Childless, not by choice

[StarlitNight05]

I have felt so off lately. It's been hitting harder...my 40th birthday is next year and all I can do is feel dispair thinking about my (and my DH's) future. We have not been able to conceive after many years, and I guess this year feels like the rope has run out. It feels equally hard since my happy place (Disneyland) tends to remind me of what I don't have, but desperately want. I also carry guilt of never being able to give my parents grandchildren, while I watch them age.

On top of it, I have the most insensitive boss. She's always telling me how easy it must be and how good I have it...before our holiday break she told me to have fun watching TV with my cats, and I absolutely lost it (not in front of her, but after the fact). She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but she's the type of person who is always complaining about her child...I wish she knew how the flip side could feel.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I just feel so lost and sad and needed to vent. I'm trying to stay positive planning our trips for next year, but that's not even helping like it normally does.

 

[Giraffe_Zen]

I have felt so off lately. It's been hitting harder...my 40th birthday is next year and all I can do is feel dispair thinking about my (and my DH's) future. We have not been able to conceive after many years, and I guess this year feels like the rope has run out. It feels equally hard since my happy place (Disneyland) tends to remind me of what I don't have, but desperately want. I also carry guilt of never being able to give my parents grandchildren, while I watch them age.

On top of it, I have the most insensitive boss. She's always telling me how easy it must be and how good I have it...before our holiday break she told me to have fun watching TV with my cats, and I absolutely lost it (not in front of her, but after the fact). She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but she's the type of person who is always complaining about her child...I wish she knew how the flip side could feel.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I just feel so lost and sad and needed to vent. I'm trying to stay positive planning our trips for next year, but that's not even helping like it normally does.

I completely understand where you are. My DH and I were where you are with this less than a decade ago. If you want, I'd be willing talk with you over DM. Hang in there.

 

[mommasita]

Vent away. People often don’t think before they speak. I have learned to,
I am sorry you have gone through such a hard time. Would you not think of telling her?
I understand from a different angle listening to people vent and complain about their kids. I give the grace. I just wish I had the opportunity to be able to.

Again, this board is for compassion and hugs

 

[StarlitNight05]

Vent away. People often don’t think before they speak. I have learned to,
I am sorry you have gone through such a hard time. Would you not think of telling her?
I understand from a different angle listening to people vent and complain about their kids. I give the grace. I just wish I had the opportunity to be able to.

Again, this board is for compassion and hugs

Thanks for the kind words. I think the issue with my boss is she isn't a very approachable or understanding person so it's hard to open up about things (she tends to like to talk about herself quite a bit). I know my sensitivities about her comments is an issue on my end, especially since I haven't shared that. I don't blame her, but I just wish she would stop telling me how "easy" I have it.