Child's B-day party: how to state on invitation adults pay extra?

[fan_of_small_world]

On a wierd, slightly related, note...

I had DD's b-day party recently. One mom brought her other child (whom I had never met) but made it clear to her that she would not be doing the activity with the party children. OK, that's fine, at $20 a child I really couldn't have included siblings. And she was good as gold and stayed with her mom the entire time.

I had tons of food, so at food time I asked if she'd like some and she said no (really quietly), although I noticed her mom having some. Then someone told me later that the mom won't allow the kids to accept anything offered to them at the parties that she brings them to if they aren't a guest. But the mom had something!

I just couldn't sit there and eat something in front of my child like that. I mean, I understand wanting to teach your kids not to expect something, and I understand not wanting the hostess to feel obligated, but to have to refuse anything offered by the hostess while you watch your sibling and your mom enjoy? I couldn't do that.

 

[Mo-Yo]

Geeze...sounds like Mommy-Dearest.

You didn't mention what kind of party it was...but it seems like the mom could have brought something to entertain the child...take her outside for a walk...shared her food or paid for her to participate.

 

[kaysmommie]

I wouldn't. I'd either be prepared to pay for everyone, or I'd have the party elsewhere, because I think that with 5 year olds, you'd have to expect that many would need a parent to stay with them.

I agree . At age 5 at least one parent usually accompanies thier child to parties. I would expect to pay the extra for one parent. I think the parent should pay for any siblings since they were not actually invited.

 

[MomofCKJ]

Interesting thread.

As a mother of 3 (ages 9, 7,4) I've been to my share of parties. I NEVER bring the siblings. Never. They weren't invited, the friend of the child was. Unless it is family friends where all the kids are invited which is different. But if it is a school friend and one child is invited, the others would never be brought along. Not fair IMHO.

I have left my kids at parties provided that I know the parents (small town, small school, it is easy to know them). The 4y old I wouldn't yet but I just left the 7y at a gymnastics party this past weekend. I came back quite early and sat and knit while they ate and did gifts but I missed the activity part. I know the parents from school so I was completely comfortable doing this.

My 7y had a party at a petting zoo/play place last fall. It is not cheap and you get XX amount of people for a price, I forget now what it was. Anyway, she only invited 2 girls from school, a family we are close with who have 3 kids and our neighbors who have 2 girls. I went over the allotted amount of people because the Dad of the neighbor girls stayed but no way would I make him pay for himself. I just paid the extra $$ for him. He actually offered but I would not do that. Now if someone showed up with extra siblings/family members that is different and I think they should pay their own way but invited children and one parent I think should definately be covered by the host.

Our school came up with a book called The Friendship Book this year that is great. They sent home a sheet and if you wanted to be included you filled out the info you wanted to share: address, phone, email. This was sent out and lists the classes and the kids with the info the parents provided. Some opted not to participate, some did some info, some all. It is nice for having home contact info when you want to invite some but not all the kids in a class. I have never had a party where I invited all the kids. It is just too many and we have gotton around it by usually mailing the invites or one year we invited just the girls and the teacher discretely put them in the backpacks for me.

Allyson

 

[Mo-Yo]

I NEVER bring the siblings. Never.
Allyson

You are very lucky that you have a husband who does not work weekends...an older child to babysit...a readily available babysitter and money to pay him/her...or a very strong support system (ie. extended family,friends).

Not everyone has those things. As I mentioned, I have brought siblings to parties in public places. My husband works rotating shift work. I help care for my mother who is disabled (my siblings do not live close anymore)...and child care is not always available.

I am most likely to attend the party if I see potential safety issues. If we do go together, I pay my kids' way...or we find ways to be entertained without getting in anyone's way. Often, my kids enjoy watching the older/younger kids enjoy themselves.

I think my experience growing up in a big Irish family is that everyone should feel welcome. That is how I approach any event I have. The door is open. I know culturally, not everyone is comfortable with that. (Even my own husband's family at times).

 

[MomofCKJ]

I do have a DH who is home on weekends and for that I am greatful (or is it grateful, I never remember!) as it wasn't always that way.

To me, it is just an etiquette thing. If the invite is address to the XXX Family or XXX Kids than all of them would be welcomed but if it comes to my 9y old that doesn't mean the 4y is invited too. I wouldn't have a problem doing something else with the other ones if I had to bring them with me but I would never assume they were included in party activities. It sounded like the OP was talking about people who bring siblings and have them participate in the party. That to me is just rude if they are not on the invitiation. To bring them and say tour the museum or whatever by yourselves, not being a part of the party, not having the OP have to pay for your extra uninvited guests is one thing but to join in and have the OP foot the bill for extra kids that were not invited it just not right to me.

To each his own.

Allyson

 

[FayeW]

You pay for everyone. Very tacky to make anyone pay. Same for food and any siblings that will be coming. I have never been to a childrens party where the adults had to pay.

I disagree. It is very tacky to bring additional children who have not specifically been invited, especially to a venue that charges admission, and then expect the host to pay!

I would include a note that says "the party includes **Child's Name** admission to the museum, and admission for one parent, should you like to stay. Additional adults and children are welcome, but are responsible for their own admission. The museum has generously discounted the rate to $3 per child, and $4.50 per adult".

The wording lets them know they are welcome to stay if they like, but it's optional. They are also welcome to bring other children but at their own expense.

 

[tarmand]

Okay, here's my take on this. If I were throwing the party and I could afford the extra costs, I would probably pay for parents. However, if I recieved an ivitation for a party that stated that the child's admission was paid for but that the parents and siblings would have to pay, I would in no way be offended. I personally don't think it is the OPs place to pay for the parents or siblings. I mean, come on, we are talking about $3 here. If a parent can't afford the $3 then they probably can't afford the gas money to get the kid there. I would rather the host of the party spend that extra $3 on the kids than on me. If any parent wants to bring siblings, I also would have no problem with it, but I'd let them know that they had to pay admission for them - if they don't like it, then they don't have to come. And if they think I'm tacky, well, I really wouldn't care. I'm trying to have a fun party for my child and her friends, I'm not trying to win friends and influence people.

Children's parties have become a big production and some people are on a tight budget. It's a shame that some parents can't give their kid a party at their venue choice because they can't afford to pay for the invited kid's entire family - and they sometimes feel that they are expected to.

 

[bethyg]

I am overwhelmed at all the responses. Our town is small with few "family fun" activities to participate in. Most kids preschool age do Chuck E. Cheese or an indoor playplace, or their home. We wanted to be a little different and do the children's museum. They have a party room and we thought it would keep the kids entertained the entire time they were at the party (instead of running out of tokens at CEC and looking for more.....that happened to us at older DS party many years ago. We learned our lesson).

I was surprised that the children's museum would require admission for an adult if accompanying the child to a party, but since the museum charges admission...it makes sense, I guess I just hadn't thought the whole thing through when I scheduled it. Keep in mind, we have not hosted a birthday party in 8 years, and DS 5 has never had a party except cake at home with mom, dad and older brother.

The museum provides invitations and wanted to know upfront if we would be paying for parents so they would know whether to charge them admission when they arrived (or bill to us).

We would be inviting 14 children (so 14 extra parents would be $42) Having a family membership, we get a 10% discount on the party. There would be myself, DH, the "party helper" provided by the museum and DS15 to supervise the children. I would never ask a parent to drop off a pre-school child. Even if we had 1:1 supervision, I would feel horrible if ANYTHING happened on my watch. Always better to be safe than sorry. The children's museum isn't very crowded, so they should have almost the run of the place.

Thanks for some very eye-opening feedback. I think I am going to pay for one adult. In the grand-scheme of things, I can suck up $42 somewhere. The museum provides a souvenir cup filled with party favors to each child, but I like the idea of having small favors of candy/cookies for siblings. Thanks for that great idea! Our class is small and very tight-knit. I think I know nearly each sibling by name. I would love to have all siblings come play at the museum and the staff said the server would adjust cake slices to make sure everyone got a piece (1/3 sheet size). I just don't want to have to PAY for every one else's admission.

 

[dizkids]

You will be fine. Have fun! Happy Birthday to your little one

 

[Mo-Yo]

You sound like a very gracious and considerate host. I am sure everyone will be grateful...and have a wondeful time.

 

[kinntj]

It looks like you got some great responses and have come up with a reasonable solution. Some of the responses were

Our oldest DD is having her 5th birthday party at CEC in May and she'll be inviting 10 girls from her preschool class. We have decided to pay for invited child and parent, because it's the age and type of place that we'll need sufficient supervision. We won't and can't pay extra for someone else to attend, because we plan on getting extra tokens to make sure each kid has plenty to keep entertained.

This will be the only blowout party she has. The others will be sleep overs and maybe a few friends to a bowling alley or something. Her 6th birthday, we'll be in WDW, so no big party for her then.

Have Fun!

 

[Worfiedoodles]

Just a note to the OP -- I'm sure no one would ever do this to you but...ds turned 9 at the end of January. We had his party in a sports-themed party place, where the kids can play an organized game like dodgeball or soccer. Anyway, I had one guest who showed up w/o an RSVP, and who brought his three brothers. So I had four extra guests I had not expected. This was not a problem, but I would really rather have known that the guest and his siblings were coming ahead of time. We have plenty of siblings, but by this time, I know who's little brother is always coming, so I can plan appropriately. I do goodie bags for all attendees, unless they are infants. Since ds is a bit older, the siblings tend to be 3-7, 10-11. This is plenty big enough to realize they aren't getting a little bag and burst into tears (not the big ones, of course!). It's just easier to have more than enough. I have enough of the "real" bag for older sibs, and usually do preschool bags for the little ones. I also only have one child, so this is the only party I have to do all year. I'm sure that makes a difference. I do cheerfully pay for siblings, because ds has a small class, and we know these people. We see them all the time. I would not want to pay for strangers. Parents do stay for parties here. We've been having/attending them since ds turned 5, and all the parents always stay. I usually get coffee and/or donuts for morning parties, and order enough pizza/soda/cake for afternoon ones. But, I do tend to go overboard. I actually felt guilty because a new mom brought a 3 mos. sibling, and I didn't have an appropriate goody bag!

Because ds has a January birthday, I would never do a party in our home. Actually, he has only attended a few parties that were in homes, and they are usually pool parties, or the parents have rented a Bounce and throw a giant barbeque w/alcohol for parents, too. Those are the people I don't try to keep up with!