Child-free, but not by choice?

[mickey8888]

I can relate to what your feeling in away. Granted I've only been to Disney 2 (once in High School for Grad night) then last year with DH. In 2004 DH and I had our first child. He was born on Oct. 26,2004 he was several weeks early, we named in Dylan. He was a healthy premie. On December 6, 2004 we woke up in the middle of the night to feed Dylan and he wasn't breathing. Our baby passed away due to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death). He was in the dr. office aprox a week earlier and got a good bill of health. When we planned our trip to Disney it was mentioned about all the young children and how would it make us feel. We had a great time and can't wait to return to WDW. Sure we would be even more delighted to go with our own children but that doesn't seem possible at this time (no luck getting pregnet). Until that day comes were we are blessed with another bundle of joy I will go to WDW and be the Kid. We had a dinner at the Crystal Palace last year and there was a family behind us with 2 little kids (age 3 and 5). The little boy took right to me, he came over to me talking sharing his autograph book and telling me all about his trip. It was great. Then it was time for us to go and he was so upset he wanted to go with DH and I because we were "cool". That was great. If Disney makes you feel better then that's all that matters. I wish you all the best with getting pregnent in the near future.

 

[DVCajun]

I can so relate to many of you on this thread!

I struggled with infertility for almost a decade before deciding to adopt. Now I kick myself for waiting to adopt -- I should have just gone with it from the beginning, but you know how it is .... it seems like you're giving up on the prospect of having a home grown child, like if you proceed with adoption you're putting up a sign that says, "I don't want to get pregnant." But let me tell you, I bonded with my oldest the moment he was born -- I was in the delivery room and it was beautiful. Don't believe the lie that you won't be able to love your adopted child as much as a home grown child -- it's just not true. Your own heart will tell you this, but what does your heart know -- it's never had a child either!

The blame for those poor children who have slipped through the cracks and are now "too old" to adopt ... that blame needs to be settled firmly on the shoulders of our social workers and judges who give the biological parents chance after chance to proove that they're losers as parents (ironically they'll put perfectly qualified, good hearted, honest potential adoptive couples through a long and rigorous scrutiny before approving *them* as parents -- what a ridiculous double standard they have) -- by the time they terminate the "rights" of their loser parents these children have emotional issues that are tough for the average person to take on. It's really unfair to the children. True, every case doesn't follow this scenerio, but soooo many do. Trust me, I'm educated to the point of nausea on this particular topic.

I think that those who have a heart for these older children should consider opening their own homes to them. Infertility isn't a prerequisite for adoption.

 

[Mischa]

During the time we tried to have our own (biological) child we looked into adoption too.

It was even harder than trying to have our own! Due to the fact that DH & I have 15 years difference in our ages (and that we are not in the same religion, I'm Catholic and DH doesn't care what religion the child is brought up as, which didn't matter to any of the agencies we spoke with), we were given such a hard time. It was even more devestating than every month realizing I wasn't PG.

At the time DH & I were both working (now DH has "retired" and is at home) and I was told by a nun that if I wouldn't quit my job to stay home with my adopted child then I "didn't deserve to be a mother." I was so shocked and hurt - I actually called her a b*tch! How dare she judge me I told her! After that, and all the other road blocks we had, we decided that perhaps this wasn't the path God had intended for us. So we continued to pursue having our own child. And well, now I guess that wasn't what God intended for us either.

Adoption (for many folks) is not easy nor is it cheap. And they do give so many chances to the biological parents that the poor kids become victims and end up with emotional problems. It's so sad!

Ok...I'm off my soap box now.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I agree completely, I have run into so many roadblocks just considering adoption. My husband and I both work, but if I had to quit to stay at home (which I would love to do) we couldn't survive. I make alot more money than my husband does, so we just can't do without me working. We have everything we need as well as a few luxuries, but we just can't afford IVF or adoption, so it looks like I have run out of options. My employer doesn't offer any adoption assistance except unpaid leave after you use up vacation, sick leave, PTO. I dn't think that is fair. Any woman going on Maternity leave can use her short term disability after she runs out of other leave, but adoption costs alot more than having your own child, and the states mandates that you take time off work after an adoption (AL is up to 60 days), they don't mandate maternity leave. An adopted child needs just as much attention and work as a child you have of your own. I have tried making suggestions, but it makes no difference. There aren't really any employers around here that offer adoption assistance. This is the South, they expect you to stay barefoot and pregnant all of the time (great stereotype HUH!)

Everyone says "you still have plenty of time", which I might, but I am 33 and I wan't to be able to enjoy my baby and I want to be around until they are grown. I used to kid my mother because she was 25 when I was born,so this makes me feel really old.

As far as adopting an older child, besides the many emotional problems, is that many of the children are severly handicapped, which doesn't bother me, but because I don't feel that I can give them what they need because I do work. So many of them need a full time stay at home parent and we just can't do that. I see what kind of care my cousin's Autistic (he is on the mild end of the spectrum) 4 year old needs and I can't give it. If I gave birth to a child that would be different, I wouldn't have a choice(I know that sounds horrible).

Right now I don't know where I want to be, I am going through one of my "numb" stages. About two weeks ago, I was ready to do whatever it took to adopt, but this week, I don't know where I am. The more reasearch I do, the more discouraged I get.

I go to see my GYN, on Valentine's day of all days, for my yearly exam, and I am going to ask her if I can try Metformin, this will be my last resort. I have some fibroids/cysts in my uterus, so I am going to talk to her about that, I believe they may be some of the problem. As I said before, the RE I saw wan't much interested in helping me since I'm not rich and my insurance doesn't pay much. My insurance pays for eveything up to the diagnosis for Infertility(real smart huh).

Off my soap box now, but if is great having someone to talk to who understands

PrincessSuzanne

 

[DVCajun]

The topic of the expense of adoption has come up many times on this thread, but so far no one has mentioned the $10,000 tax credit available to adoptive families. A tax CREDIT is different than a deduction -- it's a dollar for dollar CREDIT that you get back from the IRS when you adopt. The total expense to adopt our second child was just over $11,000, which means that it was only $1,000 out of pocket for us.

Just something to think about.

 

[goldilocks_63]

"children who have slipped through the cracks and are now "too old" to adopt ... "
That's our DD-8.

We adopted our daughter - was three at the time. SHe was passed up several times for adoption due to a medical condition (now fixed. Took a year), and not being a baby.

Now everyone says how did we get such a beautiful child.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I too wish I had adopted sooner.

Once we relaxed our search criterea (any race, any age, any where in the world), it took less than a year to match.

I had trouble in the U.S., because I too am a working mom and many birth moms wanted stay at home MOms.

Anyone wanting any more info, PM or email me,

I've been thru both IVF, and adoption,

oh, and when we adopted the tax credit was only $5,000. ALso, many couples seeking financial help ask family / friends / church for assistance, and instead of xmas / b-day presents save up.

I've even seen funds raised by e-baying stuff to make room for the new child, and raise money.

Sorry to all of you going thru your pain. I used Disney as my refuge (before and after, and in-between miscarriages, and family deaths. But when I got DD, took her first to Disney even before home in Chicago.

GOldi

 

[Mischa]

We had the money for adoption and would have loved the tax credit but the agencies we spoke to wouldn't talk to us because there was more than 10 years different in our ages or we weren't the same religion (or whatever else they came up with).

I'm adopted (was adopted at age 2 with a heart defect and needed open heart surgery at age 7), so I'm all for adopting, but these agencies are just unbelievable!

some wanted us to do fostering but after what a friend of ours went through (fostering, promised only a kid they would be able to adopt, half way through the adoption the judge gave the child back to the birthparent - totally broke my friends' heart). I couldn't go through that. It's painful wanting kids and not being able to have them, but to go through that - I wouldn't be able to handle that!

 

[Nennie]

Sorry that this thread went off on a tangent about the pros and cons of adoption, as that was not my intent when I started this thread.

Rather, I was hoping that us child-free folks could commiserate, lean on each other, chat about TTCing, IF treatments, adoption (without making the sole focus whether or not we should all adopt), etc.

That being said...

Anyone cycling in the near future?

I have an appt. with the RE tommorrow night to talk about our next cycle. This will be the first time back at the RE since we lost our son, so I'm going to try my best not to get emotional during the appt. I'm hoping to cycle in late March/Early April. It's been a year since my last cycle, so I'm hoping they don't make me do a lot of re-testing, etc.

What does everyone else have on their plate?

 

[Nennie]

Suzanne -- I know what you mean about feeling older. I'm 33 too, and as each year ticks by, I feel it more than ever! I used to think I'd be done having kids by age 30, and now I'm hoping to be finished by age 40!

Mickey8888 -- HUGS to you! I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. Best of luck to you!

GSD4me -- I am glad that you are at peace with your decision, and you sound to be very happy. That's funny about the cats vs the dogs. DH says that our cats spoil us, b/c we can go away for the weekend and just lock them in the basement with their food/water and litter boxes, and we won't be able to do that with a baby! LOL!!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Sorry that this thread went off on a tangent about the pros and cons of adoption, as that was not my intent when I started this thread.

Rather, I was hoping that us child-free folks could commiserate, lean on each other, chat about TTCing, IF treatments, adoption (without making the sole focus whether or not we should all adopt), etc.

That being said...

Anyone cycling in the near future?

I have an appt. with the RE tommorrow night to talk about our next cycle. This will be the first time back at the RE since we lost our son, so I'm going to try my best not to get emotional during the appt. I'm hoping to cycle in late March/Early April. It's been a year since my last cycle, so I'm hoping they don't make me do a lot of re-testing, etc.

What does everyone else have on their plate?

Thank you, I thought we were running in the wrong direction.

I have completely given up on most everthing. I couldn't stand how cycling made me feel and my family couldn't stand to deal with me. I would get mean, but we have that right, after all look at what is being done to us, and look at what is being taken or shot into us. Since my mom didn't have problems conceiving me, she doesn't understand and my husband, well I just don't think he cares either way. He says as long as I am happy. What he really doesn't know is that I'm not happy and I don't know what it will take to make me happy.

I got married at 28 almost 29, so I knew that I would be an older mother, but I thought it would happen right away, but here I am 5 years later and no closer to having a baby than I was then. I will have given up long before I reach 40. I ust wish I knew how to deal with all of this and I wish people that haven't been where I am would shut up telling me what I need to do.

I wouldn't go back to the RE here if he was the last RE on earth, because I really believe he didn't do right by me and that is just wrong. I have considered going to India where IVF run only about $3,000 to $5,000 per cycle and that includes eveything, you just have to bring your sample with you, but since I don't have that kind of money and I don't fly, I won't be going to India.

On my plate for this weekend is a trip to Savannah for my mother's birthday, she wants to eat at Paula Deen's Restaurant, The Lady and Sons, so I am taking her, and my husband, and my 8 year old cousin.

Nennie, good luck with your next cycle, and you will be in my thoughts. Keep us updated.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[Mischa]

Nennie - good luck at the RE. My thoughts & prayers will be with you. It's hard not to get emotional. I remember when we were going I'd always tell myself "don't get your hopes up" but that never worked.

I think I may be the oldest here (I'll be 42 in April) but we didn't really start until I was in my late 30s (too much going on in our lives before that). Looking back we regret not starting sooner, however we didn't have the money when we were younger. Sort of like a catch 22, huh? After our last disappointment we decided enough. And so we decided to take care of ourselves and follow the childless path.

On my plate this weekend I'm going to a paint club meeting where we're doing an easy project. It's in the Shenendoah Valley in Virginia. It's so pretty out there (I just hope it doesn't snow!)

PrincessSuzanne - I've heard about Paula Deen's restaurant! I want to try it one day (if I get down that way!) Have fun!

 

[Gillian]

to all of you!

I'm also going to apologize here on behalf of anyone I might have said the wrong thing to in the past.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Nennie - good luck at the RE. My thoughts & prayers will be with you. It's hard not to get emotional. I remember when we were going I'd always tell myself "don't get your hopes up" but that never worked.

I think I may be the oldest here (I'll be 42 in April) but we didn't really start until I was in my late 30s (too much going on in our lives before that). Looking back we regret not starting sooner, however we didn't have the money when we were younger. Sort of like a catch 22, huh? After our last disappointment we decided enough. And so we decided to take care of ourselves and follow the childless path.

On my plate this weekend I'm going to a paint club meeting where we're doing an easy project. It's in the Shenendoah Valley in Virginia. It's so pretty out there (I just hope it doesn't snow!)

PrincessSuzanne - I've heard about Paula Deen's restaurant! I want to try it one day (if I get down that way!) Have fun!

Got to eat at Paula Deen's restaurant twice this weekend and it was wonderful, just thought you'd want to know

PrincessSuzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Well I went to my GYN today for my yearly exam and she talked me into trying Glucophage to see if it will help me lose some weight , start having a period again , and she even said that pregnancy word again. I'm gonna give this a try. I don't have high hopes, because nothing else has helped, but we'll see . There were so many pregnant women in her office today, that I thought about drinking the water to see if there was anything in there that would help.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[Mischa]

Good luck with the glucophage. I hate being in a room full of pg women. But I know what you mean - I'd be drinking the water myself - couldn't hurt.

Twice at Paula's huh? Did your mom enjoy her birthday?

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Good luck with the glucophage. I hate being in a room full of pg women. But I know what you mean - I'd be drinking the water myself - couldn't hurt.

Twice at Paula's huh? Did your mom enjoy her birthday?

Yes, It was wonderful to get to eat there twice, a once in a lifetime experience (well maybe not, a 4 hour drive isn't that bad). My mom had a great time. Thank you for asking. If you ever get over that way and plan to stay the night, stay at the River Street Inn, it was wonderful.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[aclov]

Nennie - I'll just start meds for my 2nd IVF.

PM me if you want to talk. Good luck with your treatment.

 

[aksunshine]

Hi ladies. I was drawn to this thread while searching for a grown- up night out activity. Now you guys have me in tears. My heart is just aching for you. I can't imagine the pain.

Luckily I have 2 healthy children, my pregnancies weren't any fun, but I am blessed still. And I have faith that if you don't gve up, you will be too. Now, I don't mean give up trying, or IVF, but rather, don't give up HOPE that God will bestow upon you a precious little one in one way or another.

My grandmother and MIL are both foster mothers and I have seen some of the most amazing little ones waiting for their Forever Family. In fact, DMIL has adopted 4 and DGM has adopted 2. If DH and I could afford it, we would probably look into adopting 3 precious little girls that DMIL has now. They have been waiting for nearly 2.5 years, but it is hard to find a family to take 3 at a time.

Anyway, there are babies waiting for a loving family and for some mommies it just isn't the same as having your own, but for those that just want to wrap their arms around a little one and sing away their pain and kiss away the tears, they're there. Good luck and my prayersare with you. Just don't give up, God has a plan....

 

[Disney Doll]

I am now 45 years odl. Did the infertility route from age 31-37. Minor male factor stuff that was easily corrected, and no one could find any female factor stuff, so theoretically, we should have been ale to conceive. Well, 7 or 8 IVFs later, we didn't, couldn't and decided to stop.

For us, adoption was not an option. We had some serious reservations about it. Egg donor wasn't an option either...for me, something about it didn't feel "right". So we decided to be a really great aunt and uncle to the many children God has put into our life, who our friends and family so generously share with us.

When we were doing the IVF thing, I made a few decisions. I decided that I was not going to not be around children. I did not want my friends to or family to feel uncomfortable around me when they were able to get pregnant and I wasn't. I have always felt that any baby was a reason to celebrate and just because I couldn't have one was no reason for my loved ones not to be happy about their good fortune and I wasn't going to be the one to put a damper on thier happiness. I forced myself to go to the store, where I might see babies, to baby showers and so forth, because life goes on, and I wanted to participate in life and celebrate with people. It was hard at times, but I forced myself.

Now I am 7 years of no trying and I must admit...it's not too bad not to have kids. DH & I have a lot of freedom to do what we want, we have the ability to love a lot of children, be generous with our time and resources to these children we love.

I truly feel that children cannot have too many people who love them, so for us to be "bonus parents" to so many is a blessing.

And it took me a long time to get to this point.

 

[traci]

I stumbled across this thread and just wanted to give some encouragement. First of all, hugs to you all! What big-heart loving women you are. We also struggled with infertility. Went through injections, IUI (physically, I was the one with the issues) and were one step away from doing IVF. I wont bore you with the tests, the drugs, the failed attempts. We went through our treatment at the Mayo Clinic and still think it was their aggressive approach that finally worked. As luck would have it we conceived on a round of IUI - our last attempt before moving onto IVF. DH and didn't think we would have any more children - we were just so thankful to have one. Our RE didn't suggest BC and neither did my OBGYN - seemed imposible for me to conceive naturally. Imagine our shock to find out we were got pregnant when our son was only 4 months old. I will be 35 this July. I truly just wanted to share my story to offer hope for you ladies on this journey. I remember having such mixed feelings for women who were pregnant or with a child after going through infertility...I also remember clinging to any kind of hopeful story I could find. I hope my post wasn't out of line. I think you are all amazing and strong women. Until someone has faced the challenge of infertility they will never understand. I truly just wanted to let you ladies know that I am praying for each of you tonight (infact I already did before posting). God Bless you and DO NOT GIVE UP! Miracles happen.

p.s. please feel free to pm if you have any questions