Co-workers wedding wwyd

[disykat]

It IS a hard concept for some of us to grasp, because it goes against our definition of what a gift is. I don't understand how that's a hard concept for people on the "other side" of the argument to grasp either. Two very different ways of looking at something and I doubt either side is ever going to agree because the other side will always feel wrong due to a difference in definition.

Maybe there should be two different words for "gift?"

 

[jrmasm]

You know honestly, I don’t know how many times or how many ways we can say “cover your plate” is a guideline in my area. Not a requirement. Not an admission fee. Nobody checks your gift at the door and if it's not enough, you can’t come in. We’re not paying our own way. It’s a guideline. Generally used for an average wedding here.

Obviously as a relatively middk class person with a middle class income, if someone invites me to their $500/plate wedding, they’re not getting a $1000 wedding gift to cover my and my husbands plate. They’re getting what we can afford with thoughts of the closeness of our relationship thrown in.

I truly don’t understand why it’s suxh a hard concept. I’m starting to think that some folks just like ragging on people.

But people keep lists

 

[mjkacmom]

Really good discussion, I certainly have learned a few things.

Couple of questions; if a couple can't afford a certain style of wedding why would you have that type? Isn't it a big gamble and may put them in large debt? What if I choose not to give a gift, they are not mandatory?

Secondly, in certain areas it seems you are invited to a wedding but are expected to pay your own way? Not really a guest now is it.
The people having the wedding are not really hosting anything if attendees are expected to make payment of some sort.
JMHO.

Why would you think they couldn’t afford it? My parents paid for ours, but most people don’t even get married until 30 or so, after becoming established in good careers. The wedding hosts don’t expect it, guests do. I don’t understand why people even care about cultural traditions that have nothing to do with them, or knock them, especially those that have been going on for so many decades. I just don’t get it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yeah, me too.

 

[mjkacmom]

But people keep lists

Not everyone, and just immediate family. I have nieces and nephews, my sister and I spend similar amounts of each other’s kids birthday and Christmas gifts, I imagine we will do the same for wedding gifts.

 

[jrmasm]

Not everyone, and just immediate family. I have nieces and nephews, my sister and I spend similar amounts of each other’s kids birthday and Christmas gifts, I imagine we will do the same for wedding gifts.

A gift should be just that, a gift. No strings, no expectations, no keeping things “equal”.

 

[mjkacmom]

Would u go to a party without a gift?

I would not. Of course they aren’t mandatory but customary

Or would you show up with a can of corn? Is that an appropriate gift? A half a roll of toilet paper? A pack of gum? For every gift giving occasion, folks decide what is an appropriate gift. In different cultures, this can vary.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

You know honestly, I don’t know how many times or how many ways we can say “cover your plate” is a guideline in my area. Not a requirement. Not an admission fee. Nobody checks your gift at the door and if it's not enough, you can’t come in. We’re not paying our own way. It’s a guideline. Generally used for an average wedding here.

Obviously as a relatively middk class person with a middle class income, if someone invites me to their $500/plate wedding, they’re not getting a $1000 wedding gift to cover my and my husbands plate. They’re getting what we can afford with thoughts of the closeness of our relationship thrown in.

I truly don’t understand why it’s suxh a hard concept. I’m starting to think that some folks just like ragging on people.

I don't think it's a hard concept to understand. It's just not what most people consider logical. That's doesn't mean it can't be logical to you. It's just not to me. If it works for a small area of the country, more power to you. Trying to sell it as proper etiquette isn't accurate though. It's simply traditional to that area. That's okay. We all have different traditions. If I told everyone the financial arrangements of the recent weddings I've participated in, we'd have a whole new conversation.

If the cover your plate crowd wouldn't bring it up, the topic would eventually die here. As long as it's brought up, there will be people who defend it & more people who disagree with it. There's no point in anyone getting upset over it. It's just a wedding. They'll probably be divorced in 5 years anyway.

 

[shoney]

It IS a hard concept for some of us to grasp, because it goes against our definition of what a gift is. I don't understand how that's a hard concept for people on the "other side" of the argument to grasp either. Two very different ways of looking at something and I doubt either side is ever going to agree because the other side will always feel wrong due to a difference in definition.

Maybe there should be two different words for "gift?"

But do U have gift norms? Like my standard is a toaster but if I am closer to the couple I give a microwave.
For immediate family I give a stand mixer.

If ur standard is a toaster would you go to a wedding and give a wooden spoon? Prob not if that’s not what u normally give.

In this area it is monetary amounts not a gift.

 

[Someluck]

Here's something nice that happened recently...my 25 year old grandson and his fiancé had a beautiful wedding on a lovely summer evening. There were about 120 guests who knew the bride and groom well. My grandson welcomed all the guests by saying how much love he and Jessica felt being sent their way by everyone in attendance, and how much they appreciated having their friends and family surrounding them on their special day. Then they invited us all to share the food, the drinks, the music the love and the laughter. I'm confident Daniel and Jessica got just the right gift from everyone.

 

[North of Mouse]

Wouldn't be a dilemma at all for me. My friends would always get a nicer gift than a recently hired coworker. Has nothing to do with how nice they are. It would be the length and type of relationship. Also, I would never go a long distance, have hotel expenses, etc. for a wedding of a recent co worker acquaintance. A nice gift doesn't have to go by the monetary value.

 

[disykat]

But do U have gift norms? Like my standard is a toaster but if I am closer to the couple I give a microwave.
For immediate family I give a stand mixer.

If ur standard is a toaster would you go to a wedding and give a wooden spoon? Prob not if that’s not what u normally give.

In this area it is monetary amounts not a gift.

You are talking about what you give as a gift. I'm talking about the definition of a gift. You seem to define it as I do since you give based on your closeness to the recipient. I'm not sure what your point is.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't think it's a hard concept to understand. It's just not what most people consider logical. That's doesn't mean it can't be logical to you. It's just not to me. If it works for a small area of the country, more power to you. Trying to sell it as proper etiquette isn't accurate though. It's simply traditional to that area. That's okay. We all have different traditions. If I told everyone the financial arrangements of the recent weddings I've participated in, we'd have a whole new conversation.

If the cover your plate crowd wouldn't bring it up, the topic would eventually die here. As long as it's brought up, there will be people who defend it & more people who disagree with it. There's no point in anyone getting upset over it. It's just a wedding. They'll probably be divorced in 5 years anyway.

The problem is, the cover your plate discussion is almost always initiated by someone not in the geographical region where it exists, complaining about it.

 

[shoney]

You are talking about what you give as a gift. I'm talking about the definition of a gift. You seem to define it as I do since you give based on your closeness to the recipient. I'm not sure what your point is.

My point is most types of parties have a certain normal gift associated. Here $125 to $150 pp is a norm or maybe a toaster in another area. But that amount is adjusted based on relationship. I doubt many people would go to a wedding and give $25 or a wooden spoon. Unless it’s poor aunt Helen on SS. And no one would think twice about it.

 

[Summer2018]

It’s more NYC metropolitan area, not New England. It’s a small pocket of the country.

Yes, Connecticut and NY in my experience.

 

[okeydokey]

I just have to be thankful that I was not expected to pay admission of the cost of the plate to attend weddings. Honestly, I doubt I would have been able to go to any if that were the case.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

The problem is, the cover your plate discussion is almost always initiated by someone not in the geographical region where it exists, complaining about it.

I don't normally check to see who was the first person to mention anything & rarely pay attention to where anyone lives. I do have to say you have changed that for me on this thread. I had to look to see who would stoop low enough to call where someone lives backwards. Then you doubled down with your corn, gum, toilet paper gift comment. If nothing else, I noticed who made those posts. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm shocked by something I read on the DIS.

My point is most types of parties have a certain normal gift associated. Here $125 to $150 pp is a norm or maybe a toaster in another area. But that amount is adjusted based on relationship. I doubt many people would go to a wedding and give $25 or a wooden spoon. Unless it’s poor aunt Helen on SS. And no one would think twice about it.

Lol...Aunt Helen's wooden spoons are the best.

 

[shoney]

I don't normally check to see who was the first person to mention anything & rarely pay attention to where anyone lives. I do have to say you have changed that for me on this thread. I had to look to see who would stoop low enough to call where someone lives backwards. Then you doubled down with your corn, gum, toilet paper gift comment. If nothing else, I noticed who made those posts. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm shocked by something I read on the DIS.



Lol...Aunt Helen's wooden spoons are the best.

Because poor aunt Helens gift comes from the heart. Don’t know anyone that would feel any different.

 

[AppleDumpling]

If the cover your plate crowd wouldn't bring it up, the topic would eventually die here. As long as it's brought up, there will be people who defend it & more people who disagree with it. There's no point in anyone getting upset over it. It's just a wedding. They'll probably be divorced in 5 years anyway.

OP essentially brought it up by specifying dollar amounts and describing the style of the two weddings she’s planning to attend. Which would indicate to me that she considers that information relevant to her question. She also referred to one of her co-workers as Bridezilla, which TBH, sounds like she doesn’t even like her that much.

If OP had simply said that one woman is a long-time friend and the other a colleague of less than a year, without mentioning the other details, I’m pretty sure most of us would tell her to give more to the long-term friend (as many posters did anyway).

I’m not upset, but think it’s unfair to imply that anyone who uses approx. plate cost as a point of reference, is rude, tacky, greedy, ungrateful, etc. And I know you’re kidding, but I sure hope these couples aren’t divorced in 5 years.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

OP essentially brought it up by specifying dollar amounts and describing the style of the two weddings she’s planning to attend. Which would indicate to me that she considers that information relevant to her question. She also referred to one of her co-workers as Bridezilla, which TBH, sounds like she doesn’t even like her that much.

If OP had simply said that one woman is a long-time friend and the other a colleague of less than a year, without mentioning the other details, I’m pretty sure most of us would tell her to give more to the long-term friend (as many posters did anyway).

I’m not upset, but think it’s unfair to imply that anyone who uses approx. plate cost as a point of reference, is rude, tacky, greedy, ungrateful, etc. And I know you’re kidding, but I sure hope these couples aren’t divorced in 5 years.

It's all in how you read things. It didn't occur to me that the OP would be basing her gift on how much the couple spent on the wedding. I thought she was wondering, if she should spend more on the friend she had known longer, especially since she had to spend a lot to go to the other's wedding. I actually thought the exact opposite of what you did. The pay for your plate idea didn't even enter my mind, because that's not common for me. We often base our opinions on experiences.

Yes, the 5 years comment was an attempt to lighten the mood. I'll be married 26 years next months & all my sisters have been married longer than I. It should go without saying that I've never bought a gift expecting the couple to get divorced. Well.... maybe two couples ....