Childrens and Funerals

[Lewski709]

While I wanted to post this originally on the DB, I thought maybe it would not be DBable enough. So, here goes:

When and do you take your children to funerals? Do you think it may haunt them, the reality? The body? Do you let them touch?

I am all for discussing death with them, but to this day I really try to stay as far as I can away from funerals and viewings. I know there are times when I am going to have to go, but it doesn't make it easier.

I went as a child to my grandfather's. I think I was around 10. I knew, was taught, about death being part of the circle of life, heaven and hell.

My 5yr old understand death as we have lost a dog, but he did not see the dog dead. We talk about her and her being in heaven. He knows about heaven. Haven't talked about hell, he can learn that in religious ed.

Thoughts?

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

It depends on the child's age, mautrity and understanding, i think. I wouldn't presume to tell another parent that they should/should not take thier chidl to a funeral.

When my grnadmother died a few years ago, I felt my children were too yung to go to the funeral. they were 4 and 6 at the time.

11 months later, we had an "unveiling" -- that's a Jewish ceremony at the cemetery, where the headstone is placed and a memorial service is held. I brought my children to the unveiling, because the emotions are not as intense, and it was easier for my children to handle.

my children barely knew my grandmother, as she was in her 90's and physically and mentally incapacitated for several years before she died. had it been a closer relative, I might have chosen a different path.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In my family (extended as well) everybody goes. All ages, doesn't matter. That is what is normal to us.
It would be wierd to leave someone out.

My kids have been to about 10 funerals. The last one was in Nov. No they are not haunted or fearful. We are sad, open and discuss things.

But that is what is normal to us.

 

[nkjzmom]

My Grandma passed away last May. We were very, very close to her. I did not bring my children to the viewing the night before the funeral. An hour before the funeral the family gathered together for some quiet time together and I did bring them then. We let them approach her as they felt comfortable...surprisingly, they each wanted to touch or kiss her. For the actual funeral and interment we had a neighbor keep the youngest 2 (4 and 2 years) but brought our 9 and 6 year olds.

It really depends on the child. Only a parent can judge. We talk often about our lives here on earth and what we believe happens after we die. I think it helped our children to be able to see Grandma's body, to say goodbye to her that way...but to know also that she was with her parents and her daughter that had passed away as a young mother.

 

[WilmaBud]

My kids are 10 and 7, and they've been to 3 funerals. I've never hesitated to take them. We've always openly discussed death, heaven, etc. I've told them that we go to funerals to comfort the living and to say a final goodbye to the deceased.

Death is a part of life, and I don't want it shrouded in secrecy or mystery for my kids. I think that's a lot scarier for them.

 

[believe]

When my Mom passed away in January we took both DDs (6 and 3). I asked the 6 yr old if she wanted to see Nene's body, explaining to her that it is only the body, etc. She did. The actual service was closed casket, only the family time was open. I thought DD had understood that Nene was gone and they would never see her again, but when they wheeled the casket out DD said she wanted to see Nene again. I believe she would not have truly understood without seeing my Mom. It is definitely up to every family to make this decision. As for going to friend's funerals, I do not take them.

 

[CEDmom]

Personally, I have a really hard time handling an open casket. It's not something I find necessary when paying respects and saying goodbye. I don't think I would bring DD to a viewing at her age but I would bring her to a funeral. It would really depend on who had died.

My dad died when I was 8. I didn't go to the viewing but I did go to the funeral and the cemetary. Looking back on it doing these things helped me say goodbye and also helped me see how many people loved my dad.

 

[aprincessmom]

My DD was young when both her grandmother (her father's mom with whom she wasn't close) and great-grandmother (my nana with whom she was close) died...about 4 years old. I didn't want her to go to the wakes or funerals but she was adamant that she wanted to attend her great grandmother's wake and say good-bye.

I explained to her what happened at a wake and funeral and let her decide which one she wanted to attend. She chose the wake. We went early, when it was just family. She knew she could stay in the back or go up front, which ever she decided. She decided to go up to the casket which, of course, was exactly what I was hoping she wouldn't do.

She knew about death and life, how it was a cycle. She knew about heaven from a very simple viewpoint. And those final minutes she spent with her "great-nana" were touching and ones she remembers to this day. She talked to her at length, telling her she knew she was dead but knew she could hear her. She told her she looked pretty in her dress but she missed seeing her with her glasses on, that she loved her very much and liked that she was always "gentle" with her and that she could live forever in her heart. And then she touched her hand and said "Good bye...I'll see you in heaven when I'm much older".

She talks about her great grandmother from time to time, always rememberances of moments they shared. She's 8 now and has not chosen to attend any other wakes or funerals (there have been a lot these past few years). I think it was a good experience for all of us, one that she had control over and one that she remembers as being a good experience and not scarring or upsetting.

Each child is different, each child responds differently but I think if you allow them a certain amount of control it can be a positive experience.

 

[suzannen]

I grew up that all of us went to close family funerals. I remember kissing a beloved uncle goodbye at age 5 and don't think it scarred me in anyway.

Right after my ex-husband and I separated, my former FIL died. Since DD was only 5, my ex was adamant that DD should not go, so I kept her with me that day and we talked about her grandfather and looked at photos. Fast forward 15 years. When she was 20 she asked my why she did not go to her "Poppy's" funeral. After I explained that it was felt she was too young, she told me that she knew that decision had been made in her best interest, but that she felt the decision was wrong. To this day she feels like her grandfather simply "evaporated" (her words), went into thin air and she never got to say goodbye properly and there is still a feeling of no closure for her . I guess we let her down by not giving her the opportunity to say goodbye in her own way. I won't make that same decision with my other DD, I'll leave it up to her.

 

[CamColt]

I think it depends on the kids and how much it would bother them, one way or the other.
When FIL passed away we took our kids to the wake and the memorial service. They were 5 1/2 & 2 1/2 at the time. They were ok with it. As we were leaving the wake we took the kids to see Papa one more time and my youngest waved and said "Bye Papa!". It was something we know he would have gotten a kick out of.

 

[WDWLVR]

From personal experience only - the earlier the better. I was raised Irish Catholic in Chicago which means when someone died everyone went to the wake. Of course as many know Irish Catholic wakes are often filled with laughter celebrating the life of the person and stories about them.

When I was in 8th grade a classmate died. I went to that wake with one of my 2 best friends. One didn't go because she had never been and didn't want to start then. The other this was her first wake as she had been shielded by others in her family. I kind of felt sorry for them.

The family I married into does not do well at wakes either and there are no longer young kids in the family.

My opinion only - the earlier you start - the easier it is.

 

[goofy4tink]

When my mom dies last Oct. we were also unsure as to what my dd, then almost 10, should do. But, she was extremely close to her Meme and the funeral director told us there was an area the grandkids could stay in that was near the formal viewing area. DD said that was fine with her. But, she decided on her own that she wanted to see Meme one last time. But from a distance.
The end of the calling hours came and it was time for private family time and good-bys. My dd, bless her heart, walked right up to that casket and knelt down and talked to her Meme. She actually stroked her grandmother's arm and then kissed her fingertips and touched them to her Meme's face. I just stood there and wept.
At the funeral itself, dd helped me carry the wine and bread to the altar, right by the casket. Her Meme would/was so proud.
We make it a point to talk about Meme all the time. We cry when we want and allow her to be sad.
I guess it's up to each family and how they feel the child would react. Have to say that my dd did a better job than her older cousins.

 

[cgcw]

When my brother passed away, DS was 6 at the time. We were torn between taking him or leaving him with the friend staying with our 1 year old. DS was adament, he wanted to go. We took him to both the wake and funeral. The funeral was the hardest part for him -- because of our emotions and seeing us upset. Our thought was if we didn't take him for his uncle, the next time might be a closer relative and even harder.

It was a good choice for us.

FIL passed away a year ago. Both DS8 & DS3 attended the wake and funeral. DH wouldn't have it any other way. Again, it was a good choice for us. DS8 felt like he had a part in not only saying good bye but in comforting his Dad. DS8 & DS3 were also very proud to be honorary pall bearers. DS3 didn't understand much other than to question how "Grampie" was going to get out of the ground at the cemetary.

I really feel it's a personal decision and one that needs to be made by a family depending on their situation.

 

[Lewski709]

Originally posted by CamColt
I thik it depends on the kids and how much it would bother them, one way or the other.
When FIL passed away we took our kids to the wake and the memorial service. They were 5 1/2 & 2 1/2 at the time. They were ok with it. As we were leaving the wake we took the kids to see Papa one more time and my youngest waved and said "Bye Papa!". It was something we know he would have gotten a kick out of.

This really brought tears to me. My kids call grandpa, papa.

 

[skiwee1]

I have always brought my kids to viewings and funerals. The only time I haven't is when I thought the kids might upset others by being too noisy or something. I was taken to viewings and funerals from the time I was born and it never bothered me. As a matter of fact, it fascinated me seeing the people in the coffins. Creepy I know but I grew up wanting to be a mortician or something in the same field.

 

[Disney Doll]

I htink it depends on the kid, but I don't think it should be a secret.

That being said, I don't think young children necessarily need to spend all 4 hours at the wake. I think some time to say good-bye, do their thing, and then they should go with a trusted babysitter. As far as going to the funeral, I thnk if a child can behave well enough in church, then it's fine for them to go. Funerals...the ceremony of it etc...do give a sense of closure, and also allow the child to see how many people loved the dead relative. However, if church is not something you normally do with your child, then it might be tough to expect them to behave well for the length of a time a funeral takes. My SIL had her children at my DFIL's funeral, and they were not well-behaved, and their carrying-on and scuffling around in the pew behind me was so annoying that when I heard her husband ask if he should take the kids out of the church for a while, I turned around and said "YES!". The children were too young to have an appreciation for what was going on, and it really disturbed the mourining of the other people there.

 

[sha_lyn]

Both of my kids have been to viewings from an early age. DS was 4 when MIL passed away. I believe DS mgiht have to been to viewings or funerals for distant relative before then. We really had no choice but to bring him to the funeral home and funeral, since the funeral was out of state and all the family members in MI went to the funeral. When the grandkids went up together (other than DS the youngest was about 12) DS insisted on going. He didn't know MIL all that well, and took it all in stride. He was very insistent about touching my maternal Grandmother when she passed when he was 7. They were very close, and I think he needed the closure. Sometime between those 2 deaths a second cousin died.When we went to the funeral home. DS wanted to go right up to the body then too. DS had never met him.

DD has only been to my paternal grandmothers viewing when she was 2. Best I remember she kissed DGM. Didn't seem to bother her at all.

When Iwas 6 or 7 my Paternal GF died. I did not go to the funeral home or funeral. I wish I had. My parents I think were trying to protect me. I also think I went to the funeral home but not in the viewing room when my great grandmother died. she died about 6 months after my GF. We were very close and I wish I had a chance to say goodbye.

 

[Tiger Fan]

I think it depends on the child and how close they were to the person who has passed. Emily went to my uncle's funeral this past September. She was 6 then and our family is VERY close to his family and she was close to "uncle Jimmy". I was very worried about her seeing the body for the first time, but she seemed very at ease. She touched the body and looked into the casket. She asked very age appropriate questions and hasn't seemed the least bit "haunted" by it. My sister took my niece who was 5 at the time also with no adverse effects. When my great-grandmother died the year before I did not take Emily as she was not close to this relative. It's a tough decision, but I always vote for as much honesty as possible with children.
Lisa

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

I went to my first funeral this past May...4 days before my 18th birthday.
My brother who was 12 and my sister who was 8 went with me an dmy parents and my cousins who are under the age of 5 were also there.

I don't think it really clicked for my siblings but I was actually the one who took it the hardest.
It was for my great-grandfather so I had the most time to be with me between me and my siblings which is why I think it was so hard for me.

I think it depends on the situation but it doesn'tr matter how old the kid is...they could be 18 like i was it will still leave an impact in some way.

 

[Freyja]

My mother died very suddenly while we were staying at her house on holiday, almost 2 years ago. My kids were 7, 5 and 3 months at the time.

As soon as I told them that Grandma had passed away, they immediately asked if they could see her. I didn´t allow them (because she had been lying in her bed for over 10 hours), but promised them that they could see her in her casket.

In the following days we discussed this alot, told them what she would look like, that she had her pillow and blanket, and also made sure to tell them that if in the end they didn´t want to go through with it it was o.k

On the day of the viewing we took them to see Grandma for the last time. We had made an agreement with the reverent that he would meet with us before the other guests came and speak to the children and say a little prayer with us. This was such quality time, and I am so glad we did it that way. My kids put some drawings for grandma in her casket, talked to her and patted her on her cheeks (which was more than I could).

They still talk about this often, and when they hear about other kids that aren´t allowed to viewings or funerals they get upset. Just the other day, we were speakig of this and they said: Why can´t people understand that it made it so much easier to see that she was lying comfortably and looked so beautiful.

I guess that says it all.