Cheating spouse?

[DisneyBlonde]

If I had proof that my spouse was cheating, I would not be able to forgive and forget, and that would take it's toll and eventually end the relationship. There are many things I can compromise on, there are many issues I would work through. I'm very big on counseling. But cheating is not one of the things I could ever accept.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If my husband said, you better not have your eyes open, you better not question me, and tryed to use that kind of control and guilt to cover his tracks... I wouldn't have to snoop. I would not be in relationship with a person like that.

How awful...

How controlling and self-righteous to say that 'unless you find a pair of sexy woman's undies in my pocket, you have NO right to question'...

That is just warped.

Ummmm, HELLO, finding a pair of women's undies in a man's pocket is like the LAST sign of infidelity.
A woman would have to be blind, deaf, dumb, and stupid to wait for that before opening her eyes.

OP, I am not so sure what information you have...
What evidence of personal gifts, etc....
But, if you have compelling evidence... Then, by all means...
I would, in a heartbeat, do a bit of snooping...
As others have posted...
You need to protect yourself financially, physically, emotionally...

Any woman who is not completely naive should know to beware of any line that begins with "If you loved me, you would / would not....."
And, even worse yet is the old cliche..... "TRUST ME....."

Don't buy excuses and the guilt trips...
Look for FACTS.

As the old adage goes..... 'Trust, but verify.'

My best wishes that this all works out well!

 

[terri01p]

No women wants to think of their partner as a cheater, so if you have a gut feeling, I would say that gut feeling is correct.
How many times though the years has a person said "I think my spouse is cheating" and then come back later and say " wow, do I ever feel stupid, I was totally wrong " ????
Go with your gut !

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If my husband said, you better not have your eyes open, you better not question me, and tryed to use that kind of control and guilt to cover his tracks... I wouldn't have to snoop. I would not be in relationship with a person like that.

How awful...

How controlling and self-righteous to say that 'unless you find a pair of sexy woman's undies in my pocket, you have NO right to question'... ...

If that is what you got out of my posts, you had better work on your reading comprehension.

 

[madtraveller]

Thank you for all the comments, just about to eat but not feeling hungry!

Think I may get a voice activated recorder and leave it in the bedroom incase of visitors!

 

[Chancedabowsa]

A wife as a right to snoop. Any guy cheating should be more careful not to get caught.

I'd assume if you caught him cheating. You have a cheater on your hands as well as a dumb *** . 2 strikes. I believe in 3 strikes. He's got one strike left. Since , he is a dumb ***, you better take him out to dinner, explain his first 2 strikes / infractions. Make it clear that strike 3 will be it. After you communicate this, be sure and live up to it.

Involve counselors or anything else you think will help. (Assuming you want to). If you don't want to salvage this, just pack a few clothes and leave. Book a hotel room for a week. Think about it all that week and figure out what you really want to do.

 

[madtraveller]

I know the old saying 'the grass is greener on the other side' and I truely want to salvage our marriage if I can and he is willing to try, as we have been together over 10 years. So next weekend neither of us are on call so I shall do something special and whip his ****, perhaps he has been missing that from me recently!

Luckily have a great friend at work who I have now confided in so feel better for that.

Just hope I can survive til next weekend.

Although we have no kids have furbabies to think about

 

[Disney Doll]

But if you start from a position of believing that he is guilty and he is not, you have already destroyed the trust in your marriage. Then you might as well have been cheating on him...

That is very interesting reasoning that I don't happen to agree with.

Sounds kind of like the type of thing a cheating person would say to throw their spouse off the track.

 

[Jewel1310]

Good luck to you. I have to admit I am in the camp that says if he is cheating end it. I had suspicions for years and when confronted a few times I had the table turned and I was the evil one for not trusting or if I hadn't done x, y, or z things wouldn't have happened. I am now going through a divorce because I finally said if you want a stupid wife go find someone else.

I didn't want to believe the facts that were there. In this day and age sleeping with someone who is sleeping around is not only them breaking trust it is them putting your health at risk.

I am very sorry and hope the best for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is very interesting reasoning that I don't happen to agree with.

Sounds kind of like the type of thing a cheating person would say to throw their spouse off the track.

I TOTALLY agree.

Once there is compelling evidence and doubt, it is NOT about whether the party believes in the guilt or not. It is about getting the FACTS. Period. Why should any spouse have any territory that is off-limits and that access by their partner is off limits... Why should anything be considered snooping. Sorry, the very fact that one would set things up in secret and consider any access by their spouse as 'snooping' leads me to suspect guilt. Big time.

I believe a marriage should operate under 'sunshine laws'....

I believe any traipsing off into the shadows is suspect....

Whether it is infidelity, or any other personal issue. It just isn't right. And it indicates some kind of 'issues' in the marriage/relationship.

The whole "if you loved me you would...." or, as I said before, even worse 'trust me...' are just BS.
IMHO, either one is the death knell of any open loving relationship.

 

[Serena]

I would need a whole lot more information before saying anything to this. There are too many unanswered questions.

Has there been problems?
For how long?
Why is she suspicious of him now?
What is the personal gift?
Why does she think it's not for her?
What makes her think there are feelings with the coworker? Are they returned?
Has he done this before?
What kind of guy is he normally?
Is he acting suspiciously? How so?

I am sorry, I know I am not too much help here, but you have gotten some really good advice to go with whatever is happening.

 

[madtraveller]

I am back for an update. My suspicions were partly correct! He has been leading a second life in relation to social networking and he says he still loves me but as a 'sister' and hates himself for what he has done. He is adament he has not 'cheated' on me as such, although the opportunity has been there on more than one occasion. At the moment he doesn't know what to do and I am supporting him as much as I can, but need him to know how much I really want to get our marriage back on track, but I am trying not too pressurize him as think it may push him away. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and he says that if he leaves to get space it will seem so final and he isn't ready to make any rash decisions.

So thats where I am at.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am back for an update. My suspicions were partly correct! He has been leading a second life in relation to social networking and he says he still loves me but as a 'sister' and hates himself for what he has done. He is adament he has not 'cheated' on me as such, although the opportunity has been there on more than one occasion. At the moment he doesn't know what to do and I am supporting him as much as I can, but need him to know how much I really want to get our marriage back on track, but I am trying not too pressurize him as think it may push him away. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and he says that if he leaves to get space it will seem so final and he isn't ready to make any rash decisions.

So thats where I am at.

I really have no advice or words of wisdom. It just jumped out at me that HE is "cheating" (at least emotionally) on YOU and yet You are "supporting HIM" Wow. Maybe that is what you need to do. I really don't know. But do please make sure you are taking care of yourself. Confide more in that friend if it helps. I do truly hope that you can work this out in whateevr way YOU want to put the pieces of your life back together. it seems to me that since he betrayed you, you should get to be the one to decide what YOU want to happen now.

One of the things that I said in my post was to expect a lie and determine a course of action to take if one was offered (or if some completely unbelievable version of events was offered).

But if you start from a position of believing that he is guilty and he is not, you have already destroyed the trust in your marriage. Then you might as well have been cheating on him...

If you are "expecting a lie" then aren't you already starting from a position of "believing he is guilty" The only difference I see is in your prefered way (ask but do not acuse and EXPECT a lie) YOU are not being honest with your partner about how you feel or what you think is going on or how you plan to react; whereas with the acusation at least their is honesty from the acuser about her feelings. Personally 9having never been there, done that so I don't really know how i would react of course) I think I would come at it from the angle of: this is what I have seen/heard. It worried me and made me think perhaps this/this and this are going on. So, I checked into X,Y and Z and found such and such. Now I suspect XXXX, but I am hoping there is some much better explanation I am not seeing please explain. See, to me that IS honesty and trust from me--I am asking for my partner's explanation but being honset about why his actions have caused e to suspect something.

 

[AlleyKat]

I am back for an update. My suspicions were partly correct! He has been leading a second life in relation to social networking and he says he still loves me but as a 'sister' and hates himself for what he has done. He is adament he has not 'cheated' on me as such, although the opportunity has been there on more than one occasion. At the moment he doesn't know what to do and I am supporting him as much as I can, but need him to know how much I really want to get our marriage back on track, but I am trying not too pressurize him as think it may push him away. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and he says that if he leaves to get space it will seem so final and he isn't ready to make any rash decisions.
So thats where I am at.

From what you've revealed, it appears the ball is in your court BUT you're waiting for him to make a move?!?!

He wants his cake and to eat it too. You're holding a plate and cake knife, waiting for him to tell you how big of a slice he wants!

 

[mickeyboat]

Have you gone to SI, yet? Take a look at the term "trickle truth."

Good luck - I hope you can make things work.

 

[dismom2005]

I am back for an update. My suspicions were partly correct! He has been leading a second life in relation to social networking and he says he still loves me but as a 'sister' and hates himself for what he has done. He is adament he has not 'cheated' on me as such, although the opportunity has been there on more than one occasion. At the moment he doesn't know what to do and I am supporting him as much as I can, but need him to know how much I really want to get our marriage back on track, but I am trying not too pressurize him as think it may push him away. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and he says that if he leaves to get space it will seem so final and he isn't ready to make any rash decisions.

So thats where I am at.

I am sorry to hear this. Unfortunately with the technology we have these days with cell phones, texting, facebook, etc...it just seems to add to the ease of affairs. I think this is how my H was able to keep the ball rolling on his. It started out as an emotional affair, which sounds like what your husband is telling you if he feels it's not actual "cheating" yet.

I know you don't want to pressure your husband but once the affair is outed, decisions have to be made. I wish you the best of luck, take care of yourself.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

From a man, he hasn't cheated yet. Men don't have the same emotional relationships that women do with or without sex. Assuming that he is telling the truth, he is just an ***. The problem, he is almost certainly going to cheat. I don't know of any men that went this far and didn't act out eventually. Temptation is something that we all need to avoid, and he is seeking it out.

I can't tell you that he will cheat with certainty, but if he keeps up the "social networking", he will. This is not innocent behavior, and it gets worse (like pornography). Men or women who start it have a hard time stopping.

His emotional ties to you, as his wife, are gone. You want them back. Not sure how to get there, but he is looking for something. Maybe you need to ask what he is looking for...

 

[lillygator]

I am so sorry to hear that...but I think the ball is in your court. Don't wait on him.

 

[Serena]

You have to decide what you want to do now. You are now aware of the situation as it is, you decide what you want to live with and go from there. Make sure your decision is something you can live with.

 

[sbell111]

I'm cornfused. I thought that this thread was about your husband buying someone a gift. Now, it's about him 'social networking' whatever that is.

If he did indeed buy someone an intimate gift, that was not appropriate and you need to deal with it, one way or the other.

If his social networking is him basically cruising the internet for chicks, that's not appropriate and you need to deal with it.

He needs to know that if he continues doing either of these things then all bets are off and you will get a divorce.

Perhaps couple's counseling will help the two of you learn to provide whatever it is that the other needs.