Cash wedding presents vs. honeymoon fund?

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by leebee, Jan 3, 2019.

  1. nkereina

    nkereina Last chance to lose your keys.

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    Respectfully, when you give someone money as a gift, what they are spending it is not really your concern. You are gifting it to them, and they are free to do with it as they wish. Out of curiosity, what is something that would upset you if you found out they used the money you gifted them to make the purchase?

    I'd agree with PP that saying what you're putting the money towards in the thank you notes is a nice way to let them know, if you're so inclined. It does make it more personal. One thing I roll my eyes at are the pre-printed thank you cards that people are sending more frequently nowadays. I get that they are sending a ton of thank you's, but its nice to see a handwritten or personalized one come through so you know they took the time to consider your gift and write out a message to you.
     
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  2. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    Yeah it was really just kept to family; I could have invited a lot more but that didn't sit right with me (and that's not a comment towards anyone else just personal feelings). I only have my mom's side of the family, my father's side has long since passed away (aside from my father, stepmother and my dead-beat uncle lol),

    I did edit my comment because I realized I forgot my grandmother :o now I feel bad lol. My maid of honor and my other bridesmaid were unable to make it due to work obligations. Those would have been the only non-family invited. One of the future sister-in-law's was the other bridesmaid.

    The showers I've been invited to it's basically women in the wedding itself (so bridesmaids) and close women in the family. My 2 cousins that went are close family (as opposed to what most would just consider extended) to me thus they were invited. The last shower I went to she had 7 bridesmaids (included maid of honor) alone then you start adding in family. Even then it was still probably just over 20 and the bride and groom (who was my cousin) had a decent sized wedding.

    Even then here a registry is not seen as shower only (least none of the weddings I've been to or anyone else I know has been too). But it does help in understanding others if that's the case where they are from. Our Save the Date was sent out well in advance so anyone coming to the shower would have gotten that in the beginning and selected gifts from the registry listed, wedding guests would have done the same.
     
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  4. HopperFan

    HopperFan "It's a bug-eat-bug world out there, princess."

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    First CONGRATS!!! party:

    Have you looked to see if your furniture company offers gift cards, some do. If you have a wedding site you could list you are saving up for furniture at xxx store and would love gift cards to use towards it. I would absolutely buy that for you. If someone doesn't want to do gift card they might just send money with a note for your furniture.

    I don't give money blindly ... I don't give cash as it could get lost at reception, I won't mail it and I don't want it slowly used for Starbucks and daily expenses. I don't give checks because I won't share my banking info. I might give a bank gift card but hate they take a large fee. What I usually do is give a gift card that is to one of the locations on their registry so they can fill in what they didn't get OR if no list but I have awareness of their situation .... like ones who bought new or older homes, there is always something like ceiling fans or grills or patio furniture or even just wanting to change fixtures - I get them Home Depot or Lowe's gift card. This way they get money to spend as they wish but I have an idea of what it will be used for.

    When I wrote my thank you notes for money I said "Thank you so much for your generous gift. We have used it towards a "sofa" and will think about you every time we sit on it." Just insert what you used it for and how appreciative you are.

    Most of my recent thank you notes I recieved made zero reference to our gift which tells me they didn't care enough and sent everyone the same exact message.


    I want the money used for or towards something they need or want to upgrade like furniture, washer/dryer, appliances, new dishes, grill etc. I don't even mind it put into a house down payment fund for later. I do not want it used to pay bills, to buy groceries or a year supply of Starbucks. If you can't afford all those things then maybe you should have a small intimate wedding and use the wedding money for those things.

    1000% this. My DD/DH went to a shower (I don't believe in them and didn't go) and as they entered and their gift taken from them they were asked to address their own thank you note. When it arrived it was hand written but clearly everyone got the same message and it was clear they had no idea what gift they were given. Same couple did the same thing for their child's huge over the top birthday party (we did not attend). I mean at that point why not just have us write our own thank you not to ourselves. DD/DH went along but I assure you I would not have filled it out and waited to see if we got a thank you. But I may have answer as we got NO thank you for not only a generous $ gift but a personalized gift AND our whole family took time, traveled out of state, paid full price for hotel after they kicked us out of block by MOG so another family member who didn't plan well could have our room, spent money on traveling and dining ..... no thank you at all.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019 at 9:51 AM
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  5. mjkacmom

    mjkacmom DIS Veteran

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    Yes, and that’s how I’ve taught my kids to write thank you notes for cash - dear aunt Sally, thank you so much for the generous birthday gift, it will really come in handy as I’m saving up for a new Xbox...
     
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  6. hertamaniac

    hertamaniac Give me 95 degrees everyday

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    Received cash for any purpose we wanted. We did a cruise and banked the rest.
     
  7. nkereina

    nkereina Last chance to lose your keys.

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    I know what you're saying, but if the couple decides they want to blow the money on a year's supply of Starbucks, isn't that their prerogative? You've done your part giving the gift, and it shouldn't be given on a conditional basis or with strings attached. Similarly, if I gave someone a dish set for their wedding and they decided to use it in the backyard for target practice, so be it. Doesn't change the value of the gift I've given to them. Its out of my hands and mind the second I drop the card in the box.

    I also think that the size and price tag of a wedding isn't necessarily directly connected to the a couple's finances, since parents often contribute to or pay for the total cost of the wedding. People should be able to have the wedding they want, even if they have to save longer to do so.
     
  8. Skellingtonj

    Skellingtonj DIS Veteran

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    But your not giving money blindly. It’s a wedding gift. IMO, it’s antiquated to ask where the money is going.
     
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  9. HopperFan

    HopperFan "It's a bug-eat-bug world out there, princess."

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    But to me it does matter. I am giving them a gift to help them start off their married life together and would like them to use the money in that way. Whether it's to buy things for the home for the first time, to upgrade old things they've had, to put it towards needed furniture etc or in a savings account to save money for a home. If they just want party money or admission to the reception ... set up a Go Fund Me.


    I am invited to a wedding, I am not invited to a Go Fund Me account. And to me a wedding gift is an expectation that it will be used to start off their married life together, traditionally for their home.

    Who said anyone is asking where the money is going? I don't recall anyone saying they asked. I think some like myself hope that it us used as intended but it sounds like many are using funds/registries to manipulate funds from guests that they will cash out.

    Honestly I don't care what others do ... will what they do cause me to have an opinion on their manners or honesty ... maybe, but I don't give cash and I mostly RSVP no to weddings unless I am very close to either the bride or groom. And even some of those I went to had me come away wondering why we bothered.
     
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  10. Skellingtonj

    Skellingtonj DIS Veteran

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    I don’t agree with that at all. It’s not my business what they do with the money once it’s theirs.
     
  11. Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson DIS Veteran

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    I guess that's a 'how one would view it' type situation. There could be couples that see their honeymoon as a way to start off their marriage. It's just not a physical tangible item like dishes that can start the marriage.

    Admission to a wedding is very different than setting up a honeymoon fund. You've seen the stories where the wedding couple charges to go to an after party or charges to go to the wedding reception. That's a far cry from giving a choice to donate, as your gift, to a honeymoon fund.
     
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  12. HakunaMoscato

    HakunaMoscato Earning My Ears

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    I happen to agree with HopperFan. They should be able to afford daily expenses on their own, and the monetary contribution I make should go to something they wouldn't normally buy on a regular basis. Gift money should go to a special gift item.

    Honeymoon is already paid for, so a honeymoon fund wouldn't really make sense now. We'd just be reimbursing ourselves for something that's already been paid.

    I like the idea of thanking people individually on the thank you notes, and telling them what we used the money for...
     
  13. Grumpy's Gal

    Grumpy's Gal DIS Veteran

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    Congrats on your DDs wedding! I want to tell you what happened at a wedding my sister just went to. At the reception, there was a basket inside the door for cards. She said it was full of cards and very few gifts were on the table so she believes the majority of those cards had money, checks or gift cards in them. At the end of the evening, the newlyweds and their parents were the last to leave and the basket WAS GONE. After contacting others and the reception hall manager, they determined it was stolen.the following morning, my sister got the email from the groom’s mother that said “ we’re emailing everyone who may have left a wedding card...basket stolen.. please stop payment on checks, cancel gift cards etc.” my sister had given a target gift card and when she called to cancel it, the card had already been used in the same town where the wedding was! The police are involved now. They think it was an employee at the reception hall. So my advice for upcoming weddings, please consider NOT putting your card basket right inside the door. Maybe place it far from the door where more eyes can be on it. Again, just as a precaution!
     
  14. QueenIsabella

    QueenIsabella DIS Veteran

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    For the OP (and her DD)--you could also do a "wishing well" or make a sealed box--cover it with fancy wedding paper and cut a large slit in the top, for people to put cards into. That way, the cards are at least a little protected, and it's not easy to grab a handful. Totally agree on not having the gift table right by the door--in a corner or by the cake or somewhere would be better. It really sucks that a wedding couple got their gifts stolen.
     
  15. leebee

    leebee DIS Veteran

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    Oh my holy, I never would have considered this happening! You think that the people you invite to your wedding are your FRIENDS and RELATIVES!! I wouldn't think about the "hired help" who might be tempted by cards that obviously will contain cash, checks, and gift cards. I know they have/are making a gift card box; we'll make sure that it's kept in a safe spot, in view. Maybe even "empty" it part way through the reception? I guess you just can't be too cautious! :sad2:
     
  16. Skellingtonj

    Skellingtonj DIS Veteran

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    Or give them to someone you trust. A dad or an uncle. It’s sad that this goes on.
     
  17. maxiesmom

    maxiesmom The Mean Squinty Eye Works

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    I agree. To think that you are owed an explanation is pretty rude. If you can't deal with that, don't give money, give a gift. Good gravy.
     
  18. Hikergirl

    Hikergirl DIS Veteran

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    I sure hope all those who give monetary gifts with expectations on what the couple spends the money on are at least covering your plates. They didn't have to invite you and feed you, and pay your bar tab, they could have saved that money for something else and cut you off the guest list. ;)
     
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  19. DisneyHardin

    DisneyHardin DIS Veteran

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    That's what we did at our wedding. Once about everyone had gotten there, my cousin took all the cards out of the box and put them in her tote bag so they weren't just sitting there for several hours.
     
  20. luvsJack

    luvsJack DIS Veteran

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    I find some of the responses here so funny!

    If you give money as a gift, you do not get to determine what it is used for. If the happy couple takes all the checks/cash and uses every dime of it gambling in Vegas; it’s none of your business.

    If they take it and pay for a very expensive honeymoon; still, none of your business.

    If they cash every check, take all the cash and have a bonfire; still, none of your business.

    At least the couple with the honeymoon registry is saying hey! We are using this for our honeymoon!

    Sounds like the bride from the op is very level headed and will be using the money for needed items. But if you honestly think every couple is going to do that, you have blinders on.

    Either give the money knowing full well you have no say in what it goes to or buy the toaster.

    Seems to me the majority have no real reason for not liking them. They are newish and different and oh my! Such things aren’t done! Lol.

    Registering for a sunset cruise is not one iota different than registering for crystal glasses that may or may not simply gather dust.

    And by the way, a honeymoon is not a daily expense. Goodness. It would be giving something they may not pay for otherwise.
     
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  21. nkereina

    nkereina Last chance to lose your keys.

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    It just sounds like you'd be giving the gift on a conditional basis. How would one actually verify what the recipients plan to use the money on before the gift of cash is given? And what would you do if they didn't end up using it on what they said, and used it on something you disapproved of instead?

    Just for conversation sake, if you gave the couple a nice dish set that they had registered for, and they shot it with BB guns in the backyard (which is why they registered for it), would that upset you also?
     

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