Cant sleep - worried about son/money *** updated #19 ***

[katiec]

I just wanted to post somehwere to get it off my chest

Its 5am .

My DS, 21, is at Camp Leaders in Minnessota for the summer, working with kids with autism/mental health issues/anxiety issues etc.

He went last year and as a result changed Uni courses at the last minute from the previous years drama course to Occupational therapy. He went to Oxford Brooks - arrived home on the Saturday and was at the uni on the Tuesday. We left him in a hostel as there was apparently no accommodation available at the uni!!!! I cried all the way home.

He did get a room the following day, but although he loved the practical side of the course, struggled with the theory side and as he was a week late arriving all the people on the course already had their little friends groups and he missed out. He was one of only 3 males on the course - the others were married men! He felt guilty at leaving all his friends from the previous course behind as they had rented a house together. (We met them when we picked his stuff up and they were a great bunch)

ALso DS has said he doesnt know what he wants to do when he gets back - he wants to transfer to a different uni but isnt really doing much about it.

His accommodation, which is the worst place I have EVER seen, cost over £5000 - the course was funded by the NHS.
There was £1200 outstanding for this term which he hasnt paid yet - however yesterday DH opened a letter and the bill is now £1600!!!! And it came with a "pay it now or we go to a debt collection agency" threat!!

This morning I have been through ALL the post in the "post basket" and we havent received any other letters about the fees.

DH - not DS father (we met 8 years ago) - has had a bee in his bonnet about the fees for months and months and months so when he opened the letter he blew his top last night. I end up - as always - defending DS and not speaking to DH!

DH then goes on and on about what he's gonna do when he gets back - cant live with us unless he gets a job - where's the money gonna come from to pay the fees etc etc etc.

(We both have good jobs but like most people live to the edge of our means - and me - beyond it most months. DH is cross that even though not DS father we have to take his wages into account so DS does not qualify for support - another bugbear for DH!)

I sent a msg to DS on Facebook last night - its the only way we can communicate with him as he only gets limited time off. He replied with a very short message which i picked up at half 4 this morning - hence not sleeping now! I am upset at missing him by a few minutes too.

I am cross with DH for making me cross with DS and having to defend him all the time, but I also understand his point of view about what he's going to do next year. I am worried about what he is going to do, but see little point in discussing what he might do/should do etc with DH as it wont get us any further as DS isnt here!
I feel cross with myself for having to send a "what are you going to do about this" message to DS being so far away. I feel cross with DS for saying "just leave paying it till I decide what i'm gonna do".

I am dreading the phone call to the student finance about why the cost has changed.
I dont want to go to work now and just want to bury my head under the cushion, watch Jeremy Kyle all morning and eat chocolate!

I am supposed to be going out after work (which i do very rarely) - I now just dont want to go -I just want to spend spend spend then come home and drink wine as DH is out too.

I should take this opportunity of being up so early to go the gym but not sure I could concentrate properly.

Pants day - here I come!

Sorry to rant and you dont have to say anything but I just needed to get it off my chest! Thanks for listening.

 

[Dimplenose]

Kids are no less of a worry just because they are adults, are they?

I'm not sure what to suggest on a practical side. Could the Students Union give advice? £1600 doesn't seem a lot compared to most students debts but a huge amount to come up with instantly.

 

[Mrs_Potts]

I am not sure if I am reading this right - but is he at oxford brookes currently? I am surprised they couldn't find him accommodation as they have accommodation all over the city!

Where is he staying now?

 

[natalielongstaff]

hope you are feeling better now

 

[Goofysmate]

 

[katiec]

The £1600 is for 1 TERM - i have already paid out £1800 for the Easter term - he got just under £3k student loan which paid for the first term.

He was at Oxford Brookes this year - not sure what he's going to do next year.

When we arrived the accommodation department were worse than useless - kept saying it would be 2/3 weeks before they found him anything as he was late arriving - one of the other students took him to an accommodation block the next day where they had loads of free rooms - the accommodation department were a complete shambles.

I feel a bit better now - did a good session at the gym followed by a good cry and a cup of tea!!!

Oh well - at least its the weekend

 

[Jordanblackpool]

As someone else stated, you never stop worrying about your kids, no matter what age, im 24 and a pretty independent 24 year old at that and my mum still worries! I even still have to leave my shoes at the bottom of the stairs after a night out so in the morning she knows i got in safe!

On the money situation it may be worth going to citiezens advice and seeing what they have to say, it does seem strange that you would get a letter like that out of the blue without previous ones, they shouldnt be allowed to do that.

The thing not to do is keep yourself awake at nights, i know once its in your head and worrying it will keep you awake, but just try getting it off your mind, think of previous trips to Disney!!!

And im sure you son is fine, I know hes across the other side of the world, but im sure hes having the time of his life and would hate to see you worrying about him! Before you know it he will be back though!

Just keep smiling aswell, its suprising what a smile in your day can do for you

 

[katiec]

As someone else stated, you never stop worrying about your kids, no matter what age, im 24 and a pretty independent 24 year old at that and my mum still worries! I even still have to leave my shoes at the bottom of the stairs after a night out so in the morning she knows i got in safe!

On the money situation it may be worth going to citiezens advice and seeing what they have to say, it does seem strange that you would get a letter like that out of the blue without previous ones, they shouldnt be allowed to do that.

The thing not to do is keep yourself awake at nights, i know once its in your head and worrying it will keep you awake, but just try getting it off your mind, think of previous trips to Disney!!!

And im sure you son is fine, I know hes across the other side of the world, but im sure hes having the time of his life and would hate to see you worrying about him! Before you know it he will be back though!

Just keep smiling aswell, its suprising what a smile in your day can do for you

Thank you - all of you

I make him leave his shoes there too!!

think i'm just gonna have to stump up the money - the accom bill was over £5k!!!! for the year so the last payment just has to be made
I know he his having a whale of a time, even though the tales of last year are hair raising! And I am SOO Proud of him too

I'm going to have a cup of tea and a very large slice of cake (that I made for our office world cup party on Wed ) and then all will be rosy again!

Thank you all x x

 

[disney_princess_85]

Ok, so your son has voluntarily left Oxford Brookes, so that rules out applying for financial aid from them.

Realistically, he might have to cut short his time in America to get a job at home. I know you are worried but it is his responsibility to pay the money. The strain on you and your husband isn't fair.

By the way, I suspect the amount has gone up because it is overdue. When should it have been paid?

 

[T16GEM]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time, I hope that you can sort something out.

try not to worry and take care

 

[torsie24]

I don't have much advice, but didnt want to read and run.

 

[Muscateer]

Kids who would have them! It certainly feels better when you write it down and get some nice words of wisdom. I always worry about things in bed and through the night it always seems worse but usually a solution somewhere along the way the next day. Hope you feel better after a big slice of cake.

I have a 19 year old daughter that left school two years ago not knowing what to do with her life, she has been working in a coffee shop since and looks as though she doesn't plan to do much else at the moment. She is earning a decent enough wage and is happy so don't feel I should push her into something else.

 

[mandymouse]

I wish I had some advice for you, just wanted to send you a big hug

 

[Dimplenose]

Thank you - all of you - the accom bill was over £5k!!!!

My son's university accommodation bill was over £4000 and I thought that was steep! The whole of his maintenance loan went on the rent and we have been sending him £300 a month for books and living expenses.

The peeving thing was having to pay full rent for the 6 weeks he wasn't there over Christmas and Easter as well as paying up to July 9th(his official end date) when his course actually ended on May 25th.

You probably feel better now you've decided to pay for him - it's a hard thing to do as you want them to learn to be independent but you want to protect them from life's problems. (FWIW I'd pay if my DS needed help.)

 

[katiec]

Thank you all for your support - its soo nice to be able to vent somewhere safe

I am now officially £1600 lighter

Kids who would have them! It certainly feels better when you write it down and get some nice words of wisdom. I always worry about things in bed and through the night it always seems worse but usually a solution somewhere along the way the next day. Hope you feel better after a big slice of cake.

I had a huge slice of the cake i made for our office World Cup party on Wed with a cup of tea made by my work colleage - cheered me up no end

I have a 19 year old daughter that left school two years ago not knowing what to do with her life, she has been working in a coffee shop since and looks as though she doesn't plan to do much else at the moment. She is earning a decent enough wage and is happy so don't feel I should push her into something else.

I am so pleased he has gone back to camp this year, but I do worry about what he will do when he gets back. He had a year out after school and worked in a call centre - earned nearly as much as I did As long as he is not sitting on the sofa all day, i really dont mind what he does

I wish I had some advice for you, just wanted to send you a big hug

Thanks Mandy

My son's university accommodation bill was over £4000 and I thought that was steep! The whole of his maintenance loan went on the rent and we have been sending him £300 a month for books and living expenses.

The peeving thing was having to pay full rent for the 6 weeks he wasn't there over Christmas and Easter as well as paying up to July 9th(his official end date) when his course actually ended on May 25th.

You probably feel better now you've decided to pay for him - it's a hard thing to do as you want them to learn to be independent but you want to protect them from life's problems. (FWIW I'd pay if my DS needed help.)

Its soo frustrating - I really dont understand why the loan people just dont give them enough to cover their costs - they have to pay it back anyway.

Last year at Manchester Met/Crewe his accomm was a fabulous new block - 6 en-suite rooms per flat with a kitchen/common room per flat. That was only £3500 a year - bargain!

This year his accom was somewhere the Uni should be ashamed of
The block is due to be demolished now term has ended - there were big stickers everywhere saying "Beware - ASBESTOS" .
He had no TV point, had to pay £2.50 a week on top for his internet access.
It was 12 rooms per floor, with ONE shared toilet and shower - you could see through to next door under the wardrobe - the back of it was chipboard - a great insulator when you are trying to study!!!
It was catered - unfortunately no choice as late arriving - when he picked up 2 bagels at breakfast at 850am (breakfast finished at 9) he was told he could only have 1!!!! He said at £5K a year I can have 20 if I want!

Oh i'm so glad i'm too old to go to Uni! I feel sorry for todays students (and parents )

 

[Dollyrar]

 

[Ware Bears]

Can't really help but just wanted to give you a

Its soo frustrating - I really dont understand why the loan people just dont give them enough to cover their costs - they have to pay it back anyway.

Last year at Manchester Met/Crewe his accomm was a fabulous new block - 6 en-suite rooms per flat with a kitchen/common room per flat. That was only £3500 a year - bargain!

This year his accom was somewhere the Uni should be ashamed of
The block is due to be demolished now term has ended - there were big stickers everywhere saying "Beware - ASBESTOS" .
He had no TV point, had to pay £2.50 a week on top for his internet access.
It was 12 rooms per floor, with ONE shared toilet and shower - you could see through to next door under the wardrobe - the back of it was chipboard - a great insulator when you are trying to study!!!
It was catered - unfortunately no choice as late arriving - when he picked up 2 bagels at breakfast at 850am (breakfast finished at 9) he was told he could only have 1!!!! He said at £5K a year I can have 20 if I want!

Oh i'm so glad i'm too old to go to Uni! I feel sorry for todays students (and parents )

Goodness ~ that really does sound dire.

This student loan lark is such a fiasco ~ it's perfectly understandable to means-test for a grant but I don't get why they do it for loans that are going to be repaid. My DD's applied for her funding but I don't think it's going to even cover the cost of her accommodation.

 

[Rohais]

I'm at the Uni of Derby and, although I had problems with my flatmate, halls of accommodation weren't bad there. I think it was £82-ish a week for me, but I was paying a higher rate for a disabled en-suite room. There were several levels of accommodation, none of which were catered, such as standard, en-suite, disabled en-suite, premium, premium en-suite...

The student loans system winds me up. I'll be getting paid less money as I'm moving in with my Mom (DF too) and because she earnt a certain wage in 2008/2009! They automatically assume parents are contributing towards their child, but thats not the case. In fact, currently, its the opposite. I'm helping my Mom pay the mortgage and the bills etc due to a lack of work atm (she's an agency nurse)

Halls is where I met DF

 

[katiec]

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to all of you.

Heard from DS via FAcebook yesterday on his day off.

Having paid his Uni fees he can now access his results and

he passed his first year

I am soo proud of him - he hadnt done any real study - ie where you actually have to sit down and DO IT since he was 16 (did drama etc for A levels) and really really struggled with having left all his friends behind him at previous Uni, so against all the odds he did it

He is so good at it, just lacked any confidence - he did his work placement at a secure mental health unit at the Maudsley hospital and they changed some of the practices from his suggestions - but he couldnt see how good this was through his mood of depression.

Hopefully this will give him the confidence to carry on with his course next year.

Thank you all again - you rock

 

[emily1982]

I'm feeling your pain...I moved out of home last year and was half way through my degree, which is part-time evenings as I work full-time and unfortunatly wasn't entitled to any grants. The bills are just so high, and I never buy books as can't warrent paying the money. Have you tried speaking to the uni and seeing about any grants?