Can someone answer some divorce quesitons for me

[Rxchalk]

My wife and I have decided the best thing we can do is split. We have been married for 5 years and have two children. My wife does not work. We own a home which is now for sale. We have both filed and are just waiting to be served. Has anyone here been through this recently? What happens? Any help would be great. Thanks.

 

[kdibattista]

Have not been through it and I don't have any suggestions.... just

 

[faithinkarma]

Best advice I can give is to try to stay on friendly terms as much as possible. Any rancor just turns into money in some lawyer's pocket.

 

[Pooh67_68]

 

[Lars624]

No Advice......just a hug

 

[legs22]

Have you been through counseling? Really be sure this is what you want. Divorce sucks especially with kids involved.


It's cheaper if you two can come up with your own settlement agreement that each of your lawyers approve.
Maintain a civil relationship for the children's sake.
Never badmouth the other parent in front of the children.
Always pay your child support.
Stay involved in your children's lives.

 

[RedNeckChik13]

I have advice from the viewpoint of a kid whose parents got divorced. When my parents split it was really hard on me but it would have been easier if they had stayed on civil terms....they didn't. There was constant mud slinging from both sides. My suggestion is to stay civil with your ex and make sure to watch what you say about her around the kids. They will pick up on it and it will force them into the middle of a battle that they really don't need or want to be in. Make sure they spend time with both parents and that you don't force them to like one more than the other. I don't really know the ages of your kids since you didn't specify but if they are old enough to comprehend make sure you sit down with them together and answer any questions they may have...it will make the initial shock easier. Other than that...just a hug...and my prayers that it goes as smoothly as possible.

 

[Dan Murphy]

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[Tiggeroo]

Five years, 2 kids. Your wife spent most of the marriage pregnant or with an infant. Maybe some counseling might help. Also maybe some time alone without the kids. Counseling, dates and weekends alone would be much cheaper then divorce. I know you might not see it now, but there are so many long term issues involved in divorce. For example, one day your wife will remarry. This new husband will live in the home with your children and spend much more time with them then you will. If your kids are young when this happens he will have much more of a fathering role then you do. Also, your wife will have to work. For kids used to a SAHM it will be a big change. You will need to figure out what to do with the kids during holidays and in the summer. No matter what sort of settlement you work out, there will be less money for quite some time.
I don't want to upset you if divorce is inevitable. I understand that sometimes it can't be avoided. And if that's the case the kids will cope with the change. But if there's anyway to save a marriage it is worth trying.

 

[coinkc]

I will try to answer your questions. As one who has been through a divorce, I understand that sometimes it really is in the best interest of all involved, even children.

Since you both have filed, it is a waiting game to see who's lawyer is faster. The first person to file can also file temporary custody orders as well as an order to maintain any common property such as the house and cars. In other words, whoever files first is "in the driver's seat" so to speak.

If at all possible, try to come up with an agreement that is acceptable to both parties. this will eliminate the need to go to court to battle it out and will help expedite the divorce. There are state guidelines for things such as child support, joint custody, etc that are a good way to begin the process.

Try to think of every possible scenario now such as who gets to claim the kids on their taxes each year, holiday/summer visitations, etc. It is easier to take care of those things in the initial divorce decree then to go back in a few years and have to deal with them.

I hope this helps a little. I know that a divorce is not a pleasent experience but then again neither is living in an arrangement that is not good for the people involved. By the way, my daughter was 2 when we divorced. Please let me know if you have any other questions. I am not a lawyer but did do a lot of research before I filed for my divorce.

Oh, what part of Kansas City are you in? What county will you be filing in?

 

[C.Ann]

Are you both ABSOLUTELY sure this is what you want? Is there any false pride or stubborness standing in the way of trying to work things out with the help of a counselor? Five years is such a short time - and then there's the children to consider..

No advice (my divorce was many, many years ago) but I wish you both the best..

 

[luvdisney81]

As a child stuck in the middle i was the oldest. We were much older, 15 and 13 but stings just as much. It is 7 years later and still bitterness and I am the one in the middle. I beg you please never ever EVER ask your child to tell your wife anything or vice versa. It starts small and harmless but soon they are delivering checks, dividing up health care bills and deciding who to put down for college on financial aid forms. It is so miserable and no matter what happened, as bad as it got for them, it has been 10 times worse on me and neither even understand.

My father made some bad mistakes but he never spoke crossly of my mother or put me in the middle and for that I forgave him and it was easier. Bite your tongue till it bleeds to hold back from saying something, kids remember everything.

I wish the best and hope you can work it out.

 

[Esmerelda]

Well....I can say I've been there done it. I was married to my boys father for over 15 years. I knew probably at year 8 that I wanted out but I stuck around hoping things would change but they never did. I have no regrets whatsoever. My boys have even said they are glad we did what we did.

My thoughts: kids never forget what you have said to them. They make mental notes of everything he says. My 12 yr old says he has some serious growing up to do (meaning his father)? lol... He also gets a cheap thrill out of telling them constantly how he gives mom over half his paycheck....LOL...now that makes me laugh. I told them to think about it...if I were getting over half of dad's checks each week why would I continue to work in a stressful environment such as the ER?? Kids do not MISS anything. I always try my best to set a good example to my kids in everything.

Get yourself a good lawyer...and do not ever SHARE a lawyer..this makes for a very nasty situation. Trying to remain civil in a divorce is a very good thing. Keep in mind that a formula is used for calulating child/spousal support. Obviously if your wife has not been working, you will be giving her the support. Whatever decisions you make regarding visitation, shared custody...always do it in the best interest of the kids.

Remember...it will be a very emotional and stressful period in your life.....but keep in mind....its not forever. Eventually, a divorce or dissolutionment will be final....and you can move on with your life. This was the most important thought that got me thru my ordeal.


best of luck to you...
Esmerelda

 

[goofy4tink]

Been there, done it!! My best advice is to stay civil!!!! You and your wife will always have a relationship since you have kids. Always put those kids first. As far as who gets what...it's all just 'stuff'. Don't get hung up on it. It can be replaced. Your children will thank you down the road if you can stay on good terms with their mom. Is it easy?? No, not always. But today, some 24 yrs later, my ex and I are on really good terms. Never should have been married but we have two children. So, on it goes. Best of luck. Maintain a sense of humor through it all.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

 

[Dcat2u]

My children's father and I handled our own divorce and stayed on decent terms (we did have our occasional blow-ups), he stood by my side through an ugly abusive 2nd marriage & divorce, now years later and alot of growing up we are remarrying in Aug.

 

[Maleficent13]

Here is a practical piece of advice: make sure your divorce agreement is SPECIFIC. The vagueness of my own has only recently come back to bite me 2 years later.

Example:

BAD: All proceeds from the sale of the house shall go toward marital debt.

Good: As A is accepting responsibililty for 75% of marital debt, 75% of the proceeds of the sale of the house shall go to A. The remaining 25% shall go to B.

Also, make sure all incomes and DEBTS are listed in their entirety in the filing. Don't make the mistake of allowing vague language in an attempt to keep it "nice". (Not saying you shouldn't keep it nice, just that you have to be smart too).

Good luck.

 

[matjef9091]

Am going through this right now. Was married 20 years two boys 12 and 13. We are doing everything ourselves. He moved out about 16 months ago but lives still in our small town. Since apart, we actually almost like each other again. We have had rough times, but for the most part we agree to everything. I am staying in the home until youngest graduates, then we will sell and split whatever is left. We both attend all school/extra activities sit side by side and grin and bear it. Then we go home to our "homes" and breath again. It can be done, just hard to do. Both kids are glad we did this, and feel they are better off. I am sure there will be a day that this will be just a memory, but it is hard to go day by day sometimes.... Good luck to you, just remember your kids should always come first...

 

[Microcell]

Originally posted by RedNeckChik13
I have advice from the viewpoint of a kid whose parents got divorced. When my parents split it was really hard on me but it would have been easier if they had stayed on civil terms....they didn't.



My parents were civil and it still was no day at the picnic. My dad kept asking my mom to get back with him- so he was bing really nice to her. It still was no fun so if you can work it out I would try hard to do so.

I feel like I am going to get flamed here, but I am gonna say it anyway- Get all of Dr. Laura's books and you and your wife read them before you do anything else. People have stong feelings about her, I know, but if you and your wife want to try at all that is a real wakeup call. You will get mad at first becasue she works in brutal honestly and you are out of your comfort zone reading what she has to say (the reason I think people don't like her) but it is worth it. I think everyone who wants to get married should read "Ten Stupid things Women do in Relationships" I think there is a male version of that too.

The biggest thing that helped me from that book was that I had stupid expectations- I thought I would marry this man who was making 22,000 a year at the time and I would not have to work when we had kids and he would bear all financial responsibility. Then we had kids, and low and behold, I had to work to help pay the bills!! I was so mad at him because he was not making more. How dare he? Well, how dare I? The book helped me realize that I chose him and his $22,000 a year job and expected too much too fast. I was cranky all the time and once I read that I calmed down, and realized I needed to bear some responsibility. I also learned to be thankful that he was not cheating, abusing alcohol/drugs or abusing me and he loves my kids. I have a good man and intend to hang on to him and work through all the junk! I hope this helped.

Edited to add- Hey you are in KC? I will give you my book if you want it- all I own is ten stupid things because I try to library the rest. I don't work very much anymore and penny pinching is what I must do to be with the kids. Looks like you are a fellow Jayhawk by your name. Who needs Padgett anyway?

 

[jrydberg]

Got divorced a couple years ago and have custody of my 5 year old daughter.

My main piece of advice is to keep any disagreements over the divorce between you and your soon to be ex. Don't get the kids involved in having to side with you or the ex.

Also, I'd talk to a friend or family member who you can trust to give you straight advice (not just what you want to hear) -- and take that advice in the spirit it was given. Going through a divorce can really skew your perspective on things, even in the best of circumstances.

And most important, think positive. Getting divorced is not the end of the world. It'll all work out eventually.

Best of luck.