CIA ASKS CNN TO FIND OSAMA
Other Key Government Duties to be Shifted to Cable Channels, White House Says
One day after CNN revealed that it had found a secret cache of al Qaeda videotapes that had somehow eluded its own agents, the CIA made an official request that CNN now turn its attention to finding Osama bin Laden.
We would very much appreciate the Cable News Networks assuming the task of locating Mr. bin Laden -- and once they have done so, to please let us know where he is, a spokesman for the CIA said.
CNN, responding to the CIAs request, said that the network was flattered to be asked to do the CIAs job for them, but said that it was currently occupied with planning for a highly competitive fall TV season.
In Washington, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer defended the controversial decision to shift the mission of finding Osama to CNN.
We have no doubt that, given the proper amount of time, personnel, and funding, the CIA could find Osama bin Laden, Mr. Fleischer said. We just think CNN can find him faster.
The CIAs request that CNN take over the Osama-finding operation is part of a general trend to shift government functions to cable television channels, White House aides said.
Under a plan currently under consideration by President Bush, all agriculture policy would be determined by the Food Channel, military tribunals would be handled by executives at Court TV, and the Bush economic program would shift to the Sci-Fi Channel.
*****Borowitz Reports*****
Other Key Government Duties to be Shifted to Cable Channels, White House Says
One day after CNN revealed that it had found a secret cache of al Qaeda videotapes that had somehow eluded its own agents, the CIA made an official request that CNN now turn its attention to finding Osama bin Laden.
We would very much appreciate the Cable News Networks assuming the task of locating Mr. bin Laden -- and once they have done so, to please let us know where he is, a spokesman for the CIA said.
CNN, responding to the CIAs request, said that the network was flattered to be asked to do the CIAs job for them, but said that it was currently occupied with planning for a highly competitive fall TV season.
In Washington, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer defended the controversial decision to shift the mission of finding Osama to CNN.
We have no doubt that, given the proper amount of time, personnel, and funding, the CIA could find Osama bin Laden, Mr. Fleischer said. We just think CNN can find him faster.
The CIAs request that CNN take over the Osama-finding operation is part of a general trend to shift government functions to cable television channels, White House aides said.
Under a plan currently under consideration by President Bush, all agriculture policy would be determined by the Food Channel, military tribunals would be handled by executives at Court TV, and the Bush economic program would shift to the Sci-Fi Channel.
*****Borowitz Reports*****
