Can someone explain this to me?

[kasar]

DH works in a large office and somehow he's been dubbed the guy to go to with family issues so he's got all kinds of people in and out of his office with their sob stories, especially when it comes to family issues (even though DH works long, hard hours he's still a really good dad and compared to some of his coworkers he looks really good - to other people not in his profession it would be laughable that he's the "role model" but there, he's superdad - just some background).

Because DH has a great job and because of those long hours, I've been lucky enough to do what I wanted which was to stay home with our kids. But even though I'm home, DH is a full parent to our girls in every sense of the word. We've always been a team and we each do anything that's required (well, our agreement is I don't do snow shovelling and he doesn't do "girl" talks!) Even though I do the lion's share of parenting, he has never been a "babysitter", he's their parent. You all know the difference, I'm sure.

So, he can't believe all these women (5 of which he knows of) who are bright, successful, have great jobs and personalities marrying guys who seem to be from the 1950's. They can't "watch" the kids on their own, they wait for their wives to make dinner and basically act like children themselves. These aren't young guys, they're guys that have had their own lives before marrying, they didn't come straight from mommy's house. I really don't get it. One woman can't go to the Christmas party because her son is sick and she can't trust her husband to take care of him.

What happened? These women make great money, work long and hard and still have to do everything at home. That would drive me crazy. Maybe because I don't work and the things pretty much get done around here (sorta), we just haven't had to deal with this but I really doubt that DH would even try to pull that nonsense. He wouldn't get very far if he did. Do you know anyone like this? What's your take?

 

[disykat]

I do have one friend who felt like her dh did nothing. I always felt she brought it on herself by not really "allowing" him to be a full participant. Last I heard, she has lightened up, and he has stepped up and done just fine.

 

[diznygirl]

He wouldn't get very far if he did...

That's it in a nutshell. My DH - although a very willing participant in this family - is the first to admit that wives need to crack the whip to get their husbands involved. If they don't, then they will continue to do the least amount that they can get away with.

IMHO

 

[mickeyboat]

I do have one friend who felt like her dh did nothing. I always felt she brought it on herself by not really "allowing" him to be a full participant. Last I heard, she has lightened up, and he has stepped up and done just fine.

I think this happens more than you might think. Men don't want to intrude on their wives "domain." And often it is because the wife either won't let him, or tells him his attempts are not good enough. Women like to joke about how their husbands can't do anything right around the house or with the kids. I guess if I was being made to feel that way all the time, I would probably just give up.

I say this because I see it to a certain extent in my own relationship. I have really had to re-examine my expectations, and temper my reactions in some situations. DH doesn't comb the kids' hair the same way I do, and he can't dress them in an outfit that matches to save his life. He refuses to dust and doesn't always vacuum under the couch. But I can let it go, it's really o.k.

Denae

 

[corie161]

That's it in a nutshell. My DH - although a very willing participant in this family - is the first to admit that wives need to crack the whip to get their husbands involved. If they don't, then they will continue to do the least amount that they can get away with.

IMHO

I've noticed that cracking the whip does help. The other night I had volleyball league and I told DH that the kids needed a bath that night. He called me on the way to VB to jokingly say "you may as well bring me supper, since I won't get a chance to eat until your home anyway" Needless to say I didn't think it was funny...poor baby.

I do more of the kid duties and house duties than he does, but in his defense, I work 30 hrs a week, him well over 40, he's a carpenter and works must more intensely at his job than I do. But that doesn't mean when I want him to do something I don't expect him to step up to the plate. He also does most of the 'outside' work at home.

 

[DawnCt1]

The more men (and women) have done for them, the less they can do for themselves. As a general statement (yes, I know there are exceptions, air traffic controllers are the exception) women are better at multi tasking and like to be in control. They may be "pickier" about house keeping, schedules, structure, etc. and their partners may have a hard time living up to that....so they don't even try. Perhaps those women assume that their spouse can't "handle child care responsibility" and that may be far from the reality.

 

[kasar]

Oh, I totally get that men get browbeat enough that they don't even try - I know lots of women that do this to their husbands. I don't know these couples well enough to know if that's the case here, very well may be.

The one good thing about having kids when you're both young - neither knows what the heck they're doing so they learn together. There's no "rut" to work around.

 

[RitaZ.]

There may be another side to the story that these women aren't telling...

Some women don't "trust" their husbands with their children, not because the men aren't involved fathers and because they will not properly care for their children, but because the wife insists that her way of doing things is the only and obviously right way. Some women enjoying complaining that the full load is all on them and they get no help at all from the husband. In the case of a husband not wanting to help at all, I have the cure... Let him do his own laundry, cook his own meals, etc. He'll catch on pretty quick!

BTW, I had a friend like that... We went to WDW together a few years back and it was awful, it was supposed to be a fun, relaxing weekend. NOT! We weren't even on the Turnpike when the calls from her kids started coming in, they were telling her what their dad was doing and wasn't doing. She had to keep calling the house because she didn't think he could handle it, she told her oldest daughter to keep an eye on dad. At one point, the oldest girl called to tell her that dad had just vacuumed an earring , which turned into a huge argument between her and her husband over the phone. It was stupid, childish and she was undermining her husband's authority. He was obviously inept and only she knew how to do things right for the children. Women like that really annoy me.

 

[binny]

ok in defense of men everywhere I have to say this goes both ways.


I know plenty of men who work all day then still come home and work at night.

My dh is one of them. If I have to work extra hours in the evening ( still here at the house, but in my office) he more than covers for me. During the summer when I am home with the kids all the time ( except business meetings of course) he makes it a point to "send me out" at least one night a week and every Saturday. During those times he cleans the house, feeds the kids, bathes them, whatever needs to be done.

Dont get me wrong, Im no slacker, but I cant do everything and he definately pulls his own weight around here!