Changing an adopted child's name

[LotsOfQuestions]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

Did you bring this up with your counselors in your adoption classes? What were the experts' advice?

You seem rather angry at anybody who disagrees with you that you should be able to change the name. Did the experts also tell you that it would not be a good idea and you came here to maybe try to validate your beliefs?

This is a question for the social worker that knows your potential child the best. As you have seen, each child is different. If the psychologists and social workers think your particular potential child can handle it, then by all means change it.

If the psychologists and social workers advise you not to change the name, then please listen to them.

The DIS is not where to come for matters concerning a child's emotional health. Those decisions need to be made with the experts that know that particular child's situation and ability to handle a change of that magnitude.

 

[grumpy donald]

Did you bring this up with your counselors in your adoption classes? What were the experts' advice?

You seem rather angry at anybody who disagrees with you that you should be able to change the name. Did the experts also tell you that it would not be a good idea and you came here to maybe try to validate your beliefs?

This is a question for the social worker that knows your potential child the best. As you have seen, each child is different. If the psychologists and social workers think your particular potential child can handle it, then by all means change it.

If the psychologists and social workers advise you not to change the name, then please listen to them.

The DIS is not where to come for matters concerning a child's emotional health. Those decisions need to be made with the experts that know that particular child's situation and ability to handle a change of that magnitude.

This makes a lot of sense. Our choices were, I'm sure, inspired by our working with the adoption program.

 

[alizesmom]

OP, foster children aren't always abused or neglected. Sometimes the parent is very loving but unable to care for them. I have adopted 2 children from the foster system and retained the names the birth family gave them. The names are an integral part of my kids. They came to us with a specific personality, certain looks and a special name. I could have changed the name easily and it never would have bothered them since they are unable to comprehend such things. I didn't because I feel it would be like coloring their hair to a shade I preferred. It would change them. Whatever you do, God bless you.

 

[SydneyBristow]

I think you should ask the question at your classes or the agency, get their expert opinion.

 

[fourdaughters]

Mine was a closed adoption from the 70s so my parents were clueless too. They were told that the foster family called me Jennifer -- so I really don't know if my birth mother or foster parents named me. I never asked.

Like Mushy says (that looks funny to write -- I don't think I've ever called someone Mushy! ) I think each child has a different experience. I chose to never meet my birth mother, even after she showed an interest in meeting me in our 2006 correspondence. I thanked her for the obviously difficult choice of giving me up and assured her I had a wonderful life. I also left out that my mom had passed away. I didn't want her to think there was an open slot in my life for "mom" because there isn't. I was raised by and will always love my mom. (Not that I'm saying anyone who has befriended or contacted their birth mother is looking for a new mom...just my personal choice)

I don't know everyones circumstances, but I think I fared well as an adopted child was because my mom never let me doubt that I was her daughter. My extended family never treated me like "that adopted child". I was accepted and loved just the way I am. My mom had to face the adversity when she and my dad couldn't get pregnant. She dealt with the family saying things that were hurtful and mean. She also set them straight in her quiet and calm manner so when I arrived the negative ideals these people had were no longer an issue.

She used to have a saying and I don't remember all of it...but it said something about how I didn't grow under her heart, but in it (it's probably a very common adoption sentiment you can google). How true.

Sorry, I just feel very strongly about adoption. I think there are right ways and wrong ways of doing things. If I had turned 18 and my parents turned to me and said, "Oh, by the way---you're adopted!" I'd probably have packed my bags, moved out and never spoke to them again. I grew up bathed in honesty and love and I believe that is essential to anyone who wants to adopt a child. And be prepared for some HARD questions. I can remember pestering my mom with questions about finding my "real" mom. I was just a kid and didn't know I was talking to my "real" mom...how those questions must have killed her a little inside.

Okay -- I'll shut up for now. OP -- Good luck. I can't wait to hear about when you get matched with a child to love!

Not flesh of our flesh,nor bone of our bone,but still miraculously our own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but will forever grow in it.

 

[HamTown]

Two things:

I have students in my preschool class that at 2 1/2 not only know their name but can spell it (verbally) and can pick it out of a written list. They really identify with it.

Also, I think you need to figure out why you're having such a strong desire to change it. I'm probably stepping out of bounds here, but is the child you are considering adopting of a different ethnic background? Is the name more "ethnic" than you are comfortable with? This child isn't coming with a clean slate and if they are of a different ethnic background, their name may be the only thing that will help them identify with their biological heritage. Your adoption counselors will help you figure this out.

Of course, this may not be the issue at all and feel free to disregard the argument.

 

[FoundMyPrince]

We have friends that adopted two girls from Russia (about two years apart). Both girls had the same name; they changed the second girl's name. Both girls were under 4 when adopted.

Another couple we know adopted their daughter (three years ago today) and changed her name. She was about 6 weeks old at the time.

We've known many children from foster families and when they are adopted, they are encouraged to choose a new name. These have all been teens, but every one that we've known have chosen a new name.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

MommyRN - Your posts are so sweet to read. I'm sorry for your loss.

More about changing the name.. and this is with all adoptions. I think parents that adopt have the right to change the name, but I also think in some situations it helps for the parents to actually feel like the parents. Attachment (and please don't get me started on that, my husband can't handle two attachment rants in a week) is a two-way street between Parents and Children. Picking out a name is part of parenthood.

 

[c4a]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

Not entirely. It depends upon the situation the child comes out of, and whether a possible reunion with biological family members (siblings) might be acceptable. If it isn't change the name-make's a search a lot harder. Especially, in states that seal adoption records. The child's age has to also be taken into consideration.


When I was adopted, my name was changed for the very reason that you gave.. I was "allowed" to keep my middle name. As an adult, I understand this concept. As a child, I did not. Of course, I was also already in school-not a toddler. That makes a difference.

Also, yes the parent's have done horrible things.(In some cases) However, even though the child knows this...they still love those parents. Many times, it isn't until we get older & society tells us that what was done was wrong & why...does the reason's the state had "click".

As an adult, I found my biological siblings. I have a relationship with them. They know my adoptive name; however, they address me as either my biological name or my nickname when I was young. My adoptive family, and those who know me post adoption...I am called by my adoptive name.
Legally, I go by my adoptive name. Confusing? Only to other people. I learned at a very young age to compartmentalize (is that a word?) my feelings, and parts of my life...so, I have never been confused by it.

If I were to adopt, I might add a name I like to the beginning of their given name. However, I'd not change the entire name. Their past (for good or bad) is part of who they are.

Of coure, there is the school of thought that my Mother has..."a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet."

 

[Bluestars]

A good friend of mine adopted a child through the foster care system and changed her name. The child was four at the time. I thought it was strange and something I would not have done because her first name seemed fine, but it wasn't my life.

Maybe if the child is older than a baby, you could ask the child what she would think about a new name. Some kids might like it and some kids won't. Maybe it would let them feel like they have some type of control in their lives.

 

[shortbun]

I am a parent by way of adoption. We know many children who joined their families at a later age. None of them has had their name changed. One child was given a new middle name but never uses it. I think changing a name might do a child more harm than good for lots of reasons. Children who are adopted older never deny their origins; they learn to deal with them and accept them.

 

[AtlantaSue]

I know a little boy, now 5, who changed is own first name at age 3; he told his then foster parents (now adoptive ones) that he didn't want to go by the name "Jane" gave him. His sister did the same thing in her foster family. Obviously, their situation before they went into the system was horrific.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

I would be very concerned about taking the only possession the child has away......At a certain age I think it's a terrible idea.
When you adopt a child you don't start with a "clean slate" you are adding to their "slate" & history.
Please don't take offense but I think the name change is a selfish need on your part.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I didn't read most of the answers to your question here. I glanced through and it looked like there might be some distension going on. So I just wanted to answer.

I was adopted as a small baby -- not a toddler, but my parents did change my name. I was named by my foster parents -- my name then was Jennifer. A very pretty, but popular name back in the 70s. When my mom found out she was going to get a little girl she already had my name picked out.

I'm thankful she changed my name. It made me more "her daughter". I've even seen papers from the day she got the phone call about me where she wrote my name, my name and middle name and my full name...some in print, some in cursive. I cherish that piece of paper. It shows her excitement. Why shouldn't she have had the choice to name HER DAUGHTER?

My mom passed away almost 10 yrs ago...so all I have are memories to share with my kids who never got to meet her. One of my most priceless possessions is that piece of paper that showed how much she loved me before she even met me.

OP -- you name your baby...

NATALIE -- named by my adoptive mother -- my REAL mother.

P.S. I'm starting to read some of the responses and GEESH! I think people need to realize you are ADOPTING this child...not fostering them. Once the ink is dry on the adoption paperwork the OP is that child's MOTHER. Period. I got to name my kids and the OP has that right too. There are ways she can ease the child into a new name that won't damage the child at all. What happens if the child was given a name by a foster family or by the state. People are being a bit one-sided here.

This is a beautiful post! Thank you. We adopted 2 children internationally.

 

[SueM in MN]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

One of my thoughts is why does a toddler need a fresh start?
Who is the fresh start for, you or the child?

OP, foster children aren't always abused or neglected. Sometimes the parent is very loving but unable to care for them. I have adopted 2 children from the foster system and retained the names the birth family gave them. The names are an integral part of my kids. They came to us with a specific personality, certain looks and a special name. I could have changed the name easily and it never would have bothered them since they are unable to comprehend such things. I didn't because I feel it would be like coloring their hair to a shade I preferred. It would change them. Whatever you do, God bless you.

I agree with alizemom.

I am looking at this from 3 perspectives.
In one of my first Nursing jobs, I worked as an RN in an inpatient Mental Health facility for children and adolescents. Some of the children in our care had been abused and neglected - some horribly so. Despite that, the children continued to love their parents (somewhat like an abused woman who continues to stay with her/his spouse/SO). It didn't make sense, given how they were treated, but the love was there, along with the feeling that they were the cause of the abuse ("I wasn't loveable enough".) That is a common feeling in children who have been abused/neglected.
Several of the children had been through adoption at a young age and as teens had adjustment issues with their adoptive parents. One girl in particular had very low self esteem, even though her adoptive parents were some of the nicest people I had ever met, who loved their daughter very much. BUT, she knew that they had changed her name (their reason was 'to give her a new start" like the OP's idea) and she took that to mean that nothing about her was good. She also knew that her adoptive parents thought her birth parents were bad people EVEN THOUGH THE PARENTS WERE CAREFUL NOT TO EVER SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HER BIRTH PARENTS. As she said, "What is the child of monsters? A monster." Where had she gotten that idea? From the adoptive parents who had never said anything, but showed her those opinions in a lot of tiny, non-verbal ways. They had no clue that they were 'telling' her those things.
I'm not saying this is how it always is, just that there is a danger.

My second perspective is when I worked in Public Health as a nurse who actually did home visits to families who were abusing and/or neglecting their children. Some of the parents, like alizemom pointed out, were very loving and just were unable to care for the child.
Even the families who were horribly abusing and neglecting their child loved that child on some level. Many of the parents did not know how to parent; some because they were very young and unprepared to take care of a child, because they had not been parented by their own parent, from mental illness, drugs and alcohol or being the overwhelmed parent who was just in way over their head. Some had very skewed ideas/misconceptions about children - I can't even count the number of times I was told "my baby cries because he doesn't love me" - about a child under the age of one. Or parents who thought their toddler or infant soiled his diaper just to 'spite' them.
Some knew they were not good parents and voluntarily gave up parental rights because they loved their child and knew they were not the parents that child deserved - those kids were some of the lucky ones who ended up in foster care and later, adoption. Some ended up getting their rights terminated due to abuse/neglect and the fact that they could not/would not change enough to care for the child. For some, their child being taken away was a wake up call, which they used to make changes in their life and the child was returned home.
No matter what happened to get the child to the point of adoption, their birth parents are part of who they are. The child becomes part of the adoptive family, but the birth family is still part of their history and part of them.

My third perspective is as a woman who went thru all the steps of an adoption study with my DH. We were awaiting placement when I actually got pregnant, so we never did go thru an adoption. But, we had gone thru all the 'hoops' and were on a list for placement.
DH and I did discuss some of the issues around names. We decided that it it was not fair to rename a child and take that part of a child away.
Like alizesmom mentioned, we looked at it like changing the child's hair color to something that we preferred. Naming a child is a parent's right, but if the child already had a name, we did not see it as our right to change it. We had investigated foreign adoption and had decided that if the child had a name that was not able to be pronounced in English, we would probably keep the child's name and middle name as middle names and use an 'easier' name as a first name (with the child having input if old enough).
We also thought of what we would do if a child had a birth name that really did not go with our name or if we had a problem with the name (like first name of the guy who bullied people in my middle school).

Whatever you decide to do, good luck in your journey.

 

[ms.yt]

Thanks for all the replies. It's great to hear from some people who were adopted and went through this issue. To answer a few questions that have popped up here throughout the day, we have finished our classes, and in those classes they discussed the issue of name changing. Basically, the trainers and adoption specialists just said to use your own judgement with the particular child you have.

To the people who said that I didn't want to hear differing opinions and got angry when they were presented, I'm sorry I came across that way. The only things I got angry about were people who basically said I'm a bad parent for even considering it. As I've said, I don't know if we'll change the name or not. I know this is a different experience from a pregnancy, but I'll make an analogy nonetheless. Before my husband and I got married, we had discussions about what our children would be named. After we found out I was pregnant, we threw around names before we had any idea what he would be. I guess I'm doing kind of the same thing here even though we have no idea what age (we've specified 0-4) or sex he/she will be.

Again, I never said anything about erasing this child's past, only getting a fresh start. You can have a fresh start in life without forgetting your past. When my husband and I married I got a fresh start after a bad marriage and years of struggling for my son and I just to get by. However, I don't refuse to talk or think about those times. They are part of what made me who I am today, as will be the case with this child.

I see many people have strong opinions on this issue, and I am certainly not looking to the DIS to make this decision, as someone suggested. When and if the time comes, we will certainly talk with the child's support team about a possible name change. I posted on here to get opinions from people who have actually had experience with this since I don't know any people who have adopted except internationally.

Most of the people who think it's a terrible idea and I'm incredibly selfish for even considering it still don't seem to have a problem with changing the name for a specific set of reasons (international adoption, same name as other child, really ugly name). I still fail to see how changing it for these reasons would be different than any other reason if your argument is that it is taking away their identity.

Thanks again for all the replies and good wishes.

 

[Wishing on a star]

EDITED TO ADD: I typed this message before seeing the OP's response above as it came in... I have decided to leave it, as it was originally typed...

Okay, I have tried to be more positive and open minded here...

But, when I just re-read from what the OP had written in her original post.. (where it has been quoted just above...) that she actually considered that the child is 'saddled' with the name that they have It is very very clear to me that the OP is the one who feels 'saddled' by an adoptive child's history (read: horrid baggage)

And then to see the recent post where the OP vehemently defends her 'RIGHT' to name a child that she adopts. With a very strong tone in the post... Before she even sees where this journey is leading, and what child she may adopt, what that child's background is, and what the given name may be....

Nobody here doubts that it is any parents right to name their child.. that is not the question at all...

This is not about the adoptive parents 'rights', but what is right for the child... (which clearly depends on the individual child and their circumstances)

What may be ones 'right', is not always right.

At this point I am not sure that the OP has truly come to terms with adoption... and what the OP is comfortable with concerning adopting a child.. or what she may not be comfortable with.

Perhaps this thread will be the beginning of some real soul-searching...

I am not being judgmental, but just trying to be realistic and helpful when I say that perhaps the OP should stick to avenues of adopting a newborn or young infant...

EDITED TO ADD: To the OP, just to clarify.. it is not the fact that you may want to change your adopted child's name that would concern me... It is the underlying attitude that I believe is evident in your posts. I am feeling that you do have problems with a child having any history/baggage... including the name that they bring with them.

 

[Disney Doll]

And what I'm doing here is venting, too. What would make you think that I would ever tell the child anything bad about their birth parents? I have no intention of trying to erase everything about their past, but I feel strongly about the right to change the name. We may not change it, but if we feel right about it, we will. For you to make assumptions about what we're going to tell this child about his/her parents because of what I posted on here is ridiculous. I have managed for 10 years to raise my oldest son without bad-mouthing his father in his presence, so I think I can manage just fine, thank you very much.

Ok, so you come on here, ask what people think about changing an adopted child's name, then tell us that you will do what you want anyway and get all pissy and defensive.

So...why did you ask the question in the first place if you already knew the answer?

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

EDITED TO ADD: I typed this message before seeing the OP's response above as it came in... I have decided to leave it, as it was originally typed...

Okay, I have tried to be more positive and open minded here...

But, when I just re-read from what the OP had written in her original post.. (where it has been quoted just above...) that she actually considered that the child is 'saddled' with the name that they have It is very very clear to me that the OP is the one who feels 'saddled' by an adoptive child's history (read: horrid baggage)

And then to see the recent post where the OP vehemently defends her 'RIGHT' to name a child that she adopts. With a very strong tone in the post... Before she even sees where this journey is leading, and what child she may adopt, what that child's background is, and what the given name may be....

Nobody here doubts that it is any parents right to name their child.. that is not the question at all...

This is not about the adoptive parents 'rights', but what is right for the child... (which clearly depends on the individual child and their circumstances)

What may be ones 'right', is not always right.

At this point I am not sure that the OP has truly come to terms with adoption... and what the OP is comfortable with concerning adopting a child.. or what she may not be comfortable with.

Perhaps this thread will be the beginning of some real soul-searching...

I am not being judgmental, but just trying to be realistic and helpful when I say that perhaps the OP should stick to avenues of adopting a newborn or young infant...

EDITED TO ADD: To the OP, just to clarify.. it is not the fact that you may want to change your adopted child's name that would concern me... It is the underlying attitude that I believe is evident in your posts. I am feeling that you do have problems with a child having any history/baggage... including the name that they bring with them.

Wishing you stated that beautifully. I think this thread goes well beyond a possible name change. Adoption with an angry heart concerns me no matter what the age or name of the child.

 

[HOGFAN]

I know a couple that adopted a toddler from Russia. They wanted to change her name so they did it gradually. Called her Hilda Grace for awhile then dropped the Hilda. From what I understand, she transitioned beautifully.