Cheating spouse?

[Chicago526]

Now, it's about him 'social networking' whatever that is.

Social networking is the term used to describe what people are doing on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, etc. They are connecting with both people they already know or have met online via one of these types of websites. Some people get way too wraped up into their online "life" to the point that they ignore the real world. Sort of like an addiction.

 

[sbell111]

Social networking is the term used to describe what people are doing on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, etc. They are connecting with both people they already know or have met online via one of these types of websites. Some people get way too wraped up into their online "life" to the point that they ignore the real world. Sort of like an addiction.

I don't see how that, in and of itself, as anything bad. My wife's on facebook and has begged me to do so.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Have some imagination, man, of course it can be bad! A friend of mine's exDH 'friended' an ex on Facebook. Of course now he's living with her. Of course FB isn't evil. Its a tool that can be used to do naughty things, though, like hoook up with old high school girlfriends or hot co-workers.

 

[beattyfamily]

I know a few who have had affairs from 'reconnecting' with an old flame on Myspace or Facebook. One very close person.

There was a whole story about it on Dr. Phil as well.

 

[daisax]

I agree with those who are concerned that you're letting him call all the shots here, waiting for HIM to decide for your whether your marriage will continue.

However, while you're waiting, I would suggest a very thorough medical exam and bloodwork to rule out any "gifts" he may have brought home to you. Or for proof later that you were clear as of such and such a date, so he can't claim that YOU were the one cheating who infected HIM. Which is apparently pretty common with cheaters.

 

[bumbershoot]

I am back for an update. My suspicions were partly correct! He has been leading a second life in relation to social networking and he says he still loves me but as a 'sister' and hates himself for what he has done. He is adament he has not 'cheated' on me as such, although the opportunity has been there on more than one occasion. At the moment he doesn't know what to do and I am supporting him as much as I can, but need him to know how much I really want to get our marriage back on track, but I am trying not too pressurize him as think it may push him away. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and he says that if he leaves to get space it will seem so final and he isn't ready to make any rash decisions.

So thats where I am at.

While there was no infidelity, my then-fiance betrayed me to some extent, and the ONLY way we found our way back together was that he moved out. I have no clue how people can find their way back while doing the day to day junk that living together entails. Honestly, I'd send him away while he works on his head. If he goes to the person he's thinking of cheating with, then it was always over. If he goes to an old friend's (true friend, not cheating friend) or his parent's or even just to a hotel, then there's more hope.

Note - if you snoop and the spouse is innocent, you will destroy the trust in your relationship. If my wife thought that I was cheating and snooped on me, I would feel betrayed...

I'm really glad my husband doesn't feel like that. If he had felt like that as we were finding our way back, I would have ended the relationship. My husband is an open book and I am allowed to ask ANY question and expect an answer (and vice versa).

Just filing for divorce on an assumption that what they wondered was true, now THAT could destroy something. But trying to get info before confronting, that's not worth freaking out about.

If this is his or her immediate response, they are just buying time to think up a good story...

But, see, it sounds like you would say JUST that, if your wife had "snooped" then talked to you...

I believe a marriage should operate under 'sunshine laws'....

I believe any traipsing off into the shadows is suspect....

Awesome! Love the way you put that.

Have some imagination, man, of course it can be bad! A friend of mine's exDH 'friended' an ex on Facebook. Of course now he's living with her. Of course FB isn't evil. Its a tool that can be used to do naughty things, though, like hoook up with old high school girlfriends or hot co-workers.

FB conversations can blur boundaries, that's for sure!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I'm really glad my husband doesn't feel like that. If he had felt like that as we were finding our way back, I would have ended the relationship. My husband is an open book and I am allowed to ask ANY question and expect an answer (and vice versa)...

My wife and I have a relationship envied by every other couple that we know, so try to ease up on the condescension. You make yourself look like a fool.

My wife and I discuss everything. But we do not spy on one another. I have never looked in her handbag, nor will I ever. Same for her in my computer bag or wallet. Spying is for those who do not have good relationships with their spouses...

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Why? I don't get it. I don't care if my DH goes into my purse for some reason. He needs to get a cc out of my wallet, take a couple of bucks, whatever. I go in to his wallet if I need something. I don't ask. I wouldn't expect him to ask me, either. I wouldn't think anything of using his computer or looking at his history (its one way I troll for birthday and Christmas present ideas, to check his browsing history and see what he's been looking at online. That's what lead me to surprise him with a kyak last year). If there's total trust and openness there, why the secret spaces that your partner can't breach?

 

[Disney Doll]

My wife and I have a relationship envied by every other couple that we know, so try to ease up on the condescension. You make yourself look like a fool....

I've known a lot of couples like that. Most of them are divorced now.

You might also take your own advice about condescension...

OP, I wish you the best as you figure this out.
Protect yourself. If you have children, do what you have to do to protect them as well, especially financially.

You now have knowledge that your husband is not who might have thought he was. Prepare as if you were dealing with a stranger, because, in effect, you are.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...If there's total trust and openness there, why the secret spaces that your partner can't breach?

It is called respecting the other person's individuality and privacy...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I've known a lot of couples like that. Most of them are divorced now...

20+ years and the every year better than the last. What are you doing? Wishing bad things on me?

There are some seriously twisted people on this board...

 

[Disney Doll]

20+ years and the every year better than the last. What are you doing? Wishing bad things on me?

There are some seriously twisted people on this board...

Twisted???

Oh 'Bama, if only you knew how totally silly of a statement that was in reference to me. Realistically, I wouldn't wish bad things on anyone, least of all some guy on the Internet who has no effect on my life whatsoever.

Just sharing my experiences with people who appear to be the perfect couple. I am certainly glad to hear that you & your wife are obviously different...it does this old romantic's heart good to know that I am not the only 15+ years married person to have a happy relationship.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...it does this old romantic's heart good to know that I am not the only 15+ years married person to have a happy relationship.

Glad to hear it. That post sounded - wrong ?

My wife and I are not a typical couple. We have maintained our individuality while developing an intensely strong family bond. We do not have to deal with the typical marital BS. It amazes me that some of our friends even bother to stay married, so pained are their coexistences...

Live, love and be loved. Nothing else matters...

 

[LuvOrlando]

Loves you like a sister! What?!? If that ain't a low blow I don't know what is. First off, don't let him put this off on you because that's exactly what his comment sounds like to me. He's turning the tables to make you feel inadequate when in reality its his own low self esteem that's the problem here, not your lack of un-sisterlyness. Sheesh, where do guys get this manure from? You would think they would have upgraded the lines from high school by adulthood. The truth is he is being selfish and childish and made some disrespectful decisions. IT WOULD have been respectful to say its over ahead of time, before trolling for someone else ESPECIALLY at work, where you have to go every day too, this is low, really low. What did you say when he said that to you?


Similar story:
My DH came home from work the other day telling me about this consultant/ co-worker who is paying footsy at work with someone related to the Casanova's job. This winner has 2 young kids (3 & 1) at home and a very nice wife we all met during Christmas parties, she was pretty, sweet and bubbly. Turns out, not only has everyone at work noticed the budding affair but the entire group explored the issue IN FRONT OF THE BOSS at lunch the other day because the guys work is suffering and he's messing up, they talked about his work and the undignified sneaking around. The next day my DH's boss told this guy she doesn't care what he does privately but he's blowing things at work and his 'friend' could not only get in trouble because of conflicting interest here but seems to be thinking along the lines of a new life together. THis winner swore it never went over the line but, really, who knows other than those 2. In the end the boss told him, point blank "I'd hate to see 2 entire careers destroyed over this". The boss did him a solid by warning him before throwing it up the ladder but who knows what will happen now. What a mess.

I know this sounds callous but regardless of the outcome, in your situation I think this could work to your benefit career wise. As long as you take the high road, at least at work, everyone around you will see you as the victim and support you. Don't blow that little social edge. No matter what happens with you and that guy, having the sympathy of the women around you, peers and bosses, and their wives when male (we've all had hearts broken by cheaters), could go a loooong way in the future. If there is any one thing in life that unites most women, its our disgust with a cheater... even women who have themselves been the other woman will bristle over a man who cheats... I don't know why, its just the way it is. Remember the saying, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

LuvOrlando, if I told you the tales of my DH's work you would swear you are watching High School Musical along with the Dallas, Knot's Landing and MTV's Big Brother, with a dash of Housewives of Atlanta and a spritz of Flavor of Love, cooked in a pot from Kate's house.

Oh and a dash of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Loves you like a sister! What?!? If that ain't a low blow I don't know what is...

Depends - maybe he is into that sort of thing.

Just trying to lighten the mood...

 

[KiKi Mouse]

"love you like a sister"?

ugh.

That's his passive way of saying he doesn't love you and doesn't have the b*lls to deal with issues. Instead he has turne the tables so that the decision is yours.

If I were you I would keep on sleeping in separate bedrooms.
Your "brother" can now cook his own meals and do his own laundry etc. as you figure out what you are going to do since it seems like he isn't going to own up to anything.

 

[madtraveller]

Well as for the sister comment he says we get on great day to day, I am a great cook and we have had great vacations and our lifestyle is everything he wants ie latest gadgets and a comfortable house, but he no longer sees that we can do other things together as he sees me as a sister. Also there are little annoying things that he says have mounted up causing friction for him and he has bottled these up.

I have asked about other 'issues' and perhaps we have got into a cycle of not saying anything, me for fear of rejection if I say things. He says he wishes I was more dominant in certain areas of our life, and I haven't been hence he has 'wandered' off elsewhere as I could not give him what he needed, but that is not the whole truth had I known then I would of adapted my style, but alot of the time shift work and overtime plus day to day matters have put pay to special times together!

So another update as this is a family board without being too graphic.

 

[sbell111]

He needs someone to slap him in the back of the head.

In my opinion, you should insist on a choice between counseling and divorce, if having him as roomie with benefits isn't acceptable to you.

 

[Serena]

He needs someone to slap him in the back of the head.

In my opinion, you should insist on a choice between counseling and divorce, if having him as roomie with benefits isn't acceptable to you.

I agree.


Don't you dare take what he is saying to heart. Do not put this on yourself. You didn't say what else he was saying, but I get the jist of it. He's a boy pretending to be a man. You do not need that crap, tell him to shovel it somewhere else, you are not taking it.