Childfree by choice?

[perditax]

I've never wanted kids. I'm only a few years away from it being academic.

The only regret I've ever had is I won't have anyone to take care of me when I get old--and that seems like a terribly selfish reason to bring someone else onto this overpopulated planet (fun fact: planet population has doubled just in the time WDW has been in existence. Consider this the next time you're looking at the crowd calendar). Additionally, my SO and I both have questionable DNA--to put it quite bluntly, we both had felons for fathers, both now deceased.

I have the type of personality (and the type of mother) that means no one has ever bugged me about it. They probably know better, given my tendency to rant about overpopulation.

 

[sonnyjane]

I've never wanted kids. I'm only a few years away from it being academic.

The only regret I've ever had is I won't have anyone to take care of me when I get old--and that seems like a terribly selfish reason to bring someone else onto this overpopulated planet

You can use the $250,000 it takes to raise a child to the age of 18 (so that's NOT including any potential funds spent on college) and get yourself into a nice care facility when you're old and need it.

 

[anniemae]

It is such a personal decision. In our society it seems you MUST follow these steps, or you are living life wrong:

to to college
meet significant other
fall in love
get married
buy a house
have a baby
have another baby

done. you have succeeded at life.


I hate that we place so much pressure on people to live life "right." Just do what makes you happy. Never have kids to satisfy someone else, or because it's what you think you "should" do. Get married, or not. Have kids, or don't. It's all good.

 

[perditax]

You can use the $250,000 it takes to raise a child to the age of 18 (so that's NOT including any potential funds spent on college) and get yourself into a nice care facility when you're old and need it.

Point. I'm ramping up the existing IRA as we speak because I am witnessing first-hand with my widowed mother what happens when you don't bother planning for these things. :/ (Did I mention the felon father? Left her with absolutely nothing. And yes, she made her own choices too. But I'm still left holding the bag. And even if I had kids, let's be clear, I would not want to put this on them.)

(I'm secretly hoping that by the time I hit that age we'll have the technology that means I can spend my end of life care in a fun virtual reality game =D)

 

[perditax]

It is such a personal decision. In our society it seems you MUST follow these steps, or you are living life wrong:

to to college
meet significant other
fall in love
get married
buy a house
have a baby
have another baby

done. you have succeeded at life.


I hate that we place so much pressure on people to live life "right." Just do what makes you happy. Never have kids to satisfy someone else, or because it's what you think you "should" do. Get married, or not. Have kids, or don't. It's all good.

There's a phrase for this I'm hearing younger people use, I think they call it the "life script" or something, and some of them are rebelling against it (in theory). But based on my own friends' experiences, it seems like for most people, once that biological clock/reality of your own mortality kicks in hard, your intention not to follow the life script can melt away pretty easily.

I also know more than one couple who did the "we just left it up to fate/god" thing.

(No. You didn't leave it up to fate. You had unprotected sex, and your body did what it is designed to do, what it predictably does--it made a baby. You chose to have a baby. JMO.)

 

[sonnyjane]

Point. I'm ramping up the existing IRA as we speak because I am witnessing first-hand with my widowed mother what happens when you don't bother planning for these things. :/ (Did I mention the felon father? Left her with absolutely nothing. And yes, she made her own choices too. But I'm still left holding the bag. And even if I had kids, let's be clear, I would not want to put this on them.)

(I'm secretly hoping that by the time I hit that age we'll have the technology that means I can spend my end of life care in a fun virtual reality game =D)

I'm the oldest child (and only non-felon - see, you're in good company!) in my family. That means I'm holding the bag too. It's a crap job and I know that's not why my mother had me, but I guess what I'm saying is that it's DEFINITELY not a reason to bring someone into this world. She can move near to me if she likes, but I will not be living WITH my mother when the time comes. I can pitch in toward her care, but our dynamic doesn't work in close quarters. And like I said, my other two siblings are worthless in this department, more of a burden than a help by far. Don't count on your kids (general you) to be there when you need them.

 

[Vijoge]

I desperately wanted children but was infertile. I spent 8 years dealing with fertility treatments that didn't work, tears, and then more tears due to people asking "When are you ever going to have a baby? Don't you want kids?"

Adopted son #1, then had to put up with those who seemed to believe that instead of just being happy for me their primary job was to inform me at every opportunity that "Now that you've adopted you'll get pregnant and finally have a baby of your own." Duh, I have a baby of my own. (And no, there is nothing statistically that indicates pregnancy is more likely post-adoption.)

Adopted son #2 2 1/2 years later.

Fast forward 9 years and lo and behold I decide I want one more baby. Head back to the adoption agency and bingo! Son #3. Then I had people asking, as I was almost 40 by this time, if my last child was an "accident". Still trying to figure out how one accidentally adopts.

Some people, every time they open their mouth, stupid comes out.

 

[wilkeliza]

There's a phrase for this I'm hearing younger people use, I think they call it the "life script" or something, and some of them are rebelling against it (in theory). But based on my own friends' experiences, it seems like for most people, once that biological clock/reality of your own mortality kicks in hard, your intention not to follow the life script can melt away pretty easily.

I also know more than one couple who did the "we just left it up to fate/god" thing.

(No. You didn't leave it up to fate. You had unprotected sex, and your body did what it is designed to do, what it predictably does--it made a baby. You chose to have a baby. JMO.)

Except statistically it is fate/g-d/whatever people believe in. There is only a 32-33% chance each cycle. So yes when not using contraceptives or not using them every time you are leaving it up to chance. Plus you can try and try and try and still have infertility that has 0 cause sometimes it just doesn't happen for some people through no fault of anyones.

 

[perditax]

Except statistically it is fate/g-d/whatever people believe in. There is only a 32-33% chance each cycle. So yes when not using contraceptives or not using them every time you are leaving it up to chance. Plus you can try and try and try and still have infertility that has 0 cause sometimes it just doesn't happen for some people through no fault of anyones.

But over the course of a year those chances rise to something like 85-90% in otherwise healthy adults. At that point I think it's safe to assume you made the choice.

(Would love to go to Vegas with those odds and leave it up to "fate". )

 

[ashley0139]

Thank you for sharing your stories and advice, everyone! I just feel that my fiancé and I enjoy our life together too much to add a baby into it. We enjoy spontaneous getaways and day trips and going out to dinner and spending time together. Having a child would take away those things and maybe it's selfish, but I love the life I have right now and do not want to change it. Besides that, the thought of being pregnant has always made me very uncomfortable. Also, I have severe anxiety that is controlled with medication and I couldn't live if I passed that mental illness on to a child. Additionally, I cannot imagine what having a child would do to my mental health. My OBGYN has already told me that having children would be difficult for me due to PCOS so maybe hearing that also made me think of all these things. I don't know. Maybe it is selfish of us to not want children, but I would rather be the cool aunt who babysits my loved ones' children than have a child of my own to care for.

I guess I'm worried I will regret my decision but then again, I'm only 27. I've never actually seen myself as a mom, even as a little girl when all the other little girls played with baby dolls, I played with barbie dolls and had them go on scuba diving adventures and run for president. I never played "mommy" like others have. Maybe I will change my mind but right now, I'm good with my decision and if the time comes when I change my mind (I strongly doubt it but never say never) then I know my fiancé would be open to one child.

I just hate how people make you out to be a bad or weird person for not wanting kids!

I just want to point out that it's not inherently any more selfish to not have kids than it is to have kids, since you seem to keep bringing that up. It's all about what someone wants. Bringing a person into the world because you personally want to is just as selfish as not doing it. People may tell you that it's selfish to not have kids, but it is not.

Also, if you don't want to be pregnant, there are other ways to have children. There are tons of children in the foster system who need homes, if you feel as though that is something you would be able to do, especially slightly older children or children of color.

 

[wilkeliza]

But over the course of a year those chances rise to something like 85-90% in otherwise healthy adults. At that point I think it's safe to assume you made the choice.

(Would love to go to Vegas with those odds and leave it up to "fate". )

That's true. I just pointed it out because it is one of those things hitting home so to speak. Not me directly but I know a close relative who has bene unable and there is 0 reason why. Both healthy, all the parts are working, and it just isn't happening. They aren't the first person I know either who struggle for no known medical reason. Almost all have gone on to have children but again not everyone has kids even when trying.

 

[Vijoge]

That's true. I just pointed it out because it is one of those things hitting home so to speak. Not me directly but I know a close relative who has been unable and there is 0 reason why. Both healthy, all the parts are working, and it just isn't happening. They aren't the first person I know either who struggle for no known medical reason. Almost all have gone on to have children but again not everyone has kids even when trying.

That was me. No one could ever give me a reason why I couldn't conceive but no one could make it happen either.

 

[wilkeliza]

But over the course of a year those chances rise to something like 85-90% in otherwise healthy adults. At that point I think it's safe to assume you made the choice.

(Would love to go to Vegas with those odds and leave it up to "fate". )

Oh just wanted to add I kind of get what you mean though. I do shake my head at the friends who are like well I thought we were done or oh F I'm pregnant wasn't planning it. In all cases I'm just like do you not understand how it happens? I mean you don't have to be planning it if you are doing the deed the chance is there even if you are planning kids or not. I understand a surpise when you are trying to prevent it but when you aren't what did you think would happen?!

 

[sonnyjane]

Oh just wanted to add I kind of get what you mean though. I do shake my head at the friends who are like well I thought we were done or oh F I'm pregnant wasn't planning it. In all cases I'm just like do you not understand how it happens? I mean you don't have to be planning it if you are doing the deed the chance is there even if you are planning kids or not. I understand a surpise when you are trying to prevent it but when you aren't what did you think would happen?!

I have an alarming number of friends (at least a dozen) that got pregnant while on birth control (and using it properly, half of them are doctors or nurses for crying out loud). Scares the bejeesus out of me.

 

[Gracie09]

It is for most people. I guess you could argue that nothing in life is simple, but my point is really that if you have kids before you are ready and end up regretting and resenting them it is a much more difficult thing to have to deal with than not having kids until you are ready to have them.

Perhaps but by waiting you also have to realize it may mean it will not happen. I didn't meet my dh until our late 20s we didn't marry until 31. We knew there were male favor issues but I was fine. Everything functioning as they should. Should have been easy. A quick iui or two and out of there. Six cycles, most medicated, later Ivf. Luckily the first one worked and we have dd. Went back when she was two- 35 by then cycled ten times with Ivf. One miscarriage early on but nothing else. No reason why it shouldn't have worked, just didn't. By the time we were done, we were alsready fostering so we focused on our dd and making our home the best for her and our temporary kids. We are in the middle of a complicated adoption of dd2, but hope after four plus years that will be finalized this year.
Was I ready to have kids before dh- no. But I also wasn't worried about it because everyone always said it's fine to wait no don't worry about it.
The stat my reproductive endo used was 20%. Each month if everything is fine and times perfect you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant and carrying to term. That is if there is nothing wrong. If there is something wrong with one or both it drops.
I'm glad I was able to have dd. I loved being pregnant even though even that was problematic. I wish I was able to do it again, but it wasn't in the cards. It's doesn't impact how I felt about dd 2. We were already discussing adoption when we finally had enough of Ivf. So regardless of if I was pregnant, she would have been a part of our lives.

And just to point out, with all the testing and cycles etc nothing was ever determined to be wrong with me. There is no medical reason they know of that I should not have become pregnant

 

[Lisa F]

Perhaps but by waiting you also have to realize it may mean it will not happen. I didn't meet my dh until our late 20s we didn't marry until 31. We knew there were male favor issues but I was fine. Everything functioning as they should. Should have been easy. A quick iui or two and out of there. Six cycles, most medicated, later Ivf. Luckily the first one worked and we have dd. Went back when she was two- 35 by then cycled ten times with Ivf. One miscarriage early on but nothing else. No reason why it shouldn't have worked, just didn't. By the time we were done, we were alsready fostering so we focused on our dd and making our home the best for her and our temporary kids. We are in the middle of a complicated adoption of dd2, but hope after four plus years that will be finalized this year.
Was I ready to have kids before dh- no. But I also wasn't worried about it because everyone always said it's fine to wait no don't worry about it.
The stat my reproductive endo used was 20%. Each month if everything is fine and times perfect you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant and carrying to term. That is if there is nothing wrong. If there is something wrong with one or both it drops.
I'm glad I was able to have dd. I loved being pregnant even though even that was problematic. I wish I was able to do it again, but it wasn't in the cards. It's doesn't impact how I felt about dd 2. We were already discussing adoption when we finally had enough of Ivf. So regardless of if I was pregnant, she would have been a part of our lives.

And just to point out, with all the testing and cycles etc nothing was ever determined to be wrong with me. There is no medical reason they know of that I should not have become pregnant

Yes but it would be difficult no matter WHEN you chose to have kids. My point is it's not a good idea to rush into that if you're not sure because you're afraid it might end up being difficult later. Having kids is a big decision and while i'm sure most people have them because they truly want them, our society really pressures people into wanting them and that's not fair for anyone... not for the adults who have to give up their lives nor for these kids who aren't wanted with their whole hearts.

I experienced a lot of pressure, bullying, finger wagging and dire warnings about what was going to happen if I waited to have kids... but I still waited. And now that he is on the spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety issues, I am glad that I really was sure I wanted to have children because I can devote myself to him without reservation rather than resenting the way my life is now vs. when I had freedom.

 

[Gracie09]

Yes but it would be difficult no matter WHEN you chose to have kids. My point is it's not a good idea to rush into that if you're not sure because you're afraid it might end up being difficult later. Having kids is a big decision and while i'm sure most people have them because they truly want them, our society really pressures people into wanting them and that's not fair for anyone... not for the adults who have to give up their lives nor for these kids who aren't wanted with their whole hearts.

No if I was younger it would have been easier for me to get and stay pregnant. Age was definitely a major factor for me. At 35 I was "old". My eggs were old. The male factor had zero to do with the fact that I could not get or maintain a pregnancy. I don't think people should have kids because they are afraid of what will happen if they change their mind but it is a choice and there are consequences to that choice. And the consequence may be not being able to have kids if they change their minds. And that is something they need to consider. There are options - egg freezing or even embryo freezing if they wish. But it's something to think about sooner rather than later

 

[Lisa F]

No if I was younger it would have been easier for me to get and stay pregnant. Age was definitely a major factor for me. At 35 I was "old". My eggs were old. The male factor had zero to do with the fact that I could not get or maintain a pregnancy. I don't think people should have kids because they are afraid of what will happen if they change their mind but it is a choice and there are consequences to that choice. And the consequence may be not being able to have kids if they change their minds. And that is something they need to consider. There are options - egg freezing or even embryo freezing if they wish. But it's something to think about sooner rather than later

I agree you should think about it but you really don't know if it would have been easier had you been younger. You are assuming it would have been but you don't know that it would have been. I added to my post:

I experienced a lot of pressure, bullying, finger wagging and dire warnings about what was going to happen if I waited to have kids... but I still waited. And now that he is on the spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety issues, I am glad that I really was sure I wanted to have children because I can devote myself to him without reservation rather than resenting the way my life is now vs. when I had freedom.

I really feel for people who are childfree by choice. Societal pressure to reproduce is ridiculous. If you want to be a parent, you can be a parent even without replicating your own DNA. If you have the strong drive to replicate your own DNA then you are probably not on the fence about being childfree for life, you just go ahead and do what it takes to do that. There are options for being a parent even if your body can't make another human being. If I hadn't ended up divorced and single mother to a special needs child I would have adopted the second... but right now my plate is full as it is. But I still kind of wish I could.

 

[mom2rtk]

Yes but it would be difficult no matter WHEN you chose to have kids. My point is it's not a good idea to rush into that if you're not sure because you're afraid it might end up being difficult later. Having kids is a big decision and while i'm sure most people have them because they truly want them, our society really pressures people into wanting them and that's not fair for anyone... not for the adults who have to give up their lives nor for these kids who aren't wanted with their whole hearts.

I don't think anyone who had fertility issues is saying that women should rush into having babies. I'm sorry if that's what you experienced, but that's not what I'm saying. Just saying that the possibility it might not be "simple" is one of the myriad of issues that needs to be taken into account.

Modern media recounts stories of Hollywood stars having children in their 50's but neglects to include the details about all the very expensive high tech help they needed to accomplish that.

High tech is great, but the simple truth is that biology has not changed with all these advancements. Age still matters.

My issues were not age related. But the older I got the worse my issues would have gotten, and the less time I would have had to get them addressed.

Once again, not encouraging people to get pregnant to stave off fertility issues. Just wanting age to have a seat at the table.

 

[Lisa F]

I don't think anyone who had fertility issues is saying that women should rush into having babies. I'm sorry if that's what you experienced, but that's not what I'm saying. Just saying that the possibility it might not be "simple" is one of the myriad of issues that needs to be taken into account.

Modern media recounts stories of Hollywood stars having children in their 50's but neglects to include the details about all the very expensive high tech help they needed to accomplish that.

High tech is great, but the simple truth is that biology has not changed with all these advancements. Age still matters.

My issues were not age related. But the older I got the worse my issues would have gotten, and the less time I would have had to get them addressed.

Once again, not encouraging people to get pregnant to stave off fertility issues. Just wanting age to have a seat at the table.

My point is it's relative. It is MUCH more simple than it is having a baby you're not sure you want and having to give up your life for something you weren't sure of. Having children is not for the faint of heart and IMO you'd better be damn sure you want it and you are willing to give up what it takes to give up to do it. For people who have "always wanted kids" and that is their life goal and who don't feel like they are giving up anything, that is one thing. But that is obviously not where the OP is.