Christmas drama ALREADY!!!!!*New Update*POST 86*

[disneystacy]

Ok so here is the situation.


My family and my sister and her hubby live in NC. Our parents and brother/sil/niece live in NY. My parents and brother/sil/niece always come to NC for Christmas. My SIL 's family live out of the country, my inlaws are Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas. Anyhoo...

Normally I host both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day since for the past few years I was the only one with a home in NC.

My sister and her hubby bought a home last year and wanted to host Christmas dinner. So I did Christmas Eve with our family and my sister hosted Christmas dinner with all of us and her hubby's family as well. Now her hubby and his family are ok people, not really our type of people (kind of stick in the muds who sat on there laptops for most of the day(rude)) but we get along....anyhoo.....

This year my sister asked if her inlaws could come to my home for Christmas Eve since they would be alone(other son is not coming home for Christmas). I agreed, that was fine, no one should be alone. My sister then tells me she will be hosting Christmas dinner again for everyone. Here is where the problem comes in.....My sister adopted cats....my hubby is deathly allergic as well as my SIL and niece. The last time we were at my sisters poor hubby had to sit outside (even after he took a allergy pill).
I explained to my sister that because of hubby's allergy as well as SIL's and niece, we would have to come up with a different plan. My sister was insulted and said "well I guess I can never host Christmas dinner".

Now my feeling is she can host Christmas dinner with his family, no one will be insulted. I nor the rest of my family are really not that keen on spending our entire holiday with BIL's family anyway. I feel she has a obligation to be with them. Most families I know split the holiday anyway between the families. Maybe they don't want to spend the whole holiday with us either.

BTW - I offered to do both Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner at my home and invite everyone this year, just to keep the peace, but vI don't want this to be my job every year. My sister is mad.

So I guess my question is two-fold:
Going foward, do you feel my family should be required to spend the holidays with my sisters husbands family?( I am ok with one day, but 2 is a bit much imo)

How do I make my sister understand that allergies are not something we choose to have, she decided to adopt cats knowing half the family is allergic, so concessions would have to be made based on her decisions?

My solution is I host Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for my family. My sister comes to us on Christmas Eve and she spends Christmas Day with her hubby's family cooking her christmas dinner.
Does anyone have another suggestion?

Thanks.

 

[golfgal]

You sister needs to figure out a different plan for the in-laws, maybe set up so Christmas Eve is with your family and Christmas Day with his family-or whatever. There is no need for all of you to spend both days together, I don't think. I agree, most families split the holidays somehow-either doing an every other year arrangement, having it on an off day or whatever. It sounds like she wants it her way or else.

 

[m&m's mom]

That's hard to say. When my parents or my siblings have any holiday everyone knows their inlaws are included too. For that matter when we all go on vacation together- all the inlaws come too. We are just a big happy family!
Of course, we do not have allergy issues either.
I have a friend that visits once a year that is very allergic to our cats and dog. We go through a MAJOR cleaning, vacuum w/ hypo allergic filter, have carpets steam cleaned etc and w/ her allergy pills, she is fine.

 

[okeydokey]

There really is nothing to discuss about the allergies. If Sister insists on Christmas Day at her house, then your family simply will make other plans. There is no way family members should sit outside on Christmas Day so sister can host. I can't imagine her not understanding that.

 

[tlbwriter]

I think your solution is best.

1. No, I don't think it's necessary for you to spend so much time with her ILs. If you *wanted* to because you enjoyed their company, that would be different.

2. Sis needs a reminder that she is not the only person whose feelings count. I'd tell her "Of course you can host Christmas dinner. You and your ILs get together and do that. We'll just have to decline due to allergies. I know you wouldn't want DH to be miserable all day on Christmas and have to spend the entire time sitting outside again."

 

[disneystacy]

OP here:

Forgot to ask.....What do my parents do? Do they go to my sisters to be with her and her inlaws or do they stay with me, my brother and the grandkids (my sister has no kids).

My mom would rather be with grandkids, but doesn't want to hurt sisters feelings.

Thanks

 

[hambirg]

OP here:

Forgot to ask.....What do my parents do? Do they go to my sisters to be with her and her inlaws or do they stay with me, my brother and the grandkids (my sister has no kids).

My mom would rather be with grandkids, but doesn't want to hurt sisters feelings.

Thanks

I think they could stay with you, if they choose. If you are all getting together on Christmas Eve then that is their time with sister too. I do think it might be a nice gesture for them to visit her later, for dessert or something. But that would be up to them.

I think your solution is the best one, and reasonable considering the allergies issue.

 

[dislaney]

Could you do an every other year thing for Christmas day? Christmas Eve - you host and extended family (including in laws) come over every year. Christmas Day - one year you stay home and the next year everyone at your sisters?

I don't know about your mother, but I'm sure your mother wouldn't be going to your sister's to spend time with the in laws -she would be going to spend time with your sister.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I think your sister is being completely ridiculous!!!!! Your solution sounds reasonable and a nice compromise for everyone.

 

[tlbwriter]

Forgot to ask.....What do my parents do? Do they go to my sisters to be with her and her inlaws or do they stay with me, my brother and the grandkids (my sister has no kids).

My mom would rather be with grandkids, but doesn't want to hurt sisters feelings.

Do you and your sister live close? Could they spend part of the day at each house?

 

[dodukes]

As a person with allergies, I jsut wouldnt go if she insisted. I dont think she has a clue how miserable cat allergies are and to have to sit outside that just plain sucks IMO. I think your plan is fine. One day with your family and one day with his family, nothing wrong with that and as far as your mom, she should do what she wants to do and if thats spend two days at your house then so be it.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Been there, done that.

I hosted all the family functions for years. When my younger sister bought a house, she decided that she would take over- she didn't want to drive with her baby in the winter. This was done without consulting me. She talked to the rest of the family and discussed my rules and how outrageous they were (no smoking in the house!) and how much further I live from them (15 miles). It so wasn't worth it to fight. Have it, have all the expense too. Let your kid be subjected to second hand smoke. It's all yours!

She stopped after a while. I won't do it again. Sadly though now my mom does it, just to keep the peace she says. I think she loves it, but it is getting to be too much work for her and not to mention expensive. She lacks the backbone to pick up the phone and delegate.

Ahh, the holidays. It's no wonder people shoot each other.

 

[robinb]

Ok so here is the situation.


My family and my sister and her hubby live in NC. Our parents and brother/sil/niece live in NY. My parents and brother/sil/niece always come to NC for Christmas. My SIL 's family live out of the country, my inlaws are Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas. Anyhoo...

Normally I host both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day since for the past few years I was the only one with a home in NC.

My sister and her hubby bought a home last year and wanted to host Christmas dinner. So I did Christmas Eve with our family and my sister hosted Christmas dinner with all of us and her hubby's family as well. Now her hubby and his family are ok people, not really our type of people (kind of stick in the muds who sat on there laptops for most of the day(rude)) but we get along....anyhoo.....

This year my sister asked if her inlaws could come to my home for Christmas Eve since they would be alone(other son is not coming home for Christmas). I agreed, that was fine, no one should be alone. My sister then tells me she will be hosting Christmas dinner again for everyone. Here is where the problem comes in.....My sister adopted cats....my hubby is deathly allergic as well as my SIL and niece. The last time we were at my sisters poor hubby had to sit outside (even after he took a allergy pill).
I explained to my sister that because of hubby's allergy as well as SIL's and niece, we would have to come up with a different plan. My sister was insulted and said "well I guess I can never host Christmas dinner".

Now my feeling is she can host Christmas dinner with his family, no one will be insulted. I nor the rest of my family are really not that keen on spending our entire holiday with BIL's family anyway. I feel she has a obligation to be with them. Most families I know split the holiday anyway between the families. Maybe they don't want to spend the whole holiday with us either.

BTW - I offered to do both Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner at my home and invite everyone this year, just to keep the peace, but vI don't want this to be my job every year. My sister is mad.

So I guess my question is two-fold:
Going foward, do you feel my family should be required to spend the holidays with my sisters husbands family?( I am ok with one day, but 2 is a bit much imo)

How do I make my sister understand that allergies are not something we choose to have, she decided to adopt cats knowing half the family is allergic, so concessions would have to be made based on her decisions?

My solution is I host Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for my family. My sister comes to us on Christmas Eve and she spends Christmas Day with her hubby's family cooking her christmas dinner.
Does anyone have another suggestion?

Thanks.

It sounds like your sister just is excited to host Christmas dinner again. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think the biggest roadblock is your DH's, SIL and niece's allergies to the cats. Is your sister willing to lock the cats up in a room and clean the rest of the house? I think if she's willing to try and all the allergic people are willing to take antihistamines then it's worth a go. Otherwise, you will end up sticking your parents in the middle and that's not fair to them.

 

[pilotwife_02]

I think you have been more than reasonable in options. You aren't telling her she can't have Christmas, you are simply stating that for your DH's health you can't be there.

I have a similar situation going on right now. My mom has Christmas at her house every year. Since they live in PA, with the rest of my siblings and their spouses and we live in OH we always travel out there and stay with my parents.

Well my mom has many cats and DH has such bad allergies he usually has a hard time breathing all day and he takes allergy meds AND an inhaler. We decided that since we now have kids and one has a slight allergy to cats and last time DH was at my parents he spent most of the time (in the winter) outside trying to breathe, that we wouldn't go anymore. Another issue is my sis and her dh are living with them for a little while and with that brought THREE dogs and TWO more cats. So it's going to be even more difficult for DH.

The problem is my mom. She's trying to make me feel guilty for not coming out. "But we'll clean" yada yada. She always says that and then doesn't, I am the one who will clean as best as a I can when I get there to try and help DH. He also spends a lot of time in the bedroom we sleep in because it's the only room in the house she'll keep the cats out of so he can somewhat breathe in there. How fair is that to him during the holiday and the days before and after we are there? Outside in the freezing cold or trapped in our bedroom while everyone else is hanging out.

She's now whining the Christmas won't be the same. I'm sorry, I'm upset I won't be able to spend it with family either, but I'm not going to subject my DH to that and I'm not going to spend Christmas in a hotel with 2 small kids. My other brothers have small places and roommates so staying with them isn't an option.

Sorry this got so long, but I wanted you to know I totally understand how you feel.

 

[Pumbaa_]

It sounds like your sister just is excited to host Christmas dinner again. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think the biggest roadblock is your DH's, SIL and niece's allergies to the cats. Is your sister willing to lock the cats up in a room and clean the rest of the house? I think if she's willing to try and all the allergic people are willing to take antihistamines then it's worth a go. Otherwise, you will end up sticking your parents in the middle and that's not fair to them.

Nice idea but depending on the level of allergy it wouldn't be enough.

 

[Tinkermommy]

As someone who is very allergic to cats, I would not go. It is miserable not being able to breathe. And the one time I "stuck it out" I got very sick with bronchitis after. Not sure if it was the cats or sitting next to an open window in Michigan in December that did it.

I think what you offered is reasonable. It sounds like she doesn't want to spend time with just her In-laws on Christmas. While I understand that, it's not worth people's health.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Your sister could also hosting Christmas.

Vacuum/shampoo/whatever floors and furniture, get a air purifier, and lock her cats in a room upstairs for a few days.

 

[ChrizJen]

I personally would put my foot down.
My family has always done it the "traditional" way where we have one side of the family on Christmas Eve, then the other side on Christmas Day. It's what works for us.
I think it would be crowded and awkward to try to mix families and in-laws like that.
I would stick to your Christmas Eve dinner with your family (even include your BIL's parents if they don't have anywhere else to go and you're OK with them being there). But then that's it. Then I would do my own thing on Christmas Day.

 

[rie'smom]

My husband and son have very bad allergies but their meds take care of it. I have a terrible allergy to inexpensive perfumes and hand lotions- think Bath and Body. If I'm exposed, I cannot breathe. If the OPs family's allergies are like mine, then the sister needs to understand that life threatening allergies trump her wish to have Christmas. After all, this is supposed to be the season to celebrate Jesus, that is we should show compassion and Christian attitudes.

 

[mickeymedic]

Is there a neutral location where your sister could host the dinner? We do Thanksgiving dinner every year in my grandparents' church basement. There is almost always a family that uses the fire house to host a holiday meal. The local VFW and the local Masonic Temple also rent out space inexpensively for such events. This would allow your sister to host the event without subjecting everyone to the cats.