Chipping in for a bridal shower?? Help with etiquette

[KarenAylwood]

I'm in a wedding in July for a friend from college. I live about 4 hours away, so I'll be driving to all the events (shower, bachelorette, wedding). There are 9 bridesmaids- 5 sisters (between her and the groom), 3 college friends and 1 HS friend (MOH).

MOH is crazy. She loves to plan everything down to the minute detail and doesn't ask for help/advice/ideas/opinions when it's come to all of this. She told us the dates for everything back in early December, then sent out an email detailing the exact menu, games, prizes, favors etc for this shower. She also sent out formal invites for the shower- announcing that it was held by "the bridesmaids." And wants to get together to plan the $350/night trip to Ocean City for her bachelorette. (my fav part about this is that the bride hasn't planned a thing in her life and hates things that are planned... )

We've (me + other two college friends) mentioned multiple times in emails that we'd love to help out, etc but MOH doesn't seem to want any input at all.

How do I deal with this financially? Do I ask her if she wants money? Just give her a set amount (which I have no idea what would be acceptable)?

One of my other college friends says- we got zero input in planning after practically begging to help, I'm not offering anything- I'll chip in if she asks, but I'm not offering.

What do I do?? What's appropriate??

 

[Bren's Mom]

If the MOH has chosen the date, the location, the budget, the menu, etc and sent out the invites and, after you've offered, has not conferred with you about any of that then you are under no obligation. There is no standard that says a bridesmaid must pay for anything except their own clothing. If this MOH decides later that the shower SHE planned is outside her budget and asks for money you are certainly welcome to contribute an amount within YOUR budget if you choose to do so but it's not an absolute necessity in this case. She made this bed.

 

[ceecee]

Who is MOH? I think that you should all have a say in it BEFORE things are done. At this point how much $ has she spent? Maybe she wants to do it all including paying for it.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'm in a wedding in July for a friend from college. I live about 4 hours away, so I'll be driving to all the events (shower, bachelorette, wedding). There are 9 bridesmaids- 5 sisters (between her and the groom), 3 college friends and 1 HS friend (MOH).

MOH is crazy. She loves to plan everything down to the minute detail and doesn't ask for help/advice/ideas/opinions when it's come to all of this. She told us the dates for everything back in early December, then sent out an email detailing the exact menu, games, prizes, favors etc for this shower. She also sent out formal invites for the shower- announcing that it was held by "the bridesmaids." And wants to get together to plan the $350/night trip to Ocean City for her bachelorette. (my fav part about this is that the bride hasn't planned a thing in her life and hates things that are planned... )

We've (me + other two college friends) mentioned multiple times in emails that we'd love to help out, etc but MOH doesn't seem to want any input at all.

How do I deal with this financially? Do I ask her if she wants money? Just give her a set amount (which I have no idea what would be acceptable)?

One of my other college friends says- we got zero input in planning after practically begging to help, I'm not offering anything- I'll chip in if she asks, but I'm not offering.

What do I do?? What's appropriate??

Crazy *ss, over the top planners (of which I am one ) will ALWAYS let you know how much money, if any, you need to cough up because it's part of the plan.

If you haven't received an itemized invoice, consider yourself lucky to have somebody who's willing to take all that on, say thank you and enjoy yourself .

fwiw, I'm also a crazy planner who knows how to delegate-it sounds like the MOH hasn't learned that skill yet-either she will when she's in her 30's or burn out and become a carpe diem'er...

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding last month. There were 4 bridesmaids and the MOH. The bridal shower was held at my aunt's house. The MOH planned the entire bridal shower and asked us to buy specific things (cake, drinks, etc.). My aunt graciously provided all of the food. We told her how much we spent and after the shower she totaled up the cost, divided it by 4 (one of the bridesmaid's couldn't come which I felt she should still have to pay whether she came or not, but that's another story) and we subtracted how much we had spent out of the cost and sent checks to the MOH. I think it was like $50.

We also split the cost of the bachelorette party (just dinner and going to a club). If the MOH wants to plan a high dollar event (be it the shower or bachelorette party) I would offer to chip in however much you find reasonable, but that's just me. I would like to feel like I helped out but wouldn't break the bank to do so. Even if she planned it all she shouldn't be financially responsible for it all either. I ended up spending over $500 (not including travelling) for my cousin's wedding. It gets pricey.

I might offer $50-$75 for the bridal shower, bring a gift, and pay for a couple round of drinks at the bachelorette party, but that's just me. If she has booked rooms for everyone to stay at for the bachelorette party I would decline and get my own room, if it's expensive.

 

[wall*e2008]

That seems so over the top. I would think at this point she has to pay all the costs.

 

[JandJ]

As a crazy planner type myself, wait for her to ask for financial input. You've already offered enough times. I was MOH for my friend a couple of years ago and I wasn't going to spend a fortune on her shower. It was her second wedding and I spent $500 on the shower for the first one. So, I sent the information to the 4 bridesmaids as to when and where (I did consult them, and the bride, of course, before choosing the date) and asked them to please contribute $40 or whatever they could afford for the food, favors, cake, etc. I told them specifically what food and cake we'd have and what games we'd play just so they knew what I was doing with the money (and it wasn't going to buy me a new handbag or something ) All but one of the bridesmaids sent me the $40, said they had no problem contributing and were happy I was doing all the real work. All but the same one was a huge help on the day - setting up, clean up, etc. I paid the majority of the cost even with the money from the 3 bridesmaids, plus I had to fork over an extra $100 just to rent a room large enough for the 75 people my friend wanted to invite! But in the end I was so glad I asked for help!

I say, pitch in at the shower with decorations, food, and clean up, and only give the MOH money if she asks for it.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Crazy *ss, over the top planners (of which I am one ) will ALWAYS let you know how much money, if any, you need to cough up because it's part of the plan.

If you haven't received an itemized invoice, consider yourself lucky to have somebody who's willing to take all that on, say thank you and enjoy yourself .

fwiw, I'm also a crazy planner who knows how to delegate-it sounds like the MOH hasn't learned that skill yet-either she will when she's in her 30's or burn out and become a carpe diem'er...

And, for the record, THIS wouldn't be an appropriate way to handle it either. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid does not mean anyone gets to just hand you an itemized invoice or call with a demand for money...NO ONE. That's incredibly rude, imo.

If someone decides to throw a party, the bill is on them. If the wedding party gets together and says 'Let's throw a shower together' and then agrees upon date/venue/style/budget TOGETHER and agrees upon ahead of time how much everyone will contribute that's appropriate.

For one person to decide on the budget without input from the other in any group is not right. My $.02.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

And, for the record, THIS wouldn't be an appropriate way to handle it either. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid does not mean anyone gets to just hand you an itemized invoice or call with a demand for money...NO ONE. That's incredibly rude, imo.

If someone decides to throw a party, the bill is on them. If the wedding party gets together and says 'Let's throw a shower together' and then agrees upon date/venue/style/budget TOGETHER and agrees upon ahead of time how much everyone will contribute that's appropriate.

For one person to decide on the budget without input from the other in any group is not right. My $.02.

I agree, that's where the delegating part comes in. You figure out what each person is willing to do and how much they're willing to spend, and then you go forward once you have that groundwork done.

MOH is either doing it bass-ackwards and is going to be stuck holding most if not all of the bill, or she's planning on footing the entire thing herself.

If she does try and stick you for the bill, go into Stupid Mode:

YOU: "You want me to pay $500 for my part, MOH? Wow, really? Did you check with me before you committed me to that debt?"

MOH: "Well I just assumed you wanted to help."

YOU: "If you had asked me even once, you wouldn't have to assume anything."

MOH: "If you're going to be a b*tch about it, then never mind."

YOU: "Ok, great, that's a big relief! Since I didn't get to plan any of the festivities, I'm glad I don't have to pay for somebody else's plans! See you at the wedding, I'm sure you did a fabulous job!"

oh, I'm so bad sometimes

 

[NeverlandClub23]

YOU: "You want me to pay $500 for my part, MOH? Wow, really? Did you check with me before you committed me to that debt?"

MOH: "Well I just assumed you wanted to help."

YOU: "If you had asked me even once, you wouldn't have to assume anything."

MOH: "If you're going to be a b*tch about it, then never mind."

YOU: "Ok, great, that's a big relief! Since I didn't get to plan any of the festivities, I'm glad I don't have to pay for somebody else's plans! See you at the wedding, I'm sure you did a fabulous job!"

oh, I'm so bad sometimes

Too funny!

OP, maybe she is planning on paying for all of it. In which case I would put the extra money I was going to spend on the shower/party into a great gift for the bride .

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

I love planning and have had the honor of planning wedding and baby showers and a bachlorette party cruise. From the very begining of any planning, I speak with all of the girls who will be involved and recieve their input of what they see the day looking like and their budget. Sometimes they share ideas and other times they tell me "well it's x amount of weeks a way so we have time" in that case I plan without them but fill them in as I go. As far as money goes, because the MOH did not ask anyone about their personal budgets, and just planned it all her way, then I would contribute what you can, if asked, and leave it as that. If she complains or sends you a "bill" then remind her that you asked to help along the way and were told no and how x amount of $s is out of your budget and had she asked she would have known that.

 

[Mrs. Bradbury]

Wow, not knowing would make me really uncomfortable. Just because she hasn't seen fit to involve anyone else with the planning, that does not mean she's not going to expect you and the rest of the bridal party to cough up a portion of the cost. I mean, you've already said she was crazy . . . If I was in your position, I would pin her down about it, and the sooner the better.

 

[Stacerita]

If she hasn't asked you for any imput, and you asked her what you can do and she said nothing. Don't worry about it. If she comes later and asks for money, figure what you can afford to contribute and give that if what she asks for is too much. You shouldn't have to pay more than what you can afford because someone decided to do all the planning.

 

[HGD24]

I agree with your friend who says chip in if MOH asks, but don't offer. If the amount she asks is too high for your budget, simply say "I can give you this much".

As for the $350/night party in Ocean City - I think you all need to talk her out of that one. There are far less expensive ways to celebrate a bachlorette party. A bachlorette party isn't even necessary and most brides I know never wanted one and the ones who have yet to get married don't want one.

 

[merekc]

I'd be afraid that there will be a bill handed to you at the end because sometimes people are just that way.

In order to head it off, you might want to email or call the MOH and say something along the lines of..."It sounds like you have some very exciting thing planned for whatever. In order to help you plan and budget, I thought I would let you know that I am willing to contribue $XX total towards these events. Let me know if you need any help."

If you aren't willing to pay anything, the same thing could be done along the lines of..."Times are tough and I know you have some exciting things planned. I wanted to let you know while you're planning that I will not have any extra funds to contribute to these events. It will take everything i have to cover the necessary wedding expenses."

Are you responsible for paying for this stuff if the person asks you to? No. However, why ruin the bride's day by contributing to any potential pettiness. Nothing may come of it, but it doesn't hurt to take steps to prevent a situation from occuring.

 

[HGD24]

I'd be afraid that there will be a bill handed to you at the end because sometimes people are just that way.

This happen to me. Everyone chipped in for the gift and bought what we were all assigned to buy for the shower. Weeks after the wedding, MOH called and said that I needed to send a check to her. She said that some things cost more than expected and it was only right for everyone to pay an equal amount. She said she totalled everyone's reciepts to get the final amount. She never asked for mine though. I asked her how she knew what I paid she said she estimated and when I asked her to tell me the amounts everyone else paid, she refused. Needless to say, she didn't get more money from me.

Food was brought by all the guests and wine & soda were donated by the groom who owned a liquor store. That didn't really leave much else for the 7 of us to buy. Somehow she figured the total cost was $800 - for a shower at the VFW ($100 rental), cake, paper products, favors & decorations. Trust me, there was not $700 worth of stuff at this shower.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Somehow she figured the total cost was $800

 

[CarolA]

When I was a Maid of Honor for my friend I gave a shower. It was not a "joint" shower with the other bridesmaids. They were of course invited, but..... I never would have expected them to pay! I planned, I sent out the invites etc....

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'd be afraid that there will be a bill handed to you at the end because sometimes people are just that way.

In order to head it off, you might want to email or call the MOH and say something along the lines of..."It sounds like you have some very exciting thing planned for whatever. In order to help you plan and budget, I thought I would let you know that I am willing to contribue $XX total towards these events. Let me know if you need any help."

If you aren't willing to pay anything, the same thing could be done along the lines of..."Times are tough and I know you have some exciting things planned. I wanted to let you know while you're planning that I will not have any extra funds to contribute to these events. It will take everything i have to cover the necessary wedding expenses."

Are you responsible for paying for this stuff if the person asks you to? No. However, why ruin the bride's day by contributing to any potential pettiness. Nothing may come of it, but it doesn't hurt to take steps to prevent a situation from occuring.

Honey I love it when people come up with better words than I have-that's a great post!

 

[bethy]

And, for the record, THIS wouldn't be an appropriate way to handle it either. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid does not mean anyone gets to just hand you an itemized invoice or call with a demand for money...NO ONE. That's incredibly rude, imo.

If someone decides to throw a party, the bill is on them. If the wedding party gets together and says 'Let's throw a shower together' and then agrees upon date/venue/style/budget TOGETHER and agrees upon ahead of time how much everyone will contribute that's appropriate.

For one person to decide on the budget without input from the other in any group is not right. My $.02.

I agree with the above advice. If you decide to host an event then you pay for it. If a group decideds together to host an event then they figure out amongst themselves how to divide up the costs and responsibilities.

There is absolutely no rule that the bridesmaids need to be involved in throwing a shower at all. Often those are hosted by family friends or co-workers, etc. The Bachelorette Party on the other hand does seem to naturally fall more on the bridesmaids' shoulders. But still, the offical obligation is the cost of travelling to the wedding if necessary and the bridesmaid's attire for the wedding.

All that said, I would probably ask if there were anything I could bring. And I would bring a hostess gift to the hostess just like I do for any event.