Christmas drama

[Magic Mom]

You're likely going to have a much better xmas than you would have had if she'd been there!!

Just curious......what, if anything, does your dad say about all this? I know in a lot of families, the women are the ones who do all the arrangements etc, but I'm wondering if it's going to be bothersome to him that he and his wife won't be travelling to see you.

This is their way...he grumps about something to do with me. Not serious, just grumping. She then turns it into me being the worst daughter in the world. But she doesn't tell him that. She secretly comes to me under the pretense that she is protecting him. She used to write me letters about how thoughtless/selfish/inconsiderate/fill in the blank I was to him. He won't hear a bad word about her. We live far away so i don't have to deal with her in person except a few times a year so I've been able to handle it, but for some reason this nonesense has set me off.

My kids love her and she treats them very wel, and she is nice to DH and even nice to me (in front of Dad), but she loves to play this gossip, passive aggresive crap.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Seriously, if you say one word to open all of this back up, she could end up at your home over Christmas just to spite you!!!!

Vent here...
Vent away...
But, then just ignore her!

It sounds like she is just one of those woman who is like a middle-school girl with all of the gossip and drama and mind-games... Just don't play!

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh my goodness! I don't even know you, but even I can see that you haven't lived with your husband in something like 5 years...you NEED time ALONE now!!!!! I know a woman at the Y whose hubby has lived in the DC area for something like 3 years, he barely got to come home for their older son's wedding, now he's been sent off to Iraq...she misses him dreadfully! I'm sure when he finally gets home, those two aren't leaving the house for weeks (though they do have a younger son as well, he's 9, so they might have to send him off, LOL).

Your family can't see what a stranger online can see. I'm just so sorry. Just ignore them.

My dear, stay home with your husband, talk, whisper, plan, snuggle up in front of a fire, hold hands, have wild, reckless sex, get tangled up in the tinsel!

and do not, repeat do not give a second thought to any negative vibes. You my dear are not doing one dang thing wrong.. at all.....

Exactly.

She used to write me letters about how thoughtless/selfish/inconsiderate/fill in the blank I was to him. He won't hear a bad word about her.

I'd have to consider simply sending her letters to him...I wouldn't be saying anything bad about her; SHE would be. Can't he see that it's his grumping that's causing her to do this?



But put it out of your mind, and have fun with your husband.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Wow...what a way to create something out of nothing.

MTE!

Your stepmom sounds like quite the pot-stirrer. I have another word I'd rather use, but it isn't Dis-friendly.

I know it's tough to ignore this kind of drama and take the high road. I would allow myself to be seething mad about it for a day or two, then force myself to forget about it. Think about the peaceful Christmas you'll be enjoying at home with your husband and kids instead.

 

[superme80]

I offer nothing but , best wishes on and a jar of Nutella. You have earned it. Have a wonderful quiet Christmas with your DH. Ignore your step mom, as hard as that is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am so angry right now. Feel free to flame me all you want, but I have to get this out or I am going to say something to my step mother that I might regret.

Dh has been overseas for 3 years. He went to Germany, and we stayed back because DS was in the middle of his senior year. Then when DS was graduated and settled at college, we found out Dh was going to Afghanistan later that year, so we stayed in the states. Why sell the house, quit my job and uproot dd to live alone overseas...then after Afghanistan they extended his Germany tour a year. It was very stressful for all of us. We have a lot of relationship building to do.

He came home for good in Nov. At Thanksgiving we went to his family's house (11 hours away). That was a flippin circus...not what we needed, but he felt he had to go because he hadn't seen them in so long.

Now it's Christmas. My mom usually comes up, but since Ds can't come home because of work, she wanted to stay in Florida so he could spend Christmas day at her house. So my dad and his wife call and suggest we drive down to Florida for a "Big family Christmas" with all the cousins. I said NO. I explained that Dh and I needed to stay home. We need to regroup, but they were welcome to come up here since mom isn't coming. My step mom made a "joke" that I didn't want to drive, but was OK making the "old people" drive. Only we both know it wasn't a joke. But it was settled, they were coming.

So tonight I am on the phone with my mom and she mentions that she is sorry, my dad won't be coming to visit. "What?" She said my step mom called and told her they weren't coming because it wasn't fair that I "expected" them to make the trip. I didn't expect ANYTHING. She made the same "old people" comment to my mom as she made to me. She made a big deal that I was being thoughtless.

I tried to call them to ask them if the plans have changed, but no answer at the office or at the house. You know I'm fine if they can't come. I completely understand, but don't make me feel guilty for taking care of my family...and don't bad mouth me to my mother (and I'm sure the rest of the family if history is any indication of current actions).

Give me advice, flame me, tell me I'm a piece of garbage, I don't care, I am about to burst I am so angry. That woman knows how to twist a situation and I am sick to death of how she gossips about me and my brother. He has cut them out of his life. I cant do that to my father though.

Not sure why you are "garbage"?

You don't have to "cut people out either".

You have heightened emotions with your dh coming home and so the usual slights by your step mom feels really awful right now.

So, sit back, accept they will not be there and enjoy your holiday. You will see them another time.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Personally, I think that your Stepmother is stirring the pot so don't play into her game. Just stay home with your husband and do what you want to do. If she calls explain to her that you are staying home, don't fall into her trap and just do what you have to do. Your Stepmother is being a real pill.

 

[Lucky4me]

(Your Mom wanted to stay in FL to be with HER ds or YOUR ds? I'm confused.)

Not sure why your Father didn't say no in the first place. Maybe he didnt want to disappoint you? I can understand both of your reasons for not wanting to travel that far, or in your case, just stay home with your immediate family. It must have been extremely difficult being apart for so long.
I wouldn't let it bother me. They are older and probably more comfortable not traveling so far. I would be gracious about it. Tell them you'll call on Christmas and maybe you can all visit another time.

Then I'd forget about all of it and try to have the best Christmas ever! Your dh is home and safe.
It doesn't get any better than that!

You only have control over your own emotions and feelings, can't do a thing about anyone elses. So no sense in getting worked up over a mean, gossipy step Monster. Just let it roll off your back and enjoy this special holiday with your husband.

 

[Liandro]

Just curious but where was you're hubby stationed in Germany?
And thank you and those that serve there country.
We visit Margraten a few times a year and are always very and deeply impressed and sad seeing thousands of young Americans,almost children, being buried in foreign soil.


http://www.abmc.gov/cemeteries/cemeteries/ne.php

 

[luv2mickey]

Take care of yourself and family first! You owe that to your husband and kids! Don't let the drama ruin your time with your family try to let it go!

 

[Aliceacc]

Since you haven't heard from them directly, I would act as though nothing had changed.

Friday evening, call their cell. Ask where they are and what time they expect to arrive on Saturday. Tell them their room is ready, the table is set, the turkey is defrosted, and their presents are under the tree. Gush with excitement and don't give her the chance to interrupt until you've laid out all the preparations you've made for their visit.

Let her stew all week, waiting for your angry phone call. When you do speak to her, let her explain her reasoning to you, as well as her failure to notify you of the change in plans. (Your mom, of course, wouldn't have mentioned it, assuming that stepmom would have the courtesy to call you herself.)

Then let the silence on your end of the phone speak for itself. Let her know that their gifts will be mailed when you can get to UPS, sometime between Christmas and New Years. Ask to speak to your dad. Tell him you're sorry to hear they're not coming, wish him a heartfelt Merry Christmas, and hang up.

Let the burden of her bad manners fall on her.

(OK, just a little passive agressive. But I'm OK with that. You'll make your point and you'll have your quiet Christmas home with your husband.)

Have a wonderful Christmas!!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

You could always thank them for having the consideration to realize that you and your husband needed your first Christmas back together to be alone.

Changing your response to her is the only option, eh? She's not going to change.

Thank your husband for his service for us, will you please? Now, go off and enjoy your time together with him. Live in the moment.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you haven't heard from them directly, I would act as though nothing had changed.

Friday evening, call their cell. Ask where they are and what time they expect to arrive on Saturday. Tell them their room is ready, the table is set, the turkey is defrosted, and their presents are under the tree. Gush with excitement and don't give her the chance to interrupt until you've laid out all the preparations you've made for their visit.

Let her stew all week, waiting for your angry phone call. When you do speak to her, let her explain her reasoning to you, as well as her failure to notify you of the change in plans. (Your mom, of course, wouldn't have mentioned it, assuming that stepmom would have the courtesy to call you herself.)

Then let the silence on your end of the phone speak for itself. Let her know that their gifts will be mailed when you can get to UPS, sometime between Christmas and New Years. Ask to speak to your dad. Tell him you're sorry to hear they're not coming, wish him a heartfelt Merry Christmas, and hang up.

Let the burden of her bad manners fall on her.

(OK, just a little passive agressive. But I'm OK with that. You'll make your point and you'll have your quiet Christmas home with your husband.)

Have a wonderful Christmas!!

I do like your thinking.

However I would call and say mom told me that you aren't coming. Then say we will miss you.

If they say anything remotely mean, you say "sorry you feel that way". And then say, "hey I gotta go, I am baking right now. See you sometime soon and Merry Christmas." And then hang up. That is more my style.

And the reason I would do this is because it is more of an "uninvite".

Then for the love of all things, enjoy your Christmas with your dh and do not have toxic people in your home that are like that right now. It sounds like you need to detach from their madness right now and focus on yourself.

 

[Magic Mom]

(Your Mom wanted to stay in FL to be with HER ds or YOUR ds? I'm confused.)Not sure why your Father didn't say no in the first place. Maybe he didnt want to disappoint you? I can understand both of your reasons for not wanting to travel that far, or in your case, just stay home with your immediate family. It must have been extremely difficult being apart for so long.
I wouldn't let it bother me. They are older and probably more comfortable not traveling so far. I would be gracious about it. Tell them you'll call on Christmas and maybe you can all visit another time.

Then I'd forget about all of it and try to have the best Christmas ever! Your dh is home and safe.
It doesn't get any better than that!

You only have control over your own emotions and feelings, can't do a thing about anyone elses. So no sense in getting worked up over a mean, gossipy step Monster. Just let it roll off your back and enjoy this special holiday with your husband.

My DS, he is down there in college and works retail so he can't have time off for Christmas. This is the first Christmas he hasn't been home, and he was feeling down since he couldn't be here. Mom wanted to keep him companyh over the holidays. She's a very cool grandma. We are flying him up in Jan. for family time and especially time with DH.

 

[Magic Mom]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I tried calling last night but no answer. I would love to see dad (and her if she keeps her trap shut), but understand if they can't come. It's a long drive. I just hate the sniping step mother does. She's a pro at it. But I think I'm going to ignore her and just see what happens. I want a peaceful quiet Christmas.

 

[SDS33]

You are NOT garbage. I don't even know you and I completely understand that you would need time alone with your husband. I can't imagine what you have gone through with your husband being gone for that long. YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON. Don't forget that.

I somewhat understand what you are going through with the mother-in-law.
I have also had issues with mine. (very long story)

I have always been the type of person who cares what others think of me and my husband has been telling me that I shouldn't. I guess maybe i should make that my New Year's Resolution. NO ONE ELSE'S OPINIONS MATTER!

You do what is right for you, and no that is not selfish.

 

[Heidict]

Since you haven't heard from them directly, I would act as though nothing had changed.

Friday evening, call their cell. Ask where they are and what time they expect to arrive on Saturday. Tell them their room is ready, the table is set, the turkey is defrosted, and their presents are under the tree. Gush with excitement and don't give her the chance to interrupt until you've laid out all the preparations you've made for their visit.

Let her stew all week, waiting for your angry phone call. When you do speak to her, let her explain her reasoning to you, as well as her failure to notify you of the change in plans. (Your mom, of course, wouldn't have mentioned it, assuming that stepmom would have the courtesy to call you herself.)

Then let the silence on your end of the phone speak for itself. Let her know that their gifts will be mailed when you can get to UPS, sometime between Christmas and New Years. Ask to speak to your dad. Tell him you're sorry to hear they're not coming, wish him a heartfelt Merry Christmas, and hang up.

Let the burden of her bad manners fall on her.

(OK, just a little passive agressive. But I'm OK with that. You'll make your point and you'll have your quiet Christmas home with your husband.)

Have a wonderful Christmas!!

This is exactly how I would play it out also.

Let her sweat it out. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she is getting to you. I can just imagine her stewing all week long when you don't call to ask why they aren't coming. She wants a fight, don't give it to her. Instead, stay home and enjoy your family time and getting to know your husband again.

 

[joviroxx]

Maybe, but I do love my dad. I have always let her shenanigans get to me. She always pulls stuff like this.

From someone who also loves her dad dearly but has one of those troublemaking step-monsters, I feel for you! Ive learned to accept that it is what it is. I vent with my siblings and eat chocolate.. Lots and lots of chocolate!

You aren't garbage. Just plan your Christmas and enjoy it with your husband!

 

[hereyago]

I'd have to consider simply sending her letters to him...I wouldn't be saying anything bad about her; SHE would be. Can't he see that it's his grumping that's causing her to do this?



.

I agree with the letters if he hasn't seen them all read, Merry Christmas Dad, your wife is a Twister! . If he has and still refuses to "hear" what she does, then you know for sure where you stand

I don't agree that his grumping causes her to do it, people like this just don't suddenly start doing it, they have usually been at it for awhile, that is a learned behavior.

 

[clh2]

I've grown up with the drama...and it still continues now that I am 50.

Started wtih my Grandma. She would pull the "I don't want to come at Christmas" crap every year (or a different variation). Then there would be drama - "OH Grandma - you have to come its Christmas? stuff. So there would be all this drama to get a grown woman to come to Christmas. This drama has "transferred" to my sister who continues this "crap".

Face it - your step mom has made a decision. If she doesn't want to come don't feed into it, and either change your plans, or beg her to come to your house. It isn't worth it.

And...don't get me started on the how the roads only go one direction, or that the distance from MY house to YOUR house is so much shorter than if YOU would drive to MY house.

Merry Christmas! And thank you to your family for your sacrifices.