Choosing to be Child Free. What are your reasons/changed minds?

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Very personal choice. To want to have children is just as fine as to not want to have children. And nothing wrong with changing your mind about not wanting to have children. And it should be your decision without any outside pressure.

Having said that, I do have to admit I have been amused by people I know who were very vocal about not wanting children......and that often is tied to the opinion marriage being "nothing more than a piece of paper".....who hit 40 and suddenly NEED to be married and have kids. Does make me wonder if the old biological clock kicks in.

It's funny you say that because one of my very best friends, who was very vocal and adamant for many years that she didn't want kids, just turned 40 and now has had a complete reversal of opinion and desperately wants to have children--with the same strong passion that she had for being childless! I was just thinking about her situation and marveling at how powerful the biological clock is! Unfortunately this decision came about 5 years after she and her husband divorced because he wanted kids and she didn't. She is sad about having passed up the chance to have kids, jealous of him and his new wife (they already have 3 kids), and going through a really rough time right now. I wish I knew how to help her, and what to say to comfort her

I'm doing my best to be supportive but I can't relate to not wanting kids and I actually sympathized with her husband when he left--though I would never tell her that--because I wanted lots of kids and my husband claimed to feel the same way before we got married, then after we got married and had one kid he refused to have any more. My desire for kids was just a tool that he used to control me for the duration of our marriage. I admired her husband for knowing what he wanted and going after it, while I stayed in my horrible marriage because I believed that I had to. Now that we are divorcing anyway I wish that I had left him years ago when he said no more kids--we have 2 kids but I always pictured myself with 6 and now that dream is impossible because at 36 I can't have any more kids.

 

[smokeyblue]

Having children has always been on my mind, but I've never come to a decision that I really want to do it. At nearly 38, I've come to the conclusion that I would probably only put the bare minimum into raising a child, and that is something I don't want. I also feel strongly that I don't want to sacrifice my need for lots of alone time and beyond that I don't want to struggle financially at this point in my life. I do feel some regret and will probably continue to feel regret, but that is something I have lived with and will continue to come to terms with. I just ultimately think its the right decision for me.

 

[tvguy]

Having children has always been on my mind, but I've never come to a decision that I really want to do it. At nearly 38, I've come to the conclusion that I would probably only put the bare minimum into raising a child, and that is something I don't want. I also feel strongly that I don't want to sacrifice my need for lots of alone time and beyond that I don't want to struggle financially at this point in my life. I do feel some regret and will probably continue to feel regret, but that is something I have lived with and will continue to come to terms with. I just ultimately think its the right decision for me.

Having kids is an interesting combination of the most fun, and the most frustration you will ever experience. It is not for everyone.

 

[smiths02]

To those who truly don't want kids,THANK YOU! I've worked in preschools for a long time,and there are WAY too many parents that shouldn't have had children.Children are a lot of work,and I've seen many parents who are adamant about having their "me" time,even with little ones.We've got parents at my school who are off in the summer,and bring their kids full time in the summer.It's absolutely nuts.BTW,I'm not a dog person,but no one has ever given me a hard time about it.

I'm off "in the summer." It's actually between 4-5 weeks. While my twins were preschool age, I would keep them enrolled in daycare over the summer because there was no help in tuition-we had to pay either way. We did generally do our vacation week during that time.
My "me" time included a trip to the dentist, a trip to the eye doctor, pap smear, cleaning the house, etc. I also used that time to spend with my older son who wasn't in daycare.
In other words, don't judge that it is all "selfish" me time.

 

[kamik86]

I'm child free although not completely by choice. Most that know me directly don't know that though. Its easier to say I don't want kids (even when dealing with the types of comments people talk about here) then explaining why I didn't attempt IVF or adoption which would be the only way I would be having kids.

My circle of coworkers and my family don't give me much hassle about not having kids. My mom knows why and she has 4 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren already...

My husband's coworkers are where we get the must be nice comments. Mostly when one coworker asks him about a recent vacation and someone else gets jealous (one of his coworkers with 3 children got mad because not everyone can afford vacations so maybe he shouldn't talk about them... its not like he was bragging he was just having a conversation she probably shouldn't have been listening to anyway)

 

[Ariel484]

To those who truly don't want kids,THANK YOU! I've worked in preschools for a long time,and there are WAY too many parents that shouldn't have had children.Children are a lot of work,and I've seen many parents who are adamant about having their "me" time,even with little ones.We've got parents at my school who are off in the summer,and bring their kids full time in the summer.It's absolutely nuts.BTW,I'm not a dog person,but no one has ever given me a hard time about it.

See...this is one HUGE reason why I really debated having a kid - the fear that I will need to 100% lose my own identity and give up my own interests. Why is it not okay to want "me time" even as a parent? I think there's a way to balance both, and that should be okay - in my case it'll probably make me a better mom, because I almost fear I'll resent my kid if I don't have some time to myself. EDIT: I also think it's super important that my husband and I have time together, just the two of us - yes, without the kid. I want our marriage to stay strong - yes we will be mom and dad, but we were Mr. and Mrs. Ariel484 first, and if we weren't together there would be no kid in the first place (this is ESPECIALLY important to me as my parents divorced when I was 4).

On the flip side, I wonder if people will read this from me and automatically think I won't be a good mom BECAUSE I still want to have some time to myself.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

See...this is one HUGE reason why I really debated having a kid - the fear that I will need to 100% lose my own identity and give up my own interests. Why is it not okay to want "me time" even as a parent? I think there's a way to balance both, and that should be okay - in my case it'll probably make me a better mom, because I almost fear I'll resent my kid if I don't have some time to myself.

On the flip side, I wonder if people will read this from me and automatically think I won't be a good mom BECAUSE I still want to have some time to myself.

I sent my kids to daycare even when i had off. Like a PP said it wasn’t all fun. Pap smear, dentists, appointments, etc. One of the worst parts of being a Mom is the judgement from other moms. Everyone’s a critic.

 

[Ariel484]

I sent my kids to daycare even when i had off. Like a PP said it wasn’t all fun. Pap smear, dentists, appointments, etc. One of the worst parts of being a Mom is the judgement from other moms. Everyone’s a critic.

Yep - this is something I am absolutely dreading. I am pretty blunt so if I feel I am being judged, I don't think I will be quite as tactful as others I have seen in this thread.

 

[ronandannette]

For the life of me, I will never ever understand that argument. I could understand the reverse (telling someone who wants kids that they are being selfish).

Equally unacceptable - everybody please just MYOB. DH was 40 with two teenaged daughters when we married. He had always been quite close to his older sister, who had two kids in that same age-range. Although we weren’t trying, we found ourselves expecting 3 months after our wedding. His sister went off the deep-end; tearful rants on more than one occasion about how stupid he was and how he’d “wrecked” the rest of his life. She and her family (her DH and children, and now their spouses who weren’t even on the scene at the time) still to this day make nasty jokes about it to us, our DS included.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I'm child free although not completely by choice. Most that know me directly don't know that though. Its easier to say I don't want kids (even when dealing with the types of comments people talk about here) then explaining why I didn't attempt IVF or adoption which would be the only way I would be having kids.

I could have written this. Very few people (IRL) know the reasons we don’t have kids, and I would much rather tell people that I don’t want them than go into all the details. I can count on one hand the number of people who know the full story. Even my husband’s parents don’t know.

Re the only child comments: I am an only child and never wanted siblings, and as an adult I am extremely glad that I’m an only child. I had a great childhood, and while I grew up with privileges that I probably wouldn’t have had if I were one of 4, I was also raised with values that meant that I wasn’t spoilt or entitled. I certainly was never lonely.

The only issue I have as an only child is with divorced parents who live on the other side of the world from each other, which is a worry as they get older. However, I also know many other people with older parents whose siblings do nothing - having a sibling doesn’t guarantee that they will share the burden. And I know that most people don’t have parents who live so far apart, even if they are divorced.

My husband is the oldest of 3, and while I love his sister and his brother’s wife (the brother is hard work), I do find the family overwhelming. It feels like a part time job just to manage the family events, the minor dramas, the issues with favouritism, and just making sure that we see everyone on a regular basis. As the only child of two only children, his family feels enormous to me.

 

[LSUmiss]

I could have written this. Very few people (IRL) know the reasons we don’t have kids, and I would much rather tell people that I don’t want them than go into all the details. I can count on one hand the number of people who know the full story. Even my husband’s parents don’t know.

Re the only child comments: I am an only child and never wanted siblings, and as an adult I am extremely glad that I’m an only child. I had a great childhood, and while I grew up with privileges that I probably wouldn’t have had if I were one of 4, I was also raised with values that meant that I wasn’t spoilt or entitled. I certainly was never lonely.

The only issue I have as an only child is with divorced parents who live on the other side of the world from each other, which is a worry as they get older. However, I also know many other people with older parents whose siblings do nothing - having a sibling doesn’t guarantee that they will share the burden. And I know that most people don’t have parents who live so far apart, even if they are divorced.

My husband is the oldest of 3, and while I love his sister and his brother’s wife (the brother is hard work), I do find the family overwhelming. It feels like a part time job just to manage the family events, the minor dramas, the issues with favouritism, and just making sure that we see everyone on a regular basis. As the only child of two only children, his family feels enormous to me.

I agree completely about the sibling thing & that’s part of why I never thought it was a big deal to give DS a sibling. As far as parents, my sister & my DH’s brother do/did far less for our parents than DH & I. Instead of being a help, it’s actually a cause of resentment for us. Almost all of my friends have similar dynamics when it comes to caring for their parents. My goal for DS is to do exactly what you said you had...be able to provide him with opportunities & privileges I could probably not otherwise afford while still instilling those values you mentioned.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I agree completely about the sibling thing & that’s part of why I never thought it was a big deal to give DS a sibling. As far as parents, my sister & my DH’s brother do/did far less for our parents than DH & I. Instead of being a help, it’s actually a cause of resentment for us. Almost all of my friends have similar dynamics when it comes to caring for their parents. My goal for DS is to do exactly what you said you had...be able to provide him with opportunities & privileges I could probably not otherwise afford while still instilling those values you mentioned.

I don’t know any case where siblings equally look after aging or elderly parents equally, and in every case there is a huge amount of resentment.

My in-laws are not particularly drama-filled, but it’s not possible to have 15 people together without some kind of minor argument or resentment crop up from time to time. At least once a week I tell my mum how glad I am to be an only child!

I had a great childhood and yet still was instilled with a strong work ethic, and an awareness of how privileged I was to do the things that I did, so it definitely can be done.

Edit: As I said earlier in the thread, I can’t have children, but when we were trying we both agreed that we only wanted one. My husband is very close to his sister - we are going to WDW with her later this year - so it’s not that he dislikes his siblings. He just agrees with me that we could have best provided the kind of life we wanted to if we only had one child.

 

[aprilchem]

DH and I were steadfast child-free advocates when we got married - we told everyone and anyone who would listen that we wanted to be child free by choice and enjoyed our double-income lifestyle and all the freedom that went with it.

Fast-forward 3 years and we realized that the life we had was so great that we wanted to share it with kids. After 2 years of fertility treatments that were downright awful we had our first in 2005, our second in 2007, and our third in 2009. I wish we had two more, but we waited a little bit two long after our last child and now I'm a bit too old for another. Honestly, I love having children - they can be frustrating and inconvenient at times, but it's a relationship level that I've never experienced with anyone and for the most part they are awesome. My kids explore the world with us with excitement and wonder, and we love traveling with them to new places and showing them new things. I love doing all the "mom" stuff, like making them breakfast in the morning before school, going to the school plays and concerts, and helping them with their homework. I've worked full-time since they were born, and although it was hard when they were babies, it's much easier now. Our oldest is 12 now so we only have 6 more years with him until he leaves, and I'm already sad that some day our little family unit will go its own ways.

 

[kamik86]

I don’t know any case where siblings equally look after aging or elderly parents equally, and in every case there is a huge amount of resentment.

My in-laws are not particularly drama-filled, but it’s not possible to have 15 people together without some kind of minor argument or resentment crop up from time to time. At least once a week I tell my mum how glad I am to be an only child!

I had a great childhood and yet still was instilled with a strong work ethic, and an awareness of how privileged I was to do the things that I did, so it definitely can be done.

Edit: As I said earlier in the thread, I can’t have children, but when we were trying we both agreed that we only wanted one. My husband is very close to his sister - we are going to WDW with her later this year - so it’s not that he dislikes his siblings. He just agrees with me that we could have best provided the kind of life we wanted to if we only had one child.

See as far as I know there is no resentment in my family but at the moment my parents are also pretty easy. They are older and retired but they can still both drive and have no problems with their house... actually that would probably be the first thing to have to change if something did (they live in a house that really won't work well if you can't do stairs). However if this changed I don't think the distribution of effort would be equal in all ways among the four of us and probably shouldn't be.

of the four of us kids some of us live closer (one lives with my parents, 1 lives a bit over an hour away so none too far to help at all but definitely changes day to day) some are more social and would be better with additional people in the house, some have more free time and more responsibility, some have more disposable income that could be used for financial help, only 3 can drive, different levels of work and schedules etc... so yeah we wouldn't all help the same amount or the same way.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm off "in the summer." It's actually between 4-5 weeks. While my twins were preschool age, I would keep them enrolled in daycare over the summer because there was no help in tuition-we had to pay either way. We did generally do our vacation week during that time.
My "me" time included a trip to the dentist, a trip to the eye doctor, pap smear, cleaning the house, etc. I also used that time to spend with my older son who wasn't in daycare.
In other words, don't judge that it is all "selfish" me time.

I ran a center for 12 years and this is what I saw with most of the parents that kept their kids in child care/preschool during the summer or other times they were off. We tried to work with them so they didn't have to pay the full tuition but we had to do something to be able to save their spot, so usually a partial payment deal. A lot of them would choose to just bring the child for half days or partial week. The days they did bring them, they were taking care of things that their child would either bored to tears with or they would have to find a sitter anyway. I don't think they were "not wanting to be with their kids" at all, they were already paying for child care so they just used it and got things done.

My dil works 3 days a week. She could not find child care for only the three days so dgd goes for the full week. The two days dil is off, she uses to do all the things that don't involve dgd--house work, errands, dr appointments, etc. Some weeks, she keeps dgd home one of those days to do something special. But mostly she uses those days to insure that the weekend is 100% for her kids.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

See as far as I know there is no resentment in my family but at the moment my parents are also pretty easy. They are older and retired but they can still both drive and have no problems with their house... actually that would probably be the first thing to have to change if something did (they live in a house that really won't work well if you can't do stairs). However if this changed I don't think the distribution of effort would be equal in all ways among the four of us and probably shouldn't be.

of the four of us kids some of us live closer (one lives with my parents, 1 lives a bit over an hour away so none too far to help at all but definitely changes day to day) some are more social and would be better with additional people in the house, some have more free time and more responsibility, some have more disposable income that could be used for financial help, only 3 can drive, different levels of work and schedules etc... so yeah we wouldn't all help the same amount or the same way.

I can only speak to my experience within my circle, but I suspect that what you are seeing now may be due to the fact that your parents don’t need help. Also, as you have one sibling who lives with your parents then the hypothetical/future division of work may not be such an issue in your family.

Two people I know are currently having serious issues with siblings over caring for elderly parents, and in those circumstances, as well as every other one I can think of, the non-contributing sibling(s) always had a reason for why they couldn’t do anything. The resentment seems to come from the idea that some are more willing to prioritise the care of the elderly parents than others are: they all have busy lives but if one sibling opts out then the other(s) is/are left with no choice but to do it all. If all siblings were contributing equally, even if not in the same way, then maybe there wouldn’t be any resentment.

This isn’t my battle, so I can only go on what I have seen and been told about within my circle. My problem is that, as the child of two aging, divorced parents, I’m expected to be in two countries at once!

 

[LSUmiss]

I can only speak to my experience within my circle, but I suspect that what you are seeing now may be due to the fact that your parents don’t need help. Also, as you have one sibling who lives with your parents then the hypothetical/future division of work may not be such an issue in your family.

Two people I know are currently having serious issues with siblings over caring for elderly parents, and in those circumstances, as well as every other one I can think of, the non-contributing sibling(s) always had a reason for why they couldn’t do anything. The resentment seems to come from the idea that some are more willing to prioritise the care of the elderly parents than others are: they all have busy lives but if one sibling opts out then the other(s) is/are left with no choice but to do it all. If all siblings were contributing equally, even if not in the same way, then maybe there wouldn’t be any resentment.

This isn’t my battle, so I can only go on what I have seen and been told about within my circle. My problem is that, as the child of two aging, divorced parents, I’m expected to be in two countries at once!

In my experiences, the other sibling(s) just didn’t do it or was unreliable. They don’t even bother with excuses. For the ppl I know, everyone lives in the same area so it’s not that. I am sure there are some who help each other & some who don’t. My only point is that should not be a reason to have more than 1 kid if you don’t want to b/c it’s a toss up & who knows if they’ll help each other or be able to help each other take care of aging parents or whatever.

 

[wgeo]

I can't help with the OP's original question, but I have a couple of thoughts.

It's not selfish to make a decision that is right for you. It's being honest and realistic and there's nothing wrong with that.

The people that say you are somehow missing out because pregnancy will change your life and is amazing - well umm, not always. I always wanted to be a mom, and love being a mom but holy crap I hated every single second of being pregnant, horrible, hated it, desperately counted down the days until I was due, hated labor. Have zero good memories of any of it. Was it worth it? Sure for me it was totally worth it but that doesn't mean it was some super spiritual amazing experience.

After our second we were adament that we were done and so husband decided to get a V. The dr was super condescending to the point that he said to my hubby that he was making a bad choice because if one of our kids died we'd want to have another to replace them and we wouldn't be able to.

 

[Ariel484]

I could have written this. Very few people (IRL) know the reasons we don’t have kids, and I would much rather tell people that I don’t want them than go into all the details. I can count on one hand the number of people who know the full story. Even my husband’s parents don’t know.

Re the only child comments: I am an only child and never wanted siblings, and as an adult I am extremely glad that I’m an only child. I had a great childhood, and while I grew up with privileges that I probably wouldn’t have had if I were one of 4, I was also raised with values that meant that I wasn’t spoilt or entitled. I certainly was never lonely.

The only issue I have as an only child is with divorced parents who live on the other side of the world from each other, which is a worry as they get older. However, I also know many other people with older parents whose siblings do nothing - having a sibling doesn’t guarantee that they will share the burden. And I know that most people don’t have parents who live so far apart, even if they are divorced.

My husband is the oldest of 3, and while I love his sister and his brother’s wife (the brother is hard work), I do find the family overwhelming. It feels like a part time job just to manage the family events, the minor dramas, the issues with favouritism, and just making sure that we see everyone on a regular basis. As the only child of two only children, his family feels enormous to me.

Thank you for this post, very reassuring. You sound like my husband (also a non-spoiled only child).

I can't help with the OP's original question, but I have a couple of thoughts.

It's not selfish to make a decision that is right for you. It's being honest and realistic and there's nothing wrong with that.

The people that say you are somehow missing out because pregnancy will change your life and is amazing - well umm, not always. I always wanted to be a mom, and love being a mom but holy crap I hated every single second of being pregnant, horrible, hated it, desperately counted down the days until I was due, hated labor. Have zero good memories of any of it. Was it worth it? Sure for me it was totally worth it but that doesn't mean it was some super spiritual amazing experience.

After our second we were adament that we were done and so husband decided to get a V. The dr was super condescending to the point that he said to my hubby that he was making a bad choice because if one of our kids died we'd want to have another to replace them and we wouldn't be able to.

Pardon my French, but your husband's doctor sounds like an a**hole. And how exactly does one "replace" a child??

 

[LSUmiss]

I can't help with the OP's original question, but I have a couple of thoughts.

It's not selfish to make a decision that is right for you. It's being honest and realistic and there's nothing wrong with that.

The people that say you are somehow missing out because pregnancy will change your life and is amazing - well umm, not always. I always wanted to be a mom, and love being a mom but holy crap I hated every single second of being pregnant, horrible, hated it, desperately counted down the days until I was due, hated labor. Have zero good memories of any of it. Was it worth it? Sure for me it was totally worth it but that doesn't mean it was some super spiritual amazing experience.

After our second we were adament that we were done and so husband decided to get a V. The dr was super condescending to the point that he said to my hubby that he was making a bad choice because if one of our kids died we'd want to have another to replace them and we wouldn't be able to.

I’ve heard of other ppl being told this by drs. Replace them?? I can’t believe that anyone would even think this. You can never replace any person!