Clearing out a family home

[CdnCarrie]

I'm currently contemplating how to time the THIRD dumpster we will need to get rid of all the stuff in bedrooms & basement storage. The basement is quite the grab bag of oddball gifts I never wanted but felt I needed to keep over guilt. There was an electric chicken rotisserie that was unopened for maybe 15 years, back when they were the in thing like air dryers are now. I also noticed all sorts of things like ugly espresso cups and giant crystal picture frames.

Mental note to self to remember that gift cards are probably better than junk people can't bring themselves to throw away.

Not sure if I do it in late summer or over the holidays, it's all so time consuming.

Hope you donate stuff rather than just send it all to the landfill!

 

[stitch'sgirl]

Oh gosh, burying my mom today. Four kids and we are split down the middle. The last three years have been tough, three against one and it all started with where my parents were going to get placed. My sister tricked them into walking out one day and they were never allowed to return to the only home they ever knew for 65 years. My brother has now realized what kind of person my sister is so at least I have some footing. While my parents were in a group home, 3 college kids lived in my parents' home rent free. All they had to do was cut the grass and shovel the snow. I can't imagine the job we have ahead of us. I haven't talked to either sister in 3 years and boy I am missing my parents. My sister wouldn't allow a visitation and told the funeral director I would have to pay for it myself. Then she went on vacation for 2 weeks while my mom laid in the funeral home. My beautiful mom lived 96 years. That home should have been filled with bouquets and visitors.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hope you donate stuff rather than just send it all to the landfill!

Of course, but many things aren't good candidates.

In our area people take things from the curb all the time and according to the dumpster owners, there are people who dig through on their property so I was warned to not put any sensitive papers in the dumpster. Live and let live.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Oh gosh, burying my mom today. Four kids and we are split down the middle. The last three years have been tough, three against one and it all started with where my parents were going to get placed. My sister tricked them into walking out one day and they were never allowed to return to the only home they ever knew for 65 years. My brother has now realized what kind of person my sister is so at least I have some footing. While my parents were in a group home, 3 college kids lived in my parents' home rent free. All they had to do was cut the grass and shovel the snow. I can't imagine the job we have ahead of us. I haven't talked to either sister in 3 years and boy I am missing my parents. My sister wouldn't allow a visitation and told the funeral director I would have to pay for it myself. Then she went on vacation for 2 weeks while my mom laid in the funeral home. My beautiful mom lived 96 years. That home should have been filled with bouquets and visitors.

What an awful situation

 

[abbyandangel]

My mom passed away on Thursday. My dad or brother didn’t even call to tell me. My mom was in hospice for 18 days. I went to see her on weekends and took 5 days off work during that time. I live 3 hours away. My younger brother is 55 and worked less than 10 years his whole life. My parents have supported him all this time. They have paid his bills and given him vehicles. When my dad dies he gets the house. I have always had to work. They have never given me anything and I get nothing when they pass so I feel that he should take care of them in their final days . He is not working and gets everything so why should I jeopardize a job that I have to have. Anyway, now he and my dad are not speaking to me because I was not there every day. I loved my mom and miss her so much but I have always had to be the practical one and take care of myself. I am not able to grieve my mom because I am angry and hurt by this situation.

 

[focusondisney]

@stitch'sgirl & @abbyandangel, I’m so sorry for both your losses & the situations. I hope you’ll both find comfort in happier memories. It’s so hard to understand how some family members can act. My deepest sympathies.

 

[kimmar067]

The process of clearing out a family home is way more expensive and demands more effort than we thought. Kids finished school and moved to the city place while I/we are still trying to transition and have completely filled two giant dumpsters and there is still a house full of stuff, most of it will go to people we know who can use upgrades but most of it was put away ages ago never to be seen again. Not hoarders, just shocked how much can be neatly collected in blue bins and tucked into crawl spaces, closets, cabinets etc. like ancient golf clubs that were scooped up by a kid as soon as they hit the curb, dust and all.

Three things I learned:

First, it seems moving triggers the same spell as the Lestrange vault because every time we remove a thing it seems like more stuff shows up behind it. So you look at, say, a cabinet and think, OK that's one thing, but no, it's not singular. That old cabinet is full of old files & junk and I am compelled to review this junk because random photos and such pop up so one cabinet is at least hour of time and a giant pail of garbage, plus a pile of things I want to keep (that will probably go into a box to be thrown out in another decade LOL kidding, not kidding)

Second, rule for first step applies to things that need to be fixed, adjusted or managed. Everywhere I look is a thing that needs attention, must be some kind of blindness that happens when you live in a place a long time, now the stress is reduced by each task being done but yikes, it's a lot.

Third, shocked how expensive dumpsters are and associated costs in general. Now I get why people have giant "Moving Sale" events because long distance prices are outrageous and enough to make me reconsider many things I never thought I'd give up because it's just such a nuisance.

Not really sure what else we will discover as we move through the process towards our age in place home, I'm sure there is a lot I don't know yet. One thing is true though, I will not get massive heavy stuff because getting rid of it is an ordeal. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for a family that needs to move abruptly or for adult children who need to clean out their parents stuff when they move into a facility of some kind, must be positively miserable.

are we RELATED??!!?!?!?

 

[kimmar067]

Oh gosh, burying my mom today. Four kids and we are split down the middle. The last three years have been tough, three against one and it all started with where my parents were going to get placed. My sister tricked them into walking out one day and they were never allowed to return to the only home they ever knew for 65 years. My brother has now realized what kind of person my sister is so at least I have some footing. While my parents were in a group home, 3 college kids lived in my parents' home rent free. All they had to do was cut the grass and shovel the snow. I can't imagine the job we have ahead of us. I haven't talked to either sister in 3 years and boy I am missing my parents. My sister wouldn't allow a visitation and told the funeral director I would have to pay for it myself. Then she went on vacation for 2 weeks while my mom laid in the funeral home. My beautiful mom lived 96 years. That home should have been filled with bouquets and visitors.

WOW, I guess there's ONE [or two] in every family...we went to a similar situation when my M-in-L passed....

 

[kimmar067]

My mom passed away on Thursday. My dad or brother didn’t even call to tell me. My mom was in hospice for 18 days. I went to see her on weekends and took 5 days off work during that time. I live 3 hours away. My younger brother is 55 and worked less than 10 years his whole life. My parents have supported him all this time. They have paid his bills and given him vehicles. When my dad dies he gets the house. I have always had to work. They have never given me anything and I get nothing when they pass so I feel that he should take care of them in their final days . He is not working and gets everything so why should I jeopardize a job that I have to have. Anyway, now he and my dad are not speaking to me because I was not there every day. I loved my mom and miss her so much but I have always had to be the practical one and take care of myself. I am not able to grieve my mom because I am angry and hurt by this situation.

I firmly believe in karma....believe me, NO ONE escapes final Judgment Day.

 

[dez1978]

The process of clearing out a family home is way more expensive and demands more effort than we thought. Kids finished school and moved to the city place while I/we are still trying to transition and have completely filled two giant dumpsters and there is still a house full of stuff, most of it will go to people we know who can use upgrades but most of it was put away ages ago never to be seen again. Not hoarders, just shocked how much can be neatly collected in blue bins and tucked into crawl spaces, closets, cabinets etc. like ancient golf clubs that were scooped up by a kid as soon as they hit the curb, dust and all.

Three things I learned:

First, it seems moving triggers the same spell as the Lestrange vault because every time we remove a thing it seems like more stuff shows up behind it. So you look at, say, a cabinet and think, OK that's one thing, but no, it's not singular. That old cabinet is full of old files & junk and I am compelled to review this junk because random photos and such pop up so one cabinet is at least hour of time and a giant pail of garbage, plus a pile of things I want to keep (that will probably go into a box to be thrown out in another decade LOL kidding, not kidding)

Second, rule for first step applies to things that need to be fixed, adjusted or managed. Everywhere I look is a thing that needs attention, must be some kind of blindness that happens when you live in a place a long time, now the stress is reduced by each task being done but yikes, it's a lot.

Third, shocked how expensive dumpsters are and associated costs in general. Now I get why people have giant "Moving Sale" events because long distance prices are outrageous and enough to make me reconsider many things I never thought I'd give up because it's just such a nuisance.

Not really sure what else we will discover as we move through the process towards our age in place home, I'm sure there is a lot I don't know yet. One thing is true though, I will not get massive heavy stuff because getting rid of it is an ordeal. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for a family that needs to move abruptly or for adult children who need to clean out their parents stuff when they move into a facility of some kind, must be positively miserable.

Yes! We moved to our current house 9 years ago. We still have junk in boxes in the shop. I am slowly going thru that stuff and donating whats donatable, and trashing the rest. And as my kids grow out of toys and into more electronics, starting to purge the house of all the big dump trucks, and hot wheels tracks and all that stuff that sits unused. Where did it all come from? And clothes... So many clothes. Like DH has clothes from a xl-3x, like entire wardrobes of each size. And his weight flucuates quite a bit due to health things so I don't want to get rid of any of it. I also have a couple sizes of clothes and trying to determine what I should get rid of or keep is overwhelming

 

[dez1978]

Oh gosh, burying my mom today. Four kids and we are split down the middle. The last three years have been tough, three against one and it all started with where my parents were going to get placed. My sister tricked them into walking out one day and they were never allowed to return to the only home they ever knew for 65 years. My brother has now realized what kind of person my sister is so at least I have some footing. While my parents were in a group home, 3 college kids lived in my parents' home rent free. All they had to do was cut the grass and shovel the snow. I can't imagine the job we have ahead of us. I haven't talked to either sister in 3 years and boy I am missing my parents. My sister wouldn't allow a visitation and told the funeral director I would have to pay for it myself. Then she went on vacation for 2 weeks while my mom laid in the funeral home. My beautiful mom lived 96 years. That home should have been filled with bouquets and visitors.

I am so sorry. That is awful. There is a special place for your sister. Hugs,

 

[sarahann77]

I'm in the process of considering selling my house soon. My family has always had a bad habit of not going through things that I inherited too.
When we combined houses with my grandmother in '93, most of her stuff went into mom's basement and where it sits. Lots of collectible things; or thought as. My brother died in '99 so we haven't done much with his things too. My dad moved to SC in '01 and moved things to mom's house and mine; with the intention that he'd go through things after a few years. That didn't happen and he'll say - It's all yours anyway.
So I've been going through his stuff and mine. It's rather overwhelming so I don't go far. I've been trying to sell things on ebay before I donate to see if it's worth anything; but that's just a slow process. Gosh help me should my mom pass anytime soon or I'm quickly moving everything to her house to them deal with everything from all the houses in one spot.
I keep telling my mom to start going through her things and she flat out told me she wasn't ready to part with her things yet. Okay if they bring her joy fine but there's stories of knick knacks that she has bad feelings of which I tell her it's time to let go the item.

 

[Poohlove]

When my grandfather passed away we had a heck of a time cleaning out his house. I made the 8 hour drive to his house several times over the course of a 3 month period to help my mom clean out the house since my aunts were unable to help her for various reasons. My mom lived with my grandfather at the time of his passing so she was unable to escape the daunting task and often worked on it a few hours a night for several months which fostered resentment and frustration and further damaged already fragile relationships with family members. On top of that she has tendencies to hang on to things - physical and otherwise - and is more of a binge cleaner than a routine cleaner. (She would put off doing daily things in favor of one big cleaning binge which often involved furniture rearrangement, etc.) Years before my grandparents passed they had my mom and two aunts go through the house to choose things that they wanted which was a help when it came to cleaning out the house. We worked room by room and used a variation of the keep/toss/sell/donate method. We had a yard sale and utilized an auction company. The auction was no where near as lucrative as expected although it was a help in moving things like yard equipment. Ultimately my mom (the trust) ended up hiring people to come and finish up because after months of what felt like nonstop work there was still so much left. The process was way more involved than cleaning out possessions, there are storage units, legal processes, paperwork, sibling rivalries, I am glad that it is all over. The trust was finally settled last year. It did give my mom a first hand look at what we will have to deal with when she passes and thankfully she has pared down some of her possessions and reworked her paperwork to make things easier for us.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My mother had a relatively small in-law apt with us. She kept it pretty neat and clean, as well as a 90-something year old could. (She would not accept any help cleaning or hire a cleaner.) I would sometimes go in to say hello and find her in a state of high anxiety, pacing, with clammy skin, and boxes and piles of papers all around her, etc. I would ask what she was doing, and she would say she was “trying to go through things”. I thought she was going to have a heart attack! The number of meaningless things I’ve found as I’ve been sorting through things is amazing, but she had trouble getting rid of them. (Like ancient addresses written on pieces of envelopes, bills from 1973, or old shopping lists, etc.)

As hard as it is for us to do, it’s equally hard, if not harder, for some of our elderly parents to do it, as well. I know Mom tried. But I would tell her not to worry about it. The reality is, that for a lot of us, it’s just going to be that way when our loved ones pass on - and when we pass on. Those left behind are just going to have to deal with it, I guess. I mean, do I think we should all go though as much as we can and try hard to leave things in order for our loves ones as best we can? Yes, I do. I just think that the reality is that not many people are actually going to be able to do it. Part of the problem is that we all have too much damn stuff! But that is a societal issue. If we lived in a hut in the jungle, we wouldn’t have as much.

 

[stitch'sgirl]

I firmly believe in karma....believe me, NO ONE escapes final Judgment Day.

Gosh I don't have any words. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[disykat]

My mother had a relatively small in-law apt with us. She kept it pretty neat and clean, as well as a 90-something year old could. (She would not accept any help cleaning or hire a cleaner.) I would sometimes go in to say hello and find her in a state of high anxiety, pacing, with clammy skin, and boxes and piles of papers all around her, etc. I would ask what she was doing, and she would say she was “trying to go through things”. I thought she was going to have a heart attack! The number of meaningless things I’ve found as I’ve been sorting through things is amazing, but she had trouble getting rid of them. (Like ancient addresses written on pieces of envelopes, bills from 1973, or old shopping lists, etc.)

As hard as it is for us to do, it’s equally hard, if not harder, for some of our elderly parents to do it, as well. I know Mom tried. But I would tell her not to worry about it. The reality is, that for a lot of us, it’s just going to be that way when our loved ones pass on - and when we pass on. Those left behind are just going to have to deal with it, I guess. I mean, do I think we should all go though as much as we can and try hard to leave things in order for our loves ones as best we can? Yes, I do. I just think that the reality is that not many people are actually going to be able to do it. Part of the problem is that we all have too much damn stuff! But that is a societal issue. If we lived in a hut in the jungle, we wouldn’t have as much.

As resentful as I am about my parent's stuff, I also agree with you. My mom did a good job of decluttering in her 60's but never dealt with the paperwork. They always said they would downsize when they got to "that age" to make things easier for everyone and then refused to budge once they got there and unfortunately both developed dementia. I am trying to learn from that and do a better job for my kids.

Even now, once I've finished dealing with my parent's home, I'll have to do my mom's apartment after she passes. Each visit I try to help her go through her current lists and organize a tiny bit. I bring home stuff so she won't get it back out of the trash can. I just tell her how much I love to organize and she lets me help. Today I brought home several newspapers, an empty kleenex box, some old church bulletins, and a bunch of little lists we went through together of things she wanted to remember to tell me. It's my job now because of her dementia, so I try not to let it get out of hand. She is so much calmer when the surfaces in her space are not full of all her notes! I have all her bills, etc. sent directly to me so I don't have to pry them out of her hands, LOL.

My plan (hope) is to continue to declutter in my 60's, do the prep to downsize by my mid 70's and make a plan that takes my adult kid's needs into consideration ready to be implemented when needed and STAY OPEN and ready to follow that plan as I age. (Please, God, help me do this!) My son, who has watched what we've gone through living long distance from both sets of parents and has been part of the brigade helping with their worst-case scenario emergencies and their properties, jokes that he wants me to tattoo "I will move into a smaller place near my children" on my arm along with my signature where he can make me look at it when I get stubborn. Not a bad idea, IMO. If my parents had moved 15 years ago when my dad was diagnosed, it would have been so much easier.

 

[LovesTimone]

We my grandmother passed away she was almost 97... It took my mom and I, a full year to go through the house... My grandmother came from a big family and grew up during the depression... They never threw any thing away.. really never threw anything away. We had to go through every card, and envelope, slip of paper, I can not tell you how much cash we found, Gift card, and checks... along with jars and jars of buttons, canning jar cases of them, as well as any kitchen tool, utensil, tons of kitchen gadgets, cook books over 100... plus all of my grandfather stuff he died almost 20 years before she passed away...

So just recently I was helping my mom put some stuff away, and found boxes and boxes of stuff that she brought from my grandmothers house.. I was speechless..

 

[kymom99]

I’ve just started with all of this. Mom passed away three and a half weeks ago. She lived alone in our very large family home even though Dad passed five years ago and all of us kids are long gone. She was never sick until she was. Lost her balance leaning over to charge her phone, ER just to get checked out, bloodwork ran, more blood tests and they confirmed Multiple Myeloma (blood cancer). Five weeks later she was gone. Only one out of three of my siblings still live in the same state as Mom and she’s recovering from breast cancer treatments so this has fallen on me from 600 miles away. My other two siblings can’t be bothered, want nothing to do with clearing out the house and apparently will just wait for their share of the estate. I’m beyond overwhelmed, angry and every other emotion. I went up there as soon as my sister called and just got back home after spending six weeks there. I don’t even know where to start. She lived in a fairly rural area so donate/post for free resources I have here won’t be an option there. The house should have had a good clearing out when Dad passed but that never happened. I can’t imagine going through 60+ years of stuff and throwing out things that meant so much to Mom but it’s just not practical, financially or otherwise to move things here. Our youngest graduated college last year so DH and I have already started cleaning out our own house. I don’t understand how two of my siblings can so easily say they won’t deal with anything. I haven’t even had a minute to grieve with their nonsense and I’m due back up there in two weeks. I’m hoping to make some calls soon about dumpster rental, etc. and then fighting with the siblings to help pay for that. I’m just trying to focus on doing what has to be done so I don’t completely lose my mind. Sending good thoughts for others dealing with a similar situation.

Are you in charge of her estate? If not, save your receipts snd have the estate reimburse you.

 

[kymom99]

I’m in a unique situation because we bought my parents house after mom died. So some stuff just kind of stayed here. Mom wasn’t a packrat but she had a fair amount of stuff just the same. Dad unfortunately was a pack rat. My husband had to pitch a lot of stuff out of the garage. We will be moving in about 6 months snd I’m finally going to have to get rid of some things. But like I told my husband, mom isn’t going with us to the new house. Some of these little things I have kept around here are going to finally go if they are not things I can use. There are some things she got as gifts that mean nothing to me. Why would I pack those? I just have a hard time letting go of things.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We my grandmother passed away she was almost 97... It took my mom and I, a full year to go through the house... My grandmother came from a big family and grew up during the depression... They never threw any thing away.. really never threw anything away. We had to go through every card, and envelope, slip of paper, I can not tell you how much cash we found, Gift card, and checks... along with jars and jars of buttons, canning jar cases of them, as well as any kitchen tool, utensil, tons of kitchen gadgets, cook books over 100... plus all of my grandfather stuff he died almost 20 years before she passed away...

So just recently I was helping my mom put some stuff away, and found boxes and boxes of stuff that she brought from my grandmothers house.. I was speechless..

My mother was from that same age group! They saved everything!