for about $500 to $1000 based on the community college he was considering - NOT $3000+.

4) I'm a little bitter because DSS has shown NO INTEREST in getting or keeping a job. He had one fast food job about 2 years ago and it lasted about 2-3 months. I know the job market isn't great at the moment, but it seems like he isn't even trying. I feel like if he wants to go to a school that costs this amount, he should be prepared to contribute to it - like instead of splitting $6000 in half, it should be split 3 ways, with him contributing through a part-time job for his portion. Is this completely insane of me to think?

5) Would it be incredibly insensitive/bad/wrong of me to suggest he get a small, subsidized Stafford loan to cover "our" $3000 portion this first year?

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you. I just feel like I'm not being very objective and I guess there isn't really one right answer here. I'm perfectly willing to help him out, but basically in order to do that for this year, I will have to request an increase in my own student loan and use that money to cover his education. Once I'm out of school, the amount of money won't be as much of an issue (I won't pretend it won't matter at all, but it won't be as bad as it is right now).

Any insights are appreciated. Thanks!

 

[vicki_c]

I think I would pay the 1/2 - it actually seems like a pretty reasonable request. if you were willing to pay for the other school, I'm not sure I agree with him paying 2/3 that 1/3 was from him and 1/3 from his job -- where else is he going to get the money if not from a job?

But overall, I don't understand how it all happened without you being involved or talking about it ahead of time. You must have known he was applying to the more expensive school - that would have been the time to discuss what you could or couldn't afford to contribute, I would say vs. now when it's urgent.

If you really can't swing it, then that's what I would say - but it sounds like you might be able to somehow, just with difficulty (if I'm reading through your whole post correctly).

Different people have different ideas, so it's hard to say. Some families expect their kids to foot their whole college bill themselves, some do not. I was fortunate that my parents paid for everything and I didn't have to even have a job while going to school, so that colors my opinion as well.

 

[muscarello4]

My parents said, "You take out the loans for our portion and we'll pay it off when you graduate." It bought them a little time and it ensured that I would indeed graduate. The deal was....no degree, the loans become mine.

Tough, but it worked. I think there is nothing wrong with asking him to take out the loan. It seems like once you got your degree, you'd be better prepared to cough up the $3000. I think $3000 is a drop in the bucket.

 

[ajh88]

I think I would pay the 1/2 - it actually seems like a pretty reasonable request. if you were willing to pay for the other school, I'm not sure I agree with him paying 2/3 that 1/3 was from him and 1/3 from his job -- where else is he going to get the money if not from a job?

But overall, I don't understand how it all happened without you being involved or talking about it ahead of time. You must have known he was applying to the more expensive school - that would have been the time to discuss what you could or couldn't afford to contribute, I would say vs. now when it's urgent.

Nope, didn't know he was applying. He doesn't live with us and this isn't the first time that such a thing was "sprung" upon us - as in, everything is taken care of and he's already accepted, we'll just let you know after the fact. After 11 years of this, I've given up arguing about it.

The difficulty is that in order to afford this on an on-going basis, I will have to take a larger student loan debt myself and use this money to pay for his school - if I had $3000 sitting in the bank that wasn't already earmarked for living expenses over the next several months, I would give it to him without hesitation. Using my loan money isn't an impossibility, but not my ideal situation either.

 

[GoofyGolferGirl]

I would have him take out the loan, all the financial experts say the child should take out the loans because they have more time to repay it. Tell him you will help repay the loan when he graduates, this give you time to repay your loans and then help him. I like the pp no degree no help in repaying! You would be surprised how many students drop out their first year.

 

[clh2]

Many different thoughts come to mind...

I don't know how old you are, but you need to take care of you. You are "THIS" close to finishing up a tough program. It would be extremely difficult for you to do anything different than what you have planned. Plus - there just would be long term implications on every other aspect of your lives. KEEP GOING - you are almost done. Oh - and by the way - congrats!!!

2. I'm assuming that child support has been paid to your DSS's mother. What is happening to that amount of money? Will that still get paid PLUS DSS wanting more money? Or - have you already adjusted your budget for this?

3. The "kicker" for me would be that DSS is not working. Sorry- he should be "helping himself". Where is his spending money coming from? I can see that he is $6000 short. I can do the math...maybe 1/3 from his mom, 1/3 from you guys, and he can contribute 1/3 himself.

4. Maybe you can help him in his later college years, and let him know that. Next year is just going to be rough for you.

Offer to "do what you can do", but don't be guilted into doing more than you can afford.

Good Luck!!!

 

[dfchelbay]

Do either of his biological parents have an issue with his refusal to work. He should be at least trying to chip in. Maybe not 1/2...but something. If he's lazy about working, will he be lazy about going to classes, doing his homework, studying, etc...there is no parental figure to make sure he gets up in the morning, has his homework done, or is studying for exams, etc.

Is there any way to make a contract with him to pay back your portion, AFTER he proves himself, i.e. passing classes and getting a degree? If it were me, I would have a real problem with having 1/2 the financial responsibility with NONE of the say so in the decision making process.

The other bio parent has all of the information and has failed, refused and/or neglected to give it to you and your spouse...if he or she wants all the authority then he/she can have all the responsibility too. I really don't think it's fair to ask you to just come up with $6,000 when you have had no advanced warning of any of this. All your DSS is learning is that its perfectly alright to dump this on you, without any advanced warning and expect you to just deal with it...sorry that's not the right way to treat people. Perhaps, he should be on his own with this one for the first semester. DSS would not get away with this kind of business deal in the real world...so why should he with you. Maybe the parent DSS lives with could stand to learn a lesson about treating people too...maybe that parent should pay the entire bill for the first semester for withholding all the information from you and your spouse.

 

[msmayor]

It sounds to me like he made an adult decision on his own, WITHOUT any discussion with you, to choose a school you cannot afford.

Quite frankly, I would say "Gee, it would have been better if you had discussed this with us ahead of time so we could rework our budget to afford it, but unfortunately, you didn't. Your choice, your cost. We can only afford to give you what we'd planned: $500-1,000. You should be able to get YOURSELF a Stafford Loan for your freshman year of $5,500, and a job to cover whatever other expenses you will have. I'm sorry, but that's all we can do."

 

[Priorityonecb]

I like the idea of allowing him to get a student loan, and tell him you will pay your portion upon his graduation. I also definitely think it should be split three ways so he is contributing as he goes. We have a deal with our daughter, we pay for tuition and she pays for all books, supplies and her "wants" such as movies and fun with friends. She is working and going to school and seems to have a good grasp of her responsibilities in the matter.

 

[newsliner1]

i would go with the loan if it is subsidized you will not pay any interest until he is out of school. i believe that it is a very good incentive to do well in school if you are paying for it. it is great incentive to do well. you could pay off his loans when he graduates if you want when you will be in better financial shape.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Since you are not sure what to do, I am assuming that the divorce doesn't state your DH has to pay for 1/2 of college?

How does your DH feel, and what does he want to do? I mean if you can't afford it you can't. I do like the idea of having him get a loan and proving himself. If he passes you will pay it off, if he doesn't it is all his.

 

[vicki_c]

Nope, didn't know he was applying. He doesn't live with us and this isn't the first time that such a thing was "sprung" upon us - as in, everything is taken care of and he's already accepted, we'll just let you know after the fact. After 11 years of this, I've given up arguing about it.

The difficulty is that in order to afford this on an on-going basis, I will have to take a larger student loan debt myself and use this money to pay for his school - if I had $3000 sitting in the bank that wasn't already earmarked for living expenses over the next several months, I would give it to him without hesitation. Using my loan money isn't an impossibility, but not my ideal situation either.

I didn't understand that he didn't live with you - now I understand the situation better! In didn't even catch the "step" part of it the first time through.

 

[trip]

Does the child support stop when DSS graduates or is your DH supposed to pay part of college? (according to divorce decree if divorced)

 

[Ephany]

Honestly, since he sprung this on you with no notice I'd only give the portion already budgeted for and make him take a loan for the rest. IF he passes all his classes next year, then I'd consider paying off the loans for that year after you're financially more settled. This way the debt is his responsibility if he slacks off and fails, but you'll be contributing after he's proven himself so he won't be graduating with a large debt. I can't believe that he just expects you to contribute such a large amount with no input or notice.

 

[branv]

It sounds to me like he made an adult decision on his own, WITHOUT any discussion with you, to choose a school you cannot afford.

Quite frankly, I would say "Gee, it would have been better if you had discussed this with us ahead of time so we could rework our budget to afford it, but unfortunately, you didn't. Your choice, your cost. We can only afford to give you what we'd planned: $500-1,000. You should be able to get YOURSELF a Stafford Loan for your freshman year of $5,500, and a job to cover whatever other expenses you will have. I'm sorry, but that's all we can do."

ITA. It's obviously time your stepson learned a dose of reality: that money doesn't grow on trees and his decisions or lack of preparation hurt other people. I truly think coughing up the money at this point is setting a bad example of what he can get away with. Great, he wants to go to an expensive private school rather than a community college or state school. Good for him, then he needs to figure out how to get there. I'll bet all of a sudden he won't be so interested in this one school if he realizes he'll have to fund it himself or get a job. You definitely should not risk your financial security over something that is seemingly a whim on his part. I totally support providing children with a college education...but that doesn't mean the most expensive one or risking your security (and in too many parents cases, retirement) to do so.

Of course, both DH and I put ourselves through college -- it wasn't easy, it took a longer, and we didn't get to do the party college scene or go to our top choice schools. But we've turned out quite well, and way more appreciative of the education we have. So I promise you won't be stunting him for life by telling him all he's getting is what you'd already prepared for. You may actually be doing him a favor.

 

[ajh88]

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions - they've given us more to consider! We are not obligated by decree to continue paying for anything at this point - the divorce documents are *loose* to say the least in terms of specifics. However, we do still feel and recognize a responbility for helping him in college.

I'm just disgusted right now because we spoke with him and he basically told us he didn't even know how much the school cost when he decided he would go there. That seems nuts to me.

I really think we're going to encourage him to take the small subsidized loan and then we will either pay it off next year when I graduate or in 4 (hopefully) years when he graduates. I want him to enjoy this time in his life in terms of high school graduation and preparing for college and I don't want him stressed out and I think that might be the solution that keeps us all sane for now.

 

[pixistix]

My DD just finished her 2nd year of college. We live close to a Penn State campus so she is going there and commuting which saves $10,000 a year. Whatever she doesn't get in grant money for school, she takes out a loan for. A friend of mine who put twins through college told me have the student take the loan out because there are better programs for them than they'd give the parents. DD also works full time (by choice) in addition to full time school. She works for a cell phone store and makes commission in addition to her pay. That allows her to buy her "wants" while I buy the things she needs. Her father didn't have to pay support once she graduated high school so there was no help from him for college. I've always been up front with her about where my finances stand so she knows what I can and can't do to help her. And I think when they think they have to pay some or all of those loans back, they work harder in school.

 

[java]

I guess I am surprised at why you would be surprised. When did your dh start saving for college? Did he never start? I doubt at 7 your step son was talking about community college.

And you are spending in your word an obscene amount of money for your education. Is it your money? Or your dh's? If it's DH's I would imagine denying your ss's education would put a HUGE wedge between you/dh/ stepson. *said as a step child.

I do think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to take out a loan. However I think you should draw up a legal document making DH responsible for paying off the loan. It will let him know you are commited to his education- just don't have the money to do it right now.

Just asking him to take out the loan puts all the debt on him. Which is why I am suggesting amending the loan document with him to legally tie your dh to pay.

In my parents divorce I was the oldest- in college at the time of the divorce- it was in the decree that he was responsible for college for myself as well as my 2 younger siblings "to a similar degree" as I was getting. (which was private 4 year university) It got messy when my Dad remarried- his wife didn't think he should have to pay- well it was decided way before she was around so sorry but that's what comes with children. He paid for all 3 of us.

Try to reverse it in your mind. What if you and dh were the ones that were divorced he was remarried to someone going to college and it was your daughter that was going to college- what would you want to happen.

 

[VAN]

I would not feel guilty about this. Just tell him that you would love to help; however, your current financial situation does not allow it. Explain that he will just have to get a loan, and once you are through school and established in a new, high-paying job you will be in a position to revisit any financial support. DON'T MAKE ANY PROMISES except to say you will "revisit" the issue when your finances are secure.

By law, your stepson is an adult. This is part of adult life. HE has chosen his path forward and will have to deal with the fact that others aren't standing around with their wallets open to support HIS decision.

Again, explain - also explain that YOU have had to take out student loans ... then offer to revisit the issue when you are out of school and in a better paying job.

It's hard being a parent, but sometimes your child needs to understand that they are not the center of the universe and that if they want something badly enough THEY will have to make it happen. Mom and Dad aren't always in a position to "help", nor should they be.

Good luck and keep the faith!

 

[wdwfan16]

My stepson is 18 and will be graduating in a couple of weeks. We are very proud of him in most aspects - he's an overall great kid, he's intelligent, kind, and thougtful (well, pretty much so, as far as 18 year old boys go).

A little background: I am preparing to start my 4th and final year of pharmacy school. This year is all clinical rotations - meaning I'll be spending 40 hours a week in "on the job" type training, only NOT getting paid (actually, I'm paying the school on obscene amount of money for these opportunities). This means I will not be working as much (right now, I work about 30 hours a week while in school full time) and we have been preparing for a lean year. When I graduate, I fully anticipate an increase in our income of at least 4 fold and possibly close to 5 fold over what we make now - it's just that it is still a year away.

OK, so up until about 3 months ago, DSS was planning on attending community college for 2 years because he wasn't really sure what he wanted to pursue. I was thinking that was great because we could swing a few hundred dollars in August and January to help with tuition and books (and once he transferred, I would be out of school and better able to help him financially). Well, he has since decided to enroll in a private 4 year university to the tune of $17000 a year (not as bad as it could be, but still surprising to us!).

He has secured a scholarship and has applied for another grant, but as of now, his shortfall is over $6000. He has asked us to pay half (which I suppose is fair enough), with the first payment of $259 due on May 24th!! My May budget definitely does NOT include an extra $259 right now.

I need some impartial opinions because I feel a little emotional about this and I'm not sure if I'm being entirely fair. Here are some of the things I've considered:

1) I'm really putting my own education ahead of his - is this fair of me to do right now? Me not finishing school right now is NOT an option!

2) I know that my parents would have done this for me in a second - I got a full scholarship to undergrad so it was never an issue - but this makes me feel guilty (and selfish) for not being gung-ho about shelling out money we don't have right now. I will also say that I worked all throughout college - I had one job for all 4 years and a 2nd job for my last year and a half. I know he isn't me, but I also know how hard I worked when I was in school.

3) Yes, I've known college was coming for awhile - but as I said, we were prepared for about $500 to $1000 based on the community college he was considering - NOT $3000+.

4) I'm a little bitter because DSS has shown NO INTEREST in getting or keeping a job. He had one fast food job about 2 years ago and it lasted about 2-3 months. I know the job market isn't great at the moment, but it seems like he isn't even trying. I feel like if he wants to go to a school that costs this amount, he should be prepared to contribute to it - like instead of splitting $6000 in half, it should be split 3 ways, with him contributing through a part-time job for his portion. Is this completely insane of me to think?

5) Would it be incredibly insensitive/bad/wrong of me to suggest he get a small, subsidized Stafford loan to cover "our" $3000 portion this first year?

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you. I just feel like I'm not being very objective and I guess there isn't really one right answer here. I'm perfectly willing to help him out, but basically in order to do that for this year, I will have to request an increase in my own student loan and use that money to cover his education. Once I'm out of school, the amount of money won't be as much of an issue (I won't pretend it won't matter at all, but it won't be as bad as it is right now).

Any insights are appreciated. Thanks!

Pay for his tuition. $3K is not a huge amount. You should be glad that you DH does not have to pay the entire amount. I know guys whose divorce decree said they had to pay 100% of the tuition for the kids at the college of the kid's choice.

Take out an extra $3K in loans for your college and then pay it for his college.