Child-free, but not by choice?

[billwendy]

hi all,

after our wonderful trip to disney for night of joy with our cousin and 5 of her 6 kids just this past weekend, she found out today that she had lost the one she was carrying and was due in february.....thankfully, she has 6 healthy children ranging from 1-18 years old - i feel really bad, because when she told me this summer that she was expecting again i was sooooooo jealous. ugh -

 

[Leger13]

I wanted to say....sorry for not personally responding to everything tonight. I need to get to bed since we are leaving so early in the morning but I just wanted to tell ya'll thanks for making me feel so welcomed in this group It's soooo nice to have people like you guys around. you all are awesome.

PrincessSuzanne - I will personally respond to you when we return from our trip.

We are leaving at 4am in the morning! I'm sooo stoked about this trip!!! I'll talk to you all when we return! Hope everyone has a great rest of the week and a great weekend and to those of you that will be at WDW at the same time as me...I hope you all have a GREAT time too!!!

 

[elainemeyerovitz]

I don't mean to be nosy or into your business, but how do people afford adoption. I haven't been able to get past my company not offering paid time off to a woman who wants to adopt. AL requires up to 60 days required for a parent to be in the home to get the child adjusted. I don't think it is fair that a woamn in our company can use her short term disability when she is out on maternity leave, after she has used up her vacation, PTO and sick time, but I can't if I want to adopt. Last time I checked Maternity leave is not actually required, by state law (there is no law that says it has to be allowed). Yes, I do know about the Family Medical Leave Act, but we don't qualify for that because of some loophole about # of employees within a certain proximity to each other. Then I have to complain about the unheard of amount for adoption fees. One agency we looked at said non-profit, but they have a $25,000 adoption fee, WTH, how is that non-profit.

I better stop before I really go off.

Suzanne

we took a home equity loan for the adoptions. total cost for 2 was about $50,000 out the door including all papers, fees, visas, travel, etc. BUT- my husband's employer reimbursed us $10,000 ($5K per child), we got a $10,500 (per child) tax credit, plus we got back from taxes about $9000 PER YEAR for the following 3 years. so it does all work out in the end. we would have spent $12k per IVF and MAYBE ended up with a child. I just did not want a pg bad enough to go thru it, especially since I could not afford to spend the money for an IVF and still adopt if need be.

I also wanted to add that with guatemalan adoption, our adoption was finalized in guatemala, so when we arrived home they were already legally ours, so we didn't need to wait six month or whatever for finalization like US adoptions. and since we had visited them prior to finalizing it there, the boys came home as US citizens already. and also, since they were older (7 mos old, not newborns), they were already sleeping thru the night, eating solid foods, etc, which helped with going back to work- newborns require much more and frequent feedings, naps, etc. I was off 5 weeks with each boy.

I do want to address the person who stated they had negative feelings about adoption and thus could never adopt. I would say to do research on adoption, talk to adoptive parents, and see if perhaps there might be a place in your heart for adoption. For me, I closed my eyes, and tried to visualize my life without a child. I could not do it- being a mom was just TOO important to me- and when I received the referral photos for my sons, I just KNEW they were meant to be my children.

Good luck to you all!

 

[billwendy]

i would love to adopt, but DH isnt sold on it yet - im just not sure where even to start - i've gotten packets of info etc - its just so overwhelming! any advice? i think i would need somebody to hold my hand through the process....

 

[jjk1107]

I don't mean to be nosy or into your business, but how do people afford adoption. I haven't been able to get past my company not offering paid time off to a woman who wants to adopt. AL requires up to 60 days required for a parent to be in the home to get the child adjusted. I don't think it is fair that a woamn in our company can use her short term disability when she is out on maternity leave, after she has used up her vacation, PTO and sick time, but I can't if I want to adopt. Last time I checked Maternity leave is not actually required, by state law (there is no law that says it has to be allowed). Yes, I do know about the Family Medical Leave Act, but we don't qualify for that because of some loophole about # of employees within a certain proximity to each other. Then I have to complain about the unheard of amount for adoption fees. One agency we looked at said non-profit, but they have a $25,000 adoption fee, WTH, how is that non-profit.

I better stop before I really go off.

Suzanne

The way that we were able to afford the beginning of the adoption process was due to some from my in-laws. My mother in law wanted to help my husband and I buy a house by giving us $10,000. That would not have been enough for us to put down on a house living here in Orlando where small houses go for over $200,000, plus my husband and I really like the apartment complex we live in. I was 6 months away from turning 30, which is the age you have to be in order to adopt from China. I asked her if there was any way she would be willing to still give us the money but to use it for the adoption instead, which she agreed to do.

If this had not been the case though, we would have used credit. My company reimburses us for $5,000, the IRS reimburses us about $11,000 through an adoption credit, and my husband's company reimburses us $3,000 once we come back from China with the child. The total cost will be about $18,000, so we will actually be reimbursed the total amount.

If you are serious about wanting to adopt and do not have the funds available, you may qualify for several adoption grants that exist. I know that Wendy's founder Dave Thomas Foundation has a great site with information on how to pay for adoptions. He lists companies that provide reimbursement as well as grants.

Hope this helps out some!

 

[jjk1107]

i would love to adopt, but DH isnt sold on it yet - im just not sure where even to start - i've gotten packets of info etc - its just so overwhelming! any advice? i think i would need somebody to hold my hand through the process....

The best advice I can give you is to do a lot of research and talk to other parents who have adopted. There are some great adoption forums out there that you can post on and ask questions to. Also, shop around for an agency. When I was looking for an agency to adopt from China for, the price difference was anywhere from $17,000 to $24,000. I did a lot of research on the one that priced it out at $17,000 and found that agency to be one of the most reputable there was. I chose that agency not only because of the price, but because of their amazing reputation.

Several agencies have monthly meetings to discuss adoption. Check agency websites and see if they have any sessions in your area. The agency that I went with also matches you up with a mentor once you are logged in with China to help you through the ever increasing wait time for the match. if you would like to know the agency name, please PM me and I will send it to you.

Good luck!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

The way that we were able to afford the beginning of the adoption process was due to some from my in-laws. My mother in law wanted to help my husband and I buy a house by giving us $10,000. That would not have been enough for us to put down on a house living here in Orlando where small houses go for over $200,000, plus my husband and I really like the apartment complex we live in. I was 6 months away from turning 30, which is the age you have to be in order to adopt from China. I asked her if there was any way she would be willing to still give us the money but to use it for the adoption instead, which she agreed to do.

If this had not been the case though, we would have used credit. My company reimburses us for $5,000, the IRS reimburses us about $11,000 through an adoption credit, and my husband's company reimburses us $3,000 once we come back from China with the child. The total cost will be about $18,000, so we will actually be reimbursed the total amount.

If you are serious about wanting to adopt and do not have the funds available, you may qualify for several adoption grants that exist. I know that Wendy's founder Dave Thomas Foundation has a great site with information on how to pay for adoptions. He lists companies that provide reimbursement as well as grants.

Hope this helps out some!

I have done alot of research, but have hit a road block every time I have tried to do anything.

The Dave Thomas Foundation is for children in foster care, and DHR won't even accept an application for children under the age of 6 here in Alabama. They have that comment on their website, so you just might as well not even ask. The companies listed are companies that you have to work for to get assistance.

I don't own a house yet so I don't have any equity to pull out of it and I can foregt about even mentioning adoption to my inlaws, well I don't even talk to my mother-in-law, she is scum and that is putting it lightly (she gave me some yard sale candle sticks and 2 beanie babies as a wedding gift). She live in a travle trailer in California because they are too cheap to buy a house or get an apartment and she drinks so badly the Betty Ford Center probably wouldn't take her. I'm just sure I don't want her opinion on adoption. I don't know if DH has mentioned any of this to his father and stepmother, and I haven't talked to them either.

I know is sounds like I am making excuses, but if you really knew me, you would understand what has gone on in my life the last couple of years, and I'm not talking about all of the infertility battle either.

Well, my shift is up, but I will follow up tomorrow or over the weekend.

Suzanne

 

[JudyS]

Hi, everyone, I just found this thread! I've been a DISboards member for ages, but don't usually visit this particular board.

My own story is that I have desperately wanted children since I was 20 years old. I didn't have an opportunity to get married (didn't even generally have a boyfriend) until I was 30. My health was already not great, and I knew I would have trouble conceiving. (Actually, I had known that even in my late teens.) I went to lots and lots of doctors, both to try to resolve the infertility problems, and to try to fix other health problems (including some other gynecological problems.) This went on for many years. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make much progress on the health problems, and I never conceived. I did IUI w/clomid and luteinizing hormone shots a bunch of times (I did about 6 cycles of clomid), but never had a positive pregnancy test.

Two years ago, I came back from a solo Disney trip, where I had really, really wished I had a child to share the wonder of Disney with! I was determined to adopt. My husband and I selected an adoption agency and started doing parenting training with them; we were hoping to adopt a little girl from China. Unfortunately, my husband lost his job a few months later. This meant that we no longer qualified to adopt from China (they have minimum income requirements), even if we could have have afforded adopting, which we couldn't.

We are still struggling financially (my husband has not found full-time work, although he has a temporary job that starts Monday -- it is predicted to last one month.) China has greatly tightened the rules for adoptive parents in the past year, so I doubt now that we'd qualify. I'm not sure that there is any way that we will ever be parents of a young child -- I am now 44, and my husband is 49. Even if our financial situation improves, I'm not sure there is any program that will give a young child to parents our age, especially since we both have physical health problems.

I have been very upset about this at times, but I am now considering adopting an adolescent as a way of finally becoming a mom. There are very few restrictions on adopting older children, and the expense is much lower. (Sometimes, the government will pay you to adopt an older child.) I don't feel we can take on responsibility for a child right away, given the uncertainly of our finances, but generally there aren't any real upper age limits on adopting teenagers, so we can wait until our finances are better. In the meantime, I have signed up to be an online mentor in a program for older teens who have "aged out" of the foster system.

My heart goes out to other people who are struggling with this! I consider myself fortunate that at least I never experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a child who died shortly after birth.

I still love going to Disney, even though I have no children to bring. I'm very good at doing budget Disney trips. (I'm especially good at finding timeshares to stay at, including DVC timeshares, for very little money.) I just got back from a 5-night solo trip to the Boardwalk Villas that cost me about $500. So, even with our difficult finances, I still get to Disney. Maybe some of us ladies from this thread could get together and share a trip to Disneyworld! I would really like that!

 

[AutumnKlassic]

I also just found this tonight and am not sure when I can get through the whole 40 pages to read everyones story (but I will someday). My story is a little complicated but I will try to keep it short. Lets just say my fiancee had cancer and I have PCOS. Together these have kept us childless. We plan on adopting (turned 30 last month) from China. But our families cant seem to understand to leave us alone. We havent discussed things with them (mostly because all the questions) and they keep asking "Why dont you two have kids yet?" These mostly come from his uncle who I cant stand. They really dont understand the Disney thing either. Its nice to see other people go through the same thing as us. Keep your head up!

 

[jjk1107]

I have done alot of research, but have hit a road block every time I have tried to do anything.

The Dave Thomas Foundation is for children in foster care, and DHR won't even accept an application for children under the age of 6 here in Alabama. They have that comment on their website, so you just might as well not even ask. The companies listed are companies that you have to work for to get assistance.

I don't own a house yet so I don't have any equity to pull out of it and I can foregt about even mentioning adoption to my inlaws, well I don't even talk to my mother-in-law, she is scum and that is putting it lightly (she gave me some yard sale candle sticks and 2 beanie babies as a wedding gift). She live in a travle trailer in California because they are too cheap to buy a house or get an apartment and she drinks so badly the Betty Ford Center probably wouldn't take her. I'm just sure I don't want her opinion on adoption. I don't know if DH has mentioned any of this to his father and stepmother, and I haven't talked to them either.

I know is sounds like I am making excuses, but if you really knew me, you would understand what has gone on in my life the last couple of years, and I'm not talking about all of the infertility battle either.

Well, my shift is up, but I will follow up tomorrow or over the weekend.

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne,

I have sent you a PM with my home phone number. Please call me and I can help you with finding companies that do adoption grants and loans. The loans are not based on credit and have 0 interest and are repaid when you get the tax credit.

Janet

 

[jjk1107]

Hi, everyone, I just found this thread! I've been a DISboards member for ages, but don't usually visit this particular board.

My own story is that I have desperately wanted children since I was 20 years old. I didn't have an opportunity to get married (didn't even generally have a boyfriend) until I was 30. My health was already not great, and I knew I would have trouble conceiving. (Actually, I had known that even in my late teens.) I went to lots and lots of doctors, both to try to resolve the infertility problems, and to try to fix other health problems (including some other gynecological problems.) This went on for many years. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make much progress on the health problems, and I never conceived. I did IUI w/clomid and luteinizing hormone shots a bunch of times (I did about 6 cycles of clomid), but never had a positive pregnancy test.

Two years ago, I came back from a solo Disney trip, where I had really, really wished I had a child to share the wonder of Disney with! I was determined to adopt. My husband and I selected an adoption agency and started doing parenting training with them; we were hoping to adopt a little girl from China. Unfortunately, my husband lost his job a few months later. This meant that we no longer qualified to adopt from China (they have minimum income requirements), even if we could have have afforded adopting, which we couldn't.

We are still struggling financially (my husband has not found full-time work, although he has a temporary job that starts Monday -- it is predicted to last one month.) China has greatly tightened the rules for adoptive parents in the past year, so I doubt now that we'd qualify. I'm not sure that there is any way that we will ever be parents of a young child -- I am now 44, and my husband is 49. Even if our financial situation improves, I'm not sure there is any program that will give a young child to parents our age, especially since we both have physical health problems.

I have been very upset about this at times, but I am now considering adopting an adolescent as a way of finally becoming a mom. There are very few restrictions on adopting older children, and the expense is much lower. (Sometimes, the government will pay you to adopt an older child.) I don't feel we can take on responsibility for a child right away, given the uncertainly of our finances, but generally there aren't any real upper age limits on adopting teenagers, so we can wait until our finances are better. In the meantime, I have signed up to be an online mentor in a program for older teens who have "aged out" of the foster system.

My heart goes out to other people who are struggling with this! I consider myself fortunate that at least I never experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or a child who died shortly after birth.

I still love going to Disney, even though I have no children to bring. I'm very good at doing budget Disney trips. (I'm especially good at finding timeshares to stay at, including DVC timeshares, for very little money.) I just got back from a 5-night solo trip to the Boardwalk Villas that cost me about $500. So, even with our difficult finances, I still get to Disney. Maybe some of us ladies from this thread could get together and share a trip to Disneyworld! I would really like that!

A trip to Disney would be great, not that I have far to go since I live only 40 minutes from there. It is always nice to talk to other people that are in the same situation because I do not think people can understand the pain that we go through.

 

[jjk1107]

I also just found this tonight and am not sure when I can get through the whole 40 pages to read everyones story (but I will someday). My story is a little complicated but I will try to keep it short. Lets just say my fiancee had cancer and I have PCOS. Together these have kept us childless. We plan on adopting (turned 30 last month) from China. But our families cant seem to understand to leave us alone. We havent discussed things with them (mostly because all the questions) and they keep asking "Why dont you two have kids yet?" These mostly come from his uncle who I cant stand. They really dont understand the Disney thing either. Its nice to see other people go through the same thing as us. Keep your head up!

It is amazing how insensitive people can be even if they know that you can not conceive. Prior to our adoption, we had told all of our family that I could not get pregnant because I knew in my late teens. I was in the car with my family including my baby nephew one day and my sister asked me if I could hand something to him. I said of course I can hand my baby the toy, meaning baby as a term of endearment. She snapped that he was not my baby, he was hers. I felt like shouting at her that I know he is hers and thanks for rubbing it in my face, even though I know that was not her intention. And then there are the friends with kids. You just have to love those well intending friends that say they can not go somewhere because they do not have a babysitter and you don't understand because you don't have children. Thank you very much for the reminder, I forgot that I do not have kids.

Anyways, sorry for ranting about this, it has just been a very emotional week. I turned 31 this weekend. I am adopting from China and we submitted our paperwork last year when I turned 30. 5 years ago when we decided to adopt from China, we thought we would have the baby by the time I turned 31. Please know that the wait time to adopt from China has gone up to about 2.5 to 3 years. If an agency tells you anything different, they are not being truthful and you will want to find a new agency. Make sure you have a great support system during the wait because it is pure torture. Do not tell many people because they will ask you how the adoption is going everyday even though you tell them that your situation will not change until you get the referral because the only thing left is to wait.

On a side note, I know this is to much information, but does anyone else cry when you get your monthly visitor even though you know that you would not be pregnant? I am finding it more and more difficult every month even though we are adopting.

 

[JudyS]

I also just found this tonight and am not sure when I can get through the whole 40 pages to read everyones story (but I will someday). My story is a little complicated but I will try to keep it short. Lets just say my fiancee had cancer and I have PCOS. Together these have kept us childless. We plan on adopting (turned 30 last month) from China. But our families cant seem to understand to leave us alone. We havent discussed things with them (mostly because all the questions) and they keep asking "Why dont you two have kids yet?" ...

That can be very hard -- I remember getting questions like that. I suppose everyone has their own way of responding, but if I were in your shoes, I would probably be blunt and say, "We want kids but it doesn't look like we'll be able to have any of our own. I'd rather not get into all the details. We're hoping to adopt." Hopefully, that would stop a lot of the questions!

 

[JudyS]

A trip to Disney would be great, not that I have far to go since I live only 40 minutes from there. It is always nice to talk to other people that are in the same situation because I do not think people can understand the pain that we go through.

That would be great! I'm not sure when my next WDW trip will be (I usually do them last-minute) but maybe I can post here when I am getting ready to go, and perhaps meet you and some of the other people from this thread.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Hi ladies, welcome to all of the new ladies, we are glad to have you join our little group. I can certainly tell you that I know where you have been and are coming from. I read each of your stories and remember going through all of that. It really does get better, but I do still have my days and moments. In fact I had one a couple of nights ago.

I used to cry every month when AF came to visit, I would usually lay in the bathroom floor and cry myself almost to sleep. I did get really upset on night this week about this very thing, you probably read my post from that night.

We actually started going to Disney because of this. I remembered seeing a Ripley's Believe It or Not about some Fertility Statues from the Ivory Coast on Africa and I remember reading that they were in Orlando, so I decided I wanted to go touch them, and that is when I decided to make a trip to disney out of it. Also, I was hoping a trip to Disney would help take my mind off my suffering. I really hate to say my suffering, but my DH and my mom just haven't seemed to grasp onto the whole situation, so I feel like I have been through all of this by myself.

Janet, I probably will contact you, but unfortunately right now is not a great time, I am going through alot of stuff with my mom and her dealing with my grandmother's estate and her siblings suing her. I am also trying to buy my grandparents house, so I have alot of other things on my plate right now. As soon as this settles, maybe I will have more time to focus on me (it's about time)

I have considered adopting from Guatamala, because most other areas have alot more requirements, some even being weight issues, and I am over weight, but besides some seasonal allergies, I am relatively healthy.

Janet, I know what you mean about people being so insensitive. Luckily, my cousin lets me call her children mine with no problem and they know they are my babies and they know who loves them. They call me my Suzanne. My best friends children are also mine and they call me Auntie Suzanne and that really does help with the pain sometimes. Those 5 children are a part of my heart.

I have this fear that by the time life settles I will be too old to have a baby or to adopt, and I don't know what to do about it. Life never seems to stop for me. There is always some issue with someone else that has to be taken care of before I get my turn, then something else comes up with someone else. It is just a vicious circle.

Well, being addicted to Disney has helped me alot and having this wonderful group of ladies has done wonders also. When I get to WDW I just forget about all other problems and lose myself in the magic. After our trip in December 2006, we weren't going to go back until December 2008, but so far I have been back 2 more times with 2 more trips planned before December 2008. I think it may be because Disney is a sure thing and trying to have a baby isn't.

On a lighter note, I played hookey from work today . Actually I didn't feel very good, so I called in sick. I have never done that before. We have moved from one office to another recently and I have been having some trouble with my left eye watering and I think it is because of the vents, well Wednesday morning while I was showering I got shampoo in my eye and I was really irritated, then yesterday I was irritated and red and there was a knot forming on it. By the time I got home last night my eye was really swollen and much redder. This morning when I got up, it was almost swollen shut. I mashed on it and this yucky crude came out and now it is better. I decided after calling in, I would come up and stay at my mom's house, then I called a friend at work about 2:00 to let her know I wasn't coming in, right after I hung up I felt something stick me in the right leg and looked down and there was a wasp caught in my nightgown. I ended up getting stung in the thight and the right thumb, luckily I am not allergic to them.

I better get back to paying bills, cause some of them are already a day late.

Suzanne

 

[hematite153]

Welcome Judy and AutumnKlassic!

Suzanne, I'm glad you had a fun trip even if it had bumps along the way.

I think that we are getting ready to move ahead with IVF. It seems like so much money to pay (especially when I'm a full-time student!) when it doesn't come with any guarantees. But, I think I'd have a hard time forgiving myself for not trying. After all, although money can have power in our society it is still only money and definitely worth less than a child.

Suzanne and others, I definitely understand both the joy and difficulties of adoption. My mother was adopted; found her biological family in her 50s and now has full-siblings. There are many stories in my family of both adopted children and children given up for adoption. I have seen the joy of raising an adopted child up close; I have seen my grandparents' revel in their love for my mother. I have seen birth mothers grieve continuously for the child they gave up, even though they still believe they made the right decision. I have experienced my mother's pain because she cannot shake the belief that she must be flawed (and that those flaws must have been obvious when she was an infant) in order for her birth parents to have given her up. Despite all of the current literature to the contrary, knowing that she was adopted and loved all of her life did not counteract this common baggage of adoption.

I have such mixed feelings about what all of this means for me. On the one hand, I think that it means I would have a tough time adopting. My DW has issues with adopting a child of another race or culture because she worries about what it means for a child to lose the culture of their birth. I am less concerned with this because I believe that a child available for adoption to our family will have a better life (and better access to cultural education if we facilitate it) with us than in an orphanage. Of course, the majority of countries with children available for international adoption won't allow us to adopt. And, local adoption gets trickier after my DW turns 40 in 2009. When I start reading stories about children waiting for homes, I get caught by the plight of the slightly older kids, but I still want a younger child.

I think that in an ideal world, I would have my own biological (either mine or DW's) children and then also open my home to foster children at some point in the future.

Suzanne, I found a site in the US with information about children waiting for adoption (generally a bit older than infants). There were several children listed in AL. You sounded serious about wanting the two children of your relative's niece. Why not look into whether there is a different child who would be thrilled to find a home with you? (Btw, this is mostly posed as a question to get you thinking, rather than an expectation of immediate movement--I realize that you are going to have to wait awhile before you could proceed with this.)

Thank you to all of you who have been willing to share your experiences, joys and sorrows. It is good to know that some people have found their way out of this pit and to know that others share it--even if I wish you didn't have to.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Welcome Judy and AutumnKlassic!

Suzanne, I'm glad you had a fun trip even if it had bumps along the way.

I think that we are getting ready to move ahead with IVF. It seems like so much money to pay (especially when I'm a full-time student!) when it doesn't come with any guarantees. But, I think I'd have a hard time forgiving myself for not trying. After all, although money can have power in our society it is still only money and definitely worth less than a child.

Suzanne and others, I definitely understand both the joy and difficulties of adoption. My mother was adopted; found her biological family in her 50s and now has full-siblings. There are many stories in my family of both adopted children and children given up for adoption. I have seen the joy of raising an adopted child up close; I have seen my grandparents' revel in their love for my mother. I have seen birth mothers grieve continuously for the child they gave up, even though they still believe they made the right decision. I have experienced my mother's pain because she cannot shake the belief that she must be flawed (and that those flaws must have been obvious when she was an infant) in order for her birth parents to have given her up. Despite all of the current literature to the contrary, knowing that she was adopted and loved all of her life did not counteract this common baggage of adoption.

I have such mixed feelings about what all of this means for me. On the one hand, I think that it means I would have a tough time adopting. My DW has issues with adopting a child of another race or culture because she worries about what it means for a child to lose the culture of their birth. I am less concerned with this because I believe that a child available for adoption to our family will have a better life (and better access to cultural education if we facilitate it) with us than in an orphanage. Of course, the majority of countries with children available for international adoption won't allow us to adopt. And, local adoption gets trickier after my DW turns 40 in 2009. When I start reading stories about children waiting for homes, I get caught by the plight of the slightly older kids, but I still want a younger child.

I think that in an ideal world, I would have my own biological (either mine or DW's) children and then also open my home to foster children at some point in the future.

Suzanne, I found a site in the US with information about children waiting for adoption (generally a bit older than infants). There were several children listed in AL. You sounded serious about wanting the two children of your relative's niece. Why not look into whether there is a different child who would be thrilled to find a home with you? (Btw, this is mostly posed as a question to get you thinking, rather than an expectation of immediate movement--I realize that you are going to have to wait awhile before you could proceed with this.)

Thank you to all of you who have been willing to share your experiences, joys and sorrows. It is good to know that some people have found their way out of this pit and to know that others share it--even if I wish you didn't have to.

Thank you, I too know the plight of adoption. I have a cousin that was adopted at birth and the story behind his adoption made me weary to adopt. Also, he has had alot of problems related to the drugs his mother did during her pregnancy. He was much older when he was told that he was adopted and I think it caused alot of additional problems.

You know there was a time when babaies were automatically taken away from their mother if she was a drug addict, but they seem to have moved away from that and that is one thing I don't understand. I don't understand not taking babies away from a mother that is mentally 2-5 years old either, especially if there someone that can givm them a better life.

I haven't considered adopting from the state because there aren't babies available and I really want a baby. That would be the only opportunity for me to do whatever I do, so I really want a baby. I know there are alot of older children that need homes, but so many of them come with emotional baggage, and many of the younger children have severe mental/developmental disabilities and need a mother that can stay at home with them and I cannot be that mother. I am the primary breadwinner in our home, and we can't manage without my income which is also much more stable than DH's. I also have health and life insurance and short and long term disability that my husband's job just doesn't provide.

I have been so preoccupied with everything else that is going on, I haven't looked at the AL site recently.

It really isn't fair that you aren't able to adopt from other countries, especially since these children would be better off in a loving home than in an orphanage. I do know that at least one country would not let me adopt because of my weight. I hope one day that descrimination is all in the past. The only place they should descriminate is against people that abuse children.


I don't know what I will do. I do need to find a solution, so I can move on. I feel like I am trapped in a moment with all other parts of my life moving forward. It is a weird feeling.

I just really want to thank everybody for bing so supportive and not judging me for my opinion

Suzanne

 

[R Dog Walt]

Mostly lurking lately ladies, but thought I'd chime in...

Hematite- I just want to wish you luck in whatever you decide. If you do settle on IVF, feel free to PM me with any questions. I know it's a big financial decision. I just know we will be totally broke for at least 5 years because DP and I will both have to work, and we're still paying off the HELOC that we took out to afford the IVF cycles. Nevertheless, I do wish you and your DW the best of luck.

Suzanne- I hope you are able to come to peace with whatever you decide. I know that adoption is a big decision, and not everyone is comfortable with adoption. That's okay. For legal reasons, we said adoption was the last step and luckily (and hopefully), we won't get to that step. I also know that it's hard to make any decisions when you have lots of other stressors in your life. I hope things settle down for you.

I will say that my dad had a wonderful experience as an adopted child. He was adopted at 6 months old (I guess he was in a foster placement before that?). He could not love his parents any more if they were his biological parents. My dad did also meet his birthmother (and 3 siblings) in his 50s and for the most part that has been a positive (although kind of weird) experience. He never really wanted to meet them, but ultimately he did to find out medical information for us kids.

To everyone else, good luck with the journey. I know it's not easy.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Okay, where is everybody. I found our thread getting close to the bottom of the forum. I know you can't all be gone to WDW, or did you all just leave me out on a secret group trip?

No, seriously, Hope everybody is having a great Monday, Just a normal blah one for me, thank you. I got sick last week, the changes in weather just hit me wrong. I usually get sick about this time of year due to the changes in allergens. I am glad the temperatures aren't getting as high as usual. I felt really bad on Saturday, but that is the only day I have to run errands, so mom and I were going to Kohl's because I want some new bath towels to use after I finish painting the bathroom (I have never had matching sets before), well I let her drive because I didn't feel like it and we were just about to start moving and felt a bump to the back end of my car, so I jump and the guy behind us said "It wasn't me, it was the person behind me", sure enogh, she hit him hard enough that it pushed him into us. Well, I was really mad, but I did keep my cool and immediately called the police. Thank goodness there was no damage to my car.

I spent Sunday doing laundry and sitting in my recliner watching the Disney marathon on the Travel Channel. Can't wait until December.

Okay, who is going in December and what are your dates?

Suzanne

 

[want2bamommy]

Okay, where is everybody. I found our thread getting close to the bottom of the forum. I know you can't all be gone to WDW, or did you all just leave me out on a secret group trip?

Okay, who is going in December and what are your dates?

Suzanne

Hi, Suzanne! I apologize for not being around. I have a pretty important update and just haven't come to post it here. I have decided to have Weight Loss Surgery and in two weeks DH and I are going to attend the seminar about it. I am still unsure of which WLS I am going to have but I did want to have the Lap Band Surgery. My insurance won't cover any of it though so depending on what happens at the seminar I mave have the traditional Gastric Bypass. The recovery period is quite a bit longer but I would pay $0 for it.

So, this leaves us having to go on hold for 2 years as they want you to wait 18-24 months after the surgery to get pregnant. It is something that I NEVER in a million years thought I would ever do but after losing more than 40 pounds (with a BUNCH more to lose) and gaining it back in 2 1/2 MONTHS I realize that I will never be able to lose all my weight on my own (and keep it off) and it is most likely the reason I am not getting pregnant again.

I will try to swoop by every now and again to see updates on all of you.

I hope you are feeling better!

Missie