Christmas Gift Giving - Right or Wrong? (Sorry long)

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I am looking for any answers, no need to worry if you disagree, I am wearing a flame-proof jumpsuit today!

Background: My brother is not working and my sister is newly on SSD so her budget well just plain sucks. My mother is always complaining how everyone comes to her for money. "Note", please see first sentence, it's not my family asking.

The Straw that broke my back: DS15 visits my Mom at least 3 times a week to watch movies with her. Great kid, loves her to death, but she has been telling him "things he really doesn't need to know" during the visits. The latest was that she wasted money taking my sister to Florida to see my daughter perform at MK. Let's just keep it at my feelings are really hurt right now, so my reaction was:

I called my whole family and said NO GIFT GIVING this Christmas. They will get a card from me and a hug. They know we love them and honestly no one can afford to exchange and I don't really need anymore $1.00 Store gifts (I know, I am waiting, call me ungrateful).

My mother is so pissed at me that she didn't even say good-bye during the call, my Sister understands but her tones appears that she doesn't agree, and my brother hasn't called me back but I am sure he will be fine with it, not his wife (she's a Dollar Store junkie), but he will be grateful, I am sure of it.

Was I wrong? Am I Scrooge or am I being practical? If it helps, DH agrees with me that none of them can afford to give and that they all are going into debt to keep the gift-giving charade going strong.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I already told my family I am NOT buying gifts for them. So I see nothing wrong here.

All of us are strapped right now.

 

[minniecarousel]

I am looking for any answers, no need to worry if you disagree, I am wearing a flame-proof jumpsuit today!

Background: My brother is not working and my sister is newly on SSD so her budget well just plain sucks. My mother is always complaining how everyone comes to her for money. "Note", please see first sentence, it's not my family asking.

The Straw that broke my back: DS15 visits my Mom at least 3 times a week to watch movies with her. Great kid, loves her to death, but she has been telling him "things he really doesn't need to know" during the visits. The latest was that she wasted money taking my sister to Florida to see my daughter perform at MK. Let's just keep it at my feelings are really hurt right now, so my reaction was:

I called my whole family and said NO GIFT GIVING this Christmas. They will get a card from me and a hug. They know we love them and honestly no one can afford to exchange and I don't really need anymore $1.00 Store gifts (I know, I am waiting, call me ungrateful).

My mother is so pissed at me that she didn't even say good-bye during the call, my Sister understands but her tones appears that she doesn't agree, and my brother hasn't called me back but I am sure he will be fine with it, not his wife (she's a Dollar Store junkie), but he will be grateful, I am sure of it.

Was I wrong? Am I Scrooge or am I being practical? If it helps, DH agrees with me that none of them can afford to give and that they all are going into debt to keep the gift-giving charade going strong.

Well, someone has to bite the bullet and say: ENOUGH! They'll get over it.

Do you all get together on/near Christmas? Maybe your mother is worried that you won't even get together.

 

[phorsenuf]

I am looking for any answers, no need to worry if you disagree, I am wearing a flame-proof jumpsuit today!

Background: My brother is not working and my sister is newly on SSD so her budget well just plain sucks. My mother is always complaining how everyone comes to her for money. "Note", please see first sentence, it's not my family asking.

The Straw that broke my back: DS15 visits my Mom at least 3 times a week to watch movies with her. Great kid, loves her to death, but she has been telling him "things he really doesn't need to know" during the visits. The latest was that she wasted money taking my sister to Florida to see my daughter perform at MK. Let's just keep it at my feelings are really hurt right now, so my reaction was:

I called my whole family and said NO GIFT GIVING this Christmas. They will get a card from me and a hug. They know we love them and honestly no one can afford to exchange and I don't really need anymore $1.00 Store gifts (I know, I am waiting, call me ungrateful).

My mother is so pissed at me that she didn't even say good-bye during the call, my Sister understands but her tones appears that she doesn't agree, and my brother hasn't called me back but I am sure he will be fine with it, not his wife (she's a Dollar Store junkie), but he will be grateful, I am sure of it.

Was I wrong? Am I Scrooge or am I being practical? If it helps, DH agrees with me that none of them can afford to give and that they all are going into debt to keep the gift-giving charade going strong.

Depends. If you did it because of finances, I guess I could see that. If you did it because your feelings were hurt, then I don't agree. If you don't like dollar store "crap", then come up with another solution. Maybe handmade gifts, baked goods, whatever.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I already told my family I am NOT buying gifts for them. So I see nothing wrong here.

All of us are strapped right now.

Phew... at least the one reply agrees with me. Seriously though, now that I am cooling done from the comment, each Christmas gets more ridiculous than the last. I am really glad I said something, even though the reason why isn't really nice.

 

[bas71873]

I see nothing wrong with it at all, in fact, I wish my husband's family would get on board with the idea. I'm tired of swapping gift cards with family OR just being told of 1 item they want and so they know exactly what's coming.

But, I digress. Maybe it was just the approach that you took that everyone found offensive. I think first, you need to just have a chat with your mom about the things she shares with your DS. Just ask her not to burden him with those kinds of things (BTW, I'd be beyond hurt over the comment she made about going to FL to see your DD perform...my MIL says hurtful things like that all the time).

Maybe get back together with mom and the siblings and just agree to spend the day together on Christmas or Christmas Eve (whenever). Cook a big meal and just spend time together. We've kind of gone this route on my side of the family. I no longer swap $$ with my aunts, uncles & cousins, nor my own brother and his wife, but we buy for each others kids. He's military and money is tight with them so it's just better that way. Last year was the first time in almost 10 years I actually spent the holidays with my brother. They were at my house for 3 days and it was the most chaotic and fun time EVER! We still exchange with my parents, but we set a $$ limit.

My in-laws are a whole other debacle and I just can't seem to get the point across that swapping a $50 gift card with my two (often unemployed) SILs just doesn't need to happen anymore. It's ridiculous.

Good luck and hope it works out for you!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, when DH's family shifted from always doing gifts to not no one made any sort of ultimatum like your post seems to indicate you did.
People floated the idea that it might be nice not to give adult gifts any more and how would everyone feel about that. Then we had a nice discussion via email (in January--honestly by August half our shopping is done so if you were not giving gifts this year it would be waaaaay to late to tell me, or my mother in law now). That worked well. What we ended up doing for a few years was a white elephant type thing where everyone still got a gift but the idea was to find the weirdest thing you could (not very expensive at all and many items came from yard sales)--it made for really FUN Christmases.

It has now evolved further and those who want to buy gifts do and those who do not want to (or who cannot afford to) do not. Sometimes some of us buy gifts for a few people but not all--if you see something you know someone else will just love you pick it up without feeling obligated to then buy for everyone else too. I lvoe the lack of any petty tit for tat stuff.

This year will be our first trip back to the US since we moved to Germany 2 years ago. We are getting stocking stuffers for everyone (good German candies, French soap, etc.) AND a funny, silly, oddball German something for everybody just for the laughs. We DID ask that people recall we have to get home with limited baggage IF they want to get us anything--but everyone knows no gifts are required.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Well, someone has to bite the bullet and say: ENOUGH! They'll get over it.

Do you all get together on/near Christmas? Maybe your mother is worried that you won't even get together.

Actually this year my sister is hosting. First time for her. Another reason her budget will be strapped. She doesn't realize the cost and time it takes to have everyone over. And yes we will be there for Christmas. Everyone will be there, and from what I understand, they will be exchanging gifts, just not us.

 

[VAN]

I totally agree with you. I don't know why adults outside of your spouse and children HAVE to be given a gift. My family (which is large) only gives a gift to their godchildren until they turn 18. We would always get our parents a gift ... sometimes just putting in for a larger present, but many times just some cashews or puzzle book. They would always say they didn't need anything and ... they really didn't. It was just a token gift.

Stick to your guns ... you are absolutely right! Christmas is about celebrating the Lord's birth and about being with family ... it shouldn't be about "buying stuff" and seeing who can get the best present.

Joy to the World .....

 

[design_mom]

Hmmm. I’m torn on this one. If you chose not to give gifts this year for whatever personal reasons you had, then I think that would be fine. You would be making a decision for yourself, and while they might not like it, it’s your decision to make. Your family could still decide to give gifts, or not, among themselves, but you’re out.

If you said “None of us are exchanging gifts,” I think you overstepped the boundaries. It sounds like your heart was in the right place, but if they are adults, they have the right to make their own decisions. Perhaps SUGGESTING that you quit (or limit) the gift exchange, would have been better than decreeing it. To me, gift-giving is a fun part of the holiday, and I would scrimp wherever possible to be able to do that – even if it was just a handmade Christmas tree ornament, or a batch of cookies or something.

Also, if you said “I don’t really need any more Dollar Store gifts” that was really rude. (I couldn’t tell if you actually said it, or just thought it.)

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Depends. If you did it because of finances, I guess I could see that. If you did it because your feelings were hurt, then I don't agree. If you don't like dollar store "crap", then come up with another solution. Maybe handmade gifts, baked goods, whatever.

I did it originally because I was mad. But as I wrote out the post, I started to really realize that they don't have the money - there creating the Dollar Tree gifts. I would have loved a hand-made gift, even a hand-made card. But trust me, they would never do it. I would at least try, but I am positive they would shoot the idea down. (actually they have in the past so that is how I know)

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Hmmm. I’m torn on this one. If you chose not to give gifts this year for whatever personal reasons you had, then I think that would be fine. You would be making a decision for yourself, and while they might not like it, it’s your decision to make. Your family could still decide to give gifts, or not, among themselves, but you’re out.

If you said “None of us are exchanging gifts,” I think you overstepped the boundaries. It sounds like your heart was in the right place, but if they are adults, they have the right to make their own decisions. Perhaps SUGGESTING that you quit (or limit) the gift exchange, would have been better than decreeing it. To me, gift-giving is a fun part of the holiday, and I would scrimp wherever possible to be able to do that – even if it was just a handmade Christmas tree ornament, or a batch of cookies or something.

Also, if you said “I don’t really need any more Dollar Store gifts” that was really rude. (I couldn’t tell if you actually said it, or just thought it.)

Oh gosh NO, I would never tell them I didn't want the Dollar store crap. I could never do that. And they are still exchanging from what I understand, we are just out. The only thing I may have said that was rude was that we would not accept gifts. I guess that is rude, but if I don't start now, it will never stop.

 

[Rora]

I don't see anything wrong with what you said, at all.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think you are wrong to make that decision for yourself, but I don't think you should dictate that to the rest of the family, even if you were doing it for the right reasons.

Did you suggest no gifts, or did you demand that nobody give gifts, that makes a difference.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I don't think you are wrong to make that decision for yourself, but I don't think you should dictate that to the rest of the family, even if you were doing it for the right reasons.

Did you suggest no gifts, or did you demand that nobody give gifts, that makes a difference.

I said flat out that my family would not be buying gifts or accepting them. I did not say/ask them to stop if they wanted to. If they want to still exchange, I see no problem with that. Well I do think it's irresponsible when you don't have it, but that's not my call. I only said what my family would be doing. Does this make any sense??

 

[MushyMushy]

We pretty much stopped all the gift exchanges too.

What I really noticed was how out of line your mother was! She should never have shared something your sister may have said in frustration. I'm sure it did hurt, but I bet with the financial difficulties she was probably just venting something that you were never meant to hear. And never should have heard.

 

[luvmy3]

I said flat out that my family would not be buying gifts or accepting them. I did not say/ask them to stop if they wanted to. If they want to still exchange, I see no problem with that. Well I do think it's irresponsible when you don't have it, but that's not my call. I only said what my family would be doing. Does this make any sense??

Yes, that makes sense, I wasn't sure if it was just for you (and dh, and your kids) or for the entire extended family. I don't think you did anything wrong making the decision not to participate in a gift exchange.

 

[okeydokey]

I said flat out that my family would not be buying gifts or accepting them. I did not say/ask them to stop if they wanted to. If they want to still exchange, I see no problem with that. Well I do think it's irresponsible when you don't have it, but that's not my call. I only said what my family would be doing. Does this make any sense??

I think your approach sounded mean spirited. If you wanted the family to stop giving gifts, you could have offered up the suggestion and let the family know that you wanted to change things this year. To flat out say that you would refuse to accept a gift given by family sounds awful. I can't imagine telling my Mom that her child and grandchildren would not be accepting her gift.

I do understand the idea to tone down gift giving, as we did this in my family this year. My SIL offered up the idea that we stop adult gifts and just buy for the kids and we all agreed and there were no hurt feelings. It was the way it was presented that made this an easy step for us.

 

[Scurvy]

I said flat out that my family would not be buying gifts or accepting them. I did not say/ask them to stop if they wanted to. If they want to still exchange, I see no problem with that. Well I do think it's irresponsible when you don't have it, but that's not my call. I only said what my family would be doing. Does this make any sense??

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with choosing not to give gifts, but I don't think you should have included the bolded. It isn't really your place to decide if someone else can afford to be buying things, and it's possible some people might have already gotten you a gift. Telling people you would prefer not to exchange gifts is fine. Telling them you won't be giving gifts is great. But in my opinion, telling someone you will not accept gifts is somewhat rude.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I think your approach sounded mean spirited. If you wanted the family to stop giving gifts, you could have offered up the suggestion and let the family know that you wanted to change things this year. To flat out say that you would refuse to accept a gift given by family sounds awful. I can't imagine telling my Mom that her child and grandchildren would not be accepting her gift.

I do understand the idea to tone down gift giving, as we did this in my family this year. My SIL offered up the idea that we stop adult gifts and just buy for the kids and we all agreed and there were no hurt feelings. It was the way it was presented that made this an easy step for us.

I actually agree with you. It does come across rude. But for the life of me I can not figure out how else to put it. If I said we wanted to stop, everyone would still buy for us and we would sit there accepting gifts and not giving them. I would feel very uncomfortable. I seriously do not want them to spend the money.

There is no middle ground with my family. There is no reasoning. It is and always has been an all or nothing situation. I will accept that is was rude, and now that I think about it, I will tell my mother that it is her decision to buy for the kids (they really aren't kids anymore 18 & 15) but that if she does decide to buy for them that I would like her to exchange it away from the "party" and that my decision to stop is not going to change. I fully intend to make a nice card for my Mother. Maybe a collage with some pictures and Santa hats. But I am not going back, the purchasing (it is different than giving) stops here.