Changing an adopted child's name

[brockash]

Obviously, you would change the last name, but what about the first name? We just finished our classes to adopt through DCFS, and we are hoping to adopt a toddler age child. My opinion is that the child should get the benefit of a fresh start, and that includes his/her name. I hate to sound harsh, but I feel like why should a child be saddled with a name his/her whole life that was given to them by someone who abused/neglected them to the point of them being taken away by the state? Does anybody have any experience with changing a child's name after adopting?

I think it depends. If the child is old enough to know his/her own name, then I don't really think it's fair to change it on them. They're already going through A LOT of changes, and I guess I think of it as "how would I feel if someone made me change my name?"- plus I don't have to deal with all the stuff that child does. Having said that, I have an adopted brother, and they switched his first and middle name around. He was adopted when he was 2, and hasn't/didn't seem to have any issues with it (he's 16 now) I would've thought he was too young at that age to know his name but my 18 month old definetly knows her name, so I guess it depends on how strongly you feel about it and how old he/she is, but I definetly say the younger the better if you're going to make that type of change.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

OP: What age(s) are you interested in adopting? I think there is a certain age where it may be better off leaving the birth name. Also, are you doing straight adoption from the foster care system, or will you be waiting to see if the child(ren) are reunited? That comes into play as well.

My DD was 16 months old from Guatemala when she came home. She did not have any issues with the name change. We combined part of her middle name with mine. It is not US trying to forget OR cover up her past... we love Guatemala- and we will always be honest with her and her questions. I have nothing but love and sympathy for our DD's birthmother...

What it all boils down to is it is a personal choice. If I adopted a 3-yr-old+ I probably would have kept the birth name unless it was unpronounceable.

 

[fourdaughters]

We had friends who adopted a little girl from China right at the time they were guessing she turned a year old (since many babies are abandoned no one knows exactly when they are born and they "give" them a birthday). They gave her an English first name and kept her Chinese name as her middle name. I think it worked out pretty well for them.

This is what we did. We went from Guo Li Yan to Grace Liyan. Her Chinese name was given to her by the orphanage director. I think it is a personal decision. Some in our group changed the names, some did not. Congratulations OP on your newest child!

 

[raysnkaysmom]

How would calling them by their middle name (which they probably wouldn't know) or a nickname be any different than changing their name?

middle name or nickname from their name is STILL part of their NAME... My oldest daughter went thru a phase where she hated her first name... so she went by her middle name (for all of 2-3 months)....
Then, my youngest DD is Kayleigh.. but is always called Kaykay...just a shortened version of her real name... I think that' is alot different than someone named (example) Chloe and you change her name to Elizabeth... nothing alike.

Not all birth parents are "miserable excuses for human beings".

I agree...We don't always get to know the circumstances of birth parents... and how someone who is adopting a child can think that way is very close-minded...because if it wasn't for that 'miserable excuse for a human being' you wouldnt 'be getting a child... (This is not directed at OP or previous posters.. this is just a blanket statement....)
I dont think the OP meant that anyways.... but I still stick to my belief that the name shouldn't be changed , unless, like others have said, it is unpronouncable....then somehow incorporate it into a middle name if possible...

 

[Pixiedust34]

Our kids were adopted as infants from South Korea. We gave them our pick of American first names, but kept their Korean last names as their American middle names. We wanted them to always keep a part of their original Korean names. So, their names are

American First Name, Korean Middle Name, Our Family's Last Name

However, if we were to adopt a toddler who already responded to his/her name, I'd lean toward keeping the name. By toddlerhood, the name is an important part of the child's identity. JMHO.

 

[mommy*RN]

I didn't read most of the answers to your question here. I glanced through and it looked like there might be some distension going on. So I just wanted to answer.

I was adopted as a small baby -- not a toddler, but my parents did change my name. I was named by my foster parents -- my name then was Jennifer. A very pretty, but popular name back in the 70s. When my mom found out she was going to get a little girl she already had my name picked out.

I'm thankful she changed my name. It made me more "her daughter". I've even seen papers from the day she got the phone call about me where she wrote my name, my name and middle name and my full name...some in print, some in cursive. I cherish that piece of paper. It shows her excitement. Why shouldn't she have had the choice to name HER DAUGHTER?

My mom passed away almost 10 yrs ago...so all I have are memories to share with my kids who never got to meet her. One of my most priceless possessions is that piece of paper that showed how much she loved me before she even met me.

OP -- you name your baby...

NATALIE -- named by my adoptive mother -- my REAL mother.

P.S. I'm starting to read some of the responses and GEESH! I think people need to realize you are ADOPTING this child...not fostering them. Once the ink is dry on the adoption paperwork the OP is that child's MOTHER. Period. I got to name my kids and the OP has that right too. There are ways she can ease the child into a new name that won't damage the child at all. What happens if the child was given a name by a foster family or by the state. People are being a bit one-sided here.

 

[arminnie]

Actually, I asked for input from other people who had adopted and changed the child's name. Of the few responses I've gotten that fit into this category, all have been from international adoptions. Most of the people who have replied to this thread haven't adopted at all. They are just sharing their opinion, which is fine. You seem to have a good reason (or justification) for changing your children's names. I just happen to think my reason is just as valid. As I said, we may not change the name. I just feel it is the adoptive parents' choice based on the individual circumstance.

I have not adopted but my cousin adopted a child that had been in their foster care since birth (mother was in jail). They did change the child's name when the mother's parental rights were (finally) terminated and they adopted the child.

Part of the reason for the name change was to keep the birth mother from stalking the child. The child is now 12, and there has never been anything negative about the name change.

The adoptee is just a wonderful young person that we are so happy to have in the family.

 

[EpcotBeauty]

I didn't read most of the answers to your question here. I glanced through and it looked like there might be some distension going on. So I just wanted to answer.

I was adopted as a small baby -- not a toddler, but my parents did change my name. I was named by my foster parents -- my name then was Jennifer. A very pretty, but popular name back in the 70s. When my mom found out she was going to get a little girl she already had my name picked out.

I'm thankful she changed my name. It made me more "her daughter". I've even seen papers from the day she got the phone call about me where she wrote my name, my name and middle name and my full name...some in print, some in cursive. I cherish that piece of paper. It shows her excitement. Why shouldn't she have had the choice to name HER DAUGHTER?

My mom passed away almost 10 yrs ago...so all I have are memories to share with my kids who never got to meet her. One of my most priceless possessions is that piece of paper that showed how much she loved me before she even met me.

OP -- you name your baby...

NATALIE -- named by my adoptive mother -- my REAL mother.

P.S. I'm starting to read some of the responses and GEESH! I think people need to realize you are ADOPTING this child...not fostering them. Once the ink is dry on the adoption paperwork the OP is that child's MOTHER. Period. I got to name my kids and the OP has that right too. There are ways she can ease the child into a new name that won't damage the child at all. What happens if the child was given a name by a foster family or by the state. People are being a bit one-sided here.

What a beautiful post.

 

[mommy*RN]

I should add I have known my entire life I was adopted. I also knew my whole life that my name had been changed. I've never spoken with my birth mother, but after my DD was born I had health concerns and wanted an updated medical history. We exchanged letters (all identifying information removed) and that was it. My birth mother gave me up because she couldn't care for me and my half brother. There was no abuse or drug use or anything out of the norm.

I agree each adopted child is different, but I think openness and honesty from the time you bring that child into your home is key. My mom always answered my questions -- even when they were tough for her.

In the meantime I would talk to a professional therapist or the like to see what their thoughts are. I am by no means a professional, but they can help you make your mind up.

If I'm not mistaken you've just finished up classes, right? So you don't necessarily have a child chosen yet, right?

Natalie

 

[MushyMushy]

If I read your first post correctly, you said that you just recently found out about your name change. Is that correct? If your parents had been honest with you about it, do you think you would have felt differently? I'm assuming that you knew you were adopted, but just didn't know your name had been changed? Were your parents open with you about other things in regard to your preadoptive past? We have no intention of trying to keep anything from this child. I would like to think this would help, but maybe I'm being naive.

Every adoptee is different -- as you can see from my post and Mommy RN's posts. From some of the different adoptee support groups I've belonged to, everyone had such a different experience and came out of it with different attitudes towards their adoption.

I always knew I was adopted, but I had some issues with it. It was a closed adoption from the 60s, so my parents didn't know much of anything, other than the fact that I was in foster care for the first four months of my life. I found out about the name change when I was in my 20s, after I met my biological family. I was really hurt by this, as was my biological mother. She didn't deserve to be hurt like that, and there's no reason for changing my name other than my parents wanting to exert their "rights." Sure they had the right, but that doesn't necessarily mean they should have done it.

My adoptive mother recently died, so it's hard to stay mad at her about it. I suspect it will always bother me, though.

 

[EveDallas]

I have no intention of trying to erase everything about their past, but I feel strongly about the right to change the name. We may not change it, but if we feel right about it, we will.

I just have to ask - if you don't want differing opinions, then why ask? You have every right to do as you see fit, but I agree with others. Changing the name the child is used to is a bad idea. It's like saying he/she has no real identity other than the one you give them. JMO.

 

[grumpy donald]

I would start working on reframing your attitude towards the birth parents. Yes, I'm sure they're miserable excuses for human beings -- the problem is that you can't communicate that to their child. The best way to frame it (especially when the child is so young) has to be that they tried but just couldn't do it.

There are many adoptees here who can probably comment with more authority, but just as kids internalize the bad mouthing of one parent towards the other parent in a divorce, I would think that any animosity on your part towards the bioparents might be internalized by the child as some kind of taint that remains with him/her.

I'm sure you had no intention of openly deriding them, but even subconscious attitudes tend to come out, and the main goal has to be supporting a healthy sense of self in the child, and as hard as it is, that includes seeing some good in the biological parents that the child can take pride in (even if you have to fake it to a certain extent).

I have a friend who adopted 4 kids from the same mother (a couple of different fathers) and their problems are tragic. Sometimes she vents (outside their presence) about the damage the parents did (these children are older) but she also knows she has to try to give the kids some positive feelings about them, even if it's just what beautiful eyes they have, or that their extended biofamily must have been very smart to pass on such scholarly genes, etc. The last thing she wants is for them to feel that they come from NOTHING because that will make them feel like THEY are nothing.

I agree.

 

[grumpy donald]

P.S. I'm starting to read some of the responses and GEESH! I think people need to realize you are ADOPTING this child...not fostering them. Once the ink is dry on the adoption paperwork the OP is that child's MOTHER. Period. I got to name my kids and the OP has that right too. There are ways she can ease the child into a new name that won't damage the child at all. What happens if the child was given a name by a foster family or by the state. People are being a bit one-sided here.

Just because you CAN do something doesn't make it the best thing for the child.
Changing the name of an older child seems selfish to me. That is already a part of that child, their identity.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

mommyRN, I think everyone realizes she is adopting, not fostering. We just have different ideas as to what an adoptive parent should do with respect to a child who already has a name.

Of course it's a mother's right to name her child. But is it necessarily a good idea, when that child already has a name? Adoption shouldn't be about the mom and her rights, but about the child and what is best for him/her. Unfortunately, with a baby or toddler, you never know whether their reaction to a name change will be more like yours or like Mushy's. With an older child, you can let them make the decision, and with a baby, you don't have the issue of how much they really identify themselves with their name. Toddlers are going to be the hardest stage for this consideration, IMO.

 

[mommy*RN]

I always knew I was adopted, but I had some issues with it. It was a closed adoption from the 60s, so my parents didn't know much of anything, other than the fact that I was in foster care for the first four months of my life. I found out about the name change when I was in my 20s, after I met my biological family. I was really hurt by this, as was my biological mother. She didn't deserve to be hurt like that, and there's no reason for changing my name other than my parents wanting to exert their "rights." Sure they had the right, but that doesn't necessarily mean they should have done it.

Mine was a closed adoption from the 70s so my parents were clueless too. They were told that the foster family called me Jennifer -- so I really don't know if my birth mother or foster parents named me. I never asked.

Like Mushy says (that looks funny to write -- I don't think I've ever called someone Mushy! ) I think each child has a different experience. I chose to never meet my birth mother, even after she showed an interest in meeting me in our 2006 correspondence. I thanked her for the obviously difficult choice of giving me up and assured her I had a wonderful life. I also left out that my mom had passed away. I didn't want her to think there was an open slot in my life for "mom" because there isn't. I was raised by and will always love my mom. (Not that I'm saying anyone who has befriended or contacted their birth mother is looking for a new mom...just my personal choice)

I don't know everyones circumstances, but I think I fared well as an adopted child was because my mom never let me doubt that I was her daughter. My extended family never treated me like "that adopted child". I was accepted and loved just the way I am. My mom had to face the adversity when she and my dad couldn't get pregnant. She dealt with the family saying things that were hurtful and mean. She also set them straight in her quiet and calm manner so when I arrived the negative ideals these people had were no longer an issue.

She used to have a saying and I don't remember all of it...but it said something about how I didn't grow under her heart, but in it (it's probably a very common adoption sentiment you can google). How true.

Sorry, I just feel very strongly about adoption. I think there are right ways and wrong ways of doing things. If I had turned 18 and my parents turned to me and said, "Oh, by the way---you're adopted!" I'd probably have packed my bags, moved out and never spoke to them again. I grew up bathed in honesty and love and I believe that is essential to anyone who wants to adopt a child. And be prepared for some HARD questions. I can remember pestering my mom with questions about finding my "real" mom. I was just a kid and didn't know I was talking to my "real" mom...how those questions must have killed her a little inside.

Okay -- I'll shut up for now. OP -- Good luck. I can't wait to hear about when you get matched with a child to love!

 

[aprilgail2]

Actually, I asked for input from other people who had adopted and changed the child's name. Of the few responses I've gotten that fit into this category, all have been from international adoptions. Most of the people who have replied to this thread haven't adopted at all. They are just sharing their opinion, which is fine. You seem to have a good reason (or justification) for changing your children's names. I just happen to think my reason is just as valid. As I said, we may not change the name. I just feel it is the adoptive parents' choice based on the individual circumstance.

I did not adopt but I was adopted and my adoptive mom changed my name. Funny story about that was I was in about 1st grade and I suddenly decided that I liked the name Suzanne better than my own name and was asking to be called suzanne instead of my name- I had NO clue what my name had been and I really didn't even get the whole "adoption" thing at that point anyway - I knew I was adopted but I thought that every mom that had a kid had to adopt it before they brought it home but thats another whole story LOL- well I never knew why it was so upsetting to my A-mom that I wanted my name to be suzanne until I grew up and found out that it HAD been suzanne for the first 3 months of my life. She had tossed around keep it as my middle name since they kept my brothers name as his middle name when they adopted him but they did not do that for me. I would keep some part of my childs life the same, even if you made the birth name a middle name but don't take everything from their life up until then from them. When I found my birht mom I wrote her a letter introducing myself as my new first name but put in there that "you would know me as Suzanne"- then she knew I was who I said I was!!

 

[Tricia1972]

If the child knows their name, then I think you shouldn't change it.

A baby who doesn't know their name is one thing, I personally think changing the name of a toddler could be damaging to the child.

 

[grumpy donald]

We adopted three little girls through the foster care system. We'd had two little boys for a year, when the relatives came in and said they wanted them. I hope your fare better.

We didn't change the girl's names. They were 1 1/2, 3, and 8. siblings of a mom who was neglectful only because she was developmentally disabled, and basically taken advantage of. I have a soft spot in my heart for her, and the oldest always makes and sends a card or gift for the holidays.

 

[mommy*RN]

mommyRN, I think everyone realizes she is adopting, not fostering. We just have different ideas as to what an adoptive parent should do with respect to a child who already has a name.

Of course it's a mother's right to name her child. But is it necessarily a good idea, when that child already has a name? Adoption shouldn't be about the mom and her rights, but about the child and what is best for him/her. Unfortunately, with a baby or toddler, you never know whether their reaction to a name change will be more like yours or like Mushy's. With an older child, you can let them make the decision, and with a baby, you don't have the issue of how much they really identify themselves with their name. Toddlers are going to be the hardest stage for this consideration, IMO.

I guess it's really up to the OP to make that choice for her child. All I can say is if people were still calling me Jennifer when I was 3 yrs old I don't remember it. Again I push for honesty with the child...and allow them their chance to speak. Even 2yr olds or 3yr olds can express their feelings on matters like this...

 

[Traveliz]

A person in our church and his wife adopted a family members (niece - something like that) child as an open adoption a number of years ago. The child had a name like Emily and for the two years while the adoption was going through we called the girl Emily. The child lived with the adoptive parents from shortly after birth. About a year before things were finalized we were told they were going to rename her Sarah but not until the adoption was final. Literally she changed over to Sarah when adopted. She has always known her past, as a child she adjusted quickly to the change and as a teen she is a fine young woman.

Good luck with your decision.

I will say as someone who has a MS in Child Development at the time I was leery about their decision but it worked out fine. Those little ones do adapt quickly and especially when its a postive change in their lives.

Liz