Childbirth (C-Section) Guilt...inspired by trayletha

[wdw4us]

you are not alone. BUT another very angry and guilty member of our family was my husband. To this day he is still hurt that he was not allowed to witness the birth of our daughter. He had to stay outside the operating room and wait.

For a while he wondered if she was really ours. I delivered her at 11:30 PM but between the drugs and recovery room I did not see her until 3:15 am! The plopped her in my arms and said here she is! I looked at her and there was no bonding like you see on TV.

Cripe, I saw more birth experience on Phil Donahue that I did my own!

When I got pregnant for my son, I researched where I could go to have a delivery where I could be awake, and my husband could come in and watch. I found a Dr. that would do it and a hospital that would allow it. That was 21 years ago. Times have changed since then, but it was a BIG deal for us to accomplish that. We'd have gone to Boston if need be!

Now when I think of it, she's so much like me that there is no doubt she's mine and I know that if she hadn't been born that way, either she or I would not have survived the process.

Your son is beautiful, kiss him for me and forget the rest, in the end, a healthy boy is more important the pushing that sucker out!

denise

 

[Pembo]

Becka-I had a c-section with my first baby. After I didn't feel cheated but kept replaying everything I coulda/shoulda/woulda done differently. Like...I went to the hospital at the first twinge, stayed in bed ALL day, got my epideural WAY too early, etc. I had failure to progress after 14 hours and getting to 5 cm and swelling back down to 4!

I thought the recovery from a C was the worst experience! I was so miserable!

With baby #2 I wanted to VBAC and I was a woman on a mission. I read this book about VBAC over and over again. It had an entire section on "visualization" that I was obsessed with. And lucky for me I was able to VBAC and have a much better birth experience. But I still labored at the hospital for 14 hours and spent most of it in bed.

With baby #3 I again I had things I wanted to do differently. Like labor longer at home, walk more, etc. When I got to the hospital, I was in good labor at 4 cm and my princess was born 5 hours after I arrived. This was by far the best birth experience.

SO my advice to you...if and when you get pregnant again, prepare yourself for the birth you want and hope that it works out better than last time.

In the meantime, enjoy that little guy!

 

[Serena]

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I think the lack of control over what happens is the big thing.

With my first baby, everything was normal. I felt totally in control and the nurses and every one loved me. I had no reason to panic, it was all by the book.

The second one, my blood pressure went sky high. The put me in the hospital, induced me and gave me too much pitocin. My labor was horrible Where the contraction was supposed to slack off, mine didn't.

Then my baby's heart rate started slowing down. Everyone around me started getting nervous. They decide my baby had her umbilical cord across the top of her head as she was trying to come out, and that I needed an emergency c-s.
That was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. They cut me vertically outside and the bikini cut inside.

But, my baby was safe and healthy once she came out.

 

[bananiem]

My 1st was a long drawn out labor that ended with 3 hours of pushing and her deciding to come out ear first. They used forceps and if I knew then what I know now I would have ran to the operating room for a C-section. I had trouble for years afterward from the amount of scarring. I know, I know, TMI...
I understand exactly what you mean. I felt horrible after not being able to give birth "right", I didn't get to hold her for almost 4 hours and then I ended up not being able to nurse. Boy, did I feel like I 'd let her and myself down. Finally I realized I didn't! The next one may be the same or it may be vastly different for you. Concentrate on being a Mommy and you'll do fine. It just takes awhile to get over the feelings. I still regret not getting to hold her right away.

 

[piratesmate]

With DS (21) they induced because I'm diabetic...kept me flat on my back because the monitor wasn't consistent otherwise (my pelvis is tilted & he was laying on the vena cava ??sp???? & I kept passing out because of poor blood return)...fully dilated in 3 hours of HARD labor...they yelled at me to push - even though I didn't need to...2 hrs later they decided it was time for a C-section. In the elevator on the way to surgery, I FINALLY needed to push & then they yelled at me & said "No you don't.) In the OR I tried again to tell them that I really, REALLY needed to push & the doctor said "Shut her up" & the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face. That was at 2pm. I didn't see him until 8:30pm.

I felt cheated & jealous too. I was thrilled to have DS, but occasionally thought about the other stuff. When I realized that I was angry with the doctors - for not listening to me - I found it easier to get over it.

 

[cinlee3]

Becka, yes I do know how you feel. I did not feel guilt, but I did feel sadness at my birth experience. I had a c-section after 21 hours of labor and 3 hrs of pushing. I was put under general anethesia due to the fact that my OB tried to give me an epidural and it did not work. My OB did nothing to calm my fears, my husband left the OR and I was left to lie there and wait for 30 minutes while they got a surgery crew. My body took over and I was terrified. Nobody offered me reassurance of any kind. I had read some very good books and took childbirth classes, but it was nothing like I had expected.

This feeling stayed with me until my second child was born. My second experience was a VBAC which only took 5 hours. I labored mostly at home. When I got to the hosp, I was 5 cm. My OB was wonderful and knew what I went through with my first.

My third was an emergency c-section. I was completely awake, scared but the dr and anethesiologist and everyone helped keep me calm. I felt no regrets with this birth.

My sister did not experience any labor with her two DSs and felt no regret with her C-sections, my SIL did - she really wanted a home birth but couldn't.

I know you are happy with your beautiful baby - He looks like a real sweetie.

 

[Jeafl]

My oldest DD was a planned c-section because she was frankling breech (she was upside down, backwards, and with one leg hanging down and one leg over her head!) I was just so incredibly grateful that they knew this BEFORE I tried to deliver, because they told me she would hav e definitely had broken hips, plus she also had the cord around her neck 3 times! I'm sure there are unnecessary c-sections done occasionally, but I do think the vast majority are done to ensure a safe birth. Try to remember that the outcome (a healthy baby) is more important than how he got here.

My second was an incredibly long and complicated labor, but I did have a VBAC. 24 hours into the labor I was praying for a c-section! I can't honestly say that I preferred one delivery over the other when all is said and done. I still felt like a new mother either way. My SIL who is a L&D nurse always jokes that the only difference between a c-section and a normal delivery is the way you walk afterwards!

By the way, I also had an induction with my third child, so it is possible to be induced after a c-section.

Could your feelings be caused from a little leftover post-partum depression? Those crazy hormones can really get you out of whack! Hugs to you...

 

[disykat]

My first was an exergency delivery so I was out cold and didn't see my son until the next day. I felt guilt. My second I was induced and tried for a VBAC (didn't know that was a bad thing - maybe new research?) We gave it twelve hours and when I was still at 0 we chose a c-section to avoid the emergency we had the first time. It was a choice dh, me, my doula, and my doctors all made. I felt much less "guilt" and disappointment when I was able to make choices. I really didn't get over the first until I had the second and felt more in control.

Your feelings are perfectly natural. The only problem would be if they were overshadowing the joy of your son. Since that doesn't seem to be an issue - relax and give yourself time. Years later, I could care less how my sons came into this world.

Mothers all want to provide the best of everything for their children and are sometimes disappointed when they can't. However in many cases a c-section is what is best for the baby - I know it was for mine.

 

[pajamommy]

Becka, I had a ******l birth with my first, after a difficult last 6 weeks of pregnancy (I had gallstones and very bad attacks), I was induced for a week, lol! With my second, he was breech, and I ended up having a CS, and I thought it was the easier of the 2 births! However, I did feel like you, even after already having one baby the other way. But, those feelings eventually went away, as DS grew and I began to focus on other things involving him. Nathan is still so young, and everything about his birth is fresh is your mind, but once he starts walking, potty training, etc. you'll be so busy being a proud mom and enjoying all he's doing, that maybe your feelings will fade like mine. DS is now 4, and I don't give it a passing thought now. {{{{HUGS}}}}, you're obviously a great Mom, and Nathan is lucky to have you!!

 

[glo]

I had a c-section with my first...because it was an emergency delivery. With my twins believe it or not, I had natural delivery. I did not feel anymore a mother in either delivery. I guess I was so thrilled to have my babies, that it didn't matter to me how they were born. That being said, I know of people that have felt like you and I think it is comman. I hope you know that you weren't cheated, because you got the best gift of all your baby...

 

[Lisa L from MI]

After a LONG and TERRIBLE labor with my first one...they had to take it C-section. I didn't mind at all...maybe it was cause I was in so much pain. (epidurals just don't work on me!!!....I astounded the anestesiolgist (SP?))..... She was coming down face up (isn't that the "wrong" way...brains not working today!!)

Anyway....with my second...my ob/gyn more or less talked me into a VBAC.......and I did and I REALLY wish I would have just went with the scheduled C-section. It was an awful experience for me.....she was coming down the wrong way too and they had to use the vacuum thingy and the forceps.

If I had a 3rd, which I don't think I will, I would DEFINITELY schedule a C-section!!!

BTW, they did induce me too.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I've heard that some moms feel guilt. Not me!! I was thrilled to have a c-section! DS was 10 lbs. 2 ozs. There was no way I was going without a cs. I felt great afterwards also. Four days later I was with baby at a moms' meeting at my church.

 

[tigercat]

I think that the lack of control and the lack of compassion from the medical field can make a delivery feel like a failure. I was induced with my 1st and it was fine. The 2nd was natural but the nurses didn't believe me when I said the baby was coming because I seemed to go from 4 to 10 in a matter of 5 minutes each time. I ended up with only the nurses in attendance because the only reason they were calling the Dr. was because I said I had to push and they wanted to give me something to shut me up. The were moving me to a delivery table with her head coming out. The 3rd was the best as I had changed Dr.s and hospitals. I was able to do anything I wanted and actually delivered in the labour room bed. The Dr. listened to me when I said don't go anywhere even though I am only 4 cm. and sure enough I delivered him in less than 20 min. later. The 4th was a C-section at the same hospital and Dr. but I laboured for a lot longer time and I was not progressing. They decided to do a C-section fast with me awake and my dh there. I still felt in control and the Dr.'s included me in everything. He ended up being 9 lbs. Way too big for me to deliver. The others were 5 lbs. 2 oz, 4 lbs. 14 ozs (and 2 weeks late) and 5 lbs. 14 oz. The delivery that I felt the worst about was my 2nd because of the way things were handled. Now my baby is almost 22 so we are talking many years ago so the feeling can go away. I just see the neat way all my kids have grown and the birth is just a story now.
tigercat

 

[Kteacher]

I think I understand how you're feeling right now. I went into premature labor with my first. He was transverse breech ( sideways) , I had to drive myself to the hospital, I had nothing ready -I think I had my wallet, a lipstick, and an eyepencil with me . Before I knew it I was on a table in an operating room, and then my son was held up to my face. This was not the birth experience I thought I was going to have!!! When friends found out I had a c-section ther first response was" oh, I'm sorry" . That's when I realized-hello- I have a healthy baby here-isn't that really what I wanted? Baby #2 was a try for a v-bac, but he just wouldn't budge (8lbs 2 oz. at 38 weeks) . Third baby I just scheduled a c-section (another 8lb. 2 oz baby ) They are now 15 ,12, and 10, and how they came into the world is just a distant memory. Enjoy babyhood-it goes by so fast!!!!

 

[mtemm]

I totally understand, Becka. My son is 7 months old today and I had planned for a totally natural birth...ended up in a c-section. I was so greatful my son was fine (section was due to him being non-responsive all day). However, I did feel very cheated for the first month or so. In a way I still do...but the feelings aren't as strong.

I will never feel that I gave birth to him...I had no part of it. But you know, its okay. As a friend of mine said, some people need more help conceiving, others need more help at the end...

I'm already thinking of #2 and weighing all the pros and cons of a VBAC...spending a lot of time on the parentsplace and parentsoup boards.

Sorry for your disappointment, but congrats on a sweet little baby!

Marcia

 

[slimplaw]

2 C-Sections here. I never regretted it and never felt guilt. The goal was to have a healthy baby and that is what I accomplished. Both were planned c-sections so I never went into labor. I was out for one and awake for the other. My first doctor developed a c-section procedure which was used for many years, he felt that recuperation internally was quicker with a c-section. I had no problems recuperating and was driving within 2-3 weeks.

 

[ripleysmom]

Becka, the feelings you are describing are normal. I had a C-Section and was fine with it yet there are many women out there who have the same feelings you do.

Here is a link to a discussion board where you can post about your feelings and perhaps get additional support for them.

http://mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=21


Just wanted to say that my 2nd pregnancy was a VBAC (no drugs ). I am very grateful that I had that option only because I hated the recovery from the C-Section.

 

[DopeyRN]

I had 2 natural deliveries...well make that with an epidural. The first was 9 lbs 3 oz with a 15 inch head (turned sideways)...the second just under those measurements. I will not go into details here, but let me just say these deliveries each caused some nasty break mom consequences. I was a miserable little puppy. The third child I had a C/S and hysterectomy at the same time. It was a BREEZE compared to the other ones. I was much better able to take care of my son.

The important thing is mom and baby being safe and healthy. If that has happened then the delivery was wonderful. Please don't get hung up on the method....

 

[JohnTBap]

I felt that way for a while after DD, too. Then I realized that if I wasn't able to have a C Section, we both might have died. I try to look at it as a blessing. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Lars624]

Becka,
I think I know how you are feeling. My first pregnancy was with twins & on my due date I hadn't dialated or effaced at all & my OB was afraid that I was too big & my uterus might rupture so I delivered 2 babies that each weighed 8lbs2oz by c-section the next morning. I don't know if what I felt afterward was exactly cheated, but I definately felt like I had missed something by not having any contractions or anything. My incision was not bikini line, it runs from my belly button down on the outside, but the only incision that counts is the one in the uterus & that one is horizontal not vertical so I was able to have a VBAC birth with my youngest. I also spent 2 days on pitocin with him & had no problems being induced.
Having your beautiful baby at home with you is an incredible blessing! Having done both I know that no matter how you deliver the end result is still as wonderful and magical.........a baby!
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}