Childless, not by choice

[StarlitNight05]

I have felt so off lately. It's been hitting harder...my 40th birthday is next year and all I can do is feel dispair thinking about my (and my DH's) future. We have not been able to conceive after many years, and I guess this year feels like the rope has run out. It feels equally hard since my happy place (Disneyland) tends to remind me of what I don't have, but desperately want. I also carry guilt of never being able to give my parents grandchildren, while I watch them age.

On top of it, I have the most insensitive boss. She's always telling me how easy it must be and how good I have it...before our holiday break she told me to have fun watching TV with my cats, and I absolutely lost it (not in front of her, but after the fact). She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but she's the type of person who is always complaining about her child...I wish she knew how the flip side could feel.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I just feel so lost and sad and needed to vent. I'm trying to stay positive planning our trips for next year, but that's not even helping like it normally does.

 

[Giraffe_Zen]

I have felt so off lately. It's been hitting harder...my 40th birthday is next year and all I can do is feel dispair thinking about my (and my DH's) future. We have not been able to conceive after many years, and I guess this year feels like the rope has run out. It feels equally hard since my happy place (Disneyland) tends to remind me of what I don't have, but desperately want. I also carry guilt of never being able to give my parents grandchildren, while I watch them age.

On top of it, I have the most insensitive boss. She's always telling me how easy it must be and how good I have it...before our holiday break she told me to have fun watching TV with my cats, and I absolutely lost it (not in front of her, but after the fact). She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but she's the type of person who is always complaining about her child...I wish she knew how the flip side could feel.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I just feel so lost and sad and needed to vent. I'm trying to stay positive planning our trips for next year, but that's not even helping like it normally does.

I completely understand where you are. My DH and I were where you are with this less than a decade ago. If you want, I'd be willing talk with you over DM. Hang in there.

 

[mommasita]

Vent away. People often don’t think before they speak. I have learned to,
I am sorry you have gone through such a hard time. Would you not think of telling her?
I understand from a different angle listening to people vent and complain about their kids. I give the grace. I just wish I had the opportunity to be able to.

Again, this board is for compassion and hugs

 

[StarlitNight05]

Vent away. People often don’t think before they speak. I have learned to,
I am sorry you have gone through such a hard time. Would you not think of telling her?
I understand from a different angle listening to people vent and complain about their kids. I give the grace. I just wish I had the opportunity to be able to.

Again, this board is for compassion and hugs

Thanks for the kind words. I think the issue with my boss is she isn't a very approachable or understanding person so it's hard to open up about things (she tends to like to talk about herself quite a bit). I know my sensitivities about her comments is an issue on my end, especially since I haven't shared that. I don't blame her, but I just wish she would stop telling me how "easy" I have it.

 

[Summer2018]

People have no idea how heartless they can be. We all go through painful things and you would think that others would behave more compassionately because of that.

I experienced infertility for many years and feared that I would never become a mother. My mother died young, and the idea of never having that same mother/daughter relationship with my own child devastated me. I sought help at church and attended a prayer and healing service every week. After many surgeries, fertility drugs, and IVF, I eventually had my daughter. Her twin didn’t make it to term. We had planned on adopting from China if IVF didn’t work. Some of my friends adopted, some did IVF, and some became pregnant without any effort at all. My friends who easily conceived had no clue how many times their comments broke my heart. Some negatively judged me for going to great lengths to conceive, and others commended me. I learned to ignore the hurtful words and live my life being true to myself.

Bottom line: most people are self-centered and are oblivious to how impactful their insensitive comments are. My advice is to consider the source and try not to let her affect you. She is clearly unkind. She is not worth your energy.

 

[Rogue1677x]

I have felt so off lately. It's been hitting harder...my 40th birthday is next year and all I can do is feel dispair thinking about my (and my DH's) future. We have not been able to conceive after many years, and I guess this year feels like the rope has run out. It feels equally hard since my happy place (Disneyland) tends to remind me of what I don't have, but desperately want. I also carry guilt of never being able to give my parents grandchildren, while I watch them age.

On top of it, I have the most insensitive boss. She's always telling me how easy it must be and how good I have it...before our holiday break she told me to have fun watching TV with my cats, and I absolutely lost it (not in front of her, but after the fact). She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but she's the type of person who is always complaining about her child...I wish she knew how the flip side could feel.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I just feel so lost and sad and needed to vent. I'm trying to stay positive planning our trips for next year, but that's not even helping like it normally does.

Sending you hugs. I had a close friend who dealt with infertility for a long time and I watched her and her husband go through the emotional roller-coaster.

 

[Dan Murphy]

's @StarlitNight05. Been there in the past. Married in 1971. No biological kids after trying for 5 years. Adopted our son, Vince, 1977, now 48 years old. Adopted daughter, Natalie, 1980, now 45 years old. Can't imagine it not happening that way, for us, for them. People do say things that they should think through, though typically no consciously trying to be hurtful, more just not knowingly.