Cemetery Flowers. Is this cheap/cheating?

[RedAngie]

My parents’ grave is outside. I reuse the seasonal artificial floral arrangements and/or wreaths if they still look good when the seasons change. I don’t consider it “cheating.” My father would approve of me not buying new when the old are still perfectly good.

 

[lilmc]

Life is for the living. Why tax the planet further and impact future generations just a little bit more when they’re still perfectly fine? So wasteful! You’re doing a great job, ignore the busybody.

 

[jimmymc]

Re-using the flowers just means less plastic use by not constantly purchasing new ones. I'd keep a set for each season in a box in the basement.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

My mother does the flower arrangements for all the graves in our family. She reuses the same flowers and wreaths until they start to look sad (none of our graves are indoors). She ends up replacing them every 10 years or so.

 

[easyas123]

Keep using the flowers. You are commemorating your parents- and it's the thought that counts.

I100% agree. You are being neither Sad nor cheap, you are being a thoughtful & resourceful daughter.

 

[clh2]

Definitely reuse what you have already purchased. If you get bored with them, then switch them up a little.

And as for the busybody…you owe him/her no explanations into your personal business.

 

[QueenIsabella]

You're fine! Change the ribbon if the spirit moves you, otherwise, ignore the busybody. Nobody would think twice if you re-used a (fake) Christmas wreath or other decor, year after year.

On a tangential note, we have a Halloween door sign that says "Enter, Foolish Mortals!", with personalized depictions of our 4 cats in appropriate (for their personalities) Halloween costumes. We all love the sign. Unfortunately, 2 of the 4 cats died last year. But, I still hang the sign on our front door, because it makes us all happy to see it. Someday, I may get a new sign with our current 4 cats on it, but for now, it's a fun remembrance of our departed, beloved pets. If someone gave me crap about it, I'd tell them to pound sand.

 

[Living42Day]

Yikes, that was kind of a rude comment on something so sensitive. I'm sorry that someone said that.

We have unfortunately had a lot of deaths in our family, and I take pride in placing flowers in remembrance of our loved ones. Most of the relatives don't put anything on the graves anymore, but I still do because it feels right. I 100% reuse artificial floral arrangements, they stay nice year-to-year because I maintain them. Once they get old looking or not as "fresh", I replace but see no reason to not reuse. I'm religious, though, and don't think my loved ones are on the other side saying, "Geez you cheapo, niece/granddaughter/cousin/friend!" but are glad that I am remembering them. There was a woman who was murdered in our county about 40-ish years ago that is still unsolved, I also take flowers to her grave as well...also reused.

No one else is going to notice if they are reused, and I don't see anything wrong with contributing less waste to the environment.

 

[Judique]

Well, someone told me the other day that reusing them like this was just sad and cheap and that I should do all new arrangements each time. Apparently, I'm dishonoring my parents by reusing the same flowers. (Never mind that at some point, they're not only going to be reused, but they're going to sit there unchanged until the mausoleum caves in because they'll never look terrible and I doubt the cemetery will ever remove them.) I've kind of felt a little off about it myself, but at the same time, I can't stand waste and my parents abhorred it, too (depression-era babies), so I've just continued to do it. I can't imagine they'd want me tossing perfectly good flowers in the garbage.

But am I really being terrible? I'm not a religious person, so I don't believe they're "up there" taking inventory. I could just have the vase removed, and I probably will one day in the future just to keep the aforementioned "endless flower" scenario from happening when I die. But for now, she wanted it so I'm trying to honor that request.

Her best friend noticed. We've been over a year's cycle now, and she's noticed the repeats when she visits. She actually emailed me about it. (We correspond about other things, as well, as I've always enjoyed her company.) She's a nice person and I'm not sure she meant to be mean to me. I think she comes from a generation (like my parents) where tending graves was more of a serious thing because there weren't these perpetual care facilities and family graves were a bigger deal. But she did make me question this whole thing. Like I said, I was already kind of wondering about it and when she brought it up, I was like, "Well, dang, am I terrible?"

You are not terrible at all. Since it's her best friend, you could throw a little her way and ask her if 'she' has anything she would like to leave in the flower pot for one of the seasons. If she doesn't, just continue using what you have until you want to change things up. Maybe sometime you will see something different that pleases you to honor them with in the future. It's only been a year's cycle and if you both continue to visit, and to maintain your friendship, there will be lots of opportunities to use what you have or change it up if you feel you want to. I think it's wonderful that a year later you both are still visiting your parents.

 

[robinb]

You can choose to respond or not, or maybe just keep a response on hand for if she brings it up again. In a nice way I’d just say my Mom brought me up not to be wasteful, so cycling the flowers does not feel inappropriate. I might even ask her if she’d like to pick and change the flowers some seasons. Sounds like she visits often enough that she may feel honored being invited to cherish your parents together with you.

This was exactly what I was thinking. Perhaps she would like to be part of the decorations.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

There's nothing wrong with reusing the flowers. Change the bows or rearrange the flowers if you want to switch them up, but don't feel badly about using them again. As others have said, it's no different than using an artifical Christmas tree or seasonal wreath each year. My grandma, grandpa, uncle and my dad are all buried in a row. My mom will eventually be buried on top of my dad's plot. The cemetery is about 2 1/2 hours away, so we don't go very often. We always take artifical flowers for each grave. Sometimes the previous flowers are still there. We pick through them and leave the ones that still look nice. If they're worn or dirty from being outside, we toss them. Sometimes my mom's friend (who lives locally) leaves flowers. We add what we've brought and even them out so everyone gets the same amount. I'm sure my grandpa, uncle and dad would want my grandma to have all the flowers. She would want everyone else to have them. But, we want them all to have flowers that's what they get!

 

[PollyannaMom]

You are right and the busybody is wrong!

 

[AnnaS]

To each their own. You do you. Even if you did not bring a single flower (fresh, plastic, reuse), it's the thought that counts. You took the time to visit. Forget about what someone else thinks or does.

For many years, we placed an ornament, a card, a flower or two (real or reused the fake ones) for my parents, my sister and my in-laws. They are in a mausoleum. My DH passed last year and they just changed the rules. We are not allowed to tape/hang anything on the mausoleum stone. There are benches across from it. One cemetery you can pay a yearly fee for a vase they screw on and they place plastic seasonal flowers (in-laws).

I do the same as before but need to place it on the bench now. I do not always bring something. Many times I pick up a bouquet of fresh flowers and break up the bouquet leaving something for my parents, sister and DH. They go in the garbage not long after. I might visit a few times a month or once every two months. I have a sister who visits once a year and she finds the need to ask me if I saw whatever she brought for my DH. It makes her feel good/she did her part/more to tell me she visited but I personally don't care if she brought anything there. Her visit was enough and no need to advertise all the time either.

I know someone - his wife/very good friend of mine - passed many years ago. He would complain to me that his mother-in-law (and he insisted he knew), would place the plastic flowers from the dollar Store on her daughter's grave and why leave anything at all. I would never tell the mother in-law and hurt her feelings (she lived downstairs from them). She was in her 80s and had to get a ride when she visited her grave. She kept the fake flowers home in case she got a ride. She took the time and made an effort. Instead of the son-in-law saying, someone was there to visit his wife's grave, he complained. It would aggravate me and I would say it's the thought that counts. He hated the in-law but that is another story.

Like anything else, someone will always voice their opinion because they know or think they are right.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

TBH if she was worried about honoring the memory tact should have been employed given her stance although yes age can play a role in there.

But given it's her best friend, whom you already converse with occasionally, a possible interaction if it were me were to in a gentle way explain you were caught off guard by this abrupt comment (which IMO in this case can read neutral rather than what it really was which was judgmental and rude regardless of intentions) and if it were me I would continue to do it the way you have done it but also ask if she wanted to add a small part to it be it different flowers or an added new decor with the changing of the seasons.

You'll have your answer on if she was more genuine (IMO) in her perspective if she does join in (even if she has someone else do it because she over time is unable to) vs trying to shift it all on you.

The thing about grieving is it's highly personal so I wouldn't let self-doubt in how you are choosing to do this with your parents with how someone else thinks you should be doing it even if the person in question was close to the ones who passed. Even though you aren't saying it's the case for your parents there undoubtable are people out there who are putting the same arrangements up because they know their loved one would have wanted that, could be their favor color, their favorite flower, or if it's a specific decor item it could be their favorite one. Regardless of all of that reusing a display time after time is not cheap, nor cheating, and in this case you're viewing what you knew your parents to be about; less waste and although I would never actually say it out loud much less to her if the best friend knew her friend (your mother) presumably she would know about the less waste aspect and would have seen it as honoring her rather than a presumed social norm from their era.

 

[mylilnikita]

OP: hugs to you.
Timely thread because yesterday I was driving by the one close to me and I was thinking all that really is for the living . Flowers real or fake, beautiful headstones etc.

As for your moms friend: I’m like this and have been for a very long time: if you come to me and tell me what you think I should do or you don’t like how I do things, step up or shut up. Tell her you will
Pass the torch to her to take care of the flowers. Especially if she si saying you are essentially dishonor them, an automatic no go conversation with me it would have to be.nipped in the bud. And it doesn’t have to be a big argument just a matter of fact.

It reminds me of years ago my aunt who loved 3 hours away would talk to her nephews who were way older than me so I’d don’t grow up with them. One of them felt a need to tell her that he took flowers and cleaned off his dads grave stone and saw no one had been in the family plot in awhile and maybe I should do it because we lived closer ( not really nephews also lived same distance in anither city) but since I was single and no kids.
Um no. I was not going to do all that as I think if all that as it’s all for looks for the living.
Plus it was also me who was concerned about my grandmother when I was a teen and would go help do errands and clean the house , I didn’t see them come over. Both of my Oates t went against the “norm “ of tradition in both sides of family and donated bodies to science’s ( not every body is applicable) and were cremated . But by then mostly everyone was gone . Except my 2 aunts who wanted me to lie to my dad and said I’d have him donated but they wanted me to have his body transferred to his home state . Nope and I then realized why he made me head of everything.