College DD Homesick--Please give advice! UPDATE page 9

[KarenC]

My daughter went to school 400 miles away from home. While she had the grades, test scores and extra curricular activities to be a competitive candidate for almost any school in the country, she decided to go to a school that was less than an hour away from where her highschool sweetheart went. They broke up soon after she started college. Needless to say, she had a rough first semester of her freshman year and she wanted to come home.

We told her that she was there for her Freshman year and that if she was still unhappy in February that we would start to talk to her about transferring. February came and she decided to stay put. She's pretty happy now that she did. I don't think it's unusual for kids to want to transfer this early, but the advice we received was to encourage them to finish out the first year. I"m glad I listened to that advice.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Hi T&B!

I feel for you. I responded earlier. DD is a sophomore at University of Maryland. She too is having homesickness issues that were mainly related to the at home boyfriend. He dumped her about the first week of September this year. There were a few rough weeks but I think things are finally improving. She is joining the band service sorority and is making new friends and finally really getting involved. As if marching band wasn't enough.

But, what I wanted to say is that last year around this time, DD had a real melt down. I talked to the local campus pastor at our church. She said that midterm time of freshman year was a particularly bad time. The real work is hitting with exams and papers. The newness of being away from home was over. Hopefully your DD will be able to stick it out.

I am one year ahead of you in this and have taked to other parents with older girls and I fear this is a very common occurance. I'll let you know next year how it goes with a boy.

Good luck.

 

[LBAK]

I would have her stick it out for a year. I went away to a school 600 miles from home and left my then boyfriend. I too told my mom I was homesick and wanted to come home. She told me 1 year there and I can transfer. Needless to say after a year I decided to stay and 4 years later I graduated and married my boyfriend. Sure it was tough but we worked through it.

That said, I have a 19 yo DD who stayed home. If your DD comes home make it be known to her that she will be expected to act as part of a family. She will be expected to contribute to the household as far as chores, social obligations, babysitting for your younger one,etc. That might not seem so enticing to her then. My DD thought she was a boarder when she started college. She thought she could come and go as she pleased and didn't have to help around the house. "After all she was a college student", was the line I got. Well, suprise! You want to live here, you help! You don't like that you leave! Now she's getting it. Maybe if you lay down what will be expected of her it won't seem so great for her to come home. Good Luck!

 

[Disneyrsh]

My original post was written after one week, but the update after 7 weeks. She hasn't gotten involved enough in different activities, which means that she hasn't met enough people from different places. I think that would help her and I have suggested things, but...

Lynn CC, she won't admit that wanting to see her boyfriend is even a part of this decision, which of course it is. I've told her that to move for someone she hasn't known for long is not a good decision and that I realize that she's not going to admit to me (and maybe even herself) that missing him is influencing her decision. You're right, though, if it ends up working out between them it can and will happen even if they are apart.

Ok, I had a thought. You mentioned that when she was home she wasn't 'home'; that she was annoyed by the rest of the family and you barely saw her, yet she insists that she's not going home for the boyfriend.

Sooo, how about you call her and tell her that you understand how homesick she is and that you're going to come pick her up and do an "All Aly, All Family" weekend, where she can just tank up on being around her family, being at home, and getting lots of love from you! Make it all about you understanding that she's homesick, and that you're going to give her a powerful dose of just what she's missing .

Then when she balks, say, well, I guess what you're feeling isn't homesickness, after all, we'll have to work out another solution that doesn't include you using our home as a free room/board/food/laundry stop.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Ok, I had a thought. You mentioned that when she was home she wasn't 'home'; that she was annoyed by the rest of the family and you barely saw her, yet she insists that she's not going home for the boyfriend.

Sooo, how about you call her and tell her that you understand how homesick she is and that you're going to come pick her up and do an "All Aly, All Family" weekend, where she can just tank up on being around her family, being at home, and getting lots of love from you! Make it all about you understanding that she's homesick, and that you're going to give her a powerful dose of just what she's missing .

Then when she balks, say, well, I guess what you're feeling isn't homesickness, after all, we'll have to work out another solution that doesn't include you using our home as a free room/board/food/laundry stop.

OMG, that is too good! I kind of touched on it when I talked to her on Saturday. When I told her that she was hardly even home the weekend before when she came for her visit and she told me that she should have been and it was a mistake not being home more ( ), I then told her that when she came home next month that she could make up for it. She said, "WHAT do you MEAN?" . I explained that she could spend more time with us when she came home next. hehehe

rigs32--that's exactly what I want her to do--think through all this and research the best place for her to be, if indeed it's not where she currently is. Of course she's acting on emotions, which is not a logical way to behave.

KarenC, bummer for your DD with the boyfriend breakup so soon after starting college. Of course as a parent you know it works out, but it's hard for the young adult going through it.

Breezy_Carol, I think that if my DD transfers, the only other place that would be a good fit would be U of MD. I don't think she would like the size, but at least it has the majors that she wants.

LBAK, if she does move back home I will make it painfully clear what I will expect chore-wise, etc. Knowing her she will agree to everything and then blow it off when she is here. It will then be one more thing for me to keep track of. I'll need to figure out some system for her to "remember" to do what she is expected to do, but she will not be off the hook.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thought that I would say this on a new post since my other one was getting long.

My DD called this morning because she wanted my advice about a prof of hers. She doesn't like this prof and commented to me that since it's an honors prof that she will have her again in the future. She also told me about a Sociology prof who she likes a lot, which is good because she'll have him again, too. Huh, are these profs transferring to the community college?

Is she playing me like a fiddle or is she truly confused?

I didn't call her on it when I was talking to her because I figured that I wanted to keep the call pleasant and not have her get emotional. Figured I would send an e-mail spelling out my proposal for next semester, mainly that we will come get her and bring her back once a month (my DH's idea). In that e-mail I will mention the WDW trip.

I really don't know what to think and maybe she doesn't know what to think, either.

 

[Jennifer S]

Sound like she may be warming up to the place. I hope so. It's such a great experience. I bet before long you won't even have to go get her once a month.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Sound like she may be warming up to the place. I hope so. It's such a great experience. I bet before long you won't even have to go get her once a month.

Well, honestly, I think that she might be figuring out that her boyfriend is going to be busy next semester with his firefighting training. If he's training from 7-5pm, M-F, he will be bushed after that and will need to go to bed early. Not much time to see her! Doesn't make sense to move back here just to see him on weekends.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

This morning I sent her an e-mail telling her I was confused...that she tells me taht she has made the decision to come home, but then mentions next semester. She wrote back:

"I thought my decision was pretty much made and I guess I kind of accepted it.

We can talk more about it later if you want..."

That totally baffled me, which I told her.

I did talk with her and she says that she's going to stay where she is next semester. Like I expected she then starts talking about her boyfriend and the fact that he'll be busy in recruit school. Whatever At least she'll have time to research and figure out what she wants to do if she is still not happy there in a few months.

And I informed her that the community college starts a week earlier than her University, which would interfere with WDW.

Hopefully she won't change her mind next week.

 

[justhat]

That sounds good so far! At least she's going to have enough time to think through what she wants to do, know if she wants to change majors or not, and where she would like to go. Plus, maybe with the boyfriend so busy in recruit school your daughter will be able to spend more time meeting more friends at school so maybe he won't be such a huge factor in her decision.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That sounds good so far! At least she's going to have enough time to think through what she wants to do, know if she wants to change majors or not, and where she would like to go. Plus, maybe with the boyfriend so busy in recruit school your daughter will be able to spend more time meeting more friends at school so maybe he won't be such a huge factor in her decision.

I hope so. My DD said that her boyfriend is disappointed with her decision to stay there, even though he said he would support whichever decision she makes. I told Aly that he can be disappointed and miss her and she can miss him, but that she was enrolled there when he met her this summer, so it's not as if she is doing something that came as a surprise to him. Just like if she were to complain about him being a firefighter even though she knew his career goals when she met him. We can't mold people into exactly what we'd like them to be and we sure can't make them change to suit our desires!

 

[Disneyrsh]

I hope so. My DD said that her boyfriend is disappointed with her decision to stay there, even though he said he would support whichever decision she makes. I told Aly that he can be disappointed and miss her and she can miss him, but that she was enrolled there when he met her this summer, so it's not as if she is doing something that came as a surprise to him. Just like if she were to complain about him being a firefighter even though she knew his career goals when she met him. We can't mold people into exactly what we'd like them to be and we sure can't make them change to suit our desires!

Oy, she needs to know that boyfriends don't appreciate or value women that drop everything and come trotting to them. He'll think a lot more highly of her if HE's the one who has to come visit HER. By staying in school, she's asking him to make some compromises and put her ahead of other things he finds important.

Oh, piffle, he's 'disappointed'. I'd be concerned that he wants what's best for him and not what's best for her, which is to stay in the best school for her, even if it inconveniences him.

Next time he comes over I'd have a talk with him!

 

[MsLeFever]

I wanted to read through the whole thread before I responded and it looks like things are resolving themselves nicely!

I did want to add that EVERYTIME you transfer you lose credits. I'm a prof and my DH finished up his BA and BFA in various schools where I was teaching. (free tuition is a great benefit!)

BUT - everytime he tried to transfer credits it was a hassle!
Each school really wants you to take all of your credits at their school and will only accept a handful of what she may have taken.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Oy, she needs to know that boyfriends don't appreciate or value women that drop everything and come trotting to them. He'll think a lot more highly of her if HE's the one who has to come visit HER. By staying in school, she's asking him to make some compromises and put her ahead of other things he finds important.

Oh, piffle, he's 'disappointed'. I'd be concerned that he wants what's best for him and not what's best for her, which is to stay in the best school for her, even if it inconveniences him.

Next time he comes over I'd have a talk with him!

LOL, you make some good points.

I think that he must know even what's in his best interests. Having her nearby may be what he wants, but needs are very different than wants. I try to teach that to my kids, but they just don't get it. He's very busy right now with school, work, and volunteer firefighting. What would give for him would be sleep. When he starts recruit class he would have no weekday time for her unless he sleeps less. Not smart when we're talking about his career.

You're right, though. The boyfriend needs to think through whether there is a chance that my DD is a keeper (and she needs to consider the same thing about him). If there is even a remote chance of that then they both need to think about what is in the best interest of the other not just about what their wants are. They can then brainstorm and think of ways they could see each other a couple times a month.

 

[Sandy V.]

Oh, piffle, he's 'disappointed'. I'd be concerned that he wants what's best for him and not what's best for her, which is to stay in the best school for her, even if it inconveniences him.

Next time he comes over I'd have a talk with him!

I agree. Nice kid or not, he needs to be mum on this one. I don't like manipulators in any sense of the word, and this is starting to smell of it a bit.

It may be that he's just being honest in that yes, he is disappointed and he's telling her so, but in the long run, your daughter needs to figure all of this out without someone pulling her emotional "strings". This is HER education, not his.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I did want to add that EVERYTIME you transfer you lose credits.

That's something that she needs to consider since I am not paying for her to stay in school forever. She went away to college with 1/2 year of college credit (maybe a little more than that with her AP classes) and I'm hoping that she will finish in 3 1/2 years. I'll give her 4, but not more than that.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I agree. Nice kid or not, he needs to be mum on this one. I don't like manipulators in any sense of the word, and this is starting to smell of it a bit.

It may be that he's just being honest in that yes, he is disappointed and he's telling her so, but in the long run, your daughter needs to figure all of this out without someone pulling her emotional "strings". This is HER education, not his.

Yep, just as I would expect her to not give him a bad time about his firefighing, knowing that that was his career goal before ever dating him.

My DD will be home in early Nov for a long weekend (has to appear in court because of an accident that she was in with her boyfriend this summer ) and then will be back for Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that her spirits will stay high and she won't change her mind again, but she's bummed now because friends who were going to visit her this weekend are now unable to come. She's still so moody--when will this improve?

 

[Sandy V.]

She's still so moody--when will this improve?

If it does end, please let me know! My DD is 17 (18 in December) and a senior in high school. I have been reading this with interest because she will be going through much of the same emotions next year! She also has a boyfriend; a really nice smart kid. They are applying to some of the same schools, but I really have no idea where either will end up!

She's our oldest - there are days when I'm sad about the prospect of her leaving, and there are other days when I'm ready to pack her bags NOW. She just blows so hot and cold emotionally; it drives us all nuts!

Anyway, good luck with your daughter's situation. I'm going to continue to follow it and I may end up asking YOU for advice next year!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

She's our oldest - there are days when I'm sad about the prospect of her leaving, and there are other days when I'm ready to pack her bags NOW. She just blows so hot and cold emotionally; it drives us all nuts!

You sound just like me before my DD went away. Very mixed emotions for sure. At least your DD is a little older--that may help. My DD is the same age as your DD and I think being young hasn't helped her with this transition (she turns 18yo in December, too--12/24). She is our oldest, too.

 

[Sandy V.]

DD turns 18 on December 18th, so she's actually 6 days older than your daughter.