Charging rent

[merrily]

I recently learned from my son's friend that her mother plans to start charging her rent on the day she turns 18 (next month). This young woman is still in high school. High school has been very difficult for her and she has had truancy issues in the past that resulted in a short term out of home placement via the court system. Since then, she has been attending school regularly. While she is not the greatest student, she is passing and doing okay. She does work a part time job but often does not get many hours. She pays for her own phone, clothing, pet care. Her mother has also expected her to pay for things such as electric bills or water bills. I feel I need to mention that her family (whom I have never met) seem to be either lower income or poor money managers. They recently declared bankruptcy to avoid home foreclosure. Mom does not work and her daughter says she refuses to get a job that pays less than a certain $ amount.

I really do not agree with this family and their decision to charge their daughter rent. I am really worried that she will drop out of school now (she is a senior and the drop out age in NH is 18). I'm not asking what people think I should do because really, I don't know this young woman very well. I just wondered if others thought the parents are wrong in charging rent to their still in high school daughter.

 

[golfgal]

Is it "wrong", probably not, is it something I would do, no, unless they dropped out of school or didn't go on to college after high school. I know some parents that charge "rent" to kids even younger than that but do so for money management experience. They are putting away the 'rent' for later (college or down payment money for their first home). In this girl's situation it may cause her to drop out of school and it may not. If they need the money, they need the money. Not every parent is nurturing, unfortunately, and they see their kids more as a burden.

 

[sunnyday123]

In this particular situation, I'd say yes. But maybe they aren't going to charge her much, or she doesn't help out at all at home and this is their way of making her help.

However, if Mom won't work because she's waiting to become the CEO of Baby Phat and everything else is below her, she needs to get up off her keister and jet a job. MickeyD's is always hiring. I have a really big issue with people who won't work to help themselves out of a sticky situation and want others to hand things over to them.

 

[Acklander]

I don't think it makes a difference either way. If the only reason why she'd drop out of school is so she can pay rent to her parents, then she probably wasn't motivated to stay in school anyways. KWIM? As far as her parents having to file bankruptcy to save their home or why the mom does or doesn't work - So what? Lots of families are going through tough times and jobs are hard to find, so I wouldn't concern myself with that either. You say you're not close to the family so you probably don't know the dynamics or why they're making the decisions they're making and it doesn't necessarily mean they're bad parents.
Honestly, families make tons of decisions that I may not agree with, but that doesn't mean that they're wrong, just that they have different priorities or values or whatever.

 

[Colleen27]

In that situation, I do think it is wrong simply because it sounds like it is pushing a young woman who is at a turning point in the direction of worrying about right now at the expense of her future. It sounds like she already has quite a few financial responsibilities for someone her age, and adding more seems like it could leave her feeling like her part-time income won't be enough for her to have a roof over her head and still care for her pet(s), keep her phone, etc. And particularly since she struggles in school, her parents should be doing everything they can to encourage her graduate rather than adding reasons for her to drop out and work a menial job to improve their situation.

Do you know if maybe the family receives some sort of income they'll be losing when the daughter becomes an adult? Welfare, child support, even the tax credits that expire at 18? They might be counting on something that is going away when she becomes an adult and looking to her to make up the difference.

 

[denisenh]

i know that i wouldn't charge my child rent to live with me. i have had many people (relatives and non relatives) live under my roof and not pay anything. it just doesn't bother me. i have room and i don't feel that it makes a negative impact on my life to help someone else out, related or not.

BUT, some really successful people claim that being given the responsibility of managing money/paying rent at a young age was good for them.
I would say that it depends on the intention and situation.

 

[dislaney]

I wouldn't charge rent while my child is still in school. Now paying for their own phone or things like that would definitely be up for discussion.

 

[RitaE]

What do I think?

I personally have a policy to never judge somebody else's parenting decisions based solely upon the report of what their kid tells me is going on. I'm not even sure what you mean by you're not asking what people think you should do. What could you possibly do? This isn't your situation to do anything at all about.

Kind of a long way of saying there are two sides to every story and God Only Knows What My Kids Say About Me to their friend's parents.

 

[luvsJack]

I think there is a difference in charging you kid rent and in their helping out with the family expenses.

Many years ago, we were going through a bad time as dh had gotten laid off. DS had a part time job at the time and while we were having the family talk about cutting expenses, we told him that we may need him to help out. He actually took over paying the light bill and buying some groceries. We never considered him a "renter" but a part of a family that needed to band together to get through a tough time.

I don't have an issue at all when a family is having a hard time and needs their child who has a part time job to help out. But when the hard time is because one parent wants to stay home? That, imho, is wrong.

If this child is already a high risk for dropping out, her parents should be doing everything humanly possible to keep the girl in school. Not making it harder for her.

 

[merrily]

I think there is a difference in charging you kid rent and in their helping out with the family expenses.

Many years ago, we were going through a bad time as dh had gotten laid off. DS had a part time job at the time and while we were having the family talk about cutting expenses, we told him that we may need him to help out. He actually took over paying the light bill and buying some groceries. We never considered him a "renter" but a part of a family that needed to band together to get through a tough time.

I don't have an issue at all when a family is having a hard time and needs their child who has a part time job to help out. But when the hard time is because one parent wants to stay home? That, imho, is wrong.

If this child is already a high risk for dropping out, her parents should be doing everything humanly possible to keep the girl in school. Not making it harder for her.

When my husband was a teen, his mother was a struggling single mother. He used to willingly hand over his paycheck to her to help pay expenses and she would give him the $$ he needed for gas, etc. I have no problem with that. I guess I am most concerned that this kid is going to feel like she has to go get a full time job to pay her part of the household expenses. I also think this kid is already suffering from depression and extremely low self esteem. Leaving school would be a tragedy for her. I just feel bad for her. She has been trying to save money so she can take driver's ed and her mom keeps taking what she has saved. I suggested she get rid of her pets to cut down on her expenses but she says her mom won't let her. I know there is nothing I can do and that I shouldn't be critical of others parenting but as someone who works with pregnant and parenting teens, I have a bad feeling where this is headed for her.

 

[golfgal]

When my husband was a teen, his mother was a struggling single mother. He used to willingly hand over his paycheck to her to help pay expenses and she would give him the $$ he needed for gas, etc. I have no problem with that. I guess I am most concerned that this kid is going to feel like she has to go get a full time job to pay her part of the household expenses. I also think this kid is already suffering from depression and extremely low self esteem. Leaving school would be a tragedy for her. I just feel bad for her. She has been trying to save money so she can take driver's ed and her mom keeps taking what she has saved. I suggested she get rid of her pets to cut down on her expenses but she says her mom won't let her. I know there is nothing I can do and that I shouldn't be critical of others parenting but as someone who works with pregnant and parenting teens, I have a bad feeling where this is headed for her.

Maybe you could help her out by helping her set up a savings account her parents don't know about so she can save money to do the things she wants.

 

[merrily]

Maybe you could help her out by helping her set up a savings account her parents don't know about so she can save money to do the things she wants.

That is actually not a bad idea. I will ask her if she is interested.

 

[golfgal]

That is actually not a bad idea. I will ask her if she is interested.

Sometimes it is more important for a teen to have an adult that is not a parent show in interest in what they are doing to keep them going. Is she at your house enough to offer help with homework, etc.? Maybe ask her if she wants you to go to parent/teacher conferences with her or anything along that line? DD's best friend is a great kid. Her parents are really nice people but they don't "believe" in going to college. Her friend wants to go to college so she comes to us for help with all the "stuff" she has to do.

 

[Hillbeans]

My first thought was that it was wrong of the mother and how could she do that to her HS child - but as others said, you don't ever really know what is going on at the house and maybe the mom feels this is a way to teach responsibility. You didn't say how much money you're talking about either.

Had someone taught a few of my family members, at an early age, better money management and paying their own way in the world, maybe some of those relatives would have not been living home rent free as full grown adults with no jobs.

 

[merrily]

Sometimes it is more important for a teen to have an adult that is not a parent show in interest in what they are doing to keep them going. Is she at your house enough to offer help with homework, etc.? Maybe ask her if she wants you to go to parent/teacher conferences with her or anything along that line? DD's best friend is a great kid. Her parents are really nice people but they don't "believe" in going to college. Her friend wants to go to college so she comes to us for help with all the "stuff" she has to do.

She lives in a different town and doesn't have a license so I see her only when my son brings her to the house. I did offer to go to the school with her when she was worried about being homeless to ensure that she would be enrolled and have transportation provided to her. Fortunately the homeless had not yet happened so she didn't need to take me up on that offer. I have offered to help her look into funding for community college as her parents seem to have no interest in helping her further her education.

 

[GeorgeG]

When I was young, it was the norm that while working a part-time job while in school to pay a nominal "room and board" and start buying at least some of our own clothes. The amount increased significantly after graduation and starting full-time employment. That was how we learned about real life. Of course, most of us considered ourselves still "kids" until we were 18 or out of school.

I think a lot has changed in recent years with a lot of young people wanting to be treated as adults in their mid-teens, at least as far as freedoms and behavior go. The exception to being an "adult" is that they don't want any of the responsibilities that go with the freedoms. There is nothing wrog with parents charging their children a reasonable amount for living under their roof.

 

[golfgal]

When I was young, it was the norm that while working a part-time job while in school to pay a nominal "room and board" and start buying at least some of our own clothes. The amount increased significantly after graduation and starting full-time employment. That was how we learned about real life. Of course, most of us considered ourselves still "kids" until we were 18 or out of school.

I think a lot has changed in recent years with a lot of young people wanting to be treated as adults in their mid-teens, at least as far as freedoms and behavior go. The exception to being an "adult" is that they don't want any of the responsibilities that go with the freedoms. There is nothing wrog with parents charging their children a reasonable amount for living under their roof.

I think a lot of this stems from the helicopter syndrome too-not wanting your child to take a fall for anything. Also, parents are too afraid that their child won't like them.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Yes it is wrong. Education should be the priority and she should be able to focus on that till graduation. I have no problem with her having a part time job to provide for her own cell phone, clothes, movies out, etc., but her parents should provide a roof over her head till graduation.

 

[luvsJack]

When my husband was a teen, his mother was a struggling single mother. He used to willingly hand over his paycheck to her to help pay expenses and she would give him the $$ he needed for gas, etc. I have no problem with that. I guess I am most concerned that this kid is going to feel like she has to go get a full time job to pay her part of the household expenses. I also think this kid is already suffering from depression and extremely low self esteem. Leaving school would be a tragedy for her. I just feel bad for her. She has been trying to save money so she can take driver's ed and her mom keeps taking what she has saved. I suggested she get rid of her pets to cut down on her expenses but she says her mom won't let her. I know there is nothing I can do and that I shouldn't be critical of others parenting but as someone who works with pregnant and parenting teens, I have a bad feeling where this is headed for her.

That is so sad. Poor girl. I just don't understand how a mother can not do better than that by her own child. This girl needs all the love, support and encouragement she can get ( as do most teens). You are so right that leaving school would be a tragedy for her. And her own mother is pushing her that way!!

Maybe she can find something on the weekends waiting tables so that she can make enough and stay in school.

You mentioned community college. Maybe the best thing for this girl would be to look into going ahead and getting her GED and then going to community college. She could arrange her classes around a work schedule and still get her education that way.

 

[barkley]

i find it facinating that most just presumes that the mom of the teen girl is being lazy or shifting responsibility of supporting the household by virtue of her teen daughter telling a friend's mom that her mom won't take a job unless it pays a certain amount.

there's no evidence that it's a huge, unrealistic amount. there are plenty of valid reasons for someone to have this mindset-the best being if accepting a job will end up costing a person more or nearly what they bring in (having a job entails costs to get there/home, possible childcare, with some-uniforms or minimum dress standard clothing....). if it came close, i would think an additional BIG consideration would be if it kept one away from home during hours their teen daughter, who has a history of truancy such that out of home placement via the courts has occured, is going to/home from school.

for all anyone knows, it could be that this teen has a complicated history wherein a trained professional has instructed the parents to make her highly accountable and responsible for certain things-going to make the decision to have a pet? you WILL provide for that pet and not get rid of it when you no longer want the financial responsibility, want a cell phone? you will be financialy responsible for the contractual obligation (that a parent likely co-signed for), want to waste water/power with no consideration to what it costs-we'll hand you the bill to pay for it (i had friends in highschool this was done to ONCE and they became much more conserving subsequently), have enough time for a part-time job/socializing but not enough to even attend school (truancy)-plan on budgeting room/board in once you hit 18 (popular esp. with the kids who throw around the "once i'm 18 and an adult you can't..........).


i think it's unwise to totaly judge someone from strictly the comments their teen is making/sharing with their friends. it's rarely the whole story-it can often even be an entirely different story. if an adult suspects depression in one of their kid's friends and is'nt comfortable talking to that kid's parents about it, give a call to the kid's school and ask to make a concern known to the counseling staff-they are the ones who will be aware (but won't let you know) of what's going on with a kid whose schooling is under court supervision. the last thing you want is for what you do with the very best of intentions to sabatoge what may be a part of the "back to the home" plan that's the only thing keeping this kid out of foster care (which would end when she was 18-high school grad or not).