Cheating friend - WWYD?

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh,, sorry!!! Yes, you did clearly say it was your friend...
Same advice goes either way!!!

About pregnancy and STDs.
Here is from the CDC...

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Should pregnant women be tested for STDs?
Yes, STDs affect women of every socioeconomic and educational level, age, race, ethnicity, and religion. The CDC 2010 Sexually Transmitted Diseases Treatment Guidelines recommend that pregnant women be screened on their first prenatal visit for STDs which may include:
....
....
__________________________________________________

 

[LuvMickey36]

I have told. And I wish I was told when it was happening to me. It will be devastating for Susie. Hopefully they did STD testing as part of her pregnancy screenings because there could be trouble for the baby if she is carrying something from his activities.

This!!! Many others knew and said nothing. I have actually had "friends" tell me how sorry they felt for me since he talked about his exploits when I wasn't in the room etc. Really?? Then you should have told me!

 

[LuvOrlando]

If I remember correctly, they just did HIV testing as a normal part of pregnancy screenings when I was pregnant, I don't know if its a regional thing but I doubt it. The other stuff would probably show up during all the exams and if there is any evidence of trouble the baby would be delivered C-Section.

I would not tell someone myself, at most I would deliver an anonymous note. I would personally want to know but not all women are this way, I know of a few woman, one being my HS BFF, who actually stay with the guy and unload on the bearer of bad news as a gossip. A woman with blinders on will turn on anyone who unruffles her desire to believe. If she believes him you will always be marked as the person who upset a pregnant woman with lies and mean gossip.

 

[Christine]

I used to think "telling" was good but it backfired on me once and I've seen it happen time and again with others I know.

When I was in my very early 20s, I was friends with several other women overseas. We were all young and married. One of my friends went back home for a month and the whole time she was gone, her husband cheated. Her husband wasn't really a friend of mine. Someone she knew sort of let her know something was up and she came to me to confirm. I let her know that I saw some odd things and that I agreed with the other person.

She confronted her husband and he weasled out of it and she didn't speak to us for a LONG, LONG time. Things were very uncomfortable as we all had to live in the same building for years. She eventually "forgave" me and she's still married to the guy.

I have seen other people tell too and end up the same way.

I think when a woman catches her guy cheating and the evidence is right in from of her so there is NO denying it, it's easy for her to then say that she wishes people had told her. But it seems that when people tell her, the woman (and the cheater) find ways to deny it or rationalize it because they really DON'T want to see it. The "teller" ends up being the bad guy. Most people don't want to face up to cheating until they walk in on the act.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I gotta tell you, it is a very difficult position to be in.

I was in one a few years ago like your sister.

It entailed myself, my cousin and her boyfriend.

I made a choice to leave our friendship, I told my cousin that I was done lying to her boyfriend for her. If she really wasn't happy, then she should just break up with him (his parents had alot of money) which is really why she stayed with him and had her fun with many other men.

I wasn't sure this was going on until I moved in with her for a few months. Then it became very uncomfortable and she asked me to lie for her. Because she was my cousin I did this until her boyfriend whom I was good friends with as well, asked me why she was getting sick all the time and should he be worried because she freaked out one day when he asked her if he could just make a call using her phone.

I said to him that I didn't know and he should just ask her. Our friendship went downhill after that. I moved out and stopped hanging out with them because I could not continue to lie, it still eats at me to this day because I feel he should know what is going on. She was NEVER faithful at all to him.

I think about it from time to time when I see them out or heard about this vacation he took her on. It's really a sad state of affairs.

But I say just let them figure it out for themselves or send her a letter from another town. That way it can't be traced to her. I almost did that, I still have it in my car, stamped and everything.

 

[FredinFL]

If it was my sister being cheated on and I had proof my BIL was doing the cheating, then I might (and I said might) say something to her. And even then, I'm still not sure that I would get involved at all because...

It's

none

of

my

business.

I swear I just don't get why people have such a hard time figuring out what is their business and what's not their business. If it doesn't directly have a detrimental affect (and I'm not talking about "Oh, it bothers me") on your kids, your husband or yourself, then butt out.

Friend Bob is cheating you out of money. Your business.
Friend Bob is beating up your kids. Your business.
Friend Bob is cheating on his wife. None of your business.

We may not always agree, but you crack me the heck up. ITA here btw.

 

[shortbun]

My father abandoned friendships with men who were cheaters. I totally respect him for that. That said, I would NOT tell the woman or the man who was being cheated on. Maybe it could be done anonymously. Do you REALLY think she doesn't know? Some women/men don't 'want to know.' Could be Bob will straighten up but it's doubtful. Don't jeopardize a friendship, the teller often loses in this situation. Anonymous is the way to go.

 

[dngnb8]

I have a friend Bob. He has a g/f Susie


Apparently, Susie isnt a friend of mine so I stand pat.


Now, if Bob AND Susie are both Friends of mine, they know I wont lie to either if asked about things.....

thus, if I know, and I am asked, I will tell.

 

[punkin]

I think when a woman catches her guy cheating and the evidence is right in from of her so there is NO denying it, it's easy for her to then say that she wishes people had told her. But it seems that when people tell her, the woman (and the cheater) find ways to deny it or rationalize it because they really DON'T want to see it. The "teller" ends up being the bad guy. Most people don't want to face up to cheating until they walk in on the act.

This has always been true in my experience as well.

 

[Disney Doll]

Mickeyistheman, I did the same thing. I had a friend whose husband was cheating. I knew it, I had seen it with my own 2 eyes. I also knew that she would probably turn on me, or at the least be embarrassed and it would "color" our friendship if I told her.

So I wrote an anonymous note and mailed it from the town where her husband worked. I wrote the note as if it were from someone that he worked with. I started the note with "For obvious reasons, I must do this anonymously. I work with your husband Name and ...." I put the name in so whe would be sure that the right person had received the letter. I gave her enough information so she could follow him and figure it out herself. I ended the note with "You might wonder why I am taking the time to do this. It's because I have been on the receiving end of a cheater and I wish someone had done it for me". Thus, it made it believeable. And it was all true, except for the working with her husband part. I figured then she would know and it would be her decision as to what to do and she could make the decision without worrying that someone she was close friends with would think she was an idiot if she chose to stay with him. Because truly, once I gave her the information, my feeling was that the choice of what to do was hers. And I didn't want her to feel like she HAD TO divorce to "save face" among her friends if, for some reason, she didn't want to divorce or couldn't divorce.

They divorced.

 

[Andtototoo]

I used to think "telling" was good but it backfired on me once and I've seen it happen time and again with others I know.


I have seen other people tell too and end up the same way.

.

I guess the question is what is more important:

Doing the right thing?
Or doing what's convenient/easier for you?

 

[dislaney]

MYOB

I also have lost friendships over telling a "friend" that someone was cheating on her. She's still with him!

 

[nathalee81]

No one should tell the woman, unless they are fully prepared to have that
"drama" in their own lives.

My husband and I were dragged into a situation and it caused a lot of strife and stress in OUR lives. We were asked by a friend to help her leave her husband, as he was having a long term affair. We did NOT go to her, she came to us. The husband came back one week later, and she cut us off. Completely. She now tells people we are angry at HER and we don't speak to her anymore, and she doesn't know why (she has told very few people about the affair, so most don't know anything). So, we tried to help, she cut us off and, on top of that, we look like heartless jerks. Oh yeah, and the husband hates us, too-because, of course, she told him about our involvement and trying to help her.

Basically, instead of taking out all her anger and hurt on her husband, she chose to take it on us-the people who were trying to help her.

This situation brought drama and stress into my marriage-and it just wasn't worth it. My marriage is the most important thing in my life and it is the only one that concerns me. We live a pretty drama free life, and we like it that way.

I sincerely hope that this baby is born healthy and the woman has an uncomplicated pregnancy. I also hope, for her sake and the child's, the man is serious about forsaking his "extracurricular" activities and focusing on his wife and child.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I would stay out of it and distance myself from the cheater.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess the question is what is more important:

Doing the right thing?
Or doing what's convenient/easier for you?

The right thing to do is to stay the heck out of people's private affairs. (pun intended)

Now if they come to you and beg you to be honest with them, then OK, now you are in a position of choosing to do the right thing.

In this situation the man has stated that he plans to make a go of it because his SO is pregnant.

To go in and destroy that is cruel. People should have spoken up in the beginning when he was first cheating on her. Even more cruel. Poor gal has crappy friends.

 

[chattyann]

I can only speak for myself, but if I was Susie, I would hope that someone would let me know. It could be anonymously or not. I have a feeling that Bob will go back to his cheating ways once the newness of the baby wears off. I hope I am wrong but I have seen this happen before. Even if he hasn't given her any disease yet, it could happen in the future. What if he contracted a deadly disease and then passed it to Susie later on after the baby? How awful it would be for the child to lose their mother when it possibly could have been prevented, by someone who could have clued her in.
Not to mention the fact that I would be extremely hurt if a friend knew and didn't somehow let me know.

 

[cassandrap83]

It is not even remotely your business, let alone your sister's. Stay the heck out of it. It is not your place at all.

 

[Christine]

I guess the question is what is more important:

Doing the right thing?
Or doing what's convenient/easier for you?

Doing the right thing is definitely more important to me. And if she "believed" me and worked on her marriage yet stopped talking to me, I'd feel like it was worth it. But to confirm the truth to her, have her tell us we "just don't like her husband" and then continue on, well, it wasn't worth it.

 

[Art 1]

This is my sister's friend. I don't know any of the people involved. This situation has been bothering me since she told me about it and I'd like to hear your opinions on this.

You have a friend, let's call him "Bob". Bob has a girlfriend "Susie". Bob cheats on Susie multiple times with various partners while they are together. Susie doesn't know. After they've been together for a while, Bob and Susie decide to get married. Bob continues to cheat on his soon to be wife, Susie. Then Susie finds out she's pregnant. He decides to stop cheating because of this.

After you question him about it, he tells you he isn't going to tell Susie about his cheating because "she is emotional and dealing with a lot because of her pregnancy", he "hasn't cheated in 6 months", and he "doesn't want to ruin their 'happy family'".

I told my sister that she needs to push him to tell Susie or tell Susie herself (If I put myself in Susie's shoes, I would want to know.), but she doesn't feel like it's her business to tell and feels that it should come from him.

What would you do?

Nothing.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would stay out of it. If i was your sister I would drop him like a rock, he is not a nice guy and certainly not a good friend. I bet that Susie may have indications that he is a cheater and has chosen not to see.

My first husband had a friend who was a raging cheater. His wife said she did not know and that she wished people had told her that he was seeing other women but that was after they divorced. Before the divorce she was his biggest champion, even when he was gone more than he was home. There was no way she was ready to hear the truth about him on anyone elses timeframe. When she "discovered" the cheating was when she was ready to dump him. I htink that the reason she was angry others kept out of their affairs was that seh was embarrassed that she did not act sooner but I figure she had a right to decide when to leave him. If people did the "right thing" and forced her to see what he was she would have had to take a stand. Keep him and get mad at her friends or leave him and get mad at

Now my husband liked him as he was a childhood friend but I thought he was creep and avoided him at all costs