Can I Give Up? (A vent)

[chell]

Can I just give up on life? Can I thrown in the towel?

Right now I really don't feel like I have any fight left in me. I don't want to wake up each new day. I don't want to try to be strong again. I don't want to live each day knowing that I will never hear Junior's sweet voice again or see his face again. I really don't want to go on anymore.

People say this is normal. I sure don't feel normal. I want the pain to go away. Why will all this pain and madness not stop?

What have I done so wrong in my lifetime to deserve all the pain I've had to endure this year alone? It sure does feel like this time I've been given WAY more thank I can handle!

Why is it that I am sitting up but I feel like I am leaning and about to fall in the floor? Nope, I haven't been drinking and I haven't even taken my meds yet tonight. I do feel like I am tilted.

Yeah I know things are supposed to get better with time but right now I can't believe that and I can't feel that it will. I feel like my time here on earth should be up now so I can move on. I've never felt like I belonged anyway.

I'm not looking for pity. I only want to vent and get it off of my chest. I know there are people here who have been in situations similar to mine and I'm hoping maybe one of them will come across this and they will have a magic answer for me. Or someone will read this and say the prayer for me that will give me the strength to get through it all. Right now I'm even too weak to pray for my own needs. That is pretty bad.

I don't like being weak. I feel like I always have to be strong. But right now I can't. I just don't have it in me.

In the morning I really would love to wake up and realize this has all been a horrible dream.

 

[Miller1412]

Whoa Chell...here's a prayer for you now. Talk to someone please.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I can, and have said a prayer, Michelle.

 

[binny]

oh sweetie...

Im so sorry I wish there was a magic pill to get you through this. Or a secret way to avoid the pain but if there is I sure could never find it

BUT honestly it will get easier, do NOT give up, know that you are loved and that we care about you. Seek help, from a minister, a counselor, a trusted friend, or even here. But whatever you do, NEVER give up.

You WILL get through this, you are stronger than you think and braver than you know.


Please PM me if you need a shoulder, I can be a good listener.

 

[CLynnJones]

I said a prayer for you to Michelle.

 

[Mimi Q]

It will get better. Hang in there. Vent all you want.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Chell,

My first husband killed himself while we were in the middle of a divorce. I felt these emotions you are going through. Everyone is different, but what got *ME* through it was......I was never alone. I was very young when it happened and went out EVERY night to be with friends.....yes, I was sad but their vitality and strength gave me strength.

PM me if you need to talk...I have been there and survived.

 

[mommaU4]

Don't try to tough this one out or go it alone, talk to someone who can help you sort through your feelings. It's not easy and there is no magic cure. You don't want there to be. You need to go through this range of emotions in order to heal, but you can't do it alone. There are people who can help. Let them.

 

[Iggipolka]

Please please please seek out a therapist and/or a grief group. You don't have to struggle through this alone. Please let someone help you.

 

[chell]

Again, thank you everyone. I do have someone I am seeing to help me through. Actually next week we will be meeting twice a week.

It really does mean so much to me to see people here really do care. Thanks for letting me vent and go crazy.

 

[Micca]

Hey Chell- You are certainly facing some tough days ahead, but please don't throw in the towel. Ask your professional, but this is going to take some time. There's no rushing through it.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am so sorry, and I know that the fact that your feelings are 'normal' does not help. You didn't want to be a part of this club and were forced into it. Hang on...no matter what it takes. It will be worth it. I promise.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Please don't give up. I know way more about the way you're feeling than I want to - please believe me, I understand. Everyone else is right - please talk with someone. You don't have to be alone. Beyond that, though, it is such a shock to realize how bad it's possible to feel - how could God possibly allow such grief and pain? Until you've been there, it's impossible to understand how bad it can be. It's not fair and it's not right and you didn't do anything to deserve it. At your lowest moment, you can feel the most alone and abandoned, and that's not fair either. All I do know is that these feelings come in waves, and your only job is to put your head down and get through this wave, and then the next if it comes, no matter what.

Tell yourself anything you have to in order to just get through this wave - that plus talking, plus medication will get you through and it is worth it. You don't have to know how you're going to get through this, and you don't have to feel you have the strength. Just make the decision minute by minute to survive the waves. Whatever tiny, barely flickering hope you have that you will finally make it to shore is actually where the truth is - the overwhelming feeling that you aren't going to make it is the lie. Try to remember as much as you can that your feelings now can't be used as an accurate predictor of the future - they're caught up in processing the past.

Your journey will probably be messy, painful and unclear - I wish I could say it would be easy. The only thing I do know is that there will be a way, however much you may feel you are stumbling around as you try to find it, and you will be glad you stayed here. Just keep going. You're going to make it. And for whatever it's worth, you aren't alone and there are people out there who do (unfortunately) understand.

 

[cstraub]

 

[S. C.]

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[chell]

Again thanks everyone. Thankfully I do have enough control of my mind still to know this isn't a good way to feel and that I can't let it last. Last night was really terrible on me for some reason. I guess I make it worse by trying to analyze every little thing and try to figure out why and how and all that.

Donaldbuzz&minnie I especially want to thank you for your response because it really spoke to me. Thank you for taking the time to say all that.

 

[Christine]

chell,
This is normal and what you are experiencing is a situational depression. Depression can be VERY debilitating, as you are discovering.

My only advice is to try to force yourself to do something--take a walk, get out with a friend. With time it will lift. However, sometimes when things are emotionally traumatic it can truly "rewire" the brain and, if this happens, sometimes a short-term antidepressant can help. I'm not saying you need this *today* because it really hasn't been that long since your ex-husband's death. I hate to rush to pills and I think it is very important to go through the grieving process. But, if you find that it will not lift, I hope you'll talk to your doctor.

Hang in there! And come here and post away!

 

[mickeyboat]

Michelle. Remember we are all here for you.

Denae

 

[safetymom]

Time is a great healer. This is something that someone sent to me when my husband died. It helped me maybe it can help you.



1. Tomorrow is close by, but not close enough...live for today
2. Living is for those left behind...do it well, and enjoy every bit of it...you OWE it to your loved one.
3. Look ahead and live by example...have hope...show the next one that there IS a future! Don't dwell on the past...or a sad, bemoaned future.
4. Write often on the bulletin board ( the DIS)...it helps you.
5. Write often on the bulletin board (the DIS)...it helps others.
6. Read what you have written...AFTER you have entered it.
7. Think ahead of happy possibilities...no matter how slim the chances...something good always comes along when you are positive.
8. Make every attempt to help someone in more pain than you
9. Listen to your friends...they may have suffered the same loss and understand.
10. Remember wistfully...don't dwell on the past in more than some sadness...smile, laugh...KEEP TRYING!!!

 

[chell]

Christine I am already on an anti-depressant because of my fibromyalgia. The doctor really bumped me up for the winter because my pain is usually so much worse in the colder months. I don't even want to imagine what I would be like without such a large dose right now. Guess part of my big concerns right now are that I do not want this to rewire me for the long run. In the future I do want to be able to function normally again. I know I will always miss him but I don't want it to keep me from living either. Thanks for your response and taking the time.

Thanks Denae.