College DD Homesick--Please give advice! UPDATE page 9

[Tigger&Belle]

My DD just started college, about 3 hours from home. She's really feeling homesick and wants to transfer to a local college next semester. I'm telling her to hang in there, that she needs to give it time (it's only been a week, afterall), that she'll become more comfortable if she gives it time, etc.

My DH wants to tell her, "no way" to moving back home. I'm not going to go that route as I think that might set her up for more upset. She's never been depressed, but I'm concerned that she is vulnerable at this point in her life and I don't want her to feel that she is backed into a corner. However, I also don't want to encourage her to come back home.

So what do I tell her to reassure her? At what point has a person been at college long enough to know that it's not working? I'm thinking Thanksgiving at the earliest.

It was always an option for her to live at home and go to the local branch of our state college system, but she wanted to have the "college experience" and go away.

Oh, and I should add, that she has a boyfriend at home who goes to the community college. He's a new boyfriend (started dating this summer) and I wasn't exactly in favor of her getting a boyfriend right before going away, but do 17yo's listen to their parents?

Advice from those who have, "been there, done that, and lived through it" would be great.

T&B

 

[Meriweather]

My DD went through the same thing.....6 hours from home. She was calling once or more a day.
But she got over it and LOVED the school and made a lot of friends.
Tell her to hang on ....and join in some clubs, etc. to meet some people with common interests.

 

[KrisTX]

I am sure it is the boy that she is missing. She needs to find a new boy at the new school. Does she have many girls that she knows with her at the college? That always helps. I met a boy the summer between FR/Soph year. I went back to school and after a few months returned home for 18 long months until we broke up (he went away to college and did not want a girlfriend ). Thankfully I went back to the original college and finished on time. I would strongly discourage her from throwing in the towel so soon. Is she at a big football school? That will get swinging soon and hopefully it will distract her from home and the new boy.

 

[zurgswife]

I'm sure it is the BF she is missing....I did the same thing 20yrs ago...Tell her to hold on try to get invovled.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

She told me that she is going to join the sailing club. She's in an honors program, but told me that the other people are "obnoxious" that are in the program. Not exactly sure what she means by that or how seriously to take it. I'll encourage her to look into other clubs.

Yes, I'm sure the boy at home has a lot to do with it. She seemed to be doing fine until Thursday when her boyfriend stopped my to show my 5yo a fire truck (he's a volunteer firefighter). That really made my DD want to be home!

My DH thinks that she shouldn't have a boyfriend at all, even at college. Yeah, right... LOL She doesn't have any close friends who go to the college. She know a few kids, but nobody that she's close with. There's one girl that we saw this summer who goes there and I'll suggest to DD that she IM her to get some support/advice about how to adjust. She does like her roommate a lot, however, which is a good thing.

She did just find out that there is a campus bus which they can take to the mall. That cheered her up (I'm not a mall person and it cracks me up that that info would cheer her up ).

She needs to figure out how to meet people. She tends to be a little shy and she's very attractive and I think that combination makes people think that she is stuck up. Hard thing for me to fix from here!

Keep the advice coming! I'm getting no support/help from my DH. Only anger from him that she's acting this way, disappointment in her, etc. I hope that they don't IM/e-mail/talk on the phone any time soon!

T&B

 

[Tiggeroo]

Think about how much time you want her to give it. Maybe you could say you have to stick it out for one semester. Send her a nice big care package. Try to find out what activities are going on for freshman/returning students this week. I bet there is a movie night or something. My son is going to a bbq tomorrow and a pool day on Monday.I'd imagine this weekend will be harder because it's a long weekend.

 

[clh2]

Just throwing a suggestion here. Is it possible that THIS weekend things seem so aweful because it is a long weekend and there are probably less kids on campus - because many other kids might have gone home for the holiday weekend?

 

[Tiggeroo]

T&B, my son is in college in Maryland. UMBC. If she's in one of the college park area schools there are some excellent shuttle busses to everywhere.

 

[Jeanny]

yep, the boyfriend definitely is the major factor. She just has to keep busy at school... can she talk to the new boyfriend, either IM or cell? she's just afraid of all the new things going on in her life and that he'll meet someone new .... she has to give it a chance.

I work at a college and see it all the time, she'll be fine. I break the semester down for my homesickies:
look at it this way, 4 weeks and you get Columbus Day off, another 4 weeks and you get Veteran's Day off, then 2 weeks later you're leaving for Thanksgiving Break, then 2 weeks after returning from Thanksgiving Break, you're getting ready for finals and leaving for Winter Break.

That usually makes them realize what a short semester they'll have, but the time they get to Thanksgiving, they're wondering where the semester went and how much they really DON'T want it to end.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I bet that it's true that less kids are on campus since it's a holiday weekend. I'll make sure I mention that to her. Good point. I need all the good points I can find.

Aly goes to Salisbury University on the eastern shore of MD. She was accepted to UMBC, and I thought that was the best match for her, being near the activities of Baltimore, not too far from home (but away from home), etc, but she didn't like it. Go figure--she probably wouldn't be going through all this if she were there since she could visit home (and have boyfriend visit her) more often.

I thought about the care package. You don't think that will make her even more homesick?

Yesterday she did go see a concert by a singer that she likes--Josh Kelley. She sat in the first row, got to meet him, and have her picture taken with him. That she was excited about! Think he'll come back next week?

T&B

 

[Micca]

I am reminded of this song about being away at summer camp for the first time...

Hello muddah, hello faddah
Here I am at Camp Granada
Camp is very entertaining
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivy
He developed poison ivy
You remember Leonard Skinner
He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters
And the lake has alligators
And the head coach wants no sissies
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.

How I don't want this should scare ya
But my bunkmate has malaria
You remember Jeffrey Hardy
They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home, oh muddah, faddah
Take me home, I hate Granada
Don't leave me out in the forest where
I might get eaten by a bear.
Take me home I promise I will not make noise
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh please don't make me stay
I've been here one whole day.

Dearest faddah, darling muddah,
How's my precious little bruddah
Let me come home, if you miss me
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it's stopped hailing.
Guys are swimming, guys are sailing
Playing baseball, gee that's better
Muddah, faddah kindly disregard this letter.


Not to minimize your DDs stress, but things will turn around, most likely rather quickly. to you

 

[damo]

How about getting webcams for everyone so that you can see and hear each other on MSN? It worked so well with my daughter last year. You actually feel like you are right in the next room! They are very cheap and easy to install on your computer.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Another thing, if she can get into a club, like sailing it will help enormously. The main reason things are going so well fo rmy son is that he's on the UMBC cross country team. A club gives you a built in group of friends to hang with. Another thing that might help is getting a campus job. My dd is getting one at the college performing arts center. First it will keep her busy, second it will get her around people who she can make friends with in a small one on one situation

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Jeanny, thank for the breaking the semester down hint. I'll mention that to her. She gets (has) to come home earlier than Thansgiving since she was subpoenaed to appear in court in early November. She was in an accident this summer with said boyfriend (I met him in the emergency room--not a great place to meet someone who'd like to make a good impression on the mother LOL) and now must appear for his court date.

At least she knows she only has to wait that long before coming home, even if it is for only one day.

You know, I naively thought that when she moved out I would somehow start having it a little easier with one of my kids. HA! Seems that growing up isn't a constant trip, but more of a 2 steps forward, one step back kind of experience.

T&B

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Micca, Isnt' that the truth. And Aly tends to be a bit emotional and dramatic. Notice how she came to me with this and not her father? There's a reason--she can get me worked up easier than her father.

Damo, I'll think about the webcams. I'm so afraid of making her homesick--it didn't do that to your DD at all?

T&B

 

[Buckalew11]

My nephew did this same thing.Twoweeks into it, he wanted out. His roomate got out before the 2 weeks! He up and quit the soccer team but stayed until Christmas then transfered to UT and loved school.
Sometimes they need to stick it out and sometimes they really should transfer.

I have a friend who works at UT & part of her job a few years ago was to make sure Freshman students adjusted well and if there was anything at all she could do to help them stay and be happy, she did it. I remember her sharing an article with me about Freshman and college and adjusting to college life. Try googling something and see if you find anything like that somewhere on the net. I remember thinking it was very helpful but my DD is just now 11 so I didn't save it.

Good luck and I hope dad will mellow in his thoughts about all of it. I know it's hard but what he has to say probably won't be helpful to her at this stage.

{{{hugs}}} to you, because when our children aren't *happy* moms feel their pain!!

 

[MandM-Mom]

My first semester away at college I did not have much fun, The rest was some of the best times ever! I was nervous about going out and meeting friends... The best thing that happened to me was hanging out with my room-mate and suite mates. I ended up meeting my dearest friends through them. I know it may be hard for a mom to here but she needs to go out, go out dancing or go to the campus center or coffee house, I don't want to say PARTY but you know what I mean, she needs to have the full college experience before she decides she doesn't like it. Send her some homemade cookies and a card its always great to get stuff from home. When I had a boyfriend from (actually my DH now) it helped if he came to visit too! Tough for a Mom to here I know, no flames please, Im just telling you what helped me!

 

[Megster]

I'm a sophomore in college this year and I'm really homesick right now as well. The best advice that I can give her/you is to stick it out for the first couple weeks. Usually after two/three weeks my homesickness starts to go away. Classes are in full swing and everyone has gotten into a routine. Encourage her to get involved on campus so that she isn't just sitting around thinking about how sad she is. And tell her it really does get better and easier!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'll google the topic and see what I can find. Might help my DH to do a little reading on the topic, too.

I have encourged her to go out and meet people. She says that everyone wants to drink and/or smoke. I know she's probably saying that for my benefit. What I'm NOT going to share with her is that I was one of those partiers when I went to school.

I think her boyfriend is going to come see her in a couple weeks. Maybe that will help her. Yeah, I hate to encourage his visit, but at least that will give her something to look forward to.

T&B

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Megster, NO, don't tell me I might have to go through this with her in other years, too!!! At least you've gone through it and know it will get better. Hang in there!

T&B