Childfree by choice?

[Princess_Ariel_5]

Hello everyone! Lately, having children has been on my mind. I'm getting married in a few months and some friends have recently announced pregnancies so I've been thinking about children. I'm very happy for my friends who are pregnant because they've been wanting it to happen, but I just can't see myself being pregnant and raising a child. My fiancé and I are on the same page of not wanting children right now. I'm just wondering if there is a defining moment when you realize that you KNOW that you want kids or don't want kids. Every time I mention that I'm not sure if I want kids, people react as if I just said the most ridiculous thing. Everyone says "you'll change your mind!" But I'm just not sure. How did you decide to either have children or not have children?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't have a real answer, because I always, from a very young age, knew I wanted to have kids and be a mother.

But, not everyone is like me.
I do know others who have lived their lives without having kids.
I also know others who have kids, and really aren't well prepared and equipped to be a parent.

If you and your future husband are on the same page for now... then take that as it is!
I would, however, ask him how he might feel if you did change your mind and decide that having a child, children, was very important to you.
If your feelings change, and your desire to have a baby and your maternal instinct do kick in... That can be very strong.
If I thought that maybe I wasn't ready, but might want to be a parent in the future, I would want to know that this wouldn't be an absolute game-changer for my future husband.

It is what both of you, your husband and yourself, decide that matters.
No matter if you do start getting those 'well meaning' but not really appropriate comments and questions from anybody else!

 

[low-key]

only way to be certain not to have children is dont do the wild thang

 

[QueenIsabella]

If it makes you feel better, I was very, very ambivalent about having children. Right up until the cord was cut! Seriously! It's okay to be unsure--it's a huge, life-altering event. That was my problem--I liked the life I had, why change things? I went on to have 4 kids, and I can't imagine what I thought I would miss from my "old" life. That said, parenthood isn't for everyone. If it's not for you, that's perfectly fine. If it's not for you right now, but might be, down the road--that's fine, too. We were married 8 years before we had our first child. Ignore the well-intentioned busybodies, and go with a plan and schedule that works for you.

Added tip: if you do have children, there's no "right" number. You might have one and decide your'e done, you might have one and decide you want 5 more. Totally your choice.

 

[sonnyjane]

Heck no. Don't want them. Don't have them. Won't have them thanks to DH agreeing to take permanent measures to prevent it. I've always known it was a hard "no".

 

[Squirlz]

Always thought I would as a kid but it just never happened and I have no regrets.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I have known for most of my life that I wasn't destined for children. I like kids, I adored my nieces and nephew when they were kids (admire and adore them as wonderful adults). I guess around the time my sister was having her kids and they were young I realized that I didn't want the responsibility of children of my own;I liked being able to babysit and then hand them over at the end of the day. I got the experience of parenting without all of the cares and woes. Today, I'm very happy with my decision. I like being the batty old aunt.

 

[wilkeliza]

The ony thing I would say is consider what you both want. Not right now is very different then never. I want kids and when I first told people not right now it was fine. I was young, not yet married, great. I met my fiance and we talked and it is still not right now but eventually yes we want kids no matter how we go about having them (biological, adopted, etc). If he had switched from not right now to never I wouldn't have continued the relationship. I know a few people that thought not right now from their partner ment at some point but not right now but it really meant never and they did regret it.

Whatever you choice is though it is between you two and no one else. Just make sure you figure out what side of not right now your on.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

The defining moment for me was when I found out I was pregnant. I had no intention of having kids. When I experienced vomiting, pain, swelling, etc, I convinced myself I had a stomach tumor. I went to the doctor asking them to test me for cancer. My doctor basically laughed at me & told me I was pregnant. (In my defense, my aunt had recently been diagnosed with a cancerous tumor.) I was terrified, because I didn't want kids & didn't think I could be a good Mom. (I was a little self centered at that time.) That fear lingered until DS was born. I literally fell asleep after the delivery terrified. I took a nap, then woke up in love with my DS. Miraculously, I suddenly knew how to be a Mom. After having him, we wanted more kids, but it wasn't meant to be. I am so thankful that I wasn't the deciding factor. My DS was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Having kids isn't for everyone, but I was wrong in thinking it wasn't for me. I simply didn't know what was best for me. My only advice is to do what you think is best, but be open to the idea that you could be wrong.

 

[ols386]

I have always known I wanted kids. I have known some couples who didn't want kids, but then had kids, and were great parents and were glad they had kids after all.

 

[Jennasis]

I've known pretty much my whole life. DH as well.

 

[Lisa F]

Luckily if you think you don't want kids and you change your mind, there is a simple solution to that... you have kids. I think for most people if they are going to change their minds it happens in early to mid 30's. That said, it is a lot easier than thinking you want to have kids and then changing your mind on that If you are young, there is no rush to "decide." Just live your life, use birth control, and if you change your minds someday the option is still there for you longer now than ever before. I'm assuming since your peers are having kids you are in the younger childbearing age range and not of the age where your clock would be ticking if you were interested in something like that. That said it might be useful to have the "what if" conversation with your fiance now... are you both open to change or is one of you a completely adamant "no" while the other is on the fence? That is the kind of thing that could and should be worked out before getting married because it can only lead to misery later if you have different wants in that department.

 

[amberpi]

I never wanted a child and had opportunities to do so. I'm happy with my choice.

 

[rastahomie]

I wanted kids, then found out Mrs. Homie and I couldn't have them, then realized (after much soul-searching and checking out a few library books) that it's possible to have a full and enjoyable life without them. That was 20 years ago, haven't looked back. I do, at times, regret not having kids, but that's only on very rare occasions.

By the way, I don't like the term "childfree." It suggests that I'm free of something undesirable, like drug-free or disease-free. Similarly, I don't like the term "childless," as it suggests I lack something that, by all rights, I should have. I prefer the neutral term "non-parent."

 

[leebee]

I was pretty ambivalent about having children. I didn't really want to have a kid. Then one day when I was about 28, I saw a woman walking down the street with a kid who I'd guess was about 4. They were having a normal, every day conversation, and I thought, "Huh. I could do that." It's not like I heard my biological clock ticking or thought "oh wow, I want a baby" or anything like that. I just realized that if I did get pregnant, I'd be OK with it. By the time I was 32 I really wanted to have a baby, and by the time I was 35 I realized that I probably wasn't going to have kids, and I was very OK with that. I liked our life and everything we had and did, and was fine without being parents. Then... 36... surprise, I was pregnant! DD is now almost 24 and is truly the brightest, best part of my life. I have absolutely loved being her mother, and she and I are closer than best friends. She is my sunshine! Having been her mother, I can't imagine NOT having had DD, but if I hadn't I would have been OK with that- I wouldn't have known differently and was happy with the life we had.

 

[Christine]

There was never a defining moment for me. I never felt that drive to have children but some part of me always likes to "try everything once" and, on the flip side, I wasn't sure that I wanted to be childfree either.

For me, my birth control failed and that took care of the decision.

 

[glassslippergirl]

My advice is don't let other people pressure you. It's one of those topics that people can be really rude about, and they don't realize it. For example, when you mention to others that you may not want to have children, the respectful answer is that it's your choice. That's what people SHOULD say, but you know from experience it's not what they do say; they give an answer to make themselves feel like they know better. Once you get married, brace yourself-- it will happen even more often. I basically stopped talking to one of my cousins who was especially rude about it.

We decided to have a child after we were married for five years and we're both 36 (so a little bit older than typical first-time parents-- at least we're older than most of DS's friends' parents). Our child was planned and desired at that point. We were ready. To respond to your initial question, we were ready to go from the nebulous "maybe we will someday" to "it's the right time" when we felt emotionally and financially secure. These things can change, we know, but for us, that's when the time was right. Beware-- the pressure from others (and the rudeness) may not even end at that point. I am CERTAIN that I don't want any more. I can provide those who ask with specific reasons why. Still, the questions about when we're having another and even the dictums about why only children are wrong continue (even though they know that I and my father are only children, too).

 

[Nancyg56]

I wanted kids, then found out Mrs. Homie and I couldn't have them, then realized (after much soul-searching and checking out a few library books) that it's possible to have a full and enjoyable life without them. That was 20 years ago, haven't looked back. I do, at times, regret not having kids, but that's only on very rare occasions.

By the way, I don't like the term "childfree." It suggests that I'm free of something undesirable, like drug-free or disease-free. Similarly, I don't like the term "childless," as it suggests I lack something that, by all rights, I should have. I prefer the neutral term "non-parent."

My oldest son and his wife wanted children and are not able to have them. While I am certain that they would have made wonderful parents and provides a warm, loving and stable home to children, it was not meant to be. Like you, they have made a life that is filled. They seldom share how they feel about this void in their lives, but I know that there are times that they very much miss children running through their home. I belive that referring to them as "child free" or "child less" would be insulting.

I think that the desire to have children or to not have them evolves over time, and is very complicated. I respect when a couple decides that for what ever reason children are not part of their plan, and truly wish others woudl as well. Unless someone is very close, it is pretty rude to open that discussion with them. I have never asked my youngest DS and his DW why they do not have a child. They told us that they did not want kids, and we left it at that. I figure they have their reasons and prefer not to discuss them. That goes for those couples who want kids and have not had them...I woudl never ask about that, why would anyone open a wound that is so personal?

 

[janicept]

When I was 8 I remember thinking of what I would name a child. My parents divorced shortly after. The next defining moment in my mind was at 12 when my friend told me that when people grow up they will be just like their parents. I felt strongly at that point that I shouldn't have kids. As I got older I realized that I don't have the coping skills or commitment level required to raise children. Children have to be your number one priority in life in my opinion. I also was told most of my life I will change my mind but just learned to ignore that. I'm almost 40 now and people will say "it's not too late". People that have always looked forward to having kids don't seem to understand why someone wouldn't. For the past 17 years I was always able to say no kids but "I have cats - they're much easier to take care of". My last cat had to be put to sleep just after Christmas last year and I don't think I will get anymore. It's just so sad to see them get old and die. I still get sad when I think about it. I work at a nursing home so I frequently have people tell me that I'm so patient and that I would be a great Mother but I just think "I'm so patient because I can go home, watch TV, and take a nap" or whatever I want to do for that matter. I've had the occasional patient tell me it's selfish to not have kids but my feeling is that it would be selfish to have kids I didn't want. The most frequent negative thing I hear is that I won't have anyone to take care of me when I get old. To this I reply "maybe not but I will have a lot money". Also working at a nursing home I see plenty of people whose children never visit, have passed away before them, or are just waiting for them to pass away so they can get their inheritance.

You will find your own way as you go. When I met my current husband he said he wanted kids but I made it very clear I didn't. As he got to know me he said he would be fine with whatever I wanted. No kids is fine or having kids would be fine too. Now that we've been married for 8 years I realize he would be fine either way because if we had kids he would have expected me to take care of them like his Mother took care of her children. I'm also divorced and my first husband was indifferent about children also. Obviously because of the divorce I'm soooo thankful we didn't have kids. The last time I saw him was the day he signed the divorce papers. I can't imagine having kids and constantly having to see the person I was once married to. Having kids is for life and you only get so much control over how they turn out. I grew up in the 80s so before cell phones and internet - much easier back then.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I didn't think I wanted kids when I was young, but by the time I got married I had changed my mind. I have four, all grown now, and they are the light of my life. I absolutely loved being a mother, and now I love being a grandmother (I have eight grandchildren so far!). They enrich my life so much and I can't imagine not having them.

One of my sisters said early on that she did not want children, and she married a man who also didn't want any. But as time went by, she changed her mind. He did not. They divorced, and she remarried a few years later and had two children. It was hard for her to decide to divorce her first husband, but she's very happy being a mother.
I was surprised by my sister's change of heart because she had been quite adamant about not having any.