Childbirth (C-Section) Guilt...inspired by trayletha

[becka]

It will be 4 months tomorrow since my wonderful DS was born. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. I have physically recovered very well from the childbirth but I am still harboring pretty negative feelings about my childbirth experience and I am wondering if this is normal.

I ended up having a c-section and I still feel "cheated" out of a real birth experience. I had a miserable labor (not pain wise but just very frustrating) and was not allowed to do anything - they would not even let me turn over on my side - because they wanted to monitor my blood pressure. I am convinced that because I was not able to walk/move and handle my pain that is the reason I ended up with a labor that would not progress.

I was a totally inactive participant in my son's birth. I feel very jealous of mom's who have had babies the "natural" way. I even find myself wishing I could get pregnant again real soon so I can try to give birth the "right way" this time. Is this normal? Did anyone else dwell on their c-sections like this?

 

[POLLY ANN]

becka, there isn't a "right" way to have a baby. Don't feel cheated that you weren't able to experience a ******l delivery. Be thankful! lol

I have 3 kids and I wouldn't have cared less which way they got here, as long as they got here safe and sound. That is the most important thing to focus on.

Enjoy that precious baby, that's all that counts!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Don't worry Becka - Motherhood is all about guilt so you are definately headed in the right direction.

I've never had a C Section so I can't tell you. I've heard other women describe similar feelings however.

 

[MosMom]

Your experience isn't uncommon at all. I'm not surprised to hear that you weren't allowed to move around because that is common in hospital births. You are most likely correct in thinking that because you weren't allowed to move, it slowed labor. Don't worry though, VBACS (******l Birth After Cesarian) are common and if you had a bikini line incision you are an excellent candidate for one. The only tricky thing is, you can't be induced if you have a VBAC...you must go naturally because they have found that being induced greatly increases the chance of uterine rupture.

I know MANY women who have felt the same way you do because they had to have a C/S. Just remember though, you have a healthy baby. I know that having a positive birth experience is important so start making decisions for your next birth. Look into using a midwife or maybe hire a Doula who can be your birth advocate. Birthing centers offer the advances of a hospital but the beliefs of a midwife and they can be a good compromise for someone who wants an intervention free birth but also wants technology on her side in case something goes wrong.

I don't know how you feel because I have never had to have a C/S but I know countless women who do share your feelings so you aren't alone. I hope this helps.

 

[wvjules]

I had a c-section too and I feel no guilt about it. I progressed through labor, had all the pains/feelings associated with it, but my baby was sideways and couldn't do it on her own. Contrary to what you believe, you were a very active participant in your child's birth. You both just needed a little extra assistance, that's all.

 

[KimRaye]

After over 14 years, I still am angry that an inept anestheologist (sp?) 'cheated' me out of an Awake, scheduled C-sec. Due to his screw-up, I was put under completely and, knew nothing about the birth. And, didn't see or hold my DS for 3 more hours due to recovery, etc.

But, take comfort and joy that your baby is healthy & happy.

BTW, I had a VBAC with DD 4+ years ago so, you can still try again.

 

[Buckalew]

You know, Becka, I think this is more common than I ever thought it was. I have done several woman's hair who have had C-sections who said the very same thing as you. I really wish you didn't feel this way because you have this beautiful baby boy who I know you love so much. I had an epidural and actually had some women ask me if I thought I'd like to have another child & do it "natural"--like I failed or something. Hey, I wanted that epidural (I wanted it in the parking lot but they wouldn't allow it!!) and it was as natural as it was gonna be for me. Please don't give in to what I think (& I stress I think) are negative self thoughts/talk. You did great having your baby. He is a blessing to you. There is always greener grass. I am sure there are adoptive moms who feel this way. But you have the final result... a beautiful, healthy baby. I want you to know I know you are not saying you are not happy or grateful. I know that you are. Just stick with those positive thoughts and enjoy your son. In time, when you want another baby, maybe that baby's birth will be different. Many {{{hugs}}} to you today.

 

[kejoda]

Coming from someone that had 3 very different labors: very little meds, a lot of meds and a c-section I would have to say that none of them made me feel liked I had failed as a mother. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid. I just think that just because you have been through labor it doesn't make you a mother. Its the everyday caring for your child that makes a Mom not how the baby got there.

I just wanted to add that my Sil felt the same way as you do and she is one of the best Moms I know. Focus on your baby. Having him here to care for and to love is what is the most important thing.

Also if these feelings don't go away see your doctor.

{{{HUGS}}}Becka

 

[d.kurz]

Becka: I had 2 c-sections and I didn't feel any of the things you are feeling. My second birth I was going to try a v****** birth, but it turned out to be not possible. I am surprised to read that some women feel cheated. The outcome was good for me both times, so I guess that's what I focused on. I hope you feel better about this eventually. Try not to beat yourself up over things you couldn't control. Just be a good mommy!!

 

[becka]

I guess I should have explained more. I don't want people to think that I harbor negative feelings toward DS. I love him more than I could ever have imagined. I love being a Mom to him and I am very happy and feel so very blessed to be a part of his life.

I kept thinking that this was a temporary little concern but it has just suprised me how long I have continued to think about it. I never thought that a c-section would bother me and I still don't really understand because I have a wonderful, healthy baby and I know that is all that should really count but for some reason my brain is not getting that message.

 

[Marion]

Becka: not uncommon feelings at all. How about looking at this from a slightly different perspective. You GREW a baby! For 9 months your body nurtured, supported and grew a brand-new human being....how cool is that?

Don't let the final few hours of this tremendous journey take ANY sense of this incredible accomplishment away from you.

 

[Kelsie]

I also had a C-Section but never experienced the feelings you are having. My DD was in distress, it was the only way. I have always been grateful that a C-section was an option.

((hugs))

 

[mrsv98]

Becka,

I had a scheduled c-section because DD was completely the wrong way around, head up and face out and was that way for more than three months. I did feel a bit odd because we knew three weeks in advance when DD was going to be born. It kind of took some of the last minute fun and anticipation out of her birth but there was no way my OB would even attempt a ******l delivery with a breech baby. For a while I did feel somehow *cheated* but that gradually faded. I do regret it a little since we don't intend to have another so I won't have a chance to see what the *normal* way feels like. You just have to give yourself time, your body has gone through enormous changes the last year and even tho Nathan is 2 months old, your hormones are not yet back to regular levels.

Focus on him and if you do have the joy of having another child then you will have a chance to go through all the pain then!!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Sometimes I think the focus, from outside forces, is so much on the perfect delivery and not enough on the outcome, that women end up feeling like they need to perform rather than have a baby!

I had a C-section with my first DD, and having had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, I was just so relieved to see that I actually had a real baby! I felt amazingly removed from the pregnancy and the delivery...now I just had what I always wanted...a healthy baby...and I felt the same with my two subsequent deliveries...both VBACs (and BTW, my DS was induced, no problems). It would have been fine with me if they had both been C-sections...my kids weighed 10-1, 10-5 and 11-5!

I was supposed to have delivered my first DD in the ABC (alternative birth center) at the hospital, but never made it there due to fetal distress. When DD was about 8 months old, I got a call from the ABC that they were forming a playgroup of babies and moms who had at least registered to use the ABC. As I sat at the first (and last) gathering chatting, I was shocked by the pity my situation seemed to bring on...a loud gasp by one attendee that I had had a C-section. It was the only time I ever felt negatively about the C-section...and only briefly, because I looked down at my GORGEOUS HEALTHY baby girl playing on the floor, and thought, "but I've got HER!"

 

[MosMom]

I think that maybe your negative feelings aren't against the c/s per se but against the fact that you feel you weren't given the opportunity to labor how you wanted. You feel that if you were given that opportunity your birth outcome would have been different. I don't see anything wrong with that.

YOU shouldn't feel guilty though, because YOU didn't do anything wrong.

Was your blood pressure really high? Why did they want to monitor your blood pressure? Were they just doing it out of routine or because your bp was unusually high?

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

No guilt for me...there was no way I was going to squeeze out my 11.5 pound kid.

I'm sorry you're disappointed Becka.

 

[imgoingtodisney]

Heck no I dont feel cheated at all. The doc had me wait till I was fully dilated then took DS by c-section. So I had the pain both before & after.

 

[Talking Hands]

I had 2 C-sec. The first one emergency and the second one scheduled. Yes I did feel resentful that I had to have a C-sec but finally realized it was for the best ofr both me and my daughter. I had toxemia and she had to be delievered 6 weeks early. I never got to labor with either one. But I have to beautiful grown daughters now and am just thankful I have them.

 

[cleo]

If you're stuck in a collapsing house does it matter if you get out through the door or the window?

I had a C-sec after 19 hours of hard labor and 6 hours of pushing so no, I didn't feel cheated at all. I felt like I'd been through a prize fight, but I won the Lifetime Award... my son.

I think Mare's right... we've been misled into thinking there's a 'perfect' way to give birth, or a more womanly way. What could be more womanly than building an entire new being? You did it perfectly, my dear, and have that beautiful baby to prove it.

 

[MosMom]

Don't get me wrong...I have NOTHING against C-Sections when they can save the life of a baby! There are, however, many doctors who will jump to use a C-Section when it isn't necessary or make women do things in the labor process that leads them to need a C-Section. Most of the time these things are outdated procedures that are routinely done.

My daughter's birth was extremely traumatic and I came very close to having a C-Section. When my water broke, it was meconium stained and it scared me to death. At the time, I didn't know much about labor and delivery. Mo went into distress and her heartbeat dropped dramatically. I was stressed out and I wasn't dilating at all. I didn't dilate at all from 3 cms in a 7 hour span of time until they strongly suggested that I take an epidural. I took it and my labor turned around immediately. I had her within a few hours from taking the epidural. I am far from believing that we should never use medical intervention...I would be a hypocrite if I did believe that because my daughter probably wouldn't be here without that help. I was LUCKY that my labor shifted gears.

C-sections are wonderful and they can save a baby's life but they aren't without risk of their own and I think that perhaps women should be allowed to do all they can to labor naturally (if they want to...they shouldn't be forced to labor naturally if they don't want to either) before being made to take that risk. C-Sections should be used when the risk of natural labor outweighs the risk of the C-Section. A C-Section is major surgery and shouldn't be taken lightly but some doctors don't hesitate to jump into one.

I'm all for healthy babies and healthy moms and I don't think there is a perfect way to get a baby. I do think that there are safety issues involved with the overuse of C-Sections though.

MaryAnn, you are right about the pitocin thing...apparently some things have changed in the last year or so as I found a study on the rupture rates of induced vs. spontaneous labors. A friend of mine just had a VBAC after 3 C-Sections and she could not be induced but that was probably due to the multiple C-Sections prior.