Childfree by choice?

[Magpie]

I think any time a person makes a conscious decision to either have a child, or not have a child, they're being very responsible.

There was a time, not very long ago, when having children was the almost inevitable result of having sex. And since sex is a drive that's almost impossible to ignore, there were a LOT of unwanted children. Even within marriage, children were often viewed as an inevitability, not something you had to desire strongly and work to achieve.

People complain today that modern parents are overly involved and too protective. But, the flip side of that is that having made the choice to have children, we are now especially motivated to value them and to invest in them. Even as a society, first world nations are devoting more resources toward child welfare, even going so far as to outlaw corporeal punishment in some nations.

Wet nurses, once a staple of upper class families, have disappeared entirely. Nannies are there just to help out, not to raise your children for you. Fathers aren't just supposed to support the family in a financial way, they're expected to be personally involved in child rearing. Both parents are supposed to devote hours to the intellectual and emotional development of their offspring. Even children themselves are no longer expected to join the workforce, until they are fully grown and educated. At which point, we expect them to be able to choose a profession that appeals to them, and will be personally fulfilling.

This is an amazing cultural shift in how we view and value an entire demographic of people. And, I'm hopeful that this means that as our society learns to value the inherent worth of our children, we'll learn to value the inherent worth of other people more, too. Our elders. People of different cultures and races. They're all someone's children, right?

I've seen the devastating consequences of being an unwanted child, and it's ugly. Children shouldn't signal the end of all your youthful hopes and dreams, forcing sacrifice and deprivation upon you. That's no way for anyone to grow up.

So, if you don't want children, don't have them. And know that in choosing not to have them, you're making the world a kinder, better place for everyone.

(BTW, the reason I had kids was because I wanted a chance to make up for the hardships my mother endured as a child. I wanted one more chance to make it right. And, of my two, one is indeed the spitting image of my mother, intellectually and physically - the person she could have been, if someone had cherished her.)

 

[mom2rtk]

Luckily if you think you don't want kids and you change your mind, there is a simple solution to that... you have kids.

Unfortunately for some it isn't that simple. Not at all. And there's no way to know ahead of time how simple it will be.

 

[DisTXMom]

It makes me sad that the world sometimes tries to push its views about parenting onto people that don't want kids. I believe you can have a beautiful and rewarding life with or without children.

My husband and I knew we'd have kids at some point in our marriage, but we had a wonderful 5 years traveling the world and doing lots of things together before we got pregnant. I never got that tug that made me waaaaaaant a baby. Unlike some of the posters above, I did not always know I would be a mother. It was more that we knew we wanted to grow our family to be more than the two of us. We now have 2 DD's, whom I love in abundance. Now that I'm here, I can't imagine my life without them, but I know we would have had a different kind of blessed life without children. I have several friends and relatives that do not have kids. They are nearly all by choice and are happy with their choice. This decision is highly personal. At the right time, you'll know what is right for you.

 

[Princess_Ariel_5]

Thank you for sharing your stories and advice, everyone! I just feel that my fiancé and I enjoy our life together too much to add a baby into it. We enjoy spontaneous getaways and day trips and going out to dinner and spending time together. Having a child would take away those things and maybe it's selfish, but I love the life I have right now and do not want to change it. Besides that, the thought of being pregnant has always made me very uncomfortable. Also, I have severe anxiety that is controlled with medication and I couldn't live if I passed that mental illness on to a child. Additionally, I cannot imagine what having a child would do to my mental health. My OBGYN has already told me that having children would be difficult for me due to PCOS so maybe hearing that also made me think of all these things. I don't know. Maybe it is selfish of us to not want children, but I would rather be the cool aunt who babysits my loved ones' children than have a child of my own to care for.

I guess I'm worried I will regret my decision but then again, I'm only 27. I've never actually seen myself as a mom, even as a little girl when all the other little girls played with baby dolls, I played with barbie dolls and had them go on scuba diving adventures and run for president. I never played "mommy" like others have. Maybe I will change my mind but right now, I'm good with my decision and if the time comes when I change my mind (I strongly doubt it but never say never) then I know my fiancé would be open to one child.

I just hate how people make you out to be a bad or weird person for not wanting kids!

 

[Lisa F]

Unfortunately for some it isn't that simple. Not at all. And there's no way to know ahead of time how simple it will be.

I know people do have issues with infertility but I am not sure you can go through life always worried about the worst case scenario. You could also get hit by a bus before ever having kids. I had an OB who tried to bully me into getting pregnant before I was ready telling me that I would "regret it" if I waited (I was not sure and I was in graduate school and working from 7am to after midnight every day)... She tried to terrify me with stories of infertility and told me how much worse it would be for me if I was older and trying to deal with it. Never let anyone pressure you into having children before you are ready. But I also had decided by then that I wanted to be a mom and if I couldn't have kids naturally I'd adopt.

 

[Branflakes]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. Will that change for you? Who knows.... you'll know. Until and if that happens, you just stay YOUR course and live the fullfilling life in the manner which you and your spouse have chosen.
I didn't want kids. Ever. My father was a mean sob and I couldn't imagine bringing life into this world and being remotely like him. My mom passed away when I was 3. The witch my father married hated kids. So I had all kinds of what I thought were good reasons not to have any. My brother never did. And never will. And he is quite happily married. They have a great life. They love everyone else's kids. And to know them, you just wouldn't think they're odd or missing something. Quite the opposite. It would be really out of place to see them with children.
I on the other hand have two kids, 23 & 21 Turns out, I'm nothing like my father. And motherhood was a very easy natural experience for me. I have great adult kids. No one was more shocked than me that being a parent was apparently in the cards.
It would seem the issue was relating to right man in my life. Oops. I had my boys young, at 20,23. I'm divorced from their dad, because we were too young, and realized we didn't much like being married to one another. BUT in spite of that, we still together raised these young men. I've been remarried since they were 7,10 and they have a great stepdad. We all made it work and it worked out. Luckily. Because I know for sure my situation is far more the exception than the rule.
Live YOUR life. Not some ridiculous "societal norm".

 

[mom2rtk]

I know people do have issues with infertility but I am not sure you can go through life always worried about the worst case scenario. You could also get hit by a bus before ever having kids. I had an OB who tried to bully me into getting pregnant before I was ready telling me that I would "regret it" if I waited (I was not sure and I was in graduate school and working from 7am to after midnight every day)... She tried to terrify me with stories of infertility and told me how much worse it would be for me if I was older and trying to deal with it. Never let anyone pressure you into having children before you are ready. But I also had decided by then that I wanted to be a mom and if I couldn't have kids naturally I'd adopt.

Don't disagree with any of that. I would absolutely never pressure someone into having kids before they were ready.

But saying it's "simple" when you change your mind and want them is misleading.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I just want to touch on the mental illness aspect, which you mentioned, because I've BTDT. My mother was bipolar, unmedicated all of my life, so I'm painfully aware of the ramifications of passing on those genes. My sister chose not to have children for that very reason--she has issues herself, and felt it wouldn't be fair to any child she had. I respect that, and she has a full, happy life, doting on her cats (and being a wonderful aunt).

Of our four children, #2 hit the jackpot, in terms of bad luck. He has Asperger's, depression, social anxiety, and a couple learning disabilities (like his dad). It hasn't been easy for him, I have to admit, nor for us. In his case, he has dual exceptionalities--both gifted and learning disabled, so getting an accurate "read" on his issues was a long time coming. He's now 20 and attends community college. Medication helps him. We're all working through it, one day at a time. I'm confident that he'll find his path in life, but I'd be lying if I told you it was all sunshine and lollipops. It's funny, though, because he'll say things like, "Your life would be so much better if you didn't have me". It's completely not true! If anything, my love for him is deeper and fiercer, because I know that he struggles. I know that people don't get him. I see all his wonderful qualities, and I'm willing to work as long as it takes to help him find his way.

I guess my point is, it's normal and reasonable to worry about what you might pass on to the next generation. It's perfectly rational to choose not to have children due to your concerns. But, if your faced with a child with challenges, you step up and deal. You find it within yourself--even if, some days, you have to dig deep.

 

[Lisa F]

Don't disagree with any of that. I would absolutely never pressure someone into having kids before they were ready.

But saying it's "simple" when you change your mind and want them is misleading.

It is for most people. I guess you could argue that nothing in life is simple, but my point is really that if you have kids before you are ready and end up regretting and resenting them it is a much more difficult thing to have to deal with than not having kids until you are ready to have them.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I do think that sometimes the people who encourage you to consider having children are people like me, who have really loved being a parent. It's not that I think someone who doesn't have kids is bad or weird or selfish, it's kind of "they don't know what they are missing." (I'm a bit the same about WDW, when I meet people who say they have no interest in going.) Absolutely, it is a personal choice and you know yourself and your situation the best, and because I respect that I usually don't say anything. But it is a hard decision to make because you don't really know until you do it. I was another person who didn't play with baby dolls and didn't have much interest in motherhood as a child. I did some babysitting but wasn't that fond of the kids. I can't tell you, really, what made me change my mind. What I couldn't have anticipated was how different I felt about my own children. I didn't know how intensely I would love them and how that love would change my life.

 

[Lisa F]

Thank you for sharing your stories and advice, everyone! I just feel that my fiancé and I enjoy our life together too much to add a baby into it. We enjoy spontaneous getaways and day trips and going out to dinner and spending time together. Having a child would take away those things and maybe it's selfish, but I love the life I have right now and do not want to change it. Besides that, the thought of being pregnant has always made me very uncomfortable. Also, I have severe anxiety that is controlled with medication and I couldn't live if I passed that mental illness on to a child. Additionally, I cannot imagine what having a child would do to my mental health. My OBGYN has already told me that having children would be difficult for me due to PCOS so maybe hearing that also made me think of all these things. I don't know. Maybe it is selfish of us to not want children, but I would rather be the cool aunt who babysits my loved ones' children than have a child of my own to care for.

I guess I'm worried I will regret my decision but then again, I'm only 27. I've never actually seen myself as a mom, even as a little girl when all the other little girls played with baby dolls, I played with barbie dolls and had them go on scuba diving adventures and run for president. I never played "mommy" like others have. Maybe I will change my mind but right now, I'm good with my decision and if the time comes when I change my mind (I strongly doubt it but never say never) then I know my fiancé would be open to one child.

I just hate how people make you out to be a bad or weird person for not wanting kids!

It is not selfish. You know what is selfish? Making another human being who relies entirely on you for their life and their happiness without being "all in" in wanting them and being unwilling to devote yourself to them. Having kids is really freaking hard even under ideal circumstances, and as others have pointed out, the circumstances are sometimes less than ideal. Believe me, I never planned to be the single mother of a kid on the spectrum with ADHD and anxiety issues but I wanted him unconditionally and if anything my heart breaks that his life is more difficult than I wish it were... but I do not regret having him and I wanted him (and still do) with all of my heart. It can be pretty rough but I have zero regrets about my decision to have him. It would be a lot harder to deal with it all if I had regrets about being a mother in the first place and pined away for my previous life. It is normal to have days when you wish you could just be fancy free again but if it is a persistent state in your life, that has got to be a pretty difficult and unfulfilling life to lead. Much better that you be honest with yourself about how you feel than hide your true feelings and do what society pressures you to do to live a life of misery resenting this little person who takes so much out of you.

 

[VandVsmama]

My DH and I were married for 11 years before we had children. In those 11 years, we got a lot of flack from EVERYBODY about children. It was the worst from my mother. She actually said once that people who don't have children are selfish. I let her have it. Totally laid into her and snapped at her that people who consciously decide NOT to have children usually have a really good reason for their decision and that you should respect that decision. Also told her that the choice to NOT have children is actually a very UN-selfish decision.

Don't let other people in your life try to make you feel bad or bully you into having kids if you don't feel ready. It's a big responsibility to bring another life into this world and raise a child. It's a GOOD thing that you and your spouse are thinking about it and it's GOOD to wait if you don't feel like you're ready for that. It's OK.

 

[DaretoDis]

 

[wilkeliza]

Thank you for sharing your stories and advice, everyone! I just feel that my fiancé and I enjoy our life together too much to add a baby into it. We enjoy spontaneous getaways and day trips and going out to dinner and spending time together. Having a child would take away those things and maybe it's selfish, but I love the life I have right now and do not want to change it. Besides that, the thought of being pregnant has always made me very uncomfortable. Also, I have severe anxiety that is controlled with medication and I couldn't live if I passed that mental illness on to a child. Additionally, I cannot imagine what having a child would do to my mental health. My OBGYN has already told me that having children would be difficult for me due to PCOS so maybe hearing that also made me think of all these things. I don't know. Maybe it is selfish of us to not want children, but I would rather be the cool aunt who babysits my loved ones' children than have a child of my own to care for.

I guess I'm worried I will regret my decision but then again, I'm only 27. I've never actually seen myself as a mom, even as a little girl when all the other little girls played with baby dolls, I played with barbie dolls and had them go on scuba diving adventures and run for president. I never played "mommy" like others have. Maybe I will change my mind but right now, I'm good with my decision and if the time comes when I change my mind (I strongly doubt it but never say never) then I know my fiancé would be open to one child.

I just hate how people make you out to be a bad or weird person for not wanting kids!

Just so you know you don't have to give up any of that when you have kids. There are the parents who do and parents who don't. It just depends on the money aspect. Sure you might have to cut back but we have two friends whose kids are true travelers. One who is 4 and since he was 6 months old has been jet setting all over the world and could discuss art (not critically of course but as you would expect from a child) in museums and loved going to see new places. The other friend has a 9 month old and it feels like they are off somewhere every weekend. Even my future sister in laws all treated it differently. One didn't give up much, two gave up nothing, and one gave up everything. It was a choice each of then made and didn't know they would make it that way until they had kids.

If you love to travel and eat out that is something you can share with a child.

Again the choice is yours but just wanted you to know I also thought I had to give all that up until I met parents who didn't and it kind of clicked.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, having read your update, I agree that you are not being selfish, or wierd, or anything like that, at all!!!
I think that you are trying to take a good objective look at yourself and your reality!!!
SO MANY people are unwilling or unable to to that.

I love the one story about baby dolls or barbie dolls.
I played with baby dolls!!!
I think that is a really telling thing about what makes one tick!

About the comments that mentioned their mother's past.
While making decisions in order to right a wrong from the past is very very common.. almost to be expected. a kind of psychological phenomenon....
That is the most very wrong reason to make personal decisions. Always...

And, about having kids because you probably will want them or should have them, versus, waiting to make a very deliberate decision...
Two things come to mind.
First, I believe that the idea that if one 'waits for the perfect time', well, that is either misguided or an excuse, because there often is just never that perfect time.
On the other side of the coin, I think of the major anonymous poll that was done a few years ago, where a mind-blowing percentage of parents said that they might have regrets, wished that they hadn't become parents, etc.. Wow....

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I know people do have issues with infertility but I am not sure you can go through life always worried about the worst case scenario. You could also get hit by a bus before ever having kids. I had an OB who tried to bully me into getting pregnant before I was ready telling me that I would "regret it" if I waited (I was not sure and I was in graduate school and working from 7am to after midnight every day)... She tried to terrify me with stories of infertility and told me how much worse it would be for me if I was older and trying to deal with it. Never let anyone pressure you into having children before you are ready. But I also had decided by then that I wanted to be a mom and if I couldn't have kids naturally I'd adopt.

Respectfully though your comment "Luckily if you think you don't want kids and you change your mind, there is a simple solution to that... you have kids." reflects an oversimplication of the complexity of having children. And for people out there they do worry about it and they have every right to worry about it. A couple who is otherwise healthy with no sign of issues may not think about the worst case. Your own experience may have an influence in your opinion on the "when you want kids you can just have them" viewpoint; there's nothing wrong with that of course.

Some really do struggle with infertility, some it is too expensive to seek IVF, some will look towards adoption but some have a strong very strong urge to have their own biological children, some will seek out surrogacy which is also very expensive and comes with its own potential emotional and health risks. Even with adoption it isn't easy and simple.

I do agree about the pressuring part for sure but it's also a pressure to say "Luckily if you think you don't want kids and you change your mind, there is a simple solution to that... you have kids".

My grandmother was pregnant 10 times and had 5 children (5 miscarriages). My cousin was pregnant 4 times and had 2 kids (2 miscarriages). My friend (who was 22 at the time) got pregnant but miscarried got pregnant again a few months later and that pregnancy nearly killed her (no exaggeration there). She developed a life threatening heart condition and was advised another child will likely kill her. She got pregnant again but about 1 1/2 years after she gave birth to her first child. As far as we know the doctors gave her the go-ahead to have another child but I know she was monitored very closely and the heart condition eased up a bit as time went on after her first pregnancy. The second child didn't have nearly the same health complications as the first. Before the pregnancy she was completely healthy with no sign of any health issues. Her and her husband never thought about the worst case scenario until the worst case scenario became a reality for them.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

My daughter does not want kids ever. Granted, she is just finishing up college and has a long way to go. I support her decision, but my fear is that her partner won't feel the same way. At some point in a long term relationship, this needs to be discussed and both sides need to feel comfortable with the decision.

 

[rastahomie]

It was the worst from my mother. She actually said once that people who don't have children are selfish. I let her have it.

My mom was never that bad about it, but she was a little too invested for my comfort, to say the least. The point at which things went from "annoying" to "downright weird" was when she recommended some quack reiki healer to cleanse our auras. So-and-so's daughter had been having trouble getting pregnant, went to see Madame Styx, and was pregnant within a week. I told her thanks but no thanks.

In mom's defense, I'd always been good with my nephews and nieces, and I think she just figured that I'd make a perfect father. And of course, she loves having a bunch of grandchildren. Fortunately my siblings have picked up the slack in that regard.

 

[Nancyg56]

My mom was never that bad about it, but she was a little too invested for my comfort, to say the least. The point at which things went from "annoying" to "downright weird" was when she recommended some quack reiki healer to cleanse our auras. So-and-so's daughter had been having trouble getting pregnant, went to see Madame Styx, and was pregnant within a week. I told her thanks but no thanks.

In mom's defense, I'd always been good with my nephews and nieces, and I think she just figured that I'd make a perfect father. And of course, she loves having a bunch of grandchildren. Fortunately my siblings have picked up the slack in that regard.

I think I understand your Mom. I know how much my DS and DDIL want children, and I would do anything I could to make that happen. It is not an easy path to navigate when you want to help, you sympathize and you hurt for your child. I have not ever suggested a reiki master to help with anything, but I cannot deny that if I really believed it would help I would not have. As a parent I try not to overstep my boundaries with them, but on my goodness, it can be hard, so I would say that in your Mom's defense, she just got a little carried away with trying to "help" because she loves the two of you.

 

[georgina]

I never played with any kind of dolls, never babysat, was not sure I wanted kids immediately after getting married, but the idea grew on me and I have 3. I think that for most people there isn't a 'perfect time' when they are 100% certain, having kids is a leap of faith in some ways. There are many different styles of parenting, I have one nephew who just had his third child, he and his wife are laid-back, 'we'll manage' kind of people; while his brother and his wife have one child they invest so much time in that they can't see being able to have another yet.

I do think it is important that spouses be on the same page, the story above of how one woman got divorced because she wanted children and her H did not is very sad. My DD got married last year and I merely asked her if they were planning to have children at some point (she said yes). But she is heading into a 2 year grad school program so it will be a while, which is fine. DH and I have been enjoying our 'empty nest' phase of life a lot!