Christmas Gift Giving - Right or Wrong? (Sorry long)

[Tinker'n'Fun]

We pretty much stopped all the gift exchanges too.

What I really noticed was how out of line your mother was! She should never have shared something your sister may have said in frustration. I'm sure it did hurt, but I bet with the financial difficulties she was probably just venting something that you were never meant to hear. And never should have heard.

I was upset when I was typing and may have very poorly chose some wording.

DD danced at the MK. My mother paid for my sister to come along with her. My mother than decided afterwards that it was not "worth" it to her to have paid for them to go (buyers remorse). It's her money, and if she feels that way who am I to say anything, but DON'T tell my son this is how you feel, and don't let me find out, because now I feel like my kids are not worth anything to her. It truly makes me sad, if she didn't have the money, I would have preferred she didn't go at all, than to be made to feel guilty afterwards. I am sure my son told my daughter also, and both now feel like crud!!

 

[golfgal]

We went from buying for everyone to drawing names to doing a gift-grab game to donating money to a charity. No one needs anything and it was getting pretty hard to figure out what to buy. All the grandkids still got presents but none of the adults. It was SO nice.

My guess is that everyone was hoping to get something from YOU since they are so strapped for cash and that is why they are upset.

 

[scrapquitler]

Depends. If you did it because of finances, I guess I could see that. If you did it because your feelings were hurt, then I don't agree. If you don't like dollar store "crap", then come up with another solution. Maybe handmade gifts, baked goods, whatever.

I agree with this.

I would have called my Mother and spoken to her about what she said to my son, and yes, I would have been rather upset about it. But using THAT as a reason to declare "No Christmas Gifts" doesn't make sense. Even if "No Christmas gifts" makes senst for other reasons.

 

[kirstenb1]

I think it's a touchy topic that needs to be handled with some finesse. I realize you were frustrated and probably not in a "finesse" mood. What's done is done. If you're looking for a way to (maybe) smooth this over you could call your brother and sister, and reiterate that while you want to forgo gifts for each other and the kids, maybe you could all chip in for a modest gift for your mom (it sounds like she really hurt your feelings, so then again, maybe not!) It's just something my siblings and I have decided to do over the years, instead of buying for each other.

 

[ccgirl]

So...did you say no gift giving our of spite and hurt feelings or is it a financial thing? We stopped giving to adults a long time ago. I buy for my mom and that's it. No brothers, sister, BiL, SiL. I do buy for my nieces and nephews. However, if i could not afford it, I would not hesitate to not give presents. One year, I donated to charities. To me, Christmas isn't about gifts. Good luck with your decision.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I agree with this.

I would have called my Mother and spoken to her about what she said to my son, and yes, I would have been rather upset about it. But using THAT as a reason to declare "No Christmas Gifts" doesn't make sense. Even if "No Christmas gifts" makes senst for other reasons.

Yes it was my original reason, but now that it was said, the underlying reasons are more compelling to stop the gifts. My brother has been in/out of a job for as long as I can remember. He does not have enough money to buy gifts and it is very apparent. By me putting down this rule for my family, I think I am helping him out. My sister is newly disabled and her income is way below anything she has ever seen in her lifetime. She is new to budgeting.

There is only 1 child in the entire family under the age of 12. We will continue to buy for her until she is 16. I do not expect her parents to purchase anything in return for her gift. I actually prefer they don't. A gift is given without expectation of a return gift. That is what got us in this problem in the first place...

My sister is a God-parent to one of my children, so gifts went out for that reason, and then gifts because they are aunts/uncles, etc. It is over the top and someone needed to be the adult and put their foot down. It was me. The reason I began with was really poor and rude, but the end result really is the right thing to do. Well I think it is the right thing to do. If I am wrong, I will admit it, but Christmas is still a bit away...

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I think it's a touchy topic that needs to be handled with some finesse. I realize you were frustrated and probably not in a "finesse" mood. What's done is done. If you're looking for a way to (maybe) smooth this over you could call your brother and sister, and reiterate that while you want to forgo gifts for each other and the kids, maybe you could all chip in for a modest gift for your mom (it sounds like she really hurt your feelings, so then again, maybe not!) It's just something my siblings and I have decided to do over the years, instead of buying for each other.

Do to extremely different personalities/lifestyles a group gift is totally out of the question. My mother does not "need" anything, and I am going to stand by my home-made card by everyone in my family for her. It won't cost us anything but our time, and I think the gift speaks volumes vs. the dollars that are usually spent.

The original call that was rude was with my mother. I called her back, apologized, and told her that if she wanted to purchase for my children that she has every right to do so, and that I was wrong. I asked her if she could please do it away from the "gift giving" party time, and that she respect my wishes to stop all gifts from our family. I also asked that she not get DH and I anything as we do not need any gifts, just a nice card. I hope she respects my wishes as I feel I did hers. I still believe she shouldn't have to buy for my kids anymore but it makes her happy, I have no right to tell her not to.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with choosing not to give gifts, but I don't think you should have included the bolded. It isn't really your place to decide if someone else can afford to be buying things, and it's possible some people might have already gotten you a gift. Telling people you would prefer not to exchange gifts is fine. Telling them you won't be giving gifts is great. But in my opinion, telling someone you will not accept gifts is somewhat rude.

I totally agree with this. About the only situations I can think of in which it is okay to refuse to except a gift are:

the gift is an animal (no one should put the burden of taking care of a pet on someone else)

the gift requires that the recipient pay some sort of fee (like if you gave someone DVC and they would then have to pay the maintenance fees--they should be able to say thanks but no thanks). Sorry OP but you lost me at this

The positions of the gifter and giftee could cause the gift to be viewed as a bribe (teacher/student or employee/vendor, etc.)

Otherwise, YES it is rude and presumptuous to tell someone else whether or not they may give you something.

 

[pospisil]

I did this 2 years ago, and don't regret it a bit! We still buy for the kids in the family, but no adults, except DH and I exchange a little something.

 

[usnuzuloose]

We dont have much to buy for family members, we give about 40 per couple and it is usually to there fav resturant. We spend about 120.00 for 3 different couples. But my DH brother does not work and his wife makes 6 fig income. She keeps sending stuff we will never use. Hats, shirts, and stuff they get into selling different products. That for his side of the family. But for her daughter it is, well lets say she will shop at juicy couture. I just would not rather get stuff we will never use and have her stop spending money for no good reason. Jo

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I totally agree with this. About the only situations I can think of in which it is okay to refuse to except a gift are:

the gift is an animal (no one should put the burden of taking care of a pet on someone else)

the gift requires that the recipient pay some sort of fee (like if you gave someone DVC and they would then have to pay the maintenance fees--they should be able to say thanks but no thanks). Sorry OP but you lost me at this

The positions of the gifter and giftee could cause the gift to be viewed as a bribe (teacher/student or employee/vendor, etc.)

Otherwise, YES it is rude and presumptuous to tell someone else whether or not they may give you something.

I just want to say that I told my brother and sister that I was stopping Christmas gifts and I asked that they respect my decision and I asked that they also stop purchasing for my family. I did not demand that they are to stop, I asked them to please stop. I hope in that in the whole scheme of this that is was less rude and presumptuous to ask rather than demand and if I didn't say something like we would not be accepting gifts, it would have fallen on deaf ears. Rude, yes I guess so. Necessary, yes also. I guess sometimes you just have to say it as it is. There would never be an end if I didn't. I guess if it came across as terribly rude, next year I won't have to worry, because I won't get an invite.

I was the first to admit that I didn't handle this well. It was in the heat of the moment but actually in the end, it was what I should have done a LONG time ago. Now that it is out there and I have apologized to my mother (she hasn't accepted my apology yet, so I really don't know how that will end) I feel better. I am looking forward to making our cards and to the less stress there will be not having to get this gift and that gift, and if this person will like it or not. They are all adults. I am pretty sure Christmas shouldn't be about the gifts anymore.

 

[AmberHeartsDisney]

Christmas should be about family and not presents anyways. I think saying no is ok.

 

[happygirl]

If you don't want to buy for anyone that is your right, I think it's kinda of rude for you to demand people stop buying for your family.

 

[design_mom]

If I said we wanted to stop, everyone would still buy for us and we would sit there accepting gifts and not giving them. I would feel very uncomfortable.

There is only 1 child in the entire family under the age of 12. We will continue to buy for her until she is 16. I do not expect her parents to purchase anything in return for her gift. I actually prefer they don't. A gift is given without expectation of a return gift.

These two quotes seem at odds. You intend to buy for your relative until she's 16, but won't let your 15 year old accept gifts. You say "a gift is given without expectation of a return gift." But if you *really* believe that, what makes you uncomfortable about accepting gifts that your family will give? You've given them fair warning that you won't be buying.

I think your heart is in the right place (it does sound like some of your family members probably don't have a lot of money to spend) -- and I fully respect your right to simplify your holiday if you choose. However, it sounds like you're overstepping the boundaries by telling people that you won't accept their gifts, asking your mother not to give your children their gifts at your Christmas party, etc. They are adults who can make their own decisions. You can't control others. You can only control yourself.

 

[GJM]

We don't exchange gifts anymore - we just buy for the kids. Honestly there is nothing I want, it got to the point where we were all exchanging gift cards.

Something we have done with DH family is - we would all pick a gift and "make a gift" we couldn't spend more then $10 - we would exchange these on Christmas Eve when we all got together. it was alot of fun to see what everyone made.

 

[tink1978]

From what you wrote it appears that you called off gift giving because your feelings were hurt rather than for financial reasons (even though you gave some information about your brother and sister as a justification for your decision). I personally wouldn't get back at my family by not purchasing gifts for Christmas. That being said, it is really your decision and it doesn't matter what I would do. Just make sure that you feel good about your decision.

 

[donac]

On my side we just buy for the kids and the unmarried sisters and even one of them doesn't want anything.

we still exchange with all of dh's family. I wish we could stop. I really don't need the stuff they get me or dh.


Dh and I are at the time in our lives where we really don't need anything. Dh's birthday is Sunday and there is nothing he needs or wants.

Good luck

 

[Pakey]

I made this choice about a a decade ago. There was no drama involved but I just thought it was ridiculous that we were spending so much time shopping for so many people. The remainder of my family still exchanges gifts with one another. If we are spending Christmas with them, we just make it a point to arrive after they have done their gift extravaganza.

I think my mother was hurt at first but she is fine with it now. My brothers have never mentioned it so I don't think it bothered them at all.

My inlaws were all fine with it. When we stopped, they all stopped.

 

[ugadog99]

I have been putting off having this exact same conversation with my brother. For us, it's going to be more than no gifts, too. I am ALWAYS the one to host and do ALL the cooking. No more..... My "no gift" conversation is also going to come with a no get together ending. I only want my girls, me, and my animals here at my home for the entire holiday season, meaning Thanksgiving through Christmas. I have plenty of reasons for wanting it this way, and for once in my life I am NOT giving in to my brother.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

These two quotes seem at odds. You intend to buy for your relative until she's 16, but won't let your 15 year old accept gifts. You say "a gift is given without expectation of a return gift." But if you *really* believe that, what makes you uncomfortable about accepting gifts that your family will give? You've given them fair warning that you won't be buying.

I think your heart is in the right place (it does sound like some of your family members probably don't have a lot of money to spend) -- and I fully respect your right to simplify your holiday if you choose. However, it sounds like you're overstepping the boundaries by telling people that you won't accept their gifts, asking your mother not to give your children their gifts at your Christmas party, etc. They are adults who can make their own decisions. You can't control others. You can only control yourself.

Yes, my son is 15, close to 16. The reason I am stopping him a year early is that my siblings clearly had a bad year. They do not have the money and rather than cause them a hardship, I am cutting my son off a little early. I would make up to him for those gifts, and he is well aware of the stoppage of gifts. I spoke to him. He is aware of it.

I agree, they are adults and ultimately they will make their own decisions, but I did ask them to please not buy. Will they, I won't know until Christmas Eve.